Sex in ABDL relationships

[Lilbigbaby]

Ok so I’m looking for a bit advice, ever since I revealed my ABDL side to my partner it has destroyed any kind of sexual attraction from her. From what I’ve read this seems fairly common, has anyone overcome this? I’m particularly keen to hear from partners whom are not AB or DL but accept that their partner is, are you able to compartmentalise in order to have a conventional sexual relationship with your partner when they are not in their little space? If so how? Or do you always see them as a baby and hence someone you cannot desire sexually.

 

This question comes from my current predicament in my relationship. Essentially we’ve decided to stay together (for the kids mostly) in a sex-less relationship in the hope that sex might be attractive again, someday. Now this is fine for the short term, but obviously I’m not going to accept never having sex again. 

 

I’ve thought about raising the option for us to allow each other to see other sexual partners. I’ve read about couples who do this and they seem reasonably happy, not sure how my partner would react though. The other option is that we eventually separate, but that has me wondering if I will ever find a woman who wants to continue sex once I reveal my little side.

[Diseased88]

You trusted her enough to have children with her but didn't tell her about the diapers? Jeez, well, the past is the past.

How was your relationship before the big reveal? I'm not calling you a liar but were things really that great before you told her? How did telling her play out? Have you thought about any quid pro quo? Maybe there's something she likes that you can use to ease her into diapers.

Honestly I would advise dropping the diaper thing right now and focus on getting her comfortable with you again, then introduce what you want slowly, keeping her as the focal point. (Graphic story, but this worked for me: when I was introducing my ex to diapers I gave her oral and set the mood just right, made sure everything was the way she wanted it, with the only exception being the diapers. Make the time 99% about her pleasure, and the 1% something you want to introduce). Take it slow and don't push too hard, but this is really something you should have done a long time ago.

[Lilbigbaby]

33 minutes ago, Diseased88 said:

You trusted her enough to have children with her but didn't tell her about the diapers? Jeez, well, the past is the past.

How was your relationship before the big reveal? I'm not calling you a liar but were things really that great before you told her? How did telling her play out? Have you thought about any quid pro quo? Maybe there's something she likes that you can use to ease her into diapers.

Honestly I would advise dropping the diaper thing right now and focus on getting her comfortable with you again, then introduce what you want slowly, keeping her as the focal point. (Graphic story, but this worked for me: when I was introducing my ex to diapers I gave her oral and set the mood just right, made sure everything was the way she wanted it, with the only exception being the diapers. Make the time 99% about her pleasure, and the 1% something you want to introduce). Take it slow and don't push too hard, but this is really something you should have done a long time ago.

Thank you for calling me out on that one, yes I left too late, and yes I made some big mistakes. Right now I know it is about damage control and we’re working through it.

I’ve never seen her in a mommy role and it’s never been my intention to push her in that direction. The issue isn’t that I want her to be involved, although it would be amazing if she did, but that is very much on her own terms.

In terms of our relationship before the big reveal (or more accurately big discovery, again, a mistake) it was on good ground. I was always attentive to her needs before she found out, and I would continue on this basis if she were to see me as a sexual partner again, I just don’t know if this will ever happen.

[Alex Bridges]

1) How long has it been since you slept together? Maybe your conception of a while is different than hers and you need to be patient.

2) Have you had a frank discussion that included you telling her things like “I’m sorry for keeping this from you,” “the urge won’t go away,” “I’m still the same person you married,” “I love you.”?

3) If you love her more than sex, you’ll never have sex again if that’s what it takes to stay with her. Otherwise, why stay with her, other than the kids?

4) Ask of She will go to couples’ counseling. If she won’t, you can go alone.

5) There are resources for spouses out there, and I’d refer you to Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb, who is a therapist specializing in ageplay. She’ll do therapy sessions by phone. That may be the best place to start rather than going to a general therapist.

6) Think about what you’re willing to compromise on.

[Snugglebear_69]

To answer the original question versus trying to give relationship advice, the simple answer is yes. I have to split my answer into two parts as there's the relationship I have with my Wife and then the relationship I have with my Daddy and although both relationships are sexual they manifest and are expressed very differently.

My wife is fully aware I'm a little and it hasn't affected our sex life whatsoever. She doesn't want to have sex while I'm actively in little space but she is fully onboard with diapers being involved in our sex life. She has no issue with the DL side of things and she hasn't showed any reduced interest in sex over the 13 years we've been married.

My Daddy is a different case. He has no issues with being sexual with me no matter what, it's actually an important part of our DDlg relationship. There are quite a few DDlg couples who are sexual and find it a very intimate and bonding experience. Whether I'm in littlespace or not my Daddy still understands I'm still an adult capable of consenting. I'm also his collared submissive so that plays into the relationship as well.

So, it really hasn't impacted our sex lives negatively, in fact it has just enhanced the bond by allowing us to be more vulnerable and bonded with each other.

Little kaiya

[Lilbigbaby]

10 minutes ago, Author_Alex said:

1) How long has it been since you slept together? Maybe your conception of a while is different than hers and you need to be patient.

2) Have you had a frank discussion that included you telling her things like “I’m sorry for keeping this from you,” “the urge won’t go away,” “I’m still the same person you married,” “I love you.”?

3) If you love her more than sex, you’ll never have sex again if that’s what it takes to stay with her. Otherwise, why stay with her, other than the kids?

4) Ask of She will go to couples’ counseling. If she won’t, you can go alone.

5) There are resources for spouses out there, and I’d refer you to Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb, who is a therapist specializing in ageplay. She’ll do therapy sessions by phone. That may be the best place to start rather than going to a general therapist.

