Hi, My Name Is Rina... And I Have A Problem

[Guest Baby Rina]

Like the title says, hi i'm rina... i'm 27 years old and trans, legally got my name changed even got my gender changed on my id and that's just awesome. However i am having a lot of trouble at work (check out my thread in the rainbow diapers board for more on that) but... it's got me to a point... i'm just SO stressed out and pushed past my limits... i really don't know how much more i can take before i do something rash....

I live in a really small town, there aren't that many places to work for someone like me who doesn't have their own transportation, really i am left with like 12 places and none of them are hiring. My boss used to be like a parent figure to me before i came out and started to transition and now we are locked in struggle at work just because i want the new me to be acknowledged as who i am. Trying to get my house packed up and ready to be sold, but i'm just so depressed i don't even feel like doing anything at all... just want to sit on the couch or sleep.

I actually felt like killing myself a couple days ago, and i'm not really sure that i'm over that. Originally after i got the house ready to sell i was going to stay with a friend in the city i want to move to until the house sold but that sorta fell through so my attempt to get a head start on living somewhere else crashed on me. I can't take my job anymore, i have assurance from human resources that actions are being taken and things will get better but knowing my boss for as long as i have i really don't see that being the case. The vacation i was planning on taking this week to get away from my store for a while has completely fell through, i got in a rather large fight with my mother in my depression and suicidalness and she called the police in my area to check up on me and i went off on her over that too. Needless to say we are back to not speaking to each other and the plane tickets were canceled. I'm at my wits end and really i just don't know what to do.

People always say that i'm strong willed and that i can do anything, but i don't believe them. I know i do have a strong will but with everything going on right now, i feel like i am pushed beyond my limits and beyond what i can take as a person with no end or help in sight. I really don't think i can take much more of this, and if it doesn't get better soon than i will probably get worse...

[BabySarahLauren]

Congrats on getting your name and ID changed. Speaking of that...change is never easy. Some folks--your boss, for example--don't easily handle change. It's not your fault! Yes, everything seems to have fallen apart. And right now, life sucks! But use that strong will of yours. You'll make it!

[jbz2079]

Hi Rina, I have been following your trouble at work posts, I think in everything you have done so far, you have been determined and strong willed.

Whatever you do, Don't give up now.

You never know what waits around the next corner.

[BabySarahLauren]

I agree with jbz2079: don't give up now! You can do it!

[Guest Baby Rina]

i had a long talk with the DM yesterday that made me feel a bit better at work... I'm off the next 10 days with nothing to do but hopefully i can pull myself together, i dunno though. I feel spread really thin and pulled apart. I actually had a friend contact my mother and politely ask her to take her nose out of my life, i just hope that helps and she will actually follow through with it. I have ... I have lashed out at my friends so much in the past few days too, i dunno if i can forgive myself, much less them forgive me

[Burp_Cup]

Hi Rina,

I think that us 'adults' can feel mired in a vat of glue at times. It's like we're unable to get "unstuck" too, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Finding some solace in: prayer, meditation, a simple walk down a country lane, watching and listening to birds, or smelling the earth, whatever. There is something that comforts all of us, and it's individual for everyone. Please try it.

The past is the past. Yesterday was yesterday. Tomorrow though, is a new and fresh beginning. Small steps... one at a time, one at a time.

I'm currently dissatisfied with the position of the Catholic Church, with their social and political stances on most things, but pray the rosary daily because I believe the discipline and meditation gives me a positive mind. That's just me though.

Take care, and hang in there!

[Guest Baby Rina]

I've never claimed to be an adult in any way shape or form. And religion is not for me... I'm on vacation right now so i'm doing a little better, but i worry about the future when i go back to work.

[Burp_Cup]

Baby Rina;

I wasn't trying to push religion on you!

Anyway, have fun on your vacation... enjoy!

Best of luck when you're back at work, hope all goes well.

soggybobby,

[abbear]

^{Don't worry about what will happen tomorrow or anytime in the future. Live in the moment and be proud of who you are. As for work, there's not much I can give you advice on for that other than to tell your boss where to stick it. He is in the wrong for acting the way he is but it is probably because he doesn't know how to handle the situation. As for your Mom, well if you were feeling suicidal and you expressed that to her then she did the right thing by calling the police to check on you. It means she is worried about you. And if you told her you were feeling suicidal it means you really wanted her help whether you realized it or not. I don't know the whole story on your relationship with your mother so this is just my opinion of course. But hey, hang in there and try to just enjoy your life, you made a decision to change now stick with it and use your strong will to accept the fact that there are reprocussions to every big decision we make in our lives. And when it comes right down to it, be happy and be yourself.}

[Guest Baby Rina]

My mother ha ha .... we haven't seen each other face to face since 2004 except briefly in 2008 when i had her banned from my dad's funeral. I believe my exact words were "You aren't family, get out" since winter I have been attempting to rebuild a relationship with her but her actions kinda snapped that off. Considering her actions are what made me suicidal in the first place she doesn't get to make that call... the familiy i associate with does. All she did for me was spawn me...

