Annotations by Sophie (Complete)

[Sophie ♥]

In the fifth grade I had to write my future self a letter that was only to be opened after graduation.  I put it in a time capsule with things that were important to me.  Even my mom wrote me a letter to put in my time capsule.

I wondered what my time capsule would be like if I started it then, in ninth grade, now that I had unearthed so many new aspects of my life, instead of in fifth grade when things were simple.  So much had changed.  Much more was about to.

There was a night, Christmas Eve of my freshman year, that I ran away from home.  I don’t recall why, but my mother and I got in an argument and things got violent.  I left and went for a very long walk in the middle of the night.  I returned the next morning: Christmas morning.  By that time, my mother had made up her mind about sending me somewhere else.

When April came, there was an intervention.  My brother and I came home from school and my father’s car was in the parking lot.  That alone was never a good sign.  

My brother and I both hated my father.  He wasn’t the type of parent a child should have.  He wasn’t any fun.  Things were all technical with him.  He was intolerant and bothersome.  He didn’t let us watch cartoons after eleven.  He didn’t let us bring our Gameboys.  Every time we went over his house, we had a set of chores to do.

We walked in and my mom said we needed to talk.  My brother and I sat on the couch and listened to my mom as she explained why she couldn’t handle us living with her anymore and how we would move to our father's one week into the summer of that year.  My brother cried.  I walked out.  I went for another long walk.  I came home that night at eleven.

On day seven of my summer vacation after my freshman year in high school, I packed my belongings into my father’s car.  My brother had only a backpack with him.  He didn’t want reminders of our old home.  Luckily, I didn’t bind memories to objects.

When I arrived at what was my new home, although I would never call it that, I went to my room and began to unpack.  The first thing I took out was my time capsule.  I broke the rule and opened it.

Sifting through the Pokemon cards and clay figurines I made in elementary school, I found the letters my mother and I wrote.  I opened mine and read it silently.  I was a stupid little kid; the sort of stupid that is hilarious in elementary school.  

Then I opened my mom’s letter and began to cry.  She had such high expectations of me and was so proud I graduated.  I suddenly felt guilty for opening the time capsule.

After finishing the letter, I tore the bottom of the last page off and slipped it into my desk drawer.  There was something she said to me in that part of her note that I knew I’d never want to forget.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

Well, that wasn't such a great childhood, was it? When did your mom and dad split? Lots of stuff going on here!

34 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

There was something she said to me in that part of her note that I knew I’d never want to forget.

Such the story teller. You just can't resist leaving readers hanging.

[Sophie ♥]

46 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

Well, that wasn't such a great childhood, was it? When did your mom and dad split? Lots of stuff going on here!

My childhood was pretty good!    It was the teenage years that hit a snag.  My parents split up when I was a baby.  Like two years old or something.  Honestly, they're total opposites so I don't know how they ever got together.  They are much better apart.

[Sophie ♥]

My new life at my new house was dreary.  Without a collection of friends nearby, I spent my summer indoors with my brother.  My father suggested we attend a teen day-camp sort of experience in order to meet friends.  I spent my time sitting in the dimly lit movie room and reading a new book each day.  I love to read in the dark.

I did meet a girl there, and that girl rode my bus, and later that girl would be the girl I took my driving exam with, but that girl isn’t relevant to the story aside from the concept that she was my first friend in my new town.

My father, finally grasping how tedious mine and my brother’s summer was, surprised each of us with a cellular phone, the first either of us have had.  It was an entirely new world after that.

Now, armed with a cell phone, I called the girl who was my girlfriend every day.  It was a wonderful situation.  I thought, perhaps for the first time, that this long distance relationship deal would work out.

One weekend while visiting my mother, the girl who was my girlfriend and I made plans to see a movie.  Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t willing to drive me to my girlfriend’s house or her to ours; and even less fortunately, this was before I had taken my driving exam with the girl I met at the teen day-camp sort of experience and I could not yet maneuver a car of my own; legally anyhow.

This happened on more than one occasion: the girl who was my girlfriend and I would make plans, neither of us had a method of transportation to one another, and another two weeks would pass without physical contact.  Although I was too oblivious, our lack of time together was affecting her.

