Sonya and Michaela Starting Over

[Ishigreensa]

"Well, I don't think so, honey.  It's just until we get stuff set up here and they figure out what you need to help you get through a normal day.  I'm pretty sure they'll let you ride a school bus once they get it all figured out."

She smiled.

"I'm sorry, but the next bus won't be long, and we don't want to inconvenience other people by making them late while I put you back in your chair, so please just stay there for now.  When we get home, I'll hold you if you want."

She sighed thinking this had been a very long day for both of them.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela frowned when denied the comfort she needed and wanted. She hung her head and went silent, feeling bad for asking to be held. She almost never wanted to be held unless she was sick. But after her father’s death she’d been wanting to be held more often for comfort. Usually Sonya could comply and it would help her daughter. But this was the first time Michaela had been denied it.  

She sighed and twiddled her thumbs, wishing she was home. It had been such a rough day for her and she didn’t have any way to cope. She didn’t have any coping mechanisms aside from being comforted by her mother. And that wasn’t an option right now. She rubbed her eyes a little, trying not to cry. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja saw the look of sorrow in her daughter's eye when she said that now was not a good time.

"Honey, let's just get on the bus, and then I'll take you out of the chair and hold you in my lap on the way home, okay?"

She thought maybe she had answered too fast before on second thought given what her daughter must have gone through that day to ask to be cuddled in public.  That wasn't really like her.  Though her daddy had taken a toll on her, she still didn't remember her daughter asking to be held execpt when she thought they were alone.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, baby.  I'm just worried about afew things, but nothing that needs to concern you, okay?"

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela shook her head. After being told to wait until they got home she really didn’t feel like she’d get that same comfort she wanted when she asked. She already felt guilty so being held wouldn’t help that now. 

When the bus came and Michaela’s chair was lifted onto the special bus, she stayed quiet. She knew her mother was stressed and had a lot going on. She didn’t want to be part of that stress moreso than she already was. She figured if she stayed quiet she would be less likely to cause trouble. 

She stayed silent the whole bus ride, just looking out the window with the occasional sniffle as some tears ran down her pale face, even though she tried to stop them. 

Michaela had had such a hard day that little things could set her off. She was never this emotional before, but she was still dealing with a lot. Even though it wasn’t the reality, to the little girl’s mind it felt like her mother didn’t want to give her comfort right now and that Michaela was being a nuisance. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja got her on the next bus, got her chair set up in the right place, and then she sat in the seat next to it.

"Honey, do you want to come to mommy's lap now?" she asked her at one point, but it look like she was ignoring her now.  Sonja sighed.  She didn't know how to fix things at the moment.  She was certain things would get easier once they weren't worried about surviving any more, and once the girl's schedule became stable again.

Eventually, they made it to their stop across from the house, and Sonja moneuvered the chair out of the bus and to the sidewalk.

"I don't know when they'll be home, so I think we may have to forge for dinner on our own tonight, honey.  Can you stand to stay in the chair just a little longer while we go around the corner to get something to eat for dinner?"  

She was just going to go to Seven Eleven.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela ignored her mother’s offer for comfort. It wouldn’t help her at this point. She felt like a burden and a nuisance. She didn’t want to annoy her mother more than Michaela already felt like she did. 

She sighed when her mother mentioned going to the store. It had been such a rough day that she just wanted to curl up and cry. She was on the verge of a meltdown. Being so emotional all day and stressed took a toll on the eight your old. 

Michaela knew she really didn’t have a choice. Her mother couldn’t leave her alone and they needed food, so she’d have to tolerate being confined to her chair for a while longer.

She shrugged and stayed silent, afraid she’d start sobbing if she tried to talk. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja sighed and started to push her daughter towards Seven Eleven to get them something they could have the staff at the store heat up for them.

She really didn't know what to do with Michaela.  She seemed really distant suddenly, and she figured it had to do with everything from what happened at school, to missing her daddy, and moving from their old place where she had regular friends that came and talked to her all the time.  At this point, there wasn't a lot she could do for her about those things.  She could try to comfort her, but it didn't look like Michaela wanted that at the moment.

She pushed her into Seven Eleven and looked around at the food.

