Sonya and Michaela Starting Over

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda walked over and picked Michaela up.

"No one is taking you to class," she told her.  "If you don't want to see Imelda, it's okay.  I don't ahve to get her.  I just thought a friend might help you cope, honey."

She put her in her lap and sat down rocking her.

"I wasn't going to take you to your classroom, honey.  I was just going to take you to the computer lab.  My schedule said that it wasn't being used today, so I thought it would be safe to go there to play some games for a while."

She kept trying to rock her and comfort her.

"It's okay to cry if you want to cry, baby.  A lot has happened, and it's natural to want to cry after so many changes to your family, sweetie."

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela frowned. She was still crying at this point. She had gotten maybe halfway to her bear before Brenda picked her up. 

Michaela sobbed and shook her head. “I don’t want her to see me! I don’t wanan see jer! I don’t wanna be around anyone else!” She insisted, her voice shaky and broken. 

“I don’t wanna cry! All I do is cry now! I’m such a baby now! I hate it! I hate it I hate it I hate it!” She cried, some of her frustrations coming to the surface. 

She cried into Brenda and shook with sobs. “I don’t wanna see anyone.” She said in a sad plead. “I didn’t even wanna come to school today. I wanna be almost alone.”

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda sighed and held her close while she sobbed for a while.

Once she had started to calm down some, she rubbed her back a bit.

"Honey, it's not being a baby to cry about loss.  Big people cry when they lose someone really precious to them too, even if you don't see them do it."

She thought about maybe finding some books about loss to show her about what is natural.

"You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to," Brenda told her.  "We can give you a couple more days to come to terms with stuff, sweetie."

She kept rubbing her back and holding her.

[Shy-Diapers]

“It’s not just crying.” Michaela whimpered. She didn’t want to say what she was thinking out loud. She had gone from not wetting the bed and being fully potty trained and being able to independently go to the bathroom by herself, to never having a dry night, and constantly wetting her pants in the day, and when she didn’t, she needed someone to take her because she couldn’t do it by herself. 

She shook her head. “I don’t wanna talk to anyone. I don’t even wanna go to school. But I have to so mommy can find a job.” She said sadly. “She said it’ll be a while, but that she’ll get me new braces and crutches as the first big thing she buys. But that’s gonna be forever from now.”

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda just continued to rub her back not sure how to help her out of this situation.  She was really getting depressed and her situation didn't look easy at all.  Brenda knew she was peeing her pants and she figured that that was part of what was causing her embarrassment and depression, but it didn't look like it was something she could easily fix for her.

"Honey, I know it's hard.  I wish you didn't have to go to school either, but the truth is, your mommy would get in trouble if you just suddenly stopped going even if she didn't have to try to find work.  There are laws about children going to school.  If your mommy doesn't educate you, you can be taken away from her.  I know you don't want that."

She patted her back.

"There is something we can do about part of the problem with you getting embarrassed in class, though, if you are okay with it...."

She paused.  She wondered if suggesting she wore diapers until she got used to things would be too hard on her or not.

[Shy-Diapers]

“I don’t wanna stay home forever.” Michaela said with a sigh. “Mommy used to be able to keep me home if I didn’t feel good or I was too tired.” She said sadly. 

She eventually stopped crying, but she was still an emotional wreck and was still upset, she just didn’t have many tears left. 

When Brenda mentioned her getting embarrassed, she looked confused. “What do you mean?” She didn’t connect that Brenda was talking about her accidents, since she hadn’t had one in class. 

[Ishigreensa]

"Well, you haven't gotten caught in class, at least not yet, but it's only a matter of time if your problems keep up.  Now, we can make sure you get pletty of time to tell someone you have to go in the first place, but that doesn't seem to necessarily prevent you from wetting, so what if we made sure by having you wear something that would keep a problem a secret?"

She smiled at her.

"Of course, it's completely up to you though."

 

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela frowned. She didn’t realize Brenda was talking about her accidents. She didn’t want to talk about them! They were extremely embarrassing and she had gotten upset that Brenda and Sonja were talking about it. 

She wished she could just get up and off Brenda’s lap, but she didn’t have that luxury. She didn’t have the strength in her legs to do that without her crutches or braces. 

She felt tears in her eyes again. “I’m not a baby! I don’t wanna talk about that! I didn’t like when you and momma talked about it!”

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda sighed.

"Michaela, no one is saying you are a baby.  I just want to make it as easy as possible for you to get along when  you are ready to go back to classes, and not doing anything about it, and at the very least, talking about it will not help it go away.  I don't want you to have it any harder than you already do, and neither does your mommy, honey."

She sighed.