One day, after I confirmed that I once again had no ride to her house, she said that perhaps it best we split up.  I panicked, like I often do in situations like this, and began to beg her to reconsider.  Unexpectedly, she said that if I didn’t want to break up, she would stay with me.  She valued my own happiness over her own.

I analyzed the situation for a second, took a deep breath, and said the following: “If this is what you want, then it would be selfish to stop you.” She apologized and hung up.

Things weren’t working; she was right about that.  I am always too ignorant to see these sorts of outcomes.  The distance was really taking a toll on our relationship, and at the time, the best option would have been to split up.  She knew that; she was always so smart. 

Still, to this very day, I can’t help but wonder how our lives would have played out if I had never left my mother’s guardianship, and never said goodbye to my old home, and never moved away to a far off city where all I did for an entire season was read books and meet one new friend.

After all, that best friend of mine was the perfect girlfriend.  It’s only human to wonder “what if things had been different?”

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

GF: "This isn't working out"

You: "NOOOOOO PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"

GF: "Okay."

You: *surprised Pikachu face* :o

Also You: "... Well of course I don't wanna be difficult..."

[diaperpt]

What we want and what we need aren't always the same thing. But then sometimes both the want and the need are different but both not so pleasant and sometimes they're different and would both be pleasant. Weird.

I guess it is human to wonder how things would have been different. I regret a lot of things I've done; I wish I'd done things differently or that my circumstances had been different. But in my mind, to wonder what things might been like is impossible. Or maybe I just lack imagination. I can wonder things like, suppose the girl friend I had in high school hadn't broken up with me... or better yet that I hadn't gotten back with her 4 years later and then spent 15 years in an unpleasant marriage. I can wonder what would have happened if my orders to Viet Nam hadn't been canceled (actually I don't wonder about that... I would have died. I know it.) I could wonder what it would have been like if I didn't live far away from kids who might have been good friends - or if I understood my gender decades sooner. And while I know things would have been different, I can't visualize at all how they'd have been different.

[Sophie ♥]

Thanks for following this silly story so far, guys. >_< Honestly, I feel pretty self aggrandizing talking about my own life like this.  But I guess it's been helping people?  So... that's what matters. *nod nod* 

Anyway, I appreciate all the comments and Likes.  They are actually huge bouts of support.  

[Sophie ♥]

My life went back to being dreary after my break up.  I lacked the social companionship I had before and the visits to my mother’s were monotonous.  I returned to the olden days where my life revolved around electronics, namely my outdated Compaq.  I began to talk to the boy I called my role model much more than I used to.  He began to use bondage and humiliation against me in our roleplays, and I found it exhilarating.

I began my sophomore year of high school that September, and like most new students, I shied out of everyone’s way.  In those days, I wore a hat, which was strange because at my old school we weren’t allowed to wear hats.  I found myself making a lot of comments that began with “at my old school”, just like Phoebe from The Magic School Bus.  I almost wished someone would have called me that.  I’d never had a girl’s name.

I spent lunch in a corner outside the cafeteria.  I sat alone and never ate.  My father didn’t give me lunch money, and I couldn’t afford to spend my own.  For three months, no one bothered me in my corner outside the cafeteria.

Then, one day, a girl came to sit next to me.  She asked my name and how my day was and other superficial questions.  I didn’t mind.  The social interaction was a nice change and I enjoy answering questions.  She’d do this for about five minutes a day for nearly a month.

One day she asked me if I was gay.  I wasn’t in the mood for honesty, so I said yes.  She made one of those ‘aw’ sounds, as if being gay somehow multiplied how adorable I was, which I later learned was a common belief among people in my new city.  At my old school, no one liked gay boys.

The next day the girl brought with her a new girl.  They each took a seat on one side of me, the new girl on my right.  She looked over at me, eyed me for a moment, and asked me, “Are you gay?”

I sighed and admitted the truth this time, much to the first girl’s confusion.  The new girl blushed, said ‘oh’, and quickly walked away.  The first girl followed.  Both of them visited me again the next day.

