Never felt so beaten and broken in my life

[curiouslittle1]

Hey all,

 

This past year has been by far the most brutal yet. And while I have my good days and bad like everyone else, the bad ones seem to be compounding and hitting harder and harder. Here's a bit of whats going on:

*To start, I work 60 hours a week in an essential, and one of the most dangerous industries there are. And because I spend 10-12 hours a day inside the cab of a machine, it leaves one with an over-abundance of time to dwell and ponder on things...

*My S.O. of the last 10 years has had a really brutal year with complications from diabetes, including multiple infections that have nearly gone sepsis and killed them. PLUS, they've suffered a small stroke, small heart attack, and had triple bypass surgery as well as a upcoming surgery to fuse every bone in one foot back together so they can walk and exercise again...

*And because my S.O. can't do any significant walking, I have to take care of our dog. And with the already non-existent time to myself, this cuts into it further. Not to mention that I have also not had any interest in many of my normal releases lately - like playing guitar, going to car shows (which the season is over now...), and even my AB side...

*And needless to say, that a lot of what is happening in our country with the pandemic and everything else feeds my anxiety and stress,  which doesn't help... 

 

My takeaways:

I'm not only concerned about myself, but my S.O., and how much time I have left with them. I'm concerned about my future plans I've had for more than a decade now, and how they will not only affect me but those in my immediate circle... I'm also finding that sometimes it feels like I'm just "going thru the motions" of my normal daily life, with sometimes no real point or purpose to any of it... I'm also someone who can't bring themselves to do something bad or harmful, thankfully. It's too hardwired in me to not do anything stupid. But these often drained and broken feelings are starting to bother me.

 

I want so desperately to tell my S.O. about how exactly I feel, but they have enough of thier own to worry about with their own health, and I don't need them compromising thier own health on my account. Plus I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to bother people generally with shit like this - I know people have thier own difficulties they are dealing with, and I don't like compounding my issues on top of thiers. Plus I've done that in the past and it's been used against me - in particular the AB side of things. Because I'm sure everyone reading this can relate about how people instantly get things twisted and make it into something it's totally not... Yeah, thays right. It was so bad that it partially caused me to move to another state, quit talking to those I thought were my friends, and disown an entire half of my family over it!

I am taking going to see a doctor about it off the table, because I've been there before 15 years ago and the results were making me much worse than the good it was supposed to be doing. Plus now that I operate a 25 ton piece of equipment every day as the only breadwinner of my household, I CAN NOT afford to be out of it from any of those drugs or otherwise. Too much risk and waaaaay too much to lose to even consider that as an option.

 

Would like to hear what others think, about all of it... Nevermind the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'm trying to balance double,  maybe triple that. And am really feeling the pressure and stress of it all. 

 

Thank you.

[babypb]

...sorry, don't have any advice, don't know what to say, tough situation to be in. Prayers for you though!!!

[mamabug]

I would say speak to your S.O about all your thoughts and emotions. Even if they're going through their own things, that doesn't discredit or mean that you shouldn't' take your own feelings and troubles into considerations. 

There will always be someone who 'has it worst' than you.

I think it will help to be able to get some things off your chest. Sometimes it's nice to have a listening ear from someone who cares about you. I know that if my boyfriend was going through some things, I would want him to share that with me, even if from an outsiders prospective I had my own 'worst' troubles. 

It's also very important to focus on self-care. Perhaps set down a certain amount of time each day (even if it's only like 15 minutes) to focus on yourself. Meditate, read a book, take a nice bath, or even indulge in some AB time. Whatever helps you destress. 

I know that has helped me a lot when I've had really bad days.

 

 

[curiouslittle1]

13 minutes ago, mamabug said:

I would say speak to your S.O about all your thoughts and emotions. Even if they're going through their own things, that doesn't discredit or mean that you shouldn't' take your own feelings and troubles into considerations. 

There will always be someone who 'has it worst' than you.

I think it will help to be able to get some things off your chest. Sometimes it's nice to have a listening ear from someone who cares about you. I know that if my boyfriend was going through some things, I would want him to share that with me, even if from an outsiders prospective I had my own 'worst' troubles. 

It's also very important to focus on self-care. Perhaps set down a certain amount of time each day (even if it's only like 15 minutes) to focus on yourself. Meditate, read a book, take a nice bath, or even indulge in some AB time. Whatever helps you destress. 

