Annotations by Sophie (Complete)

[Sophie ♥]

10 minutes ago, Sarah Penguin said:

Are you going to act out these postings with dolls and teddybears as you're sharing them with us?

That would be such a depressing puppet show!! XD

I have way better things I can act out with my dolls.

[diaperpt]

11 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Honestly, 18 year old me was a dumbass!

Haha... Weren't we all! Sadly it's taken too many decades for me to come out of various stages and displays of "dumbass"! I'd say you're doing pretty well in your recovery. ?

[Sarah Penguin]

48 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

That would be such a depressing puppet show!! XD

I have way better things I can act out with my dolls.

Hmm Annotations coloring books for read by colorings?

[Sparkle Dust]

I’ve recently come out to my siblings that I’m trans.  I told my sister in person.

my little brother is more complicated.  My sister wanted my little brother to call me so I’d tell him, but he didn’t do it the night my sister told me he would.  Didn’t mind.

However, my brother ended up lying to my sister that he did call and she ended up spilling that I was trans.  LOL.

so a full hour is spent the three of us communicating between each other mostly on the phone.  I forgave both of them for their shenanigans.  Wish I could hug them.  T.T

 

 

[Sophie ♥]

3 hours ago, Sparkle Dust said:

I’ve recently come out to my siblings that I’m trans.  I told my sister in person.

my little brother is more complicated.  My sister wanted my little brother to call me so I’d tell him, but he didn’t do it the night my sister told me he would.  Didn’t mind.

However, my brother ended up lying to my sister that he did call and she ended up spilling that I was trans.  LOL.

so a full hour is spent the three of us communicating between each other mostly on the phone.  I forgave both of them for their shenanigans.  Wish I could hug them.  T.T

O_O What a rough time!  But it sounds like everything sort of worked out in the end. ❤️ I'm sorry you had to go through the labor of it tho.  Part 2 deals way more with trans stuff so hopefully you can relate (or maybe hopefully you can't? XD)

[Sophie ♥]

So here I am, in opening, ten years after I finished my memoir.  I found this file on my computer and I felt like it was unfinished.  Even now, I can’t say my story is over, but perhaps keeping better track of the events that led me to be the person I am will help me feel complete.

Where were we?

In my senior year of high school, I saw a therapist for the first time.  She had an office in a house downtown and was so close to an ice cream parlor that I would treat myself after every session.  I told her this one day and she said I should bring ice cream to our appointments.  So I did.

I told her about the boy I called my role model and the love of my life I had just recently broken up with.  I told her about my little girl side, and how I liked to wear diapers to bed.  I thought she would speculate on the latter, but she dug her heels into the former.  A little girl side?

She asked if I wanted to be a girl.  I gave her the same answer I gave the only other time someone had asked that question; the love of my life, a year or so before. “No, I just like to pretend.”

She asked me more about that.  Why did I pretend?  Because I felt happier that way.  Why didn’t I want to be a girl, then?  It’s complicated.  If I could start over, maybe I would be.  If I could reset back to character creation and pick my genitals, then sure.  But now?  It was such a hassle.  I would have to tell everyone.  I would have to bother my parents and burden my friends.  I would need surgeries and pills and I’d never be a real girl, not really.  Obviously I had looked into it.  But it was just a fantasy.  A stupid joke.

She never let it go.  Every week, she talked about it.  Every week, she pestered me with new questions.  Then one day, without prompt, she told me: “You are a girl.” I will never forget the feeling in my chest when she said it; something so impossibly heavy, and something so impossibly light.  Even if it was a lie.

She told me: “We are going to tell your parents.” And I didn’t say no.  You’ll find throughout the rest of my story that saying no is something I have never been good at.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

Good therapists, I think, are expert at telling us what we're afraid to tell or just don't know how to tell ourselves. I'm a bit surprised, but happy for you that your therapist cut through the coverup so many of us go through and just told you!

It took me 5 years with a psychiatrist to be ready to knock down that last wall and admit to myself who I am. I'd gone through telling all my diaper history along with all the rest of my history. He tied my attraction to diapers with my relationship with my mother, a relationship a lot more complicated than I had ever imagined. I think his thinking was true to an extent, but when I started with a gender therapist and told her about my use of diapers, she calmly said, "Well, of course. You wanted to go back in time and get your gender right this time."

The coming out part is so unique for each of us. I feel for you, Sparkle Dust, but also happy for you that this part of coming out is behind you. I expect... and hope... we'll be hearing about your coming out experience too, Sophie.

[Sparkle Dust]

21 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

The coming out part is so unique for each of us. I feel for you, Sparkle Dust, but also happy for you that this part of coming out is behind you. I expect... and hope... we'll be hearing about your coming out experience too, Sophie.