"Look.  We can drop it, but I strongly suggest that you talk about it with your mother and figure something out because things will only get worse if you don't figure out a way to control this at school."

She put Michaela down on the floor.

"I am guessing you are in no mood to talk right now, so I'm going to let you have a few minutes to cool down.  I had no intention of upsetting you, and I don't want to make it worse by talking when you don't want to.  When I come back, we'll figure out something else to do.  But please do think about what you and your mom should do to help you with this situation, okay?"

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela frowned. She was humiliated. She knew what Brenda was suggesting and she didn’t like it. She remembered part of her potty training, since it was harder for her, and she worked really hard to get out of diapers. She didn’t want to go back into them. 

At 9 years old, she was too young to really understand that it might be for her own good and it could be beneficial for her. She couldn’t get rid of the connotation of diapers and babies. She hated having to wear padding to bed when she wet the bed before. 

She stayed silent on the floor. She sighed and stared at the chair she sat in her first day. She frowned and looked to her lap. She wanted to be able to climb up into it independently. She decided she’d at least try. She was sick of not being able to do what everyone else could. 

Wirh a deep breath, she gripped onto the desk chair she had been sitting in before. Her legs were not steady at all. She tried to use the chair like a walker, but she slipped, her legs giving out and causing her to fall backwards. She hit her head on the edge of the table and cried out in pain. She wasn’t seriously hurt, but it had surprised her and would need some ice. 

Michaela’s self esteem dropped even more.  She couldn’t even get to a chair a few feet away. She felt so stupid. She cried buried her face into her hands after she got the energy to sit up. She was so angry at herself and her situation. 

[Ishigreensa]

Some one heard her cry out in pain and the door opened immediately.  Brenda wasn't so careless as to leave her completely alone because she was still a child, and even if her movements were limited, she was still bound to find some trouble to get into.

An office worker came in and saw that the girl had fallen down and had  a bump on her head.

"Are you okay?" she called to her.  "Can I pick you up and take you to the nurse to get you some ice for your head?"

 

Brenda was in another classroom watching one of her other students she worked with while she gave MIchaela time to calm down.

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela pulled away from the office worker. She didn’t know who she was and didn’t trust her to pick her up. Her head was throbbing and she was crying, but that didn’t make her suddenly trusting of strangers. She looked away, holding her head with one hand. She wasn’t bleeding or anything, but just like any other little kid who got hurt, it was painful and shocking to her. 

More than her head hurting though, was how she felt about herself. She felt helpless and useless. It was so hard to function with her limited mobility. It was awful. She was angry with herself and disappointed as well. 

[Ishigreensa]

The office worker sighed and walked back out of the room and paged Brenda to come and help Michaela in her office.

five minutes later, Brenda came in, and she squatted down by the upset little girl.

"Michaela, honey, you have a bump on your head.  We should get some ice on it.  I was going to let you have a few more minutes, but it looks like you hurt yourself, honey."

She reached down to pick her up.

"I'm just going to take you to see the nurse and get some ice, okay?"

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela sighed and nodded to Brenda. She kept her gaze averted and down, feeling guilty. 

“I’m sorry.” She said sadly. “I just wanted to sit in a chair. I thought I could get up there by myself.” She said with a small whimper. 

[Ishigreensa]

"Well, I didn't want you in a chair by yourself, so I put you on the floor," Brenda explained.  "What if you got upset or needed something?  I thought at least on the floor, you could manage to pull yourself to the play area, but in the chair, since we didn't have your things to make moving easier, that you might fall out and get hurt.  I guess you still managed to get hurt anyway."

She frowned.

"I probably should have told you I didn't want you to get in the chair, then this might have been prevented, especially if you understood why."

She carried her to the nurse and sat her on her lap as she waited.

Eventually some ice came over and Brenda applied the damp cloth wrapped in ice to the girl's head.

[Shy-Diapers]

“I’m sorry.” Michaela said guiltily. “I hate not being able to do anything. It’s so hard! It’s hard enough with my crutches, but it’s impossible without them. I just wanna be normal and do what everyone else can.” She said with a sigh. 

She winced when the ice hit her head. But it was helping. She was embarrassed and disappointed in herself. 

[Ishigreensa]

"I suppose those are normal feelings," Brenda said.  "It's no wonder it's so hard on you to talk about certain things because they remind you of what you find difficult."

She rocked her.

"But you know, even other kids who seem normal have their own difficulties.  No one is completely problem free.  While some people can walk by themselves and have what you think is a normal life, they have other problems.  Some of them are abused by their parents.  Some of them can't make friends easily, and some of them, even though they walk very well and seem to have everything going their way, they are wearing diapers for one reason or another.  I bet you didn't realize that, did you?  There is no such a thing as a normal person having a perfect life.  And some kids will think you are normal because you have a mother who cares about you, and you talk normally and seem to be able to do anything you want, at least to them."

