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[tauschung]

I hate talking about my past. I hate even thinking about it.

I've been out of town for two weeks because of work. When I came home, my fiancee' was in a bad mood. We talked a lot, and she stated again, how little affect I show. She hates when we are in an argument how, I never fight back, etc. She knows the reason why, but we again talked about it.

I come from a military family. My step-dad was raised as a farmer's son. So, I had a strict upbringing and, if I stepped out of place, I'd get a worse beating. Even if I was right. My mom was raised by the psychotic woman who adopted her. She has emotional abuse down, to a 't.' She can be so degrading, and I'm not sure she even realizes she is doing it.

I moved out the day I turned 18. But, even then I would come over sometimes for dinner (they are my family after all). If I got in a disagreement with my old man he would still get in my face, choke me and punch me (that's assault folks). Meanwhile my mom would yell, because my family is infallible.

The end result of about 19 years of that, is that I do what I'm told. I don't engage people. I let life pass me by. I don't get angry. I don't get sad. And, I never challenge people. I guess, I feel that I'll get punched if I do. I know logically, I won't..but it's hard to overcome training like that.

This hasn't happened in 3 years (and they wonder why I hardly ever come over), but I'm still torn up about it. We both agree that we need to move away, soon. She's almost done with school, but I work for the state..so I'm gonna have issues with that.

She, was abused by her step-mom when she was younger. Mostly verbal. But unlike me, she has learned that she can't take a back seat.

I guess that's what makes us different. She hurts on the outside, while I hurt on the inside. I choose not to think of my past, unless I'm forced too. She uses me, to talk about her feelings (I'm a social worker, lol). While I choose to curl inside myself.

Diapers are a tool. So is my Eeyore. I feel serene when they are with me. Almost blissful. But in a way, I know they keep me from engaging my wounds. I wonder if I will need them (other than at night) when I deal with my past.

Does anyone know what I'm rambling about? Been where I been, and have advice for me?

I know this last bit is out of context..but its time I filled another order. I've used molicares for the last 2 years, and was thinking about Abenas because I hear so much about them. Any other diapers I should try out? Unless I need my diapers to relax, I wear at night because I'm a bedwetter, if that helps.

[xdiapergirlx]

i dont really know what to say as far as advice goes. i've never really been in a situation like that, but for that last bit, you should try secure x plus

this is a depressing post. i hope everything works out for you

[BriGuy]

Yes I know exactly where you are coming from. As a result of a violent family situation I learned to not be confrontational. I learned this because in the past if I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion I was screamed at, disowned, told I was a piece of dog crap, never worth anything yadda yadda. What I am learning now that hurting on the inside only creates for worse situations in the future. I am married and I used to keep things to myself until I couldn't take it then I would act an ass over something stupid. I don't yell or scream because I hate yelling, but I use guilt as a tool to get what I want. That is something that is very difficult for a relationship to endure. I have been forcing myself to bring issues up as they arise and I have found that as uncomfortable as it may be in the beginning the end result is much better.

I don't know if this was of any help, just know I understand because I too have been through a similar situation and I am always willing to listen.

~Brian

[diaperpt]

No, I don't have a similar background, so I don't know how you feel. Not being able to show affect is something I suspect with have a huge impact on your relationships with people as you move on in life. I might suggest some professional counseling. You seem to pretty much recognize not only the problem, but you need to work out ways to get past the emotional beating you seem to have taken in your childhood. Being able to have and express emotion may or may not seem a necessary thing to you, but someone on the other side of a relationship will pretty much expect it!

Good luck in your relationship and in your life!

[tauschung]

xdiapergirlx: Thanks..it will work out. One way or another.

BriGuy: Cool. I really had an introspective day on Sunday..So needless to say I was feeling a little down. But, I won't hesitate to mail you if I need to talk.

diaperpt: It's not that I don't show affect (except when fighting). It's that I distance myself. I really thought that I wasn't doing it with my fiancee'...but I guess I'm wrong. It's something that will take a while to overcome. She has emotional issues too, so we can work on it together ^.^

I realize it is a pretty depressing post I made. I'm not normally like that, just really down on Sunday. I know where I stand in life, and it'll take time to get over. I just really needed to get that off my chest in a community that would understand. Can't exactly post everything on my journal..where my non-kink friends could read it.

[dldad]

Not having come from any such a family, I can't say I know where you are coming from. I would agree that since your parents think there is nothing wrong with them, and they surely won't seek counselling, a move would probably be in you best interest. I would think a counsellor with you and your fiancee might help you too. I do know that held in feelings are hardest to express, and resolve. It will surely take some effort on your fiancees part to understand where you are coming from, seeing how difficult it is for you to express yourself. I would think that any expression by yourself to her would help to alleviate some tension. Does she know about your family history? That could help. I would think that with your wearing diapers to bed due to bed wetting shows some understanding on her part and compassion if she isn't bugging you to discontinue, assuming that she knows. There is so much to consider, as you know as with your occupation. Does the state offer any assistance for employees? I can hope you are able to work out your differences between you and your fiancee. The family issue will be much harder. Good luck. Keep a stiff upper lip.

[tauschung]

Yes, she knows about my family. Theres a lot of negative energy at my parent's house. When we go there, we are always drained emotionally. Her family is the same way too.

