Several Years Later; Reflections And Thoughts

[gah!ghost]

A Little History:

I've been interested in wearing diapers for as long as I can remember. It's one of the few things I actually do remember about early childhood, certainly as far back as 2nd grade. I have plenty of stories I could tell and have done in the past and may do more so in the future. For now suffice to say I used to fantasize about when I would be 18 and out on my own and be able to do what I wanted. Of course you don't actually move out and live on your own at 18. At least I didn't. You can't afford it and need roommates.

I've lived with my parents and lived out of their house with roommates up until about six months or so ago. I am now 31 years old and am living on my own for the first time in my life.

But let me back track a bit. The first time I ever bought any diapers was when I was living in an apartment with roommates about eight years ago. My parents where out of town and asked me to house sit so I took the opportunity to order some samples and have them delivered to their house. I ordered some Attends, Tena, and Molicare. I wore the Molicare Super Plus for all of about 30 minutes before freaking out a bit, feeling guilty, and throwing the lot of them away. I don't really count this as a first experience.

I didn't order diapers again until roughly a few years ago. I'm terrible with time it could have been longer or shorter. Anyway I ordered some Abena X-Plus with the cloth backing. At this point I was still living with roommates. At first I would only order diapers when everyone else was out of town, usually during some holiday. Later I realized since I ordered so damn much stuff through the post no one would even question me getting another big box. I still freaked out the entire day waiting for the diapers to arrive though. I don't know how some of the younger people on here buy stuff in stores. I would have a literal heart attack before I got to the register.

I really only ever was diapered at night, behind a locked door, and even then not very often. Maybe once a week if that.

Now living on my own I usually go diapered most nights of the week and depending on plans spend all day at least one weekend day.

The Community:

I first started participating in the community, under the name banter, about the same time my "real" diaper wearing started a a few years back. As said not exactly sure when that was. My first post was on ADISC and the aggressive negativity in the replies lead me to stop posting immediately and I didn't start again for quite some time. I eventually started posting again but the vitriol I felt was so prevalent there eventually lead me elsewhere.

I had come to DD a few times, while I was still active on ADISC, looking at the reviews mostly. I never really looked at the forums but as my interest in the other place waned I started reading the forums here. They didn't seem all that different, maybe a bit more adult, but I gave it a shot and started posting anyway. Right off the bat things where so much better. I didn't get scolded anytime I posted anything and because of that I didn't fear starting new threads like I always did on ADISC.

There's also this thing that happens on the internet, particularly on large forums, where everyone just becomes this mass of faceless voices, at least for me. It feels more like yelling into a crowd than being involved in a discussion. ADISC always felt like that to me. Here though, maybe because of a core of long-time active members, I have found more "people" than faceless crowd. I still don't really know anyone all that well but I'm getting there and starting to see potential friendships which is great.

On a side note, I have this issue with girls. Probably not the issue most people have. I have identified as asexual since high school and fairly recently have really embraced that instead of feeling like it was something wrong with me that I just made up a label to justify. There's now an asexual pride flag and everything. Anyway, my problem is that I have always felt threatened by guys. Maybe it's because I was picked on quite a bit early on. Maybe it's because I have never been all that similar to the archetypical "guy". I don't want to talk about sex, girls, sports, drinking, etc. I don't like how it seems as if most guys I meet don't actually like women. I'm also a skinny weird dude and while it's never happened I'm always worried about getting my ass kicked simply for being weird and a bit effeminate.

I got a bit off point there but I don't ever want to be one of those guys. I know it's stupid but my first inclination is to avoid women even though I prefer them as friends for fear of either coming off as threatening or leading them on. The latter has happened a couple times despite announcing I'm asexual to the girl in question early in our friendship. Some people just can't believe it. So fair warning. If you're a girl I might act a bit of an idiot.

So What Does it all Mean?

In terms of diapers, I am still a bit self conscious about it and still get a bit nervous when waiting for a delivery. I've found I like a broad variety although I don't like cloth all too much. I tried some AIOs and they're OK but not really for me. I don't particularly like pullups either. I do like both cloth and plastic backed disposables though which I only realized recently. Also of note, is that early on I just assumed it was a sexual fetish for me. I'm not into the AB thing at all and common wisdom seems to be that if you only like diapers it's a sexual thing. It took me awhile to figure out but it isn't at all for me. I kept trying to force a sexual interest, not unlike trying to force myself into dating in late Middle School and High School. Masterbation has no effect on my desire to wear diapers and diapers have no effect on my desire, or more accurately, need to masterbate. I have also come to like wetting diapers although I didn't particularly like it at first. I think a big part of that though was not living alone and what a pain it was to discreetly clean up and throw away the diapers. Oh and messing is not for me. I tried it once. Never again. I almost threw up. I'm just way too fastidious.