Those were my first friends at my new school.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

I'd love to hear more about these two girls. I probably wouldn't have said that if they didn't visit again the next day. So did the first girl announce that the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was gay? ...or just tell the second girl? The first girl just had to show off the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch who was gay. It had to be a shock that you announced you weren't. Did they visit the next day just to figure out what the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was about?

'

[Sophie ♥]

22 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

I'd love to hear more about these two girls. I probably wouldn't have said that if they didn't visit again the next day. So did the first girl announce that the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was gay? ...or just tell the second girl? The first girl just had to show off the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch who was gay. It had to be a shock that you announced you weren't. Did they visit the next day just to figure out what the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was about?

You'll hear more about them.   I'm not sure what they said to whoever, but it never really came up again?  It was just a dumb joke I played because I was tired of answering questions honestly.

[Wannatripbaby]

*insert "why are you gay!?" Meme, but replace are with aren't.*

[Sophie ♥]

The two girls who talked to me outside the cafeteria at lunch had invited me to sit with them instead of all alone.  I accepted.

I kept quiet for a long while, observing all of my new friends’ friends.  They were an interesting bunch.  Not a single one I could pinpoint as normal; not relatively close to it.  I liked that.  I felt less out of place.

Friendships grew between me and the two girls and the friends of the two girls.  Soon they were my friends too.  It was interesting to have new friends.  They all had their own unique characteristics, but I could match each one to a friend I had at my old school that acted similar.  I missed them.  I felt guilty for the feeble replacements I had.

Both of the two girls came to like me as more than just that boy who wore a hat that sat alone and never talked all that much.  I was intriguing apparently.  I never told them my birthday or where I came from or my favorite colors or anything about me.  I didn’t want to get close to people.  They liked the mystery.

The first girl announced her admiration first.  I told her we should get to know each other.  We did.  Things moved slowly, and that’s how I liked them to move.  I gradually confided in her my baby side, which she seemed to accept with a little hesitation.  I felt awkward so I tried not to bring it up too much.

The second girl announced her admiration second.  I told her we should get to know each other.  She didn’t want to get to know me.  She wanted to stay out of the way of her friend.  I thought that was… admirable.

I talked to the second girl more than the first.  I began to like her.  The first girl was a little jealous of the attention I was paying to the second girl, and she stopped talking to me one day.  I tried to get her to talk, but she wouldn’t tell me what was upsetting her.  I told her I was sorry and I didn’t talk to her again for over a year.

After a year she told me what had bothered her; that I suddenly began to compliment and spend time with the other girl more than her.  She admitted it was a juvenile reaction.  It really was.  Honestly, I might have ended up with the first girl if she never stopped talking to me.  Fact of the matter is, I only started getting close to the second girl because without the first one, I had no other friends.

She was spectacularly individual; different than other people.  She was fun-loving and outrageous.  Things were never dull.  I really liked this girl.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

A lot of people would be thrilled to have one girl interested in them, but having two friends both of whom liked you is a complicated mess. The good news is you survived it. One way or another.

[Wannatripbaby]

*Is now thinking of that song from White Christmas*

"Lord help the mister, who comes between me and my sister. And Lord help the sister, who comes between me and my man." :D

[Sophie ♥]

We're sort of almost done with the first part of this?  Which is weird to think about.  At least we get to jump away from the unbearable 18-year-old Sophie writing. XD

[Sophie ♥]

My life fell into balance.  I had school and I had the girl who was my only real friend.  Between the two, I had little else to deal with.  It was a relaxing time.

Slowly, as that’s how I handle my affairs, I confided more and more into the girl who from this point I shall call my true love, because it wasn’t long after I told her about my baby girl side that we began to date, and it wasn’t long after that I called her Mommy, and it wasn’t long after that when she could understand every emotion that went through my mind and knew exactly how to fix me, and it wasn’t long after that when I fell in love for the second time, and although the first time isn’t irrelevant, in comparison, this time meant much more.

And I know that prior to this I had spent more than just one annotation talking of each of the girls I had been with, but this will be the only one relating to my true love because storybook endings are rare and talking of the near two years I spent with this girl is extremely distressing.  You’ll just have to take my word for it when I say that I have never loved anyone more, and perhaps never will.

