Stay Alive

[Idzy]

This isn't one of those "don't give up, things will get better posts" there are enough of those and they do a lot of good...

But most important is Don't Die. Stay alive. Even if you've got no reason to right now, just stay alive. There's a reason you're still here, you might not know it, but there is.
You don't have to wake up tomorrow with all the answers, nor do you have to wake up at all, stay in bed all day. Just don't die! you'd be surprised just how important that is

 

 

[beallucanb]

I am holding on to life with both hands, I plan on holding on until I am unable to keep life from slipping away from me.

[Cruiser 03]

I am holding on to life with both hands, I plan on holding on until I am unable to keep life from slipping away from me.

My life is Fubar , there's nothing left that I want ,my doctor told me "fuck off and die" I don't think she realized if the Pentobarbital Is my sole remedy for a dignifified death, honrabthat means I am harvesting the souls that made my life miserable. Boys time for no more n,I guess I lived a clean life no drugs or alcohol or even a parking ticket ,good guys finish last ,I am destined toknown as the some shit like the .I don't think I will miss it. The countdown begins I will begin and end on The same day 50 years apart .calling it quits on history that I was part of ,if I knowm b Ien.
would noturni

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[beallucanb]

10 hours ago, Cruiser 03 said:

My life is Fubar , there's nothing left that I want ,my doctor told me "fuck off and die" I don't think she realized if the Phenobarbital Is my sole remedy for a dignifified death, honrabthat means I am harvesting the souls that made my life miserable. Boys time for no more n,I guess I lived a clean life no drugs or alcohol or even a parking ticket ,good guys finish last ,I am destined toknown as the some shit like the .I don't think I will miss it. The countdown begins I will begin and end on The same day 50 years apart .calling it quits on history that I was part of ,if I knowm b Ien.
would noturni

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I'm sorry you are being cut off Phenobarbital  have you tried Neurontin, it is also an anti-epileptic maybe it will fill in for what you are on.

I know if I am cut off, my main meds, I will raise a stink make the biggest stinkin stink  I can,  there is no reason to be removed from a drug that is working for you.

I hope you work things out.

[Cruiser 03]

I'm sorry you are being cut off Phenobarbital  have you tried Neurontin, it is also an anti-epileptic maybe it will fill in for what you are on.
I know if I am cut off, my main meds, I will raise a stink make the biggest stinkin stink  I can,  there is no reason to be removed from a drug that is working for you.
I hope you work things out.

Sorry victim of auto correct not phenobarbital Pentobarbital drug of choice for eurhanising dissolved in water it doesn't taste bad, upset your stomach or worse vomit, I am a palliative care patient with a rare incurable disease that is progressive and degenerative ,she straight up lied to me more than 4 X's having promised she will not let me suffer,she will not abandon me ,if i should develope any signs of addiction diversion I wanted to be shipped to a locked rehab to sort it out ,she agreed to these terms of treating me in writting .
Back in February she thanked me for my honesty ,said I never violated my pain contract, or failed a drug test but there would be no more treatment just grin and bear the pain "nobody is going to treat me" she did refer me to a surgeon to have the same medications I take put into a pump and put in my spine ,according to her it would be a "good thing for me " yet every doctor has been against it as much to risky including her until then ,I am in what doctors believe is the last year of my possible survival ,and I followed up on the pump ,3-4 years before I even get a chance to see if it works ? She doesnt find what she's doing offensive nor does her hospital ,I think this is happening because a doctor nearby was recently charged with many counts of murder and it has scared all the doctors ,at this point I can't get pain care to let me die with dignity but I can get the medication to end my life ,I have talked to my Chief and will be given full honors of a line of duty death and be the first LODD that was murdered by the health care system supposed to prevent this ,and trust me I have been all over them and the university and nobody gives a crap ? Or has a problem with complete out and out betrayal and neglect of a patient .

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[beallucanb]

I can't believe anyone can be that cruel, I don't blame you one bit for feeling like you do.

