So, I've been able to accept this truth about me, but I'm still feeling lonely and feel like I'm the only one

[GuardianXander]

So I'm really not to sure where to start, but I'm 22 years old, and my whole school life has been based on the shame of this truth about me wanting to be diapered forever, especially since a particular incident in my first day of pre-school, and especially since another incident where I was 15, both incidents are two different scenarios, the preschool incident was the most embarrassing of the 2, and I'm really shy about going into it, especially when this is the first time I've ever posted on this forum, and I've finally got my mother to understand why to quit bringing up the pre-school incident where I pooped my pants in class and was repeating "Don't poop pants" later on that day, and then the incident from when I was 15 was way more different, because my father held me and my mother hostage on a high speed chase where I apparently had to pee so badly, and cried because I never wanted to think about death or wetting my skinny jeans fullblast, my father kept telling me "Just pee your pants" and I didn't want to think about it, so my crying and moaning to an extent I wished I wasn't in that car, and was at home in bed wearing an adult diaper, and being someone's adult baby, which is a thought I fell in love with, I could go into more detail about why I didn't want to think about it, because I was afraid of some awful things happening with me if I wet my skinny jeans, and for about the past month, I've been in doubt of finding someone who could diaper me forever, and baby me and nurture me like I want to be nurtured, and treat me the way I want to be treated, dress me up like a beautiful women, and show me off, take me out, change my diapers, and let me wear panties over my diaper, and just be gentle with me, and treat me the way I desire to be treated, and have my freedom to live to be myself, and I'm desperate for that special person who would take care of me like that, and some times I cry tears about the fear of never finding or meeting that special person, very desperate, and feeling like the only one who feels like this most of the time.

[CountryOtter]

Xander,

  I'm fully emotional right now reading this. I don't know if you are still active here as it has been several months since you posted this. I hope you get an email to let alert you to this response. I wish I had been here sooner. I'm crying for multiple reasons. #1) I'm so sorry that your father did that your family & put you in the position where your mind played that awful trick on you. Making you think something awful was going to happen to you if you wet your skinny jeans. There is never any shame in wetting your pants especially when you are in that kind of situation. I hope you know that now & if not that you will find the healing one day. #2) I'm also very sad that no one responded to this post.You literally reach out saying you feel lonely & like the only one just to have no one reply. That's a bit of a slap in the mouth. #3)I'm crying because this brings up a lot of awful feelings from my own past. I'm going to tell you a story here & hope that you see it. Its not easy for me to tell but I have been guarded my entire life & never opening up has never served me well.  Hopefully it may help someone one day not feel so alone if they stumble upon this. 

     So I was raised in a very strict southern baptist household. My mother was a nightmare to me when I was growing up. She was emotionally, mentally & at times physically abusive towards me & since she had everyone in the community fooled no one ever believed or helped me. It took me years to figure out why I so very much enjoy wetting my pants. And the story of how I finally got over that shame & self loathing is a story for another day. However, I'm not sure how old I was when this happened.I was around 10-12 somewhere in there. Well my mom, sister & I had been visiting my grandparents & we left to go run errands before we went home. I did not use the bathroom before we left my Gparents house & we were in the car for awhile. I remember very clearly that being the first time I experienced desperation, I kept telling my mom that I needed to use the bathroom but she would not pull over and let me go in somewhere. Finally we were in the drive thru at Burger King & I finally told here I couldn't hold it any more. Mind you that every time I'm mentioning it I'm catching hateful comments about how I can wait. How I WILL wait & that I had better not. Well I did. Right there in the back seat. In the drive thru. God the relief was amazing but I was horrified. That's the kind of thing that would get my ass beat. I didn't know how to tell here I just lost control of my bladder. She pulls out of the drive thru & immediately turns right & pulls into the Pizza Hut parking lot parks the car & tells me to go. She was such a bitch about it. Like I was doing it on purpose to inconvenience her. Well I was still too scared to tell her so as scared as I was I just hopped out of the car & walked into that packed restaurant pants fulled soaked. People staring & laughing. I practually ran down the hall into the Men's room. I didn't know what to do so I just walked up to the urinal & stood there for a few minutes pretending to pee. I remember a guy walking up to my right & looking at me like I was crazy,.In retrospect I'm sure I looked crazy to him standing out the urinal with pants so soaked they were dripping & making a puddle in the floor. When I finally went back out & jumped back in the car my mother had a sneer on her face. I have never forgotten what she said to me, her child, when as I was buckling my seat belt and the car was backing out of the parking space she says "Do you know how fucking stupid you looked walking into that restaurant like that with your stupid wet pants? You looked like an idiot. My God."  

Thinking about it as an adult I suppose that my brain was sexually imprinting at that time bc now as a grown man wetting my pants in public & being humiliated for it get me off harder than anything else ever has or ever will. My brain turned a very traumatic experience into something I love.  Now I grew up & still live in the Carolinas. So full Bible Belt here. And I started wetting my pants for sexual pleasure in my teens. Have been heavily into watersports for years. Diapers are an offshoot of that fetish for me. I still feel alone at times. I struggle to find boyfriends or partners or even friends who understand. I've kept it inside for so long. Grabbing romantic moments with people when I could but none of my relationships have ever worked bc I have never found someone who can or will indulge with me. I've learned that a lot of that was my fault as I never opened up to anyone. It has gotten better over time as I have decided that I have to look at my life in a different way. Over the last few years I have taken the power back & embraced who I truly am no matter what society or other people think of me. They don't have to get it bc I get it and thats good enough for me. I can identify with you & what you have been through. I felt compelled to write this out hoping that you will see that you aren't the only one. And there are others out there like us who have suffered traumas. This was a pretty mild experience with my Mom too. She was awful. I'm so glad I cut them out of my life. 

Anyway, always remember that you are not alone. We as humans are all of one spirit. We as a species have lost touch with that but never forget it. The things that divide us are all in our minds. I don't know if this will help anyone but I hope so. It is never easy to revisit that day in my mind.