Thank you.  And to you too Sophie.  
honestly I never went through therapy like you two did.  In a college philosophy class I learned that the best therapist for yourself is yourself.  So in a way I did end up spending years asking why I’m unhappy.  First it was to expectations, being a DL, later bisexuality, all within college.

i guess you can say I slipped into a female persona while roleplaying as Sparkle Dust.  Being a girl sometimes just clicked and with adult independence I just researched more into it.  And I’ve dressed as a girl (always wearing diaper) in public many times and I feel right.  At the beginning I figured I was accepting myself as gender Fluid as a manefisted version of feminine traits.  And in the end my present interests didn’t change other than more body shaving and buying the occasional dress.  Super hard now by the way.  And don’t get me started in finding wigs.  I figured I was gender fluid because I still felt male sometimes and was okay with my body.  Didn’t Really care whether I had boobs or not.  ?

still it wasn’t until recently that I realized I was unhappy with my male persona.  Male seemed like more of a coping mechanism for stressful times and when I didn’t really feel pretty.  I had to take a look at my inner self.  Do I even like being male anymore.  Changing genders happened often but I was beginning to think the status quo was now more female or non-binary (when I’m not really thinking about it).  Heck even before college I realized that I don’t really like looking at my face.  
and yet with a wig and some make up on i feel like I’m looking at my reflection a little longer.  Maybe liking myself.  And then reflecting on other things the main being that I never liked myself being diapered as a gross boy.  And yet as a girl, I’m an iconic diaper girl who can wear and use diapers whenever she wants.  
I barely have to change outfits that much.  I can wear sweats and pjs and pants when I want to!  This is a persona I’m happy with!

[Sarah Penguin]

[Sophie ♥]

Around this time, in my final months of high school, I stumbled upon a secret.  At lunch, a boy sat with us.  He was openly gay, which was normal at my new school.  He also had a pacifier around his neck - the flashing kind that you wear to clubs.

At the time, I had two best friends: a girl who was very cool and a girl who was very cute.  The cool girl made a comment about the pacifier and the cool boy made a comment back.  Something rude, something mean.  I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something about me.

After the boy walked away from our table, I asked my two best friends what he meant.  They knowingly glanced at each other.  Finally, the cool girl told me: “there was a rumor a few years ago, about you liking baby stuff.”

My first friend at that school - the one who stopped talking to me because I fell in love with her friend - had known about my interests.  I confided in her.  In turn, she told her friends.  Our friends, technically.  As it turned out… no one believed her.  She was ousted from our group and I didn’t see her a lot after that.  I never knew why she disappeared.

The cool girl continued: “I know it’s not true.”  

I told her: “Actually, it is.”

I don’t know why I responded that way.  Maybe because it was the last few months of high school, or maybe because I didn’t want to lie to her.  She was a great friend.  They both were.  Expectedly, they took it well.  They supported me.  They wanted me to be happy.  They didn’t care what I wore or how I acted - we were friends and that’s what mattered.

After lunch that day, the cute girl found me in the hall.  She said she wasn’t sure she believed me.  Up until then, I liked to lie to her.  She was gullible and we made a game out of it.  She was right not to believe me.  So I showed her a picture on my cell phone: me, in a frilly pink dress and a pacifier in my mouth.  A picture my ex took.

We stopped playing the lying game after that.  She had a lot of questions.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Sparkle Dust]

In high school all I really did was read ABDL stories from abdl forum and fox tales times.  MistressTwilight and Tamae were definetely the golden age representatives back then.  

And what is the deal with most of the school bathrooms being closed!  Teachers paranoid we’re going to smoke in them.  

[Sarah Penguin]

19 hours ago, Sparkle Dust said:

In high school all I really did was read ABDL stories from abdl forum and fox tales times.  MistressTwilight and Tamae were definetely the golden age representatives back then.  

And what is the deal with most of the school bathrooms being closed!  Teachers paranoid we’re going to smoke in them.  

Most of the  bathrooms at my high school smelled of smoke and often had varying levels clouds of smoke along with no doors on any of the stalls that I dared to check.  Thankfully the band building which was kind of separated had nice clean large bathrooms and  my symphony/concert band classes were at noon I could use the only decent toilets in the facility. 

 

I think my seniour year there was some unofficial approval for kids to kids to be outside smoking because I saw lots of kids smoking outside in various places kind of around where teachers designated smoking zones so long as you weren't blatantly violating the whole thing wandering by the teacher smoking zone smoking one in hand.

