Physical Intimacy

[It's A Boy!]

I just needed to write this out to get it off my chest. This topic is about my sex life, or lack thereof, so if you feel it's inappropriate or it disturbs you, as I wrote above, please don't read it.

I don't know what it is, but I'm bad at intimacy. I think that it's because I always feel like I'm hiding something from my potential partners just by being AB/DL. There's a girl that I really like. I spent the evening with her, and she seems to be really into me. But when push came to shove, when there was any oppertunity to physical intimacy, I chose to not go further and I totally wussed out.

I think that my greatest fear in all this is not being attracted to her. I mean, I am attracted to her, but I am worried about not being able to perform in a non-AB/DL context. I've had this problem before at least once when I'd had far too much to drink, but it has really increased my anxiety about any sort of sexual activity. It makes me worry that I'll never get to the stage where I will be able to reveal myself to another person as an infantilist. I think part of the problem is that I've built up so much anxiety on top of my already ample anxiety as a (semi) normal guy, that I just want to avoid the whole business. This is obviously unheathy and isolationist, and will only serve to further my anxiety, thereby making it impossible to have a normal relationship. What makes it worse is that I see that moment that I made the choice to avoid phyiscal intimacy, to not reach over and kiss her, and it wasn't really a concious decision, more a kind of subconcious avoidance. To make matters worse, I didn't do anything to correct it.

The whole situation makes me feel dishonest, as if not acknowledging my AB/DL side upfront is somehow wrong. I know that it's a whole can of worms. But I also realize that it's a whole can of worms I only want to deal with with someone who accepts the rest of me for who I am. In other words, I want to be able to be intimate with partners in a non AB/DL context, without having to acknowledge that part of myself as a predicate to any sort of physical intimacy, and without demanding that my (potential) partner participate. I am afraid that this is becoming a sort of cycle, and I am worried that by indulging in AB/DL play, in AB/DL fantasies, that I am destroying my chances of finding happiness with any other person. Furthermore, there is alot of pressure to be physically intimate in these relationships, and there is an incredible push for sex. I should want sex, and there is a promise of emotional intimacy based on that physical intimacy. Instead, I'm basically afraid of it.

I am also concerned that this anxiety leads me to indulge in self-destructive activities, even if it is just drinking, in an effort to supress my AB/DL self. In spite of all the thought I've put into this, I still seem to see my "normal self" and my "AB/DL self" as severable, dicotomous parts of my personality. This is bad, I think, because what I'm doing is using an otherwise enjoyable social tool (let's say alcohol) to try and supress one part of this personality and and enhance another, which is amazingly ineffective. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whether I have one drink or 16, it's not going to change my personality, and I have trouble accepting that, which I suppose is a self-acceptance issue. So either way, I still have to deal with accepting all parts of myself, and reconcile them within my single person. I guess that to a large degree this is a maturity issue; maybe as an AB/DL I just have alot more marturing to do than other people. Which sucks when you're 23 and think you have more worked out than you do.

Anyway, thoughts or comments are always appriciated. Like I said, I needed to get this off my chest, and I guess this is the only place I really feel comfortable doing it. Thanks for being here at 3 in the morning, DD!

[wayney]

I feel for you. Why, you might ask. I was similar to you at that age but my problem was slightly different. Diapers were such a sexual turn on for me from age 15 up to 20 that I would sooner get off in a pamper than have sex with a female. As time moved on I started to realise my loneliness and I had to get a girl. I attached myself to one and we dated for six months before having sex. I guess her not rushing me showed that she cared for more than sex. I still found myself getting off in my diapers after I had left her house. Eventually it happened and it's not the biggest concern anymore. I often wondered if I could even get it up without a diaper involved. That's what scared me. I did and I still can. Funny thing is though, sex is less gratefying than getting off in a diaper. I love female companionship, there is nothing better. As for sex, well let's just say that's not the case for me. Good luck. Just remember that it's mostly mental. Try to block out the diaper thing or at worst do what I did. Think about them while making out and having sex. After awhile you won't think like that, it will just come aBOUT.

[It's A Boy!]

Thanks for the advice. I guess it's one of those situations where you just have to overcome your fear and do it. And that it helps alot if you find someone who's willing to take things slowly. Makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone here and that you managed to get through the same thing somehow.