"Honey, can you at least point out what you want for dinner, and maybe you can get a chocolate bar, too?"

She would also get some cheap cereal and some milk.  She was sure the milk would keep on the table at least for one use, so if she just got two small cartons, then they could have cereal in the morning, and also have a little to drink.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela sighed. She wanted comfort from her mother, but felt like she had been an annoyance when she asked. She didn’t want to upset her mother even more. 

She looked around, unsure what she wanted to eat. She saw a decent looking TV dinner in the freezer. “How much is that momma?” She asked hopefully. She didn’t want to ask for anything too expensive because she knew how tight the money was. It was a reasonable price, but from her chair michaela could barely see the box let alone the price. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja picked the box up, but thinking her daughter would worry about the price even though it wouldn't set them back too much especially since they were living in the room they had much cheaper than they could get a motel room for, she didn't tell her how much it actually was.  

"It's a good price," she said.  Then she showed her the box up close to make sure that's what she wanted.

"This is what it is.  There is this one, and there are these, too."

She showed her three different kinds of meals including the one that she asked about.

"Which one looks the most appetizing to you, honey?"

Sonja could now smell that her daughter was definitely wet because she had been wearing those peed in tights and panties for over three hours now.  There was no mistaking that her daughter had peed her pants, but still, she didn't say anything about it.  It was hard enough on her that she was wet and that she had a hard day at school.  Sonja just hoped she wasn't peeing her pants again right there in her chair because that would likely upset her.

[Shy-Diapers]

“I want that one mommy.” Michaela said, pointing to one with Turkey, gravy, potatoes, stuffing, and mixed vegetables. It looked appetizing and filling. She didn’t want to eat something tiny. 

Michaela was dry at this point, but the smell didn’t fade. She was embarrassed and itchy, but was too upset and humiliated to tell her mother. She didn’t want to get in trouble for it. 

“How soon can we go? I wanna lay down or sit on the floor.” Michaela said trying not to whimper and whine. 

[Ishigreensa]

"We'll go as soon as I get my dinner, and get us some milk and cereal for breakfast in the morning, okay?  I know you want to get comfortable, baby.  And I want to change your clothes, too."

She smiled at her.

"Just a little longer, okay?"

She pushed her until she found a burrito for her own dinner.

Then she stopped by the candy.

"Do  you want any candy, honey?  I promise, we can buy some candy as long as it's not too over a dollar fifty, okay?"

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela really wanted some candy, but she felt bad. She knew money was really tight, so she didn’t want Sonja spending money on things she didn’t really need. 

“I’m ok momma.” She said quietly. She really wanted some jolly ranchers. They always made her feel better, but she wanted to help her mom save money wherever she could. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja smiled and snuck in her daughter's favorite candy anyway.  She figured even if her daughter didn't want them right at the moment, when her daughter needed something to cheer her up later, like when she went to change her, then there would be no question that she had peed, and she would be really embarrassed.

Sonja might have chewed her out if she had peed her pants last year, but this year, they were both dealing with so much, that she couldn't help but think that wetting her pants at school was partly related to her not understanding the rules at her new school, partly being depressed from not having her father around, and partly just stubborn pride being scared of admitting she needed to go in time to the teacher.  The third thing, if it had been that alone, Sonja would have definitely chewed her out, but she was sure that was not the only cause.

Once they were through the line, she started to push her daughter home, giving her a bag to carry because there was not so much room in the back of her chair considering her school books were there.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela stayed quiet on the way home, being tired and upset. She was still embarrassed about her accident. It wasn’t really pride at all that contributed to it. She was scared and confused and embarrassed. 

At the house Michaela immediately tried to get her chair to the bedroom, but she couldn’t even get it past the table. There was just no room. 

“UGH!” She cried, being so frustrated with her lack of mobility. She just started crying, having been on edge all day, this was the last straw that sent her over the edge.

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja ran over to her daughter to help her out of her chair and then helped her to the floor where Sonja sat down, and then she helped her daughter get into her lap where she could hug her and rock her a bit.  Dinner could wait a few minutes.  Her daughter was frustrated and needed her badly.