I think if I were in your place, I would get really bombed and or high, then figure out how to take the plunge, but only after you get your affairs in order.

Make sure you designate who gets what, or the state or feds will take what you have,  house, car and all that crap.

Then I would sit my ass down and figure out how I want to launch myself into the stars.

Start giving away shit, that is what I plan to do when my end is on the horizon,

I hope I get to see it coming I figure at 72 I can't last that much longer.

I hope to talk to you now and then I come round here usually in the evenings if you want to shoot the shit.

 

 

[Cruiser 03]

I can't believe anyone can be that cruel, I don't blame you one bit for feeling like you do.
I think if I were in your place, I would get really bombed and or high, then figure out how to take the plunge, but only after you get your affairs in order.
Make sure you designate who gets what, or the state or feds will take what you have,  house, car and all that crap.
Then I would sit my ass down and figure out how I want to launch myself into the stars.
Start giving away shit, that is what I plan to do when my end is on the horizon,
I hope I get to see it coming I figure at 72 I can't last that much longer.
I hope to talk to you now and then I come round here usually in the evenings if you want to shoot the shit.
 
 

Big problem most of my friends are mandatory reporters ,if I give any sign of what's about to happen I am going to have a house full , the ones that have any idea, have sworn if I am too nice to do what needs doing they will get it done ( I have stood for non violence my whole life , they are more "eye for an eye" type of reactionary people,so if doctor neglect is involved they plan on killing the doctor ,i have an agreement with them ,until i die do not hurt anyone , i have run across this type of shit before,so they keep track of doctors they want dead for screwing me at various times, ( you know you have crossed that ethics line when other doctors have no use for your kind of doctor behaviour ) . I float thru mostly evenings as my eyes allow my vision is like 20/80 thru 1% milk (cataracts ) .

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[beallucanb]

Your friends are opening themselves up for hard time, when and if they get caught for doing what they want to do.

Have you ever tried to hire a lawyer, perhaps if you find a young hungry one, willing to take on those who are stonewalling you might get you what you need to hang on awhile?

You should go to the best lawyer in your town or city,  he or she can make your doctor give you what you need to live.

They were giving you  what you needed to get by to start with, plus you didn't come up dirty on drug tests, you have that on your side.

Lawyers charge the same price no matter how successful they are,  hire the best one in town, a great lawyer gets the same cut as a just got his license lawyer.

At least you can get enough drugs to live in comfort until you decide to pull the plug.

I'm having eye problems myself I have floaters causing blurred vision, I thought it was my drug Gabrapentin because that comes with blurry eyes but its getting worse.

I just saw a local eye specialist they didn't do shit for the floaters, being a specialist today just means you have to pay more to see them apparently.

Hang in there, I hope things change for the good for you.

Bee

[Cruiser 03]

Your friends are opening themselves up for hard time, when and if they get caught for doing what they want to do.
Have you ever tried to hire a lawyer, perhaps if you find a young hungry one, willing to take on those who are stonewalling you might get you what you need to hang on awhile?
You should go to the best lawyer in your town or city,  he or she can make your doctor give you what you need to live.
They were giving you  what you needed to get by to start with, plus you didn't come up dirty on drug tests, you have that on your side.
Lawyers charge the same price no matter how successful they are,  hire the best one in town, a great lawyer gets the same cut as a just got his license lawyer.
At least you can get enough drugs to live in comfort until you decide to pull the plug.
I'm having eye problems myself I have floaters causing blurred vision, I thought it was my drug Gabrapentin because that comes with blurry eyes but its getting worse.
I just saw a local eye specialist they didn't do shit for the floaters, being a specialist today just means you have to pay more to see them apparently.
Hang in there, I hope things change for the good for you.
Bee