[Diapered Jason]

Rina, you have to be the better person. I commend the way you have been solving the problem at work judicially, but you need to treat your mom and other people around you better no matter what they say. Yes, you have been stepped on, you are a broken, and these experiences will forever shape your actions in the future, but suicide is not an option and neither is hate or anger. You will pull through this and eventually, this chapter in your life will be over, and a new chapter will begin.

Another thing, it is okay to be a short term pessimistic, but it is critical you be a long term optimistic. Remember to keep thinking about your long term goals and what you want to do with your life (for that, I disagree with abbear), but at the same time, make sure you give yourself plenty of time to rest along the way (That is where I agree with abbear). If you are strong willed, there is nothing that can stop you in completing your goals.

[Guest Baby Rina]

I do try to treat other people nice, but my mom isn't people she's a monster in people clothing. I'm not the only person that feels that way either. She's done a lot of horrible things to me, left me feeling broken and crushed, and those things continue with me to this day. I've tried to do a lot better and most of the time i do... but that incident last week just knocked me so low, so bad... i didn't know what else to do.

[Diapered Jason]

I do try to treat other people nice, but my mom isn't people she's a monster in people clothing. I'm not the only person that feels that way either. She's done a lot of horrible things to me, left me feeling broken and crushed, and those things continue with me to this day. I've tried to do a lot better and most of the time i do... but that incident last week just knocked me so low, so bad... i didn't know what else to do.

I understand, but you're doing the opposite of what I mentioned. I am not asking you to vindicate your mother's actions and forget everything that has transpired, but I am asking you not to lambaste her. It does you no good. One thing you probably should keep in mind is she, as sad as it is, is the only parent you have left. I am just an outside observer and will never know the details or how bad it is and was, but I would never want to hold a grudge against my parents. Reach out with a gesture of good faith if you can. That is being the better person. If she is too belligerent and disparaging towards you despite anything you do, then there is not much you can do as it is beyond your control. There is no other option than to just move on for now.

[Guest Baby Rina]

This failed vacation trip that has me sitting on my couch right now... was supposed to BE that very attempt of good will that wound up being part of the cause of my little breakdown

[Diapered Jason]

This failed vacation trip that has me sitting on my couch right now... was supposed to BE that very attempt of good will that wound up being part of the cause of my little breakdown

As I said, then there is not much you can do, and this is not your fault. Move on for now and try again later when you are ready.

[Guest Baby Rina]

you make it sound like its easy

[Diapered Jason]

you make it sound like its easy

I apologize, because I did not mean to make it sound like I was telling you what you should do. I do not know and probably will never know the dynamics involved. After all, I am just an outside observer. My comments are mere observations and suggestions based on what you said as well as my personality and how I process these things in my mind. Basically, what works for me may not work for you and that is notwithstanding the knowledge I do not really have of your experiences.

[Bettypooh]

Rina, I wish I could say or do something to help, but right now I'm neck deep in my own problems and I can't take on more. All I can say is that I care and I want you to know that it will get better so long as you try to make that happen. Have faith in yourself. You've achieved more than I have in half the time. You have a future while my hopes have faded to a distant glimmer I can barely see. You have a chance so make the best of it however you have to. You're worth a lot of effort so give yourself that effort. Don't let others drag you down. Those who care about you will be there in your future; those who don't will let go of you instead. Let them go in return.

Be selfish where you need to be, like with your job. It's a necessary evil in this world but you don't have to take it home with you- especially the bad parts. You just have to put up with that BS for your own good, not anyone else's. Learn to let go of the things which are holding you back, to hold on to the things which keep you alive, and to reach for the things which will carry you to where you want to go. Above all be patient because good things rarely happen quickly- but they're worth waiting on and working for. Don't stop now when the goal is so close- you can make it but it will still take some effort. We're here cheering you on; we have faith in you so have some in yourself to

Good luck dear heart, and hang in there for me so that we can compare notes when I'm doing better, OK?

Bettypooh

[Guest Baby Rina]

Thanks bettypooh, your posts always mean so much to me.