I know that has helped me a lot when I've had really bad days.

 

 

Thank you! Sometimes its always easier said than done, but I should try to actually talk to my S.O. ... They DO care, and I've been their rock for this long now, thru everything they've experienced so far. ?

 

That, and getting to bed a LOT earlier than I typically do will help as well... I always joke about implementing a more appropriate toddler's bedtime, but I really should follow thru on it. Having to get up at 4 for work comes quicker than I care for...

[Little Sherri]

What you describe, @curiouslittle1, is a really tough go of it, with no easy answers. I think that you coming out and talking about it, even here, even in general terms, is going to help some people, because you've put into words what other people may be struggling to say, even to themselves. I don't think that your experience is that unusual or uncommon, although it is very unfortunate. 

One thing is certain: you need an outlet for your stress, and preferably one that isn't harmful and that doesn't ultimately add to your problems. Increasing your whiskey consumption, for example, probably won't help. In the short term, you need to elbow out some room to do something for you - exercise is a great starting point, it's good for you, it has been shown to improve people's responses to stress, and it doesn't have to cost very much. If you have to look after that dog, maybe whip the dog into shape, get it used to going for a 5 minute run, then 10, then 20, then 30. The dog will probably love it, and it might improve your outlook a bit if the time with the dog also becomes your "you time". For myself, when the pressures add up, I find solace in being able to wear a diaper, which is another harmless outlet, but that's just how I'm wired - other people may find it has the opposite effect, and they only turn to it when they're in a good place, emotionally. 

I think a question you need to ask yourself - and it's not an easy one to answer - is this: what do you want out of life? Why are you living? It sounds to me like your current existence is a treadmill that isn't taking you anywhere, and, you want to get off of it, but you don't know how. I can readily identify with being a reasonable, perhaps TOO sensible person, who doesn't want to rock the boat, either by some subtle or overt act of self harm, or by making major structural changes that might in the short-term increase your stress. But while self-harm is a dead-end street (pun intended), making major structural changes can put you at a crossroad with unlimited possibilities. 

So how do you eat that elephant? One bite at a time. What I'm suggesting isn't easy, but, my thought is, get some counselling if you can, and have some gentle conversations with your SO, and through that process, figure out what you, and they, really want out of life, and maybe what you decide you want isn't 100% possible right now, but, maybe you could move the needle 5% closer this quarter, and another 5% over the next quarter. Make a three year plan for yourself that puts you closer to an exit ramp from this road that goes nowhere. You've moved across the country before - that is a huge change, and you managed it. You can manage more changes, if you take them slowly, and if you plan it so that most of them are going in a positive direction. Maybe you'll move forward 7%, get set back 3%, then jump ahead 5%... it most likely won't be a straight and smooth path. But if you come up with a plan, even if it seems pie-in-the-sky, and you move the needle toward it a little bit every week, and you never reverse course even if you get knocked off track at some points, you will eventually find yourself in a notably better place than you are now 

My theory is you only get one life, and you were born to live, not merely to exist. Right now you've become very proficient at existing. Now, it's time to get better at living, but, like learning to play an instrument, "living well" isn't something you master in a week, a month, or even a year. But if you keep at it, someday, you'll be writing your own songs.

[hungsmall]

Sorry to learn of your very challenging situation. You seem to be doing everything within your power to make the best of it.

A little more sleep might be a good thing, both from the standpoint of your physically grueling schedule and to give you respite from the responsibilities and worries of the long days.

Thoughts are with you, and I may i echo @mamabug on self care. A little self-centered time is not a selfish indulgence; it is a health benefit.

[mamabug]

39 minutes ago, curiouslittle1 said:

Thank you! Sometimes its always easier said than done, but I should try to actually talk to my S.O. ... They DO care, and I've been their rock for this long now, thru everything they've experienced so far. ?

 

That, and getting to bed a LOT earlier than I typically do will help as well... I always joke about implementing a more appropriate toddler's bedtime, but I really should follow thru on it. Having to get up at 4 for work comes quicker than I care for...

It's always easier said then done! Not saying it's something easy to do - but I think that if you're able to do it, you'll feel a lot  better! 

Ah, yeah, sleep is a precious thing! If you're having a difficult time going to sleep, I've used an app called Calm before (I have pretty bad bedtime habits haha) and that has helped me fall asleep pretty quickly. Even a white noise machine can work wonders.