[Sophie ♥]

After graduating high school, I moved back in with my mom.  Maybe we both needed to do some growing up, but since then we got along fine.  Also, my dad was insufferable and I couldn’t take another week with him.

Early in the summer, my parents and I went to see my therapist together.  They didn’t know what our meeting was about, and I don’t think they could have ever guessed.  I was never the most masculine boy, but I wasn’t a girl either.  I constantly reminded myself of those facts.

My parents sat on the couch.  I sat with my therapist, and she prompted me: tell them.  So I did.  I want to be a girl.  Not ‘I am a girl’.  Not ‘I’m going to be a girl’.  But I wanted to be one.  My dad didn’t say much.  My mom cried, but there’s something she said in that moment that I won’t ever forget.

Later that night, I got a call from my step-mom.  She said my dad went to the library and rented out all the transgender books.  That sounded like something he would do - he hated to be uninformed.  Then she told me: “I’m proud of you”.  That confused me.  Why would she be proud of me for causing so much trouble?  Why should I have the right to turn everyone else’s lives upside down, just because I wanted to wear a dress?  It was selfish.  It was rude.  And she was proud?

I didn’t understand then, but I think I get it now.  I was much more of a burden before.  I forced my friends and family to endure knowing a person I truly wasn’t.  I lied to them every day.  It isn’t selfish to be happy; it’s infectious.  I gave them a great gift in turning their lives upside down, something they didn’t have before.

Me.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Sarah Penguin]

[Wannatripbaby]

4 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I was much more of a burden before.  I forced my friends and family to endure knowing a person I truly wasn’t.  I lied to them every day.  It isn’t selfish to be happy; it’s infectious.  I gave them a great gift in turning their lives upside down, something they didn’t have before

This.

So much this!

This is so incredibly true I can't even begin to describe it! 

I might have to screenshot this and send it to my Discord group.

[diaperpt]

I can definitely get that 

14 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

It isn’t selfish to be happy; it’s infectious.

Since I didn't understand myself until much later, I've got no idea what it would be like to tell parents, Telling a spouse of 25+ years is a whole lot different. 

It didn't occur to you that your step-mom was proud for having the courage to speak out as you did? That maybe in spite of the pain your father was, that she was try ing to be supportive of you and your father, supportive or not, was trying to understand. I hear you saying that was an undesirable compulsion but could that be more from your perspective - your truth, but not necessarily an objective truth? And I apologize for my tendency to psychoanalyze when it's not at all my place to do so.

 

[Sophie ♥]

10 hours ago, diaperpt said:

I hear you saying that was an undesirable compulsion but could that be more from your perspective - your truth, but not necessarily an objective truth? 

^This.

TBH I think that's why a lot of people are afraid of things; because they think their perspective is the truth.  It's remarkable how different reality is if you let it prove it.

[Sophie ♥]

My first year of college was at a local community college.  I took as many classes with the cute girl from high school as I could.  I coerced her to skip classes and sneak away for lunch.  I played Nintendo DS with my feet in her lap in the cafeteria.  I told her when I felt happy and when I felt sad and all the times in between.  I practiced talking like a girl around her.  I asked her what she thought my new name should be.  I held her down by her wrists while we watched Titanic and teased her for being weak.  She flipped me over and kissed me on the lips.

I had never felt so at home with a person, and perhaps I haven’t felt so at home since.  She wasn’t a girlfriend; she was a spiritual experience.  She was day-trips to carnivals in diapers, because she knew I thought they were sexy on her.  She was taking me to diners at two in the morning dressed in skirts, because she knew I needed the practice.  She was the first time I had sex and didn’t hate myself, because she let me wear her prom dressed and called me beautiful.  She was patience incarnate and kindness personified.

Love is a complicated term.  The first girl I loved was a perfect score on a test.  She was a one-hundred percent in beautiful red ink.  The second girl I loved was a delicious new dessert.  She was chocolate fudge cake I never thought I needed in my life.  But the cute girl - the third girl I loved - was a puzzle piece.  Some sides had too much and some sides had too little.  She was full of flaws and inconsistencies.  She had holes waiting for someone to fill them in, and she had extra spots waiting to fill in someone else.  That third girl I loved made me realize that puzzles don’t have to be solved for two pieces to be together.  They can just fill each other up and exist.

I wish I knew everything then that I know now.  I wish I knew things didn’t have to be perfect.  I wish I could have appreciated all those silly differences, because in retrospect, those are the things I miss the most.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Sparkle Dust]

T.T. It’s easy to take things for granted.  
>\\\<. 
only when you are an adult can you appreciate the missed moments.  Everything my parents did was out of love, even if I didn’t think it at the time.  LOL.

when I was just starting college I was just barely making paper towel diapers in secret.  LOL.  Real diapers are the best!  

[diaperpt]

Puzzle pieces... nice! That girl was just incredibly patient, kind, caring...WOW. I've got to wonder how she would have described you at that point and how she might now, but that's not usually ours to know.

3 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I wish I knew everything then that I know now.

I wonder if there has ever been a human, or more a couple, who haven't said this! Age brings experiential wisdom if nothing else. Some of us even pay attention to that wisdom we accumulate!

[Sophie ♥]

I had to get a new therapist, one that specialized in gender.  I don’t know where I stand on transgender gatekeeping - the idea that you have to talk to professionals before you take any serious steps.  On one hand, if I hadn’t talked to a professional, I would never have become a girl.  On the other, if I had to be completely sure, I would never have become a girl either.

My second therapist and I talked a lot about how I felt.  How scared I was.  How I vacillated between wanting it and not wanting it.  How my family had responded, and how my friends were helping or hurting.  Truthfully, none of them hurt.  They all did their best, in their own ways.  Maybe I’m lucky.

After three months, she gave a prescription for an anti-androgen.  Basically, no more testosterone.  She described this as an ‘in-between state’ that didn’t have a lot of side-effects.  I could think about what I wanted and, when I was sure, I could go back to living my boy-life or I could move onto a girl one.

It took me two weeks to make up my mind, two more weeks to get estrogen pills, and another two weeks to try and kill myself.

I was sitting on the floor in my mom’s basement, staring at a full-wall mirror.  I think maybe the house had been a ballet studio or something at one point, I’ll never know.  I hadn’t dressed up or put on any makeup.  And there, looking back at me in the mirror, was a boy.

What was the point, really?  I’d never be pretty.  Not like the cute girl I loved.  Not like my sister or my mom.  Even if I managed to pull it off - to look feminine enough to pass as a girl - people would always wonder.  They’d stare at me a second too long, or they would slip on my pronouns.  Even if I managed to avoid all that, my parents would never see me as a girl.  My siblings, my friends.  I’d always be a freak to them.

I made my way into the basement bathroom and took a handful of my mom’s heart medicine.  She had just had surgery and needed to take them for something or other.  I didn’t even know if it would kill me - I just hoped it would.  I didn’t even take the time to look it up on the internet.

I went to my laptop and started messaging a friend online - someone new, not someone from this story.  I told him what I’d done.  I couldn’t help it.  I couldn’t not take those pills.  I couldn’t avoid this.  Honestly, people who tell you not to do it simply don’t understand.

The next thing I knew, my mom was waking me up.  I didn’t remember falling asleep, but my head felt like it was full of cotton.  She said something to me about the police, and I didn’t know what she meant.  She led me upstairs, where two officers and a glow of red and blue lights awaited me.

“A friend called in that you were trying to kill yourself,” one told me.  I didn’t understand - I didn’t think my friend had my address.  I thought I was safe from this kind of thing.

I don’t remember what I told him.  Something about being tired, or that my friend was over-reacting.  I was a good liar - I’d been lying about being a boy my entire life.  It wasn’t hard to convince the officers to leave.  My mom asked if I was okay.  I said yes.

I woke up the next morning with blood all over my pillow, dripping from my ears and my nose.  For a few days, everything felt scattered and dizzy.  I cleaned everything up and never said a word about it again.  I wonder if my mom knows?

Two weeks after that, my new hormones kicked in and I started to feel a lot more confident about being a girl.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

47 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

It took me two weeks to make up my mind, two more weeks to get estrogen pills, and another two weeks to try and kill myself

Well... That escalated quickly. 

[Sparkle Dust]

13 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Well... That escalated quickly. 

Once you come out, it feels harder to stall. I don’t want to feel that way to n the future but I’ve already felt that way many times before finding out I was trans.  
 

?. Although to be fair I’m pretty sure those times were due to being imperfect, a diaper lover, and bisexual.  Wow ? I am a lot of issues.  (Sucks thumb).  

[Wannatripbaby]

9 minutes ago, Sparkle Dust said:

Although to be fair I’m pretty sure those times were due to being imperfect, a diaper lover, and bisexual.  Wow ? I am a lot of issues.  (Sucks thumb).  

Well, I don't wanna get too sappy ? but I think all those things make you an interesting, beautiful person. ? 

[Sparkle Dust]

36 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Well, I don't wanna get too sappy ? but I think all those things make you an interesting, beautiful person. ? 

Aww you’re sweet!  (Hugs you in wet diaper).  You’re my daddy just for today.  (Wink).