Typical, Really

[malus_infantia]

It's nothing new, just more of the same really. That same creeping tension along the shoulders, that same muddle of thoughts in the base of the skull...the sense that every word that comes to the fore is just struggling through the mire to catch a breath of air before being sucked back down, there to dissipate, stillborn but for that tiny breath.

I feel this way, often enough. And I just trudge through. But it grinds me down, a little more each new day.

But life is about erosion, isn't it? The sum of the story is just the story, and each of us is scrapped at in bits and pieces, eventually to shatter.

I'd go outside, but i've already been there. I'm not inactive...I workout, keep myself as thin as I can muster...and that doesn't help shake this feeling of perpetual, whispering dread.

That is the feeling that I seem most to associate with life, Dread. It just lingers there, when other things distract me, but given that moment to reveal itself, it never hesitates. A slow susurrus that becomes a dull roar, and it haunts me though the day...sleep finds me, and the next day, it is much the same as the day before.

And there's the constant self-loathing, and then the acute anxieties of day to day life...

I know everyone is hurting in some way or another...and there's nothing special here, just another person feeling feelings that millions have felt before...but i'm just so weary, and i thought articulating it, in the right venue, would do me some bit of good. Or at least get some folks to say "yeah, me too."...or i don't know what else...

Just keep breathing, right?

[spoonchicken]

I feel exactly the same way most days

[saybe]

Oh boy, you put into words a situation so close to my own, i feel no hope for the future just the pain of existence. Twice I have been locked up 'for my own good' and been filled with drugs, apparently with my consent! Why am I still alive? It must be down to my partner, a most beautiful man of infinite patience and love who takes care both mentally and physically to try to ensure I do not come to harm. Truth be told I love him far too much to want to hurt him but still get almost overpowering dark urges. I take it one hour, one day, one week at atime.