"Mommy's here," Sonja told her whispering.  "I know it was hard today, honey."

She rocked her a bit and the smell of her earlier accident assaulted her nose even stronger now that the girl was in her lap.  Her daughter was really dirty and needed a bath, but they had no access to any kind of washroom except the little toilet room with a small sink for their use.  

"It's okay," Sonja told her rocking her.  "Mommy's going to get these dirty clothes off of you, okay?"

She started to take off her daughter's skirt.

She still tried not to let on that she knew that her daughter had wet herself, but surely Michaela had to know her mom could smell it.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela cried and hugged her mother as tight as she could. She was so frustrated and upset by everything that she just couldn’t take it anymore. She hid in her mother’s chest, trying to calm down. 

Michaela knew Sonja must know she had an accident, but she wasn’t mentioning it. She felt guilty enough already without her mother mentioning it. She pushed her mother away when she tried to undress her. She wanted to maintain some independence, so she got undressed herself with minimal help.

“Why is everything so hard here momma?” She asked once she had calmed down a little. “I can’t move in the house and it’s hard to at school. And everything is so different!”

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja let her daughter get her clothes off with a little help as she could manage, and then she went to the bathroom and wet a wash cloth and got some soap.

"Honey, can you try to wash your body a little bit for mommy?  Wash as good as you can, baby.  If you need more water or on the rag, just let mommy know."

She watched her daughter bathe and then when she was done, she got some clothes for her, and then pulled her back into her lap again.

"Honey, everything seems a lot harder because you aren't used to things yet.  Change is always hard at first, and we don't had daddy to help us.  The room is just really small and we really need to get you some bigger braces and some bigger crutches, too.  I promise, those things are the first big things I'm planning to do once I can get some money together, baby."

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela washed herself up as good as she could. It was hard for her in general since she couldn’t support herself independently, not to mention with the added issue of no space. She got herself pretty clean and then gladly got into her pajamas. 

“There’s no room for me at school. My classroom is so small momma.” She said sadly. She really meant that the class didn’t have enough room for her to walk around easily, let alone use her wheelchair. The classroom just needed to be rearranged so there was more room in between things. 

“Mommy my braces and crutches hurt when I use them.” She admitted softly. “But there’s no room for my chair at all! I don’t wanna be stuck at my desk when everyone else can move!”

[Ishigreensa]

"Honey, I understand," her mother said.  "I wish we had more space at home for you to move around to at least make you comfortable here."

She didn't know how crowded the classroom was, but she knew that in the past, when her daughter started classes at first grade, the teacher had been told to rearrange her room for her and that had helped a lot.  Maybe Sonja should go and see what the classroom looks like, and then suggest it to someone.  Maybe the teacher had never had a kid with special needs in his class before.

She sighed when her little girl talked about her lack of mobility in the classroom.

"I know you don't want to be stuck at your desk all the time," she said.  "Maybe what we can do, is have your chair outside the class for when you need to go somewhere far away, and then we can keep your braces and crutches for you in the classroom for as long as you can still use them.  That way, it won't hurt so much to get to other places at school, like lunch, for example."

[Shy-Diapers]

“But I like being independent momma.” Michaela said. “I still have trouble getting into my chair by myself.” She said sadly. She hated having to rely on other people, especially when it came to things like her mobility. She was very grateful for a lot of things people took for granted, like the ability to walk. 

“I miss Ms. Carrie.” She said with a sigh. Ms. Carrie was her old physical therapist that had helped her so much. She helped Michaela’s posture and coordination, two things she struggled with a lot, but also just generally getting better at moving and preventing her from developing other issues. 

“Am I gonna have PT at school?” Michaela asked hopefully. “I know it’s expensive when I do it outside of school.” She said quietly. She felt bad that she wanted and needed all these things that were so expensive, but she really missed the independence and improvements she once had. 

[Ishigreensa]

"Yes, honey.  I'm surprised they didn't introduce you to one today.  I was assured that they would have someone to help you."

She sighed.

"I know you like your independence, sweetie.  I don't know many kids that don't, but you have to be practical about it, too, or you'll end up hurting yourself more.  That's why I said maybe we can just have you use your chair when you have to go to places outside of your classrooms.  Maybe you can just push it instead of using your crutches when you feel like trying to walk, I don't know.  I should ask a doctor about that as an option to make sure it's safe to do though."

