I just wanna hide...

[Guest Mikos Tay]

I don't know what I'm doing wrong... Nobody likes me... nobody wants to talk... everyone just leaves me or ignore me... what did I do? Noah is suppose to be my brother and is suppose to be there for me like I've been for him... but... he's too busy with his stupid suicidal boyfriend... he cares more about Ehvi than me... I've known Noah for two years... almost three... Ehvi he's known for what? A few months? a year? *sighs* Hassie hates me... I knew it would never work out between us... I can't make her happy, idk how... I try but I guess I'm just not good enough... and Adam... I've only known him for 6 months... and yet... he's my daddy... he cares so much about me... but... I doubt he wants me in his life if I ever were close to him... I really don't know if he really loves me as his baby girl... he says he loves me... but... he's so sad all the time... I hate seeing him sad...

So what is it that has made them all sad? it feels like its all my fault cause as soon as I started talking with every one of them... they became sad/depressed... I just want them to be happy... I try so hard each day to make them smile... but then its like it didnt mean anything for them...

And in real life, my dad has his new family, me not included, he says I'm welcome there but I don't feel very welcome. His stupid wife is a motha fucking bitch I just wanna rip her fucking head off, and they have a new child dad loves her and gives her everything I never got from him...

My mom is really nice and I love her a lot even though I have trouble saying it... but we live in a situation where we barely have enough money for food... I havent bought myself new clothes in over a year... I hate seeing my mom cry almost every day... its really painful...

I miss my brother... he and I were so close... he tried to raise me since he realized our dad was a piece of shit... then he died... its been three years and it feels like the pain will never ever go away... I never was allowed to give him any hugs... at all... and after my first rape I started to understand...

I cannot count how many times it has happened to me... and the memories are luckily weak but they are still there... making me uncomfortable each day... I hate when people touch me and hug me... I don't trust any guy... I'm always watching... always on my post... I wish I could for once just relax... but I cant, memories haunting me... I cant trust anyone... everyone I've known has betreyed me... stabbed me in the back... I'm so sick of it all... how I can still be alive at this point... my health may be weak... but my soul is strong... maybe thats why... I keep things inside of me... heavy things... things noone need to know about... things that would only hurt people... but sometimes... I need to write... to get it all out...

I just want to hide... get away from all this pain... I wish I could die, but after so many suicide attempts that has only failed I've just stopped... whenever it's my time to leave this shitty place we call earth... I'll happily accept it... no wasting time... just take me under the wings and let me go...

[Bettypooh]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. While this may be just the internet and not in person face-to-face, there are good people here who care and want you to feel better. Yes, life can be crappy sometimes but there is always hope for something better. It seems like you are a very giving person, but have you taken some time to give to yourself? You deserve to be rewareded for all that you do for others so take some personal time to do what you want to- something that makes you feel good- and don't let anyone else intrude into that time. The world with all it's problems will still be there when you're ready to get back to it and you will then be in a better condition to deal with it

[Howl]

Sorry if I am intruding I saw you post on the side of the home page.

[Codymoogle]

First, I can sympathize with your situation. My biggest piece of advice (coming from someone who's been suicidal/attempted & has a crappy past) is get a good therapist. They can help a lot if you find the right one. The second piece of advice is try to talk to your family. Write a letter. Anything non-self injurious to get your feelings known.

[Guest Mikos Tay]

thx everyone for your support.

Secondly, calling your brother's suicidal boyfriend stupid doesn't seem fair.

~ Cody, AKA moogle

No its not fair to call Noahs bf stupid, but if a person "dies" 4 times I believe that he's lying (btw this is online if you didnt know ) no one can possibly die 4 times, and be a gang leader, and break out of jail and hospitals at only age 17. It's not possible and each day that goes by he seems more and more fake. So what I do think is, yes he may be suicidal, but all he wants is attention and the attention he gets doesnt seem good enough + its making my brother really sad ._.

[puffybedwetter]

Ive learned from joel Osteen, ( I think hes a preist but also a motiviator) he mentioned that you cant force yourself to be accepted by the so called in crowd that your mind makes it out to be. Eventually your own in crowd will come to you.

[Bettypooh]

Problems come in two kinds- the ones which belong to you and the ones that don't You can't walk away fromn the first kind- it will follow you until you address it. The other kind is different- it is your choice as to if and how you will be involved with it I don't like to abandon people, but I cannot let them drag me down so far that I am unable to deal with my own life. There are times when I must back away in order to save myself. Those close to me know this about me, they understand that with my depression I go through times where I simply cannot help them and they're going to have to manage on their own I'll be back as soon as I can because I do care- my heart is in the right place but my abilities are limited

[Guest Mikos Tay]

It is hard to give myself something. Mostly cause I don't feel like I've earned it. And also, I don't know what to do to make myself happy. Neither do I know what can get all my stress away since nothing is relaxing enough.

[Bettypooh]

Nothing is going to cure depression completely, but anything that helps is a good start. It dioesn't have to be anything big as long as it's at least ten minutes long and you enjoy it It can even be something you do now, like watching a TV show- just change how you do it to exclude the woirld and it's problems while you're doing it. My after-work bath was necessary so I changed it to a bubble bath and ignored the phone and the door- that made it mine Being relaxed physically during this time helps, and focus on whatever it is that you like about it- don't be thinking about anything negative. I'd have the stereo going with some relaxing music and I planned 'happy' stuff as I soaked away my stress like my next clothes shopping, my meals, what I wanted to do with my flowers

[Dill_Pickle]

Tayiie:

[Guest Mikos Tay]

Dill_Pickle:

How can I help myself if I don't even know how? I don't care about myself at all, all I care about is to make other better. I could give my own life in return for them to have a better life.

Well I do know the language, I know it as good as my english, the reason why I don't speak Swedish is becase I don't want to. I hate sweden and everything about this stupid country, therefore I don't feel like speaking a language I hate. + I don't need to take classes when I'm still in highschool.

[Dill_Pickle]

The way to care about yourself is as follows, then

Think about how much more you can help if....

You are happy yourself....

You are healthy yourself and have all kinds of positive energy...

You are rich, and have money and resources to share....

You know lots of things, so you can remember or figure out what to say to help....

Now, I don't quite get why you are stuck in sweden, but you should treat it as an adventure. Maybe its a guy thing, this going out in the world, far from home, and having a great time, but a lot of it is deciding to enjoy yourself. As an example, you may have heard of the "derecho" that struck the eastern US a few years ago. i was stuck out on the road between three trees I culd do nothing about, so I made myself and my wife as comfortable as I could. We played games, we slept a bit, and I eventually helped a guy with a tree in the road. This was a conscious decision...we could also have made ourselves miserable, but to no good purpose. In a few hours, we drove home, around other trees in the road and not on our originally planned route.

Go, find people doing things you like to do. I promise you, they aren't far from you.

[KevMo04]

Tayiie, I know how you feel about caring for others and not yourself. That's how I've felt all my life. If I have to take a hit so that the ones I care about benefit, so be it. In a way, I just try and do what others like. I hope for you and me both, that we can treat ourselves better and possibly live a better life. I really do hope things get better though.

[Dill_Pickle]

This other wants you happy so you don't drain his tax dollars going to shrinks and mental hospitals and medical hospitals, you hear???