I'm very happy to be an active member here and am happier still to have found a place to associate with people who "know" I have this interest. I'm not sure I'd ever want to meet up with anyone in person. That may very well change but right now I'm none too eager to meet anyone I know online in person, even people I have known for 15+ years. Hell I'm even reticent to join the chat here as that feels too direct a line of communication. You'd think at 31 I'd be less diaper agoraphobic.

It's odd to me I have such a hangup about this in particular. I am so open with everyone I meet about everything else. I tell people I'm into BDSM, crossdressing, am asexual, don't drink, etc. Hell I used to go out in women's clothing all the time in my early 20s. My parents even knew I did, my sister used to let me borrow her clothes. Maybe I'm just covetous of this as a secret since I share so much of everything else about myself openly. If that was the case though I don't think I'd be so paranoid about it so that's probably not it at all.

[Guest hachimaki]

Thanks for holding up the mirror. (Well, except for the BDSM and cross dressing.) My story is quite a bit like yours. I too have a hard time explaining why I don't have a girlfriend. Some people just don't get that I'm not terribly interested in the dating scene, and that I tend to value my privacy, almost to the point of isolation. I go out, but I don't hang out very long due to the fact that I tend to get a bit of anxiety around people, padded or not. It's a hard thing to deal with especially in my job where I have to deal with people and their issues, whether it be business related or someone was having a bad day.

As for the diaper part, I started getting interested in middle school, and have been found out by my parents, several times. I'm 33 and I'm on my own for the first time. (No roommates.) I'm still sketchy about waiting on packages and wearing, though now I don't wear so often because I work diffrent shifts at different days. Makes it hard to pull off, but I tend to make it work.

[Squidgy]

It takes a certain something to be so open. I don't post a lot and only get involved with stuff that strikes my chord - your post certainly did that!

I got my own place a few years ago and as much as having to maintain a full time job to pay all the bills stresses the hell out of me, the fact I can indulge in my thing whenever I like is such a huge relief it evens it out.

I clearly remember the frustrating years of living with my parents, trying to wear towels folded in different ways and only ocassionally "acquiring" baby nappies from visiting relatives' changing bags (and no, I am not proud of those moments).

When I finally got internet access in my late teens, realising I wasn't alone was an amazing feeling, and then finding there were loads of adult nappies available to buy, and even some brands online, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had to wait several months until my parent's had a week-long holiday and I siezed the chance to place an order for a bag of Attends, I forget which type but they were the sort that are now called Slip Active. Being the first adult-size nappies I had ever tried they blew my mind, but anxiety got the better of me and ended up only using a few of them, throwing the rest away before my parents got back.

That week every year was my only chance for several years, ordering different brands online to see what they were like for myself. That first purge annoyed me so I created a good hiding place in my cupboard and only had a couple of purges when my room was being redecorated - there wasn't space for hiding stuff when that happened!

I can also relate to hachimaki about dating and being around people - I'm a definite introvert (the second paragraph here explains my exact thoughts when I say that), which makes it almost impossible to find the right person. My main fear is that if I did happen to meet someone and our feelings were mutual, I would not be able to let a relationship develop without them accepting my kink. Involvement would be a background thought at that point.

I finally accepted who I am a year or so ago, feel much happier for it, and maintain that there is no "normal".

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

Interesting Topic & thoughts you started here. While I'm not disagreeing with you completely, it Can be done to move out of one's parents by yourself without roomates at a young age. (I did, the start of the month following my 19th Birthday.) Not to say that its always been easy & without its setbacks, believe me, I've had several setbacks, this being said, I want/need total independence & I need throughly enjoy my uninterrupted privacy. These setbacks have helped me & I have learned from them & hey what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Or at least so they say anyway.

For me, needing my complete indepence & total privacy may come from my Background, due to the way I was raised or more accurately rushed through my childhood to be self dependent & self-reliant from a very young age, & I had three younger siblings, & after my first sibling came along, I was almost never by myself or had any or hardly any privacy.

Eventhough my desires first came along when I was around 11 or 12, I was never able to indulge in them really until after I moved out of my parents house. Although I do remember one time when I was going to a Boy Scout Meeting & my Mother helped take care of an elderly lady & she cleaned her house & this lady had some incontinence issues & my mother bought depends for this lady & one time when my mom was dropping me & my brothers off at our meeting & there was an open package of depends underneath the back seat & I snuck one out of the package in my backpack & tried it on in the restroom of the building where the meeting was at. Although I wasn't able to wear it for long at all or use it or anything, at that point I knew I was hooked! After that time I stayed away from them until I got out from my parents.