She sighed again.

"I want so much for you to get the things you need to have as normal a childhood as I can give you, sweetie."

[Shy-Diapers]

“I didn’t meet anyone today.” Michaela said sadly. “I met my teacher and the counselor but nobody else.” She said looking down. “Do they have a special teacher here?” She asked, referring the special education teachers. Usually one was assigned to certain kids to help them and oversee their accommodations and goals. Michaela could be in a typical classroom, but did need pull out physical therapy and it helped having someone oversee her progress at school and help with her accommodations. 

“But I can’t walk without my braces.” She said back when talking about the chair. “I don’t know my teacher that good. I don’t want him putting me in my chair.” She said worriedly. Michaela didn’t like being lifted or picked up by people she wasn’t familiar with. This was normal for most kids, but it was a bigger issue for her because she needed to be lifted into her chair or onto things sometimes. 

“I’m sorry I need so much expensive stuff mommy.” She said sadly. “I can use these braces and crutches. I’ll be ok.” She fibbed. She didn’t want her mom to worry more than she already did. And if that meant being in pain a little more than usual then she’d do it. She didn’t realize though, that it would have negative affects on her posture and coordination amongst other things. Especially since Michaela was already being closely monitored to make sure she didn’t have scoliosis, since she shows some signs, and it’s common in kids with cerebral palsy, but it was hard to tell because she didn’t stand straight as well as other factors. 

[Ishigreensa]

"Maybe they are just waiting to for your special meeting where they figure out where you belong, honey.  Do you remember when we did your last CSE meeting?  They told us that they wanted to make sure they were doing everything they needed to make sure you grew healthy and progressively, right?  It's probably that the school just doesn't know everything you need yet, but they should have a meeting soon so that they can figure things out."

She smiled.

"Honey, you need new crutches no matter what.  The bigger you get without new crutches, the worse your posture will be and that's not good for your body, honey.  Trust mommy.  I know what expensive things are necessary.  Your crutches are even more important than a house, but we had to get a place to live first because some idiots in government don't realize that, and they think a house is more important."

She sighed.

"You let mommy figure out the important stuff, okay?  Please don't worry about how expensive things are.  That's not a child's job, baby."

[Shy-Diapers]

“Are they gonna put me in a different class again mommy?” Michaela asked worriedly. A few years ago Michaela had been placed in a self contained classroom because the teacher insisted she wouldn’t be able to function ‘normally’ in a typical class setting. Sonja had to complain to the school and fight to get Michaela placed properly. She was fine cognitively, just she had physical limitations. 

“I hope they’re nice.” Michaela said hopefully with a little worry in her voice. Everything was scary for her. “Momma how am I gonna get in and out of my chair? I don’t want anyone putting me in that I don’t know. I don’t like new people picking me up! I hate it!” 

Michaela sighed and frowned. She felt bad for her mother. “Okay momma.” She said softly. “I’ll try not to worry.”

”I’ll just use my chair all the time if it’s essier for you. I don’t wanna be trouble for you.” She said quietly, sadness and worry in her voice. “I just wanna be good.” Her personality was really changing. She wasn’t as bubbly and excitable as she used to be. She was withdrawn and worried constantly now. 

[Ishigreensa]

Sonja sighed.

"Well, if you don't want people getting you in and out of your chair, then you probably should just use your chair until you get to know people better, honey.  Maybe we can have them let you see the nurse when you have to use the potty.  The school nurse could help you in and out of your chair, couldn't she?"

She looked at her hopefully.

"If you use your chair at school until you get to know people better, I'll let you use your crutches and we can walk around the neighborhood in the afternoons to make sure keep your legs strong.  How would that be?  We don't want you getting too weak to walk.  I don't want other people picking you up and stuff if you are upset by it, either."

She looked down for a minute.

"I hope they don't try to change your classes on you.  You are smart enough to do what everyone else is doing.  Your problems have nothing to do with your brain, just your physical body, honey.  I will fight for you, so don't worry about that, okay?"