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YourFNF

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Status Replies posted by YourFNF

  1. The venn diagram of productivity and emotion is not a perfect circle.  You're allowed to be angry and sad for no reason. ?

    (Some gentle words for those who need them!)

  2. You might feel lost, but you are not a lost cause. ?

    (Some words of encouragement for people who need it!)

  3. Not sure if blog post notifies or not, please read, thank you. :)

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      It's okay I was just confused. I'm glad to hear updates about how your doing and I saw your thing on DA/posted a reply there. *hugs* ❤️

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  4. Not sure if blog post notifies or not, please read, thank you. :)

  5. Moving is so stressful.. ;_;

  6. Convention weekend! :D Time to spend way too much money!

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      Have fun wish I could join but I'm broke *pouts* ?

  7. If you think about it long enough, undies are REALLY just very thin pullups. *nod nod* 

  8. Update: Still alive, still paralyzed, still incontinent, still depressed, still angry, still moving, still not up to talking, still appreciative that people care.

  9. I know that I'm probably hurting a lot of you by not responding to your comments and messages, I'm not doing it to be rude and I don't want you to think I don't care or appreciate you, it's just that conversation is really hard for me right now.

    I have news about what's going on with me. I'm moving soon, within the next few days probably. There have been conversations that I was not involved in until the decision was made for me by my aunt and cousin regarding my situation. For a refresher, my situation is that I'm paralyzed, down a leg, depressed, suicidal, I've been hearing and seeing things that shouldn't be real, I don't sleep, I started drinking again after being sober for a little over five years, all the things that make me a treat to be around. Anyway, the decision was made that I would move in with my aunt and she and my cousin would basically tag team taking care of me.

    My suggestion that they both fuck off and let me spiral out of control was soundly rejected. The point was made that I can't properly take care of myself now that I can't work, can't walk, can't control my bodily functions, yeah, on top of everything I'm also incontinent now which is basically just the icing on the cake.

    I spend all my time in her room. Her bed smells like her and one of my pillows smells like the girl I was seeing so I just lay in the bed and hold those pillows and cry. I talk to them and cry. I see them and cry.

    I wasn't conscious in the car before they got us out and I went to the hospital, but I see them in the apartment. Roommate is bent in unnatural ways, she's never right in front of me, always just kind of on the fringe but I know it's her because even though she talks to me and her voice is thick and wet sounding, she's still her. She asks me why I'm trying to live without her, why I spend all my time clinging to the things she left behind and the memories of her when I could be with her just by giving up. She makes giving up sound natural and wonderful but when I have the pills or the razor in my hand I freeze up and just shut down.

    The girl I was seeing doesn't tell me to give up on life, she just mocks me. She's much harder to listen to because her voice comes out of the gash in her throat and there's this flapping, crackling sound every time she talks and it scares me. She tells me that I get to live my ridiculous fantasy life now, being a helpless and pathetic baby trapped in a woman's body. She laughs at me laying on the bed crying when I smell what I've done in my diaper, her laughter is gurgly and awful and no matter what I do I can't block it out.

    TL;DR: I'm apparently in the middle of either a complete mental breakdown or a haunting and neither are great things. I'm well on my way to becoming a horrible parody of the worst ABDL stories I've ever read. I am days away from suffering more humiliation and indignity than I can possibly begin to imagine. I'm still terrible at killing myself. I have a lot of people pulling for me and sending me love and support but none of it is tangible and I hate that. I hate feeling so incredibly grateful that people care about me but remain alone and suffering. 

    *sigh* Anyway, I've whined and moped as much as I care to. I'll try and send out some messages before it gets dark, they tend to show up more at night for whatever reason.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      I want to preface this by saying that I'm not a professional. I can't provide an official diagnosis but I want you to know your not your not "crazy", a lot of people... myself included would probably be doing even worse in your situation. What I can offer is some insight from my own battles with mental health issues and doing a fair amount of psych course work as an undergrad. What you are feeling and experiencing is real and valid. There is a part of you that is trying to communicate. To me this looks a lot like extreme survivors guilt. You feel you didn't deserve to live and it's being expressed through these "constructs" or "personae" for lack of better a better term to be used to work through this guilt and any unfinished business good or bad you may have had with these people who meant everything to you.

      As a scientist I'm skeptical of a supernatural explanation, but honestly if there is any validity to the phenomenon of a haunting it lies in that liminal space where our mind interfaces with the external reality. Whether or not that is literal, as in the case of PK/ESPER. Or an artifact of perception I cannot say and is honestly immaterial to your needs. I would hesitate to encourage someone to engage with a phenomenon like this but given the extreme trauma and the need to resolve unfinished business as it were... Talk to them confront the accusations head on; yell, scream, cry, get what your feeling out there. Say whatever it was you needed to say to these people but never got the chance to. Maybe write it out as a letter. Let your self feel this and grieve. It's not going to magically fix things but it could be a first step towards heeling this injury. I would strongly advise talking to someone professionally about this but I can't make that call for you. All I can do is be a shoulder if you need me...