She knew what I liked, even without me having to say it.  She’s the only one I’ve ever known that could put mustard on a hot dog and make it look perfect like those large billboards at IKEA.  She would reward me with treats to make sure I did things that were expected of me, such as sleeping and eating properly.  She would allow me to spend the night and would dress me up like the baby girl she knew I wished I was and rock to me to sleep.  If I misbehaved, she would always find new and exciting ways to punish me, from giving me time outs to taking me to a movie in a diaper.  She could instantly put me in a baby mood if I was acting too stubborn or rude.  She would even allow me to baby her in times when I felt like being in control.

She was very, very far from perfect, and I absolutely adored it.

Unfortunately, the ratio for everlasting teenage love was against us, and I said certain things a boyfriend shouldn’t say in a relationship and she did what girlfriends do and never quite got over them.  I made her insecure and upset more often than not, and she began to think everything I said and did was in spite of her.  It got to the point where I began to believe I had broken the wonderful girl I met.

In the end, we fought a lot over stuff people really shouldn’t fight over.  That’s typically how relationships end, right?  I never meant to.  I would say something and she would take it the wrong way and it would upset me how she took it and I would say something I didn’t mean and so would she but we both thought the other meant it.

She eventually broke up with me.  She says it was best for the both of us.  I think it was only best for her, but that’s more important anyway.

Some people say it’s better to have loved and lost.  I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, because these memories have made me into a skeptic about ever finding someone better.  That sort of mindset can really screw with your future, you know?  How many true loves can someone have, anyway?

It’s moments like this that make me remember why Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is my favorite romance movie.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Sparkle Dust]

T.T

how is diapers at the movies a punishment?  You get to enjoy a large soda!

[Wannatripbaby]

It's just so sad! ?

[Sarah Penguin]

aww hugs

[diaperpt]

I'm so sorry that there wasn't a happier ending to this relationship. So many people have told me that it's never too late; that I may find a new relationship. I believe in the possibility for any person. My age works against me and I'm OK with that. There is the chance you'll find someone who completes you in a way you'd never expect. Meanwhile, hugs.?

[Sophie ♥]

5 hours ago, Sparkle Dust said:

how is diapers at the movies a punishment?  You get to enjoy a large soda!

o_o the way she did it, it was definitely a punishment.....

1 hour ago, diaperpt said:

I'm so sorry that there wasn't a happier ending to this relationship. So many people have told me that it's never too late; that I may find a new relationship. 

Honestly, 18 year old me was a dumbass!  It was a super sad breakup, and I think that's a lot of the reason I was inspired to start Annotations.  But I'm soooo over it these days.  Saying she was my "true love" makes me cringe now. XD

[Sophie ♥]

So here I am, in closing, six years after it all started and not much has changed.  I still can’t sleep, even on the best of nights.  I still get incredibly anxious over nearly everything, even when that everything isn’t all that important.  

These are just parts of me that some might distain and some might embrace.  And although I’m not joyous or blissful right now, you shouldn’t worry, because someday I will be.

Because although I will never forget the girl I had come to love and the girl I never came to love and the boy she introduced me to and the girl who was my best friend and the boy she dated who was funnier than me in middle school and the girl who asked me questions every day for a month and the girl who, even now, I undoubtedly label my true love, and all the recollections that are tied to every one of them, their memories will only serve as my guide to a future with far less mistakes and many more smiles.

Annotations by:
Sophie

You have one life to live.  Be happy.  Don’t let the small stuff get you down.  Smile and laugh every day!  It does wonders for your attitude.  I love you! xoxo

Love,
     Mom

[Wannatripbaby]

Such good stuff.

Are you planning on jumping right into part 2 or let this simmer for a bit?

[Sophie ♥]

24 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Such good stuff.

Are you planning on jumping right into part 2 or let this simmer for a bit?

I'll probably just jump right into it.  Part 2 has way better writing (since I'm not a teenager!), but it's a lot more personal.  Best to rip off the bandaid, so to speak.  

[Sarah Penguin]

Are you going to act out these postings with dolls and teddybears as you're sharing them with us?