Oh boy, you put into words a situation so close to my own, i feel no hope for the future just the pain of existence. Twice I have been locked up 'for my own good' and been filled with drugs, apparently with my consent! Why am I still alive? It must be down to my partner, a most beautiful man of infinite patience and love who takes care both mentally and physically to try to ensure I do not come to harm. Truth be told I love him far too much to want to hurt him but still get almost overpowering dark urges. I take it one hour, one day, one week at atime.