      *hugs on offer* ❤️

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  10. Why am I still here? Why did I survive? Why can't I give up and let go, to end this pain once and for all? All I want to do is die but I can't do it.

    I think about them and I cry or rage. I think about being stuck in this fucking chair forever and I cry and I rage. I hate everything and want to be alone to die but then I think about how I just want to have someone hold me and take care of me and make everything better.

    There is so much darkness inside me that I feel nothing but the worst emotions. I wish I hadn't survived. 

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      I don't know what to say... I could talk about survivors guilt throw around technical terms but none of that makes a difference in the moment makes the pain any less. All I can say is that I'm here in any way I can be for you and that honestly I'd probably feel the same way if I was in your position.

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  11. Anyone interested in what I'm working on with zero context provided?
     
    - A Normal Cheerleader
    - A Roll of the Dice
    - License to Crawl
    - Suburbs & Schnoodles
    - Under the Bed
  12. LmOlfwe.gif

    Me ATM with my five stories going at once. So majestic...

    Also me:

    giphy.gif

  13. LmOlfwe.gif

    Me ATM with my five stories going at once. So majestic...

    Also me:

    giphy.gif

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      *hugs* I've finished like all of two stories so I feel you

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  14. Just saw the new Pokemon game trailer and UMMMMM your girl is gonna have to get herself a Switch, y'all! Obviously getting a Switch means I'll HAVE to play Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey because I'm a weak willed child woman and don't judge me! :P

    Dat Pokemon game doe...

    38ed07666121cb81e2c7d1875533cc72a1f4eccd

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      What a coincidence I happen to be a 14 year old girl in a 24 years olds body....  ?

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  15. I'm working on a story submission right now and it's legit fucking me up. I was SO excited about the idea and now that I'm writing it I'm actually feeling the crushing depression that this poor girl in the story is dealing with, this shit is palpable and goddamn it hurts. I find myself taking breaks to stop writing and just listen to the music that makes me feel better, and when I go back to writing I'm INSTANTLY fucking sad again.

    Look, I know I write dark and mopey shit, but very rarely does any of that actually effect me, it's part of the process to work out my internal thoughts and worries and it makes me feel better to put it to words. This shit is something else though, this is dwelling on the vile and repugnant shit that people think and feel and buying into the reality that I'm probably not very far from the truth is not okay with me.

    #bummersummer

  16. So, I had a super scary stalkery type situation come up recently, this person knew where I lived and had my personal email and was threatening to expose me to my work and friends. I exposed myself to take away their power over me, and I'm still alive, so there's that.

    I'm not sure where the person was able to get my personal information from, it doesn't really matter, I've done everything in my power to keep myself safe and if they're still planning to do something I'll deal with that too.

  17. So, I had a super scary stalkery type situation come up recently, this person knew where I lived and had my personal email and was threatening to expose me to my work and friends. I exposed myself to take away their power over me, and I'm still alive, so there's that.

    I'm not sure where the person was able to get my personal information from, it doesn't really matter, I've done everything in my power to keep myself safe and if they're still planning to do something I'll deal with that too.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      Sorry I don't always deal with shit in the best way..... I kinda tend to go to anger when I don't know what to do with things I'm feelings and am generally frustrated. That I tend to be very protective of my people... ?

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  18. So, I had a super scary stalkery type situation come up recently, this person knew where I lived and had my personal email and was threatening to expose me to my work and friends. I exposed myself to take away their power over me, and I'm still alive, so there's that.

    I'm not sure where the person was able to get my personal information from, it doesn't really matter, I've done everything in my power to keep myself safe and if they're still planning to do something I'll deal with that too.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      *gloms and holds my net friend*

      If you need ass kicked say the word and I will put the fucker in traction.....

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  19. So let's talk about headspaces.

    Headspaces can be the goal of power dynamic play (D/s, BDSM, CG/l, petplay, etc) - one partner has the power, the other partner has limited or no power.  I've written about this more than a little (and I'm sure I'll write more).  Headspace is that consuming feeling you get when you really give yourself to your role.  Domspace, subspace, littlespace, petspace - whatever your angle, if you're like me you're chasing the headspace.