When I first moved out & I got a package of diapers from Walgreens I was so nervous, but eventually it became second nature & like no big deal. Finally a few months ago I got the ability to purchase some premium diapers online. I can definitely understand the nervousness about deliveries, but I bet that will eventually go away.

As far as the Community here goes, DD is the only fetish site that I have ever visited, or am a member of, but this site & its respective members really helped me come to grips with this part of myself & to accept it & realize that its ok. I am grateful & thankful to this site & everyone within it.

Rockies Fan.

[gah!ghost]

I certainly agree it's possible to move out on your own and live alone at a young age without too much money. There's all sorts of variables of course and me being a total fuckwit with money at that time in my life was a big factor in it's impossibility for me. I was the sort of person who had plenty of money to pay my share of the rent but still managed to constantly be over drafting my account and always be short on rent. Fortunately I'd like to think I'm MUCH better at this now. Took me something like five or six years to get there though.

Thanks for the replies from everyone as well. It's very nice to hear I'm not alone in my largely unfounded paranoia. I will say that while I'm naturally fairly introverted years of working retail as made me a fairly outgoing person even if I haven't worked retail in coming up on a decade now. I think I also became more outgoing as a bit of a defense mechanism for being someone who chose to be a bit weirder than everyone else.

[Guest hachimaki]

I can also relate to hachimaki about dating and being around people - I'm a definite introvert (the second paragraph here explains my exact thoughts when I say that), which makes it almost impossible to find the right person. My main fear is that if I did happen to meet someone and our feelings were mutual, I would not be able to let a relationship develop without them accepting my kink. Involvement would be a background thought at that point.

I was seeing a therapist for about a year and a half and it was at that time that I was diagnosed as a schizoid personality. I think the introversion, as pointed out in the link, is a major component. Yes I do like to hang out with the handful of friends that I have, but I'm more likely to find something to do by myself, such as games or going out to sample the town's fine cuisine. (No sarcasm intended.)

To gah!ghost, my current job is in the hospitality/customer service field, in which I do tend to be a little more outgoing, but it does have it's difficulty, especially with an additonal bi-polar component and it does take a bit out of me, especially during the busy season. When someone wants to do something after work, I have to have that time to decompress and relax before I get the ambition (lack of better term) to go out and get involved socially, even if it is just me and the other person. It's very rare that I get off work, change and go right out.

[gah!ghost]

I'm rather scared of ever getting diagnosed with anything. Well for one I'm of one the millions of Americans with no healthcare and I couldn't even come close to affording seeing anyone. Second though I have a rather deep seated fear of being diagnoses as being psychopathic. On a layman's first glance I certainly have many of the hallmarks. I very notably have very shallow emotions and with very few exceptions almost nothing causes me stress. Actually I think the DL thing is about the only thing that causes me anything like stress. That's part of why it wigs me out so much is that it's such an alien feeling. Heh, I also see "superficial charm" is listed which I sure as hell have and was just talking about my ability to do that.

[Guest hachimaki]

I'm rather scared of ever getting diagnosed with anything. Well for one I'm of one the millions of Americans with no healthcare and I couldn't even come close to affording seeing anyone. Second though I have a rather deep seated fear of being diagnoses as being psychopathic. On a layman's first glance I certainly have many of the hallmarks. I very notably have very shallow emotions and with very few exceptions almost nothing causes me stress. Actually I think the DL thing is about the only thing that causes me anything like stress. That's part of why it wigs me out so much is that it's such an alien feeling. Heh, I also see "superficial charm" is listed which I sure as hell have and was just talking about my ability to do that.

For me, a diagnosis helped me to put a name to what has been going on for the past 25+ years, while at the same time,making things more confusing. Supposedly, I was the first kid in my school district to be diagnosed with autism, which would later develop into Asperger's. I do still see some of the hallmarks of that, along with remembering all the occupational therapy, speech therapy that I had to do while I was growing up. However, it seems that a lot of the characteristics that I attributed to ASD coincide with being a schizoid. It is kind of nice of being able to put a name to it, and being able to make sense of how I turned out the way I did. As far as the diapers are concerned, I don't get too worried about how I got into this. Right now, I'm concerened about burning up the supplies that I have to get some new stuff. (The Assure boxers suck, and some of the generic sleep pants don't exactly fit my 36" waist.)

[gah!ghost]

Yeah I would certainly seek help if I felt my life was being negatively impacted. Fortunately I'm very content which is all I could really ask of life.