It's just one of those things that the only person that can change their circumstance is their self. It's never an easy task, but hey every 'baby' (hehe) step counts and can help a lot! 

I wish you the best! You're not alone in your feelings

[TinyBunny]

Sounds like you have a really big heart ❤️ . The magnitude of my own sadness if amplified whenever I here about undeserving people having to deal with these situations  .

[curiouslittle1]

@Little Sherrithank you. I will reply more in-depth when I get home this evening. You do touch base on many things, and I wish to elaborate further when I have the real chance to...

 

@hungsmall& @mamabugyour absolutely right about the having an outlet part. Thats usually the thing of playing guitar or the drums for me.. when i start jamming, i just get right into it, and it gets amplified by my playing and digging into the strings harder. And since I just got an electric drum set, I should start getting into those more as well. 

And as for the sleep aspect, I usually don't have the issue of falling asleep... my issue is I tend to stay up waaaaaaay later than I should. I need to try and getting to bed by 9:30 the latest - and rhats after I take the dog for his walk, and take a shower, diapered, bottle of formula made and in bed.

But thank you both for the thoughts and prayers, it certainly hasn't been easy giving it my literal all &not getting anything back. This is why its clear as day why I'm a sub/little! ??

 

And @TinyBunny, I absolutely do! Thanks! ??❤?

[curiouslittle1]

Ok @Little Sherrihere we go. Gonna tackle this one section at a time...

My normal outlet for the longest time has always been my music. I've been able to grind the strings on my guitars for the longest time and its always helped. Lately though, it too has become something in somewhat of a decline. My biggest thing is that I guess I can call it writer's block so to speak - where I get bored playing the same stuff all the time & being limited to what I can play. I would exercise, but I don't have any equipment at home, all the gyms here are still closed, and I'm not risking getting sick or my S.O. sick by going out if I don't have and need to. And I'm usually physically spent by the time I get home, so all I wanna do is just veg out once I get home. And I can't do that because I need to take the dog out for 2 more walks between the time I get home and before I can call it a night. I am also pretty much diapered almost all the time (GoodNites during the day and being normal, and actual diapers at night when I go to bed.). I've been diapered for so long that I dont feel right or normal when I'm not wearing them - despite retaining control and being a "normal, responsible adult"... And when my S.O. and I got together 10 years ago, we were heavily involved in the various kink lifestyles, including the AB stuff. Since thier development of diabetes and related health issues, that went out the window. So maybe my lack of interest in the AB side is a combination of both the lack of activity and having been at it for so long by myself that it's become meaningless???

 

What do I want out of life? I want to not have days where I fear for my life and that if my S.O. because of the hatred and division thays spreading like the fires on the west coast... I wanna feel like what I'm doing everyday has a true meaning ither than just being materialistic. I've pretty much accomplished almost everything I've wanted in life so far (had some decent, unique guitars and music gear, had a band that was playing out live, had my dream car & am working towards another one in the next few years, have a relationship with someone that lasted more than a week, landed my dream job/career I've been fighting for  since I was a kid...), and there's only 1 significant thing left that I want in life. But that 1 thing spun off into 2 or 3 because the 1 major one created a 2nd almost vitally important one - start a family & getting a house. But those too have been a kick in the face to a degree, because they keep getting delayed again and again, more and more, further and further... and with the way things are going in this country, it really makes me severely doubt and second guess if that's even a good idea or not.

 

I've always been someone who looks at and plans long term, and has always done the right thing - irregardless of what it is. I am a firm believer of treating others the way I want to be treated,  and that what goes around come around. The problem I think is that the balance is way off by way too much on one side with nothing to counter it on the opposite side. I can't keep giving, pushing, fighting and being a rock without equal and opposite fulfillment on the opposite side... I guess my quest in life has finally fully evolved from materialistic things filling certain voids, to now needing the emotional and mental ones to be filled in, which is much harder and drastically more difficult. And I'm well aware that life is a lot like the guitar - mastering it doesn't happen overnight, or in any kind.of quick period. But unlike the guitar,  some of whats entailed in the process is far more difficult to sometimes even comprehend, plan for or attack little by little at a time. These challenges seems more like kicks in the face from sources outside our control, and its equally frustrating and demeaning when it seems like they just keep coming one after another all the time. And I know somewhere someone else has it worse than me, but that doesn't mean that my  feelings, hurt and struggle is ANY less relevant or a struggle - just as you stated...