6) Think about what you’re willing to compromise on.

Ok so i’m referring to long term as in 10 years plus, short term is 2-5 years. It’s not that I’m desperate for sex, far from it, it’s more the prospect of never having sex again. Now this applies to us both, ultimately this has come about form my mistakes and she deserves a happy and fulfilling sex life.

We have had frank discussions and we’re in counselling and it is working for us, we are in an ok place for now.

While I accept I could give up sex for love, is that a fair compromise for her? I actually think it would be destructive long term with both of us growing more and more resentful of each other. Love is great and all, but it needs nourishment and doesn’t exist on its own.

Presently i’m happy to make whatever compromises I can to stay together short term. I’m probably getting a bit ahead of myself in anticipating where we will be in 10 or so years down the line.

    

 

[Lilbigbaby]

That’s a really valuable insight, thank you Snugglebear_69. I wonder if I can find a dynamic relationship like that eventually, in any case definitely reassuring that it can work. It’s interesting you say it enhances the bond between you and your Daddy and wife, I think that is what I hoped for the most when I explained the most intimate part of my personality to my partner.

[DiaperedAllTheTime]

My wife and have definitely experienced the same scenario in our relationship.  Our situation is even more complicated because I am a sissy and desire to be HER baby girl.  While she understands and accepts my lifestyle change is does not typically make her panties wet.

I know in my situation I was unable to comprise.  My wife essentially lost to my need to both become diaper dependant and a babygirl.  Although she made the choice to stay with me despite this it most definitely lowered her self esteem as she felt diapers had replaced her in the bedroom.  It made her feel unattractive and unwanted.  I think anytime a woman feels this way it is a completely normal reaction is to become disconnected sexually.

You must remember woman are programmed biologically to mate with stronger partners to insure healthy offspring.  Usually, in a normal female mind a partner who wears diapers does not meet those requirements.  Woman are also mothers.  Motherly instinct although awesome when used right in an ABDL relationship can also be your enemy.  I know my wife was very unkeen about having both her husband and our child in diapers at the same time.  These are a few things that you sometimes need to overcome.

Have you communicated with your partner about your feelings?  Have you listened to your wife's feelings?  Sometimes it is great for both partners to just be completely honest so both know where you stand.  Hiding your diaper desires can further complicate things as most woman feel almost cheated on in this situation. 

My wife's biggest problem with being sexually attracted to me wearing diapers is the smell.  She has super sensitive senses and it is hard to want your husband's wee wee when it always smells like a used diaper.  Through communicating I learned this from her so I took some steps to take internal deodorizers to try and mitigate some of my diaper smell.  I learned this by talking to her.

In our relationship my wife did cuckold me.  She did not do so because she was sexually deprived or frustrated even though she most definitely was.  She did it because I wanted her to do so.  I have no desire to be a man in the bedroom.  It is all about diapers and pink dresses.  My wife did not need to suffer through my desires for the rest of her life.  She needed a man to take care of her normal sexual needs that I was not able to provide.  Living a cuckold lifestyle can and often times is challenging.  When two people love each other more than anything and another sexual partner is brought into the mix it can easily lead to hurt feelings.  Luckily for me her being with a real man so to speak sexually excited me so the dynamic worked for us.  After the first time my wife had sexual intercourse with her lover she was like a completely new person.  Sexually she had her batteries recharged and loved the image looking back at her in the mirror.  Her husband's diapers were no longer a reminder of her sexual frustrations so she became so much more attentive to my sissy baby side.  Over night she went from rarely ever changing my diapers to changing them all the time.  She teased me and was playful.  As with all sexual relationships the beginning is always the best and things have calmed way down on the sexual front in our relationship and with her lover. My wife can cuckold me at anytime but does not do so mainly because emotionally she loves me so much.

I believe in your situation it is possible that seeking different sexual partners could have a negative impact on your relationship.  What happens if you find the Mommy of your dreams?  If your wife is insecure about you wearing diapers I imagine it would only be worse if you were with another woman.  You and your wife seem to both have some tough choices to make and I wish you two the best of luck.

[rusty pins]

That is the thing you never know for sure.  Some wives tolerate it but don't really like it, others think it's cute and even participate in a Mommy type roll or wear diapers themselves.  To some it's a complete and total turn off.  This is not my personal experience, but from reading what members have posted over the past 13 years in the forums.  I think it comes back to what attracted your wife to you in the first place.  In her mind all these years she has built up an image of you, and that image may be of a sexy studly man, protector and provider.  Now that image has been shattered in her by thinking of you not as the sexy stud she married but as a child-like man who likes to wear diapers.  Even if you give up diapers and try and rebuild the original relationship, it may not work.  If she has gone as far as she has apparently gone by not wanting to engage in sex anymore, that tells me her overall shock and disgust over you wearing diapers has gone pretty deep and has affected her more than most people.  You can try your very best to get things back the way they were, but it may be at the point she will always have in her mind this picture of you in a diaper.  No matter what, the reminder may be so much of a turn off she just can't come around.  I hope the best for you! 

[Mr. Sea Otter]

Fundamental sexual incompatibility is for me a deal breaker for marriage. If she just cant get over it the relationship is on it's way out and it is just a matter of time. Could be years of course, and if you have kids, that may make it worth it. 

With that said, I struggle to believe that anyone who truly loved their spouse and honestly wanted to try to make it work, couldn't bend a bit and work to get past this. I'd need a lot more info to understand your situation clearly, but couples have endured and moved past far more challenging trials than just finding out somebody has a kink/fetish they didnt know about. Counseling can be helpful, but make sure you both like the counselor. Bad counseling is worse than none sometimes  

Good luck!