Where To Go From Here...?

[dave_the_baby]

This isn't really related to the Fetish, but...

I've been having some family problems none the less. One of my friends was always asking me, "Why are you shutting out your parents? They're family, Dave! They're there for you! Do you know how lucky you are?"

Well, yes...it's true that they're good people and all, but...

Well, the past few years, we've kinda become opposites. And as I tried to repair that relationship, well...this became more and more evident.

See, my mom is a bit...sensitive. Many of the things I enjoy watching- Naruto, Red Vs Blue, Red Dwarf, etc- she can't stand. Naruto has many Hindu references, RvB / Red Dwarf has a lot of sexual jokes, etc.

I've drifted towards a Left-Hand path, and am now Half-Satanist, Half-Hindu- while they're Christian. It's developed a bit of a rift...

I don't remember their Church making me happy. Actually, the teachings killed me more inside than anything.

On the one hand, I hate my family for this, but...

On the other hand, I want them to come more down to my level, to understand ME. They've come to..."accept" my new faith, or at least don't argue with it anymore, but...

...

It's just...this isn't how I want it. I don't want to go down to their level anymore. I want them, for ONCE, to try to come up to MINE.

I'm 18 right now, a senior in High School. Everyone's telling me I need to get my license, get a job, apply for Colleges, blah blah blah...

LIKE I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THAT!!! I WANT TO LIVE!

It wasn't until I was around 17 that I even knew what it meant to be alive. I never even knew what I was missing out on. I didn't know there was anything else.

There's a funny thing about people on the Left-Hand path. They believe in their own self-worth, and their personal power. Atheists, Agnostics, Satanists...

These were the BEST friends I ever had. They didn't rely on prayers to substitute friendship. They were there when I needed them.

One Atheist I know defends his stance like this:

Atheists, on the other hand, believe that we only have one life and strive to make the best of it while helping everyone around them better themselves. They don't act out of want or fear, but out of a single unadulterated desire to do good in this world.

Ironically, he is more moral than any Christian he's EVER met. He works his -ss off for what he wants, he is quite literally persecuted for being Atheist, but all the while, he does what is right, simply because it is right.

He has some good friends, too. Many of these people are also my friends. They're awesome people, and I give them my blessings.

One is actually a true Christian, by the way. Insanely intelligent.

The thing is, I get sympathy from them, but that's the most they can get me. I'm tired of b-tching and complaining like some emo kid, but I don't know what else to do. Due to certain bindings I allowed on myself, it's not like I can commit suicide.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me. At one point, when I was suicidal, my "Brothers" in the Church weren't even there. No, wait. Two of them were. Two of them cared. Everyone else...didn't do shit.

So when I talked about it later, my parents said, "They probably just didn't know what to do."

Okay, I can understand that. But that's not the point. I didn't want ANY justifications. I wanted an apology. A genuine, heartfelt apology, and an attempt to fix the problem. I waited over a year for this, and I didn't get it. I later came back, and tried to fix things. They expected ME to forgive them. No. That fixes nothing.

I will forgive, but only someone who is actually apologizing. This is because I care more about my well-being than some random person's over-inflated ego.

But anyway...enough ranting. I've got some things I need to do. Later.