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela sighed. She had heard speeches and rants like Brenda’s so many times before. They just made her feel guilty at this point. So often it seemed like she wasn’t allowed to feel what she was feeling because she was always told that other people are worse off. Sometimes she just wanted to feel bad about herself. 

“I know I know.” She said getting upset again. She didn’t know what to say or do besides cry. She was struggling with having to move backwards in all of her abilities, and it felt like nobody was recognizing how it felt for her. She knew some people were worse off, but that didn’t mean that she hated not being able to be independent any less. 

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda continued to rock her.

"It's okay," she said hearing the way she said 'I know' knowing she was getting upset again.  "I didn't mean that you couldn't feel upset about not being normal or something.  I just wanted you to know that when you see normal, you shouldn't put so much stock in it.  It's still hard to deal with, even if you know other people have problems, honey.  And it is okay to feel upset that you can't move when you want to or can't do something else when you want or need to."

She patted her back.

"And I'm here, honey.  It's okay to cry if you feel like crying."

[Shy-Diapers]

“I know other people aren’t normal. I know people are worse than me.” Michaela said with a sigh. She just felt stupid for even being upset for struggling with what she couldn’t do. 

“I just wanna do what I used to. I can’t even walk anymore. It hurts too much and momma says it’s not good for me. I worked so hard to be able to do everything. But now I can’t do any of it anymore.”

[Ishigreensa]

Brenda sighed and rocked her.

"Well, that does make a difference," she said.  "That only makes it harder, honey.  I now understand why you are so upset about being reminded about the things you can't seem to do lately."

She rubbed her back.

"This is the first year you've peed in your pants at school, isn't it, honey?  It's okay.  I'm sure once things settle down and you get better braces or whatever you need, that that will stop.  And I'm sure you'll be able to walk better once we figure out how to get you bigger braces so you can move more normally, honey."

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela blushed and nodded. “it took a while before I was potty trained.” She said quietly. “I wasn’t done til after kindergarten.” She said embarrassedly. “But after that I never had accidents! I had some at night for a while, but not for long and not in forever.” She said with a sigh. 

“I hate not being able to walk. My wheelchair can’t fit most places and it’s hard to push it after a while. I miss being able to walk and run.”

[Ishigreensa]

"You used to run?" Brenda said sounding surprised.  "I didn't know that you could do that."

She patted her back.

"Is it because your condition is getting worse that you can't, or is it because you don't have the right things for your legs?"

She looked over at the nurse.

"There aren't any special programs for children with struggling families are there, you know, that might help pay for new braces or crutches for her?"

The nurse shook her head.

"I don't know, but I can certainly look into it."

"I think MIchaela and her mother would appreciate it.  Her mother is doing everything she can for her right now, but the truth is, the little girl needs her mom as soon as she gets out of school, and there doesn't seem to be anyone hiring that will let her take off when she needs to be with her daughter."

"I do know that the school has a free program for parents that need to pick up their kids late."

"Yeah, but they don't have a car and the bus for special needs kids always leaves at three."

The nurse frowned.  "I'll look into that to see if there is anything we can do about it."

"Yeah, I will, too."

Brenda looked back at Michaela.  "You see?  Everyone here wants to help you and your mommy.  We don't like you feeling like you can't do anything, honey."

[Shy-Diapers]

Michaela nodded. “When my braces and crutches fit well I can run. It looks kinda funny to people, but I can do it.”

She shook her head when Brenda asked if she was getting worse. “Nuh uh, it doesn’t get worse. I have cerebral palsy.” She explained. “It doesn’t get worse. I can learn to work better with my legs, but it takes a lot of work and is really hard. My legs can’t be completely normal but I can do what other people can. One day I might be able to walk without my crutches. But I probably will need braces still. Cuz my legs are weak and kinda like jelly or noodles.” At this point Michaela could explain her disability easily to most people since she’d done it for years and had heard her parents and doctors explain and talk about it too.

She nodded. “I know. I appreciate it. It’s just really hard.” She said sadly. 

[Ishigreensa]

"Of course it's hard," Brenda said hugging her again.  "It's even harder when you see everyone else having fun, but you can't do those things because you can't get over there and make your legs work the way you want.  I can definitely understand that, honey."

She smiled.

"Well, I hope your mom lets us help you people.  I know she's trying really hard, and that she wants people to know she wants to do everything for you because she loves you."

She looked over at the clock.

"It's almost lunch time.  Do you want to eat in the counseling room so you don't have to face anyone else right now?"