babymaggie

Friday was a rough day for me emotional and mentally. However, after an emergency session with my therapist and telling my husband/daddy what I had remembered from my past, I did feel better. It helps that my therapists who knows about my littles, as inner children suggested that I watch Frozen 2 which I watch every Saturday, so wanted me to watch it before bed so that I would have an innocent image in my head instead of the horrible image from my nightmare memory. While she does not know the truth about diapers, I trust her and I know that she does not judge me for my little sides. She understands them. So I watched Frozen 2 and was able to get some sleep last night so her suggestion worked.

I did it!!! I will be graduating with my Masters in Early Childhood Education with a 4.0. Now I gave up my goal of keeping a 4.0 last summer when people who had my best interest said that I was putting to much pressure on myself. That was true given all I was going through last summer and even now. 

Now I can allow the little sides more freedom, not that they don't already have freedom to be out whenever they want. As a treat Maggie can get the SIsu dragon from Raya and the Last Dragon, she is obsessed with the dragon.

I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole. It really sucks when you come to the realization that you never got to experience the innocence of childhood because someone took it from you. My little selves are making more sense to me but in reality I want me innocent childhood back.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We finally get to go on a trip. It is unofficially for my birthday but it is also a business trip to Hawaii. I am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yet my anxiety is up only because of COVID. While I am vaccinated there is still risk. It hate this new normal but I am going to love our trip!!!!!!!!!!

Alice in Wonderland, "Curiouser and Curiouser: If I had a world of my own everything would be nonsense nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't." I need my own world like this right now

Back to school but at least with graduate school and work I will be busy.

Bangs head on wall. Uggggggggggggggggggggg this capstone paper is going to drive me crazy!!!!!!

Busy, busy, busy. Yesterday I had a great birthday even though I worked. I am deep in the heart of my big scary capstone paper but so close to the end of graduate school. I also started an Early Childhood Trauma Informed Care Certificate program that will go through September. Apparently, I love school now, too bad I didn't as a child. We are three sleeps away from our Hawaii trip and I am excited. I just hope that flashback memories can give me a break and let me have a peaceful, fun vacation.

Daddy has a business trip for two days this week, I have a dreaded doctors appointment on Halloween no less, and super stressed over school right now so this week is going to kind of suck.

Daddy is back home and the Dreaded doctors appointment went well.  The rest of Halloween went well, school work followed by watching Hocus Pocus!

Ending the day with Disney + Noelle. At least it made me happier since my car decided to go haywire. Should be doing schoolwork but I guess I will now have all day tomorrow to do that since my car is being serviced.  What sucks is I have to miss my training for work which would have been have.  What part of ooeey gooey does not sound fun.

Good thing I wear diapers. I recently purchased a mini trampoline to try and help with high anxiety instead of self-destructive behaviors, advised by therapist to try other ways to relieve anxiety like I haven't already but will try something new. The funny thing is though, every time i bounce I pee not a bad thing as long as I have a diaper on. 

Happy Thanksgiving. We get to have Thanksgiving snow, which is strange because we live where it rarely if ever snows.

I am not one who would ever decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving. However, 2020 has pushed me to my limits. I have both Christmas decorations and Thanksgiving decorations up at the same time this year, which I kind of like. I need to surround myself in happiness right now. I am tired of anxiety attacks this year. Memories won't leave me alone. Thankfully my husband/daddy has been great. 

I get to stay at home with daddy for awhile. 2020 has been very strange so far with far too many changes and not great things including two lockdowns at the school I work at for presumed shots(I know the sound well, they were gun shots) within a week week time period. My upside to the crazy is that daddy's work trips are cancelled so I do not have to be alone at home.

I graduate from my intensive outpatient group therapy program today. I am happy and scared at the same time which is just stupid since I never wanted to be in the program to begin with. I can do this. I am strong, I am a fighter. I have amazing support.

I HATE 2020.

I hate being sick!

I hate fake people, the world is full of them.  Thankfully I have my wonderful daddy/husband and don't need anyone else.

I have to write an anger letter for therapy this week. This should be interesting since there are so many people that the letter will encompass. This is going to be so hard and I thought telling my therapist about my three littles was hard. Things will get better I hope.

I love Hawaii. Tomorrow we get to go to Northshore and get the yummy shave ice with vanilla ice cream and adzuki beans, then go to the beach. Oh I got to do lots of shopping at Box Lunch, Hot Topic, Barnes and Noble, and Little Maggie got a few toys from the Disney Store. Daddy is going scuba diving on Thursday, hopefully I can go on the boat. 

I think I am in shock. My doctors appointment today was the best ever. I so was not expecting the good news that I received. I was expecting the pressures to stay the same or go up not down. Super good day.

If there ever was a time I really needed the comfort of diapers and my little sides it is now. Today was an incredibly hard emotionally and mentally day. I don't think I could have done today with the therapist if I did not have the support of my husband/daddy. The next step is going to be even harder but I have support and love and that is what matters. 

Is it March 5th yet. I really miss my daddy/husband.

Lately I feel that I want to just retreat into my little selves and stay there. Of course I can't because I have to many adult responsibilities such as my capstone paper, work, my new course that I am starting in June for trauma-informed care. I just wish I could just close that Pandora's box that was opened last year.