Lawyers told me you need permanent harm to make it worthwhile .
State medical board said you could have an axe to grind and be making up stuff to try and bring down a doctors career ?
Gee I was her patient for 12 years ,i am still her patient however she believes trying to manipulate and force people to die rather than treat them is a winning strategies to play ,and I didn't bother to mention 6000 other press ganey reviews that she has a 1.8 out of 6 score due to lying ,uncaring attitude, misdiagnosis patients repeatedly ,obstructionist behaviour ,and wait for it trying to convince patients to end there life instead of treat it !
At this point I trust al-Qaeda more than I trust the medical community ,the sad thing is I have a disease so rare they will never see it again in there career ,I am only the 203rd person in the world with it and the first American in history to have ,and no surprize we often die because of the extreme pain alone.

However everybody agrees with your reports will take on more urgency if we have a dead body as evidence of what is being alleged ? You cant prove your case unless they have a body ,because your word is meaningless against a well to do doctor .

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[Cruiser 03]

Lawyers told me you need permanent harm to make it worthwhile .
State medical board said you could have an axe to grind and be making up stuff to try and bring down a doctors career ?
Gee I was her patient for 12 years ,i am still her patient however she believes trying to manipulate and force people to die rather than treat them is a winning strategies to play ,and I didn't bother to mention 6000 other press ganey reviews that she has a 1.8 out of 6 score due to lying ,uncaring attitude, misdiagnosis patients repeatedly ,obstructionist behaviour ,and wait for it trying to convince patients to end there life instead of treat it !
At this point I trust al-Qaeda more than I trust the medical community ,the sad thing is I have a disease so rare they will never see it again in there career ,I am only the 203rd person in the world with it and the first American in history to have ,and no surprize we often die because of the extreme pain alone.

However everybody agrees with your reports will take on more urgency if we have a dead body as evidence of what is being alleged ? You cant prove your case unless they have a body ,because your word is meaningless against a well to do doctor .

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I know my friends attitude is problematic ,I am blessed with knowing some amazing people , these guys I met and worked with 25-30 years ago in maxi max prison ,in my healthier days I did alot of volunteer service some of that was an instructor trainer of "AVP" .so they know I know what there talking about ,unfortunately there are people who are institutionalized it's common practice to get somebody who wants back into prison to do the dirty work ,so problems get solved without "blowback" .

They are as dedicated as my brothers from the firehouse . I have always asked them to honor my request for no violence ,I have always been a turn the other cheek person ,they say what's the point if somebody is killing you? Which makes sense from there perspective and enviroment experiences.

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[beallucanb]

With a disease as rare as you say you are suffering from, you should be relaxing in a special facility with all your needs met,  just to be looking at your stats.

Have you contacted the CDC or the Mayo Clinc, Harvard University, if not you should get in touch with them, you should be studied.

The world is getting more fucked up by the minute, I wish I had some way of helping you, I really don't know anyone important, if I did I would contact them.

 

[Cruiser 03]

With a disease as rare as you say you are suffering from, you should be relaxing in a special facility with all your needs met,  just to be looking at your stats.
Have you contacted the CDC or the Mayo Clinc, Harvard University, if not you should get in touch with them, you should be studied.
The world is getting more fucked up by the minute, I wish I had some way of helping you, I really don't know anyone important, if I did I would contact them.
 

