Some of you had maybe read my post from a week or so ago. But since having a friend who I could openly share this with, this part of me has become an extremely sad a lonely place to be. I really don't like spreading any sort of negativity in my life, as I am not a fan of people who do it or doing it myself. I really want to live in a positive world, but after being able to share it with her and now it's gone, I really want to explore this part of me more. But it would seem that life doesn't seem to want to give me that chance. I don't know what I am suppose to do, because this use to be a great stress and anxiety reliever for me, but now it just reminds me of her and how much I miss her. Do I just try give it up? Or is there really hope to find a partner in the future to share this