[b0xer21]

lol, bro it both sounds like we're getting crapped on lol

[Diapers4Me]

lol, bro it both sounds like we're getting crapped on lol

Did you read the same post the rest of us read? Perhaps you are under the influence? Or perhaps you just have a problem communicating?

I think the original post is a very accurate picture of a lot of young men when they are just setting out to explore the sexual side of relationships. No one starts an expert at sex, and when one involves diapers with sexual play, one can get a little confused by what arouses you. I think you should open up with your partner and tell her that you are not experienced, and that you'd like to take it slow and need her help and guidance. Sex is a very intimate and exciting endeavor, take it slow and you will both enjoy it. Once you've gotten to know her better, and are comfortable sexually with her, then you can gage her interest in things more kinky....like diapers. Most women won't understand it, and many will simply want nothing to do with them. I've found that women in the healthcare and social work areas are much more likely to be understanding and supportive (but not all).

Good luck and relax....she will be as nervous as you are.

[Pipsqueak]

First off, I'd say avoid the alcohol when you're wanting to get intimate with your girlfriend. I know a lot of people think that it loosens you up, but like you discovered it can also affect the part that you don't want "loose". Being human, as soon as we have a negative experience we begin to worry that every time we're in that situation it will be negative and then we get stuck in that vicious circle.

And I agree with Diapers4Me, that you should confide in a potential partner that you're inexperienced and need to take it slow. Despite what the boys may have talked about in the locker room, women are not put off by a guy who's inexperienced. And the kind of girls that make good girlfriends are not put off by taking things slowly. Hopping into the sack right away says it's entirely about sex and not about having a long and satisfying relationship. There's nothing wrong with the former if you're both in it for that reason but it sounds to me like you'd probably opt for the long relationship if you had your choice.

I also think that if you take it slowly and fall in love with the girl you're with, you'll probably find that you don't need the diapers to become aroused by her. I'm not saying that you need to get rid of the diapers for her sake, but you should probably put them on the back burner for a little while during the times you're with her. Get to know her first. Build trust and when she knows you and loves you for who you are then slowly introduce the topic of diapers.

[WetterGuy]

ItsABoy,

Your thoughts and fears are not at all unique. I have shared many of them; you're not alone.

You've expressed your need both for intimacy with a woman and intimacy with diapers. I've found that I have both needs, myself, and they come and go, with each taking "center stage" at different times. When I'm totally into one, I often find myself with little desire for the other. Other times I want a bit of both, and it all depends on my mood and on what's going on in my life. It can be very hard, though, to reconcile the two, especially when there is enormous peer pressure and societal pressure from both sides saying we have to be exclusively one thing and identify with only one pleasure. (If you're heterosexual, you had best be masculine and find your only pleasure in women, if you're ABDL you always need to be diapered, if you're gay, you always have to play to society's "gay norms," etc.) The truth is that none of us ever really fits these molds.

So when you're with a woman, explore and enjoy your feelings with her. When you're in diapers, explore and enjoy those feelings, too. Your own sexual desires and pleasures will be unique: everyone's desires are different. Relax, have fun, and explore what really works for you, because the more you know about yourself, the more you can articulate to others. Also listen closely to what your partner has to say and respond appropriately.

The most important part of any relationship, whether it's with a woman, or even with yourself, is honesty. Let your girlfriend know early on what works for you and what doesn't. If your religion has guidelines about sex, follow them as best you can and be honest about them. Also be honest with yourself (and anyone whom you are dating seriously) about your diaper side. Don't try to deny it or make it into something it's not. If the person you're dating really cares about you, she will honor your need for diapers, even if she doesn't wish to participate, herself. She might tell you about her own unique sexual need, too. It's all about trust (in others and in yourself) and communication.

You're no weirder than me or a lot of folks on here! Hope this helps a bit.

[It's A Boy!]

Thank you all for the replies and support, and for all the valuable comments. I like the taking-it-slow approach, and if she's not willing to do that, then perhaps we're looking for different (and possibilly incompatible) things from our relationship. I also agree that part of the problem is that I (we) have these preconcieved notions of how groups of people (heterosexuals/homosexuals/ABs/DLs, etc) should behave, reinforced by very powerful outside forces, and have trouble accepting the fact that most people probably don't fall neatly into one of these catagories. It makes me feel more comfortable knowing that other people have found ways to reconcile these parts of themselves, and have gotten though this. I really want to thank you all for taking the time to reply, and of course I would welcome any other comments. This has been very helpful thus far.