Lately I have been down, angry and frustrated. I chose to diaper up last night. It brought me some relief but I woke up around 4 this morning and my problems hit me again and couldn't get back to sleep. Earlier this year I was courting this girl I really liked. It didn't go far. She became more distant in the end and then I discovered she was seeing someone when I saw her Facebook status. I was completely crushed but it was just as I expected. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday. She basically brushed me off like a piece of trash. I just wish she had been more transparent with me about her new relationship. It's too much to ask in this world for women to be more transparent with guys in general. She initiated contact a couple times since then but after 4 months I decided to send her a letter which I worked on for a while and sat on it. She responded 2 days later and explained that I did nothing wrong and that she got 'caught up in life' and was in a new relationship. I still don't believe her. I think shes just making excuses. It's unfair that I'm always left second guessing myself when women act like they're into me one minute then disappear the next. They know nothing about my fetish and if they did I would have nothing to complain about as sad as it sounds. After we talked I told her she always had a friend in me. She said the same. I'm skeptical now because she may have said all these things because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. It's always better to come out and be straight up. It hurts even more when they pretend. I'm going to find out sooner or later when they start gossiping and it gets back to me. I other posts I have identified as a diaper lover but I do have some AB tendencies. I recently bought a pacifier on eBay and want to get a onesie. I need to keep myself occupied somehow. My motorcycle is off the road for the winter, and I'm spending another Christmas single. While the diapers are soothing, at the end of the day I will still be alone. I work 2 jobs and I'm busy all the time. I have a good family and good friends but I have personal needs that need to be met. Maybe what I'm dealing with is a blessing in disguise. Had things worked with this girl I would have never told her about my fetish. I would have too much to lose. Being single and living alone affords me to enjoy this fetish in secrecy. It would be a real bonus if I met someone who was into this as well. I would just like to be held, comforted and loved. Strange. I'm a guy but I like to be held too. I'm not clingy when I'm with women ironically. If I wish to be held then there is a time and place for that. I would be sure her needs are well looked after. Thank you for hearing me out. I feel better writing this.