    Subspace is relatively easy for me to reach with a little help.  A play partner being stern or controlling sends me there really quickly - although I have to say that the person I play with the most lately gives me the most intense trip to subspace I've ever felt before.  When she takes charge, she becomes the singular focus of the entire world and I actually have trouble remembering or perceiving things while I'm there, it's like the whole world vibrates and buzzes.  It's quite amazing.

    Petspace is really, really similar - it's submissive (for me) but animalistic at the same time, it has more of a sexual charge than subspace.  Subspace is all about feeling helpless, controlled, vulnerable, and maybe a little hopeless.  Petspace is about feeling devoted, desired, and entirely subhuman.  I can travel to either of these relatively easily with the right help.

    But Littlespace... that's the hard one.  Littlespace is innocence and playfulness.  Littlespace is the absence of self-consciousness.  Littlespace is losing all of the inhibitions that keep you socially safe and trusting your dominant partner to handle you delicately, lovingly, sweetly.  The sort of treatment (e.g.: punishment) you'd give a bratty sub can shatter littlespace into a million pieces, it's a very fragile thing.

    I hadn't gone to Littlespace in quite some time, maybe almost a year (CAPCon maybe?) - it's an ephemeral thing, it's hard to say precisely.  My trips there tend to be an hour or two at most, I have too much responsibility in my life to shirk it for long, and responsibility is anathema to Littlespace.

    I've had a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression in my life lately.  Everything feels difficult, nothing is simple, nothing is easy.

    I decided that I would try to take a trip to Littlespace on my own, just put on a diaper and a cute outfit, push my adult cares away for a little bit, and go color in a coloring book.  This doesn't usually last long for me.  I have to stop to do something, I have to take care of something or someone, I have to be RESPONSIBLE, even if it's just taking care of my own body.

    I didn't yesterday, thanks to Pudding, Chloe, Sophie, and Ladybug.

    Normally Littlespace doesn't last because I can't sustain it.  I get bored, I feel pressured to fix something or build something or do something or clean something.

    Yesterday, my friends gave me a beautiful gift:  an entire day in Littlespace.

    It started when I asked for breakfast.  Y'see, my Little age is 3.  It's very difficult to maintain that headspace as an adult, it's so fragile, like it's made of spiderwebs.  The faintest touch with put it into a tangled mess.  Just the act of making myself food is enough to pull me out of it.  I started the day off by writing in my diary, getting padded, getting dressed, and deciding:  as soon as I leave my room, I'm Little.

    Normally I have several hours alone in the mornings on the weekend - everyone but me likes to sleep in (I can't, I've tried; it doesn't work).  So I grabbed a coloring book and my box of markers and I sat down to color some flowers.  Pudding joined me after a short while... and I asked her if she'd make me breakfast.

    And she did.

    She reinforced my little place, she brought me a bowl of cereal with a child's spoon shaped like an airplane, she fed me a few bites and then put the TV on cartoons for me.  I didn't have to get up, I didn't have to do anything, I could be completely devoid of responsibility for just a bit longer.  I colored, I asked her childish questions about her favorite colors and the kinds of flowers she liked.  I asked her if I could use her DS and play Pokémon - I haven't played Pokémon since Red/Blue in the 90s, I just never had time.  Too busy, too much responsibility.  I had tried to get into it before, but it felt bad to do it alone... that's a whole 'nother story.

    She said yes, and she spent HOURS looking for her DS, charger, and the Pokémon game, just for me.  I offered to help and she told me to sit and color and make pretty pictures for her while she got everything working.

    Here's the thing - I didn't know it took hours.  I was so deep in Littlespace that time ceased to have meaning.  I purposefully left my phone in my room.  There was no clock to betray me, just coloring books and cartoons.  I didn't clean up my breakfast, I just put the bowl aside and colored.

    She loaned me... or rather Little Kimmy... her DS and Pokémon Heart Gold and I started playing.  But at this point, I was so deep in Littlespace that I wasn't even really me any more.  I played for HOURS, collecting Pokémon and trying for badges.

    I don't name my Pokémon, I never have, not ever.  I always leave their names alone so they change when they evolve, so I always know what to call them when talking to others.

    My team?  A Chikorita named "Chicky", a Geodude named "Rockface", a Caterpie named "Squigglee", a Bellsprout named "Belle♥", a Togepi named "Tamago", and a Pidgey named "Flapflap".  All girls except for the Chikorita.  I don't name Pokémon but apparently Little Kimmy does.  And I remember being SO PLEASED with those names.  I remember being SO PROUD when I got that first badge.

    I've talked about this briefly before:  when you're Little, feelings are bigger.

    Pudding skirted a couple of dangerous patches over the course of the day.  While I was coloring, she asked me a question:

    "What's your favorite day that you've had?" she asked me while she looking for her DS charger.