As for my bedwetting, she'd rather have a dry bed than not (laundry is a bitch, and so is waking up at 2am). And, when I wear during the day, she tries to understand.

Also, the state does offer assistance for employees. Free too! Though, my fiancee' and I are fine. I don't think we need relationship counseling. Its more or less dealing with our pasts.

There is a right way and a wrong way to punish a child. And, I wish I could show them. Never ever punish a child while you are angry. That is just asking for trouble.

I think I'm going to buy a sample pack of the Secure Xs'..they look nice. I'll also try out Abena's (even though I think I remember they are too big).

[care_a_lot]

To tell the truth my family situation with a violent father and an abusive stepmother has caused me to just have nothing to do with that side of the family whatsoever. Yes I do miss them but I realise that they don't realise that they did anything wrong with me. They think that its ok to treat me that way and I just simply won't stand for it. I think that moving on with your girl would be the best move but the holding everything inside yourself isn't good. I'm not suggesting that you should talk whenever you automatically withdraw but more that maybe you should get into some kind of sport. Walking, running, ride a bike, go swimming...whatever works for you. Take your frustrations out there as well as wearing diapers and eeyore because you can't always do that particularly when your working but you can go for a walk for a bit. I'm at the moment studying a professional councelling course and realise that would be something I'd need to do in a stressful environment like I can imagine being in social welfare would be. Good luck with the future and don't let your parents knock you down. Now you live out of the house just leave their home when things start getting agressive before they lose control. Come back a few weeks later and state to them that you will only come if they can stop treating you that way. Maybe they will reject you like my family did, but I am happier knowing that they can't hurt me anymore and I did what was best for me. I believe that being true to yourself is more important than any one thing in this entire world. That might be a hard reality but coming from a family environment like ours you have to make some steps on prevention or go crazy in the process. Hope everything goes well in the future.

[tauschung]

Good suggestion! I am a very active person. I used to be in martial arts 5 nights a week till my dojo shut down. I run during lunch, and when I get home I have exercises that I do for about half an hour.

I can do that, too. Just leave.

[Mean Mommy]

Craggin-shnarf.

Yes. I say these things to convey my eloquence.

I can kind of understand where you are coming from. My parents are good people and I love them a lot, but they had their flaws. Although my father never hit me, the threat of physical violence was always present. Once I actually pushed it and we nearly had a fist fight on the front porch. I almost pissed myself I was so scared, then in a loud even tone I said (not lowering my fists, mind you) "I don't want to fight you." That brought my dad to his senses, and we stopped.

Because of this, (and a lot of other shit) I have a terrible temper. I've only lost it four or five times in my life, maybe less. (Most of the time I pretend to lose my temper for show - it's more to maintain a degree of power and respect.) When I have I remember that doors suddenly become very malleable.

I dunno. God, this site has more of my secrets than my diary does. Not that I keep a diary. But if I did it totally couldn't compete. And I've got other little fucked up stories, as I'm sure you do.

It sounds as if you're emotionally numb. Perhaps you are in some state of an emotional coma. Perhaps you have been so hurt, so destroyed, that you have banished your feelings to someplace where you can't feel them anymore. If you do this, perhaps you will be stronger than you used to be.

I have never been beaten like you have. But I have had my fair share of trauma. So from one fucked-up person to the next: I may not understand how exactly you suffer, but I'm pretty sure I know how to fix it. And it will be the gayest thing you'll ever read but I promise you it's the truth: You need to be loved. Nothing else will fix suffering like love. You need to feel. Everything else is mind games. To feel is to hurt, but also to grow. It is real and uncontrollable. Which means you will have to open yourself up and allow for the chance to be hurt again. I know that sounds unthinkable, but you must.

And if you do, hopefully you have selected the right person to love and be loved by, and they will help you out of that traumatized shell you currently inhabit.

If you don't love you can't feel.

If you can't feel you can't hurt.

If you can't hurt you can't know

what it is to be happy.

Good luck.

[tauschung]

That is how I see it. I can help my kitten with her problems, as she helps me with mine. Thing is...I don't see myself as distant. I feel like everyone else..I guess I just come across that way.

[I M Soaked]

Tauschung

I can pretty much relate with you on the abusive parent thing. Though My father didn't get physical with me, he did get very verbal at time. His biggest verbal tirade was accusing me of being gay, when I was a teen ager, because I chose not to persue relationships with the opposite gender( i.e. I didn't date as a teen) because I would be too embarassed to bring a girl home to meet dear old dad, Knowing that he would come up with a "So , you're not gay after all" type of comment. Mom, on the othewr hand would clam up and go in the other room when dad started in on me, later she would come to me and apologise for dad's actions, hoping it would smooth over.

This all leads into my relationship with my soon to be ex-wife. She can't quite figure me out, she knows that I wear diapers, but won't eccept them as part of me. She thinks I have issues that she can't resolve or understand so she is divorcing me, rather than eccepting me for who/what I am.

[tauschung]

I know this is OoC, but it is my topic. That's super selfish of her. Granted, I don't know the whole situation..but when you date someone you are supposed to fall in love with the person. Not what the person does for you. No relationship is perfect. If you think so, you are mistaken. We all have our ups and downs. People change. Or more accurately, people grow.

Bottom line. People SUCK.

Diapers don't make you. But, they are a part of you. Why is it so hard to accept that, no matter what she may think they have a special meaning to you?