Well the failed war on drugs has been recycled and is unquestionably being directed at Us mutants ,I am probably the foremost expert on drugs in America, I am the guy who was calling bullshit on Oxcycontin,and was largely dismissed as the crazy medic or crazy husband , they all thought I was a lunatic for saying I new better than the manufacturer or doctors,wasnt so crazy ! All the data on attempts to control the "opiate epidemic" show in fact all the people who have been scapegoated by various groups etc have been bullshit ,chronic intracctable pain patients are literaly not involved , this is an illagal street drug problem ,fun fact there are currently 208 street versions of a chemical related to fentanyl , add to that pending legislation that outright bans all actual Fentanyl period much the way Harry Anslinger did with canabis years ago ,Fentanyl has been around for many years ,its original patent was as a surgical anesthetic called sublimaze ,ever since USPS became Chinas largest drug peddler its killing people , the only drug supply not contaminated and potentialy fatal is in the south for one major reason addicts down there prefer "black tar heroin " its really difficult to accidently or intentialy add a white crystal substance to black whitout it being seen . I mention this because i couldnt save my wife from herself or her doctors, who believed Perdue and four different doctors where supplying her , I even tried the geographical cure to no avail. I was able bodied Firefighter paramedic then, I didn't have this DNA time bomb explode until 2002 , they say I was exposed to something in the enviroment that triggered it ,can you guess where I was "The Pile " nobody for 1000 years will ever realy know what the hell was in the air ? The only thing doctors know they can for sure do is treat the pain well I die. And my doctor got scared off from palliative care and thinks the better choice is convince patients to find a way to speed up death ( its this exact situation that keeps euthanasia being legalized , they are scared doctors would rather force us to die than actualy treat us .

So in one life i have been battling opiate stupidity either as my wife's advocate or now for myself for more than a decade ,in the time I have been getting care I never failed a random drug or alcohol test ,or misused ,I am much a follow directions or protocol person .

You said floaters , do you have retinopathy? Floaters are just little blood pools on the retina eventually they heal and go away ( they take there sweet time) . Talking helps some ,I can't thank you enough for dialoging with me ,you talk about this in the wrong place and you get cops and crisis workers checking on you . I know most of the cops and they come here and go "this guy isn't a threat , his doctors are though" or " damn it I gave up a vacation day for this shit , you medical people need to figure out what your doing ,and do it,one group is trying to kill him and then you morons think you might save him from somebody elses neglect , and Presto nobody does shit to help him ." I think you might have an angle with CDC as I am registered with them and WHO .I used spend time at West Point and Camp Lejune ,since being diagnosed i cant enter government land without escort and written permisson from base commander .

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[beallucanb]

I hang around with a Viet Nam vet, I remember him saying stuff about Lejune how vets that were at that base were coming down with all kinds of weird shit, because there is some problem there with the water supply.

I remember him saying how people like him were trying to get more care, and compensation for being at Lejune back in those days.

He told me his neighbor who recently died was there but he never tried to get compensated, for the diseases he had, he speaks of Lejune because he was there for a while I have no idea how long he was there.

This guy has some problems back and his spine, he is constantly going to the VA and to chiropractic doctors, The local VA is only a stones throw from the Mcdonalds we hang out at for a few hours a day. (wilkes-barre Pa.

We meet most days for bull sessions, I am there 5 days a week, I help them buy things over the internet, my house is the mailing point I buy tons of car parts and whatever I can save people money on.

About the floaters, I thought I was seeing things, once and awhile I saw thread like things that would move and I have a problem with dry eye.

I made an appointment at the local eye care specialist, this place did my cataract surgeries years ago they also did a lazier repair of a detached retina, around the same time.

The doctors said they see nothing really wrong, except for the floaters,  what I see  what I would call a flap of skin that falls in front of my inner eye, dulling my vision until I move my head as to look around the dull spot.

I'm going to give it a few months,  if I see no improvement I am going to ask them if they can disperse it with laser treatments.

It really doesn't bother me with everyday living, except when there is a computer screen in front of me, there is milky dullness as I look through glasses.

Tv is OK I mostly watch amazon prime, the free stuff, and youtube interests me there are loads of really interesting things are happening with modern car repair and I am also interested in solar.

I get great pleasure driving an electric car (chevy Bolt) I want to be able to fuel it from the sun, and power my house in emergencies, ( we have power outages out here in the sticks)

 

 I never failed my drug tests either, yet you would think by taking a med for over 25 years, it doesn't qualify you as you know what you are doing simply because you have been on virtually the same dose with one adjustment years later. My 2 drugs are Ms Contin and Neurontin ( Gabrapentin)

Those 2 drugs pretty much ruined my life, I can deal with my short comings from my accident, what I hate dealing with are the side effects, those I can do without.

 

 

 

[Cruiser 03]

Well let me say thank you for caring about our Veterans ( people laugh when I say don't say TYFYS show them , they also can't understand why I am so raging mad that every boot today is hero ,yet America has never officialy reckognized ànd Welcomed home there men who survived Vietnam ,it doesn't bother me the men have earned it, it bothers me so many earned it and are forgotten)

Wilkes Barr nice area ,I am slumbing it in Erie, I live very close to Wabtech previously G.E .it's not a secret ,I have helped many in the group with diapers ,so many know my actual name and address and have been here many times. One guy used to come from 5 hours away he was laid off from a good job and trying to keep his family afloat stealing from his retirement , I couldn't let him sacrifice his future to pay for incontinence supplies ,so he would come like twice a year and could stuff his truck with about 22 cases of diapers each trip. I wear cloth at home would only wear disposables going out ,so I had crazy amounts of extra ,it did my heart good to help a brother . I have had that samè phenomena you describe ,I would joke it was fish eye ( fish have an outer and inner eyelid they control individually the inner is translucent semi opaque deal ,so it always made me think of my floaters ) .

High current home solar gets cheaper every year , one of my "hobbies" is emergency communications so I have naturally been intrested in solar recharge of my back up batteries,many of my long distance friends in Cali got the bug and started doing solar during the blackouts ,and now have entire house solar generators and such ( many were like me and had enormous stashed of meat buy on crazy sales and eat well all the time until power was down for a week and spoiled there meat . They went from slightly ahead to far behind .

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[Idzy]

On 11/30/2019 at 3:25 PM, Cruiser 03 said:

Well the failed war on drugs has been recycled and is unquestionably being directed at Us mutants ,I am probably the foremost expert on drugs in America, I am the guy who was calling bullshit on Oxcycontin,and was largely dismissed as the crazy medic or crazy husband , they all thought I was a lunatic for saying I new better than the manufacturer or doctors,wasnt so crazy !

I can certainly agree that the so called "War" on drugs has been a monumental failure.

I am sincerely sorry for the situation you are in, whilst in no way comparable to your situation, aside from an accident as a child, I also broke my leg a few years ago, and was prescribed woefully inadequate pain management medication, resulting in many pain-induced falls, and months off work which I could not afford. Unfortunately, after exhausting all other options, and placed on a 9 month waiting list for a specialist pain management clinic, I was forced to turn to the black market to obtain painkillers.

Bear in mind, this was for a completely legitimate purpose (largely to enable me to return to work), and put an otherwise law abiding citizen in the way of drug dealers and other hardened criminals, opened me up to the risk of adulterated product, as well as risking a felony charge every time I bought the stuff. Fortunately, after around 6 months the pain abated, and I slowly reduced the dose until I no longer needed it.

3 months later, my appointment at the pain management clinic is due, which I attended out of sheer spite. After enduring a lecture about all the "alternate" methods of managing pain (mind over matter stuff, for people wanting to reduce their use of pain medications), I actually put my hand up and asked "Out of everyone sitting here today, who wishes to reduce the amount of pain medication they are taking, and who is here to receive their first dose of anything to remediate chronic, debilitating pain, yet is not able to obtain any via any other method". As you can imagine, zero people answered to my first question, and the room was abuzz with discussion after my second point.

Either way, after seeing the doctor and explaining that due to the waiting period, I was no longer in need of pain medication, as my injury had healed sufficiently. To my complete dismay, I walked away with more prescriptions for opiates than I thought it was legal go give to a single person, despite explicitly stating that I no longer needed it ("just in case").

The world is a screwed up place sometimes. But denying painkillers to those who are in genuine need of it is one of the cruelest things our society can do to people. I wasn't trying to get high, just be capable of walking.

Whilst my original comment was in the context of depression, nonetheless, it still applies equally if you're in chronic pain. After all, depression is just a different kind of chronic pain. You never know what the future holds, whether it be a scientific breakthrough in treating your illusive disease, or your body simply recovering on it's own. I'm not a doctor, nor a strong advocate for medical marijuana (I have a terrible reaction to it), however I have heard that it has brought immense relief to others. Perhaps this may be an option worth exploring  to improve your quality of life.

[Cruiser 03]

I can certainly agree that the so called "War" on drugs has been a monumental failure.
I am sincerely sorry for the situation you are in, whilst in no way comparable to your situation, aside from an accident as a child, I also broke my leg a few years ago, and was prescribed woefully inadequate pain management medication, resulting in many pain-induced falls, and months off work which I could not afford. Unfortunately, after exhausting all other options, and placed on a 9 month waiting list for a specialist pain management clinic, I was forced to turn to the black market to obtain painkillers.
Bear in mind, this was for a completely legitimate purpose (largely to enable me to return to work), and put an otherwise law abiding citizen in the way of drug dealers and other hardened criminals, opened me up to the risk of adulterated product, as well as risking a felony charge every time I bought the stuff. Fortunately, after around 6 months the pain abated, and I slowly reduced the dose until I no longer needed it.
3 months later, my appointment at the pain management clinic is due, which I attended out of sheer spite. After enduring a lecture about all the "alternate" methods of managing pain (mind over matter stuff, for people wanting to reduce their use of pain medications), I actually put my hand up and asked "Out of everyone sitting here today, who wishes to reduce the amount of pain medication they are taking, and who is here to receive their first dose of anything to remediate chronic, debilitating pain, yet is not able to obtain any via any other method". As you can imagine, zero people answered to my first question, and the room was abuzz with discussion after my second point.
Either way, after seeing the doctor and explaining that due to the waiting period, I was no longer in need of pain medication, as my injury had healed sufficiently. To my complete dismay, I walked away with more prescriptions for opiates than I thought it was legal go give to a single person, despite explicitly stating that I no longer needed it ("just in case").
The world is a screwed up place sometimes. But denying painkillers to those who are in genuine need of it is one of the cruelest things our society can do to people. I wasn't trying to get high, just be capable of walking.
Whilst my original comment was in the context of depression, nonetheless, it still applies equally if you're in chronic pain. After all, depression is just a different kind of chronic pain. You never know what the future holds, whether it be a scientific breakthrough in treating your illusive disease, or your body simply recovering on it's own. I'm not a doctor, nor a strong advocate for medical marijuana (I have a terrible reaction to it), however I have heard that it has brought immense relief to others. Perhaps this may be an option worth exploring  to improve your quality of life.

I am not eligible for the medical program , I have recently tried what I can buy on street ,doesn't do an adequate job plus I have PTSD and I hate things messing with my head ,several doctors have hit the "trigger" over the years and had to do emergency general anesthesia because I reacted shall we say badly. About 40 years ago in ICU a nurse kept telling me i should calm down ,i was having anxiety and panting she was wrong but I didn't have enough air to tell her , a physician came in and immediately reckognized what was going on , they couldn't wait for anesthesia or take me to an OR they just cracked my chest and saved my life,I passed out ,woke up paralyzed on a ventilator ,but fully aware ,they had no idea I was suffering and after about a week down right irrational ,not good , most people are snowed out on drugs AND they invent torture that matches there pain ,I am the opposite I can name everything done ,and what it actually feels like ,it's considered such torture it's against the Geneva convention ,but by accident it was done to me ,there's only "special" occasions that set me off beyond my ability to calm my self down , like when my doctor told me I had ALS and would die peacefully ,I completely lost it and tore him a new ass ,he was expecting me to flip out ,like everyone who gets that news , he wasn't expecting a guy who didn't die peacefully paralyzed once before to really lose his shit.

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