    "My favorite day ever out of all the days?" my Little self asked in return.

    "Well," she smiled, "your favorite day that you can remember."

    And I thought about all the days I've lived recently and I thought about how none of those could be my favorite, how they're all coated in sadness and stress, even the happy memories came with rough patches to the day, and I started to fall apart.

    "I can't remember a good day," my Little self said with a voice full of heartbreak.  I remember feeling despair welling up inside me, I remember tears burning the backs of my eyes.  I remember my chest tightening and my whole body threatening to cry at once.

    She had me show her my flowers, the ones I had been coloring, she made me talk about the colors I picked and asked me which flower was my favorite.  She pulled me out of a tailspin before I crashed.  She handled me this way all day, coddling me, prompting me, entertaining me, cuddling me, playing with me, asking me questions and telling me how proud she was of me.

    She kept me in the deepest Littlespace I've ever been in - in my entire life - for THIRTEEN HOURS.  Not alone, everyone pitched in.  I said that I was thirsty so Chloe got me a drink.  I wanted to show off my Pokémon so Sophie asked me questions about them and told me how good I was doing.  I wanted to show off my coloring so Ladybug looked and told me what I great job I did.

    I was so deep in Littlespace that parts of it are hard to remember, like it was all lived by someone else.  I couldn't sleep that night (even though I got sent to bed before midnight... Pudding let me take the DS to bed and I pretended to be asleep when she checked on me at midnight) and finally, at like 3 in the morning, it occurred to me why.

    My body shuts down at midnight every day lately, I just "power down".  I get super sleepy, I go to bed, and I pass out.  It's one of the reasons I snap awake between 8 and 9 each morning no matter what.  But yesterday...

    Yesterday was the first stress-free day that I can remember in my adult life.

    It was amazing, it was magic, and it was the best gift they could have every given me.  There were other emotional pitfalls I almost fell into during the day, but every time I came close Pudding would catch me and steer me back toward a happy place with a silly question or a kiss on the forehead.

    There's a lot about my Little self that I don't know yet.  I've never really gotten a chance to let her loose before, to really BE her for more than an hour at a time.

    Until yesterday.

    Which is now my favorite day that I can remember.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      That is amazing kimmy, I've never gone into headspace like that. For me it's always like roleplaying a character...

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  20. I am home from CAPCon 2018 with a little trophy to show for it - I didn't win, but I got up on that stage in my sloth PJs and I played my ukulele the best I could with my hands shaking badly... and I'm really glad I did it.

    Thank you to all the people (especially chansu ragedashi and Merff!) who said hi to me and made me feel loved and welcomed.  I wandered the con floor in my froggy PJs and just sang and talked to people and it was AMAZING.

    You get this impression from the fiction that we write and how most of us live in isolation that a convention like this might have a darker tone, but honestly and truly it was the single most accepting and loving group experience I've ever been a part of.  There were hundreds of ABDLs just being NICE to each other and playing together.  There were SO MANY gender non-conforming individuals and people just being themselves - and everyone was accepting.  I LOVED every minute of the con and I know 100% I will be back next year.

    I started writing my stories because there wasn't enough love in ABDL fiction at that point in time... I especially wanted to write about gender non-conforming individuals (like Gwen and Melanie, and to a lesser extent Helen), because I don't feel they get enough love.  But nothing prepared me for how much love and acceptance was in that space.  It was simply amazing.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      Wish I had the money. Add that to the list of things to do when I get an actual job.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  21. I am home from CAPCon 2018 with a little trophy to show for it - I didn't win, but I got up on that stage in my sloth PJs and I played my ukulele the best I could with my hands shaking badly... and I'm really glad I did it.

    Thank you to all the people (especially chansu ragedashi and Merff!) who said hi to me and made me feel loved and welcomed.  I wandered the con floor in my froggy PJs and just sang and talked to people and it was AMAZING.

    You get this impression from the fiction that we write and how most of us live in isolation that a convention like this might have a darker tone, but honestly and truly it was the single most accepting and loving group experience I've ever been a part of.  There were hundreds of ABDLs just being NICE to each other and playing together.  There were SO MANY gender non-conforming individuals and people just being themselves - and everyone was accepting.  I LOVED every minute of the con and I know 100% I will be back next year.

    I started writing my stories because there wasn't enough love in ABDL fiction at that point in time... I especially wanted to write about gender non-conforming individuals (like Gwen and Melanie, and to a lesser extent Helen), because I don't feel they get enough love.  But nothing prepared me for how much love and acceptance was in that space.  It was simply amazing.

    1. YourFNF

      YourFNF

      That sounds really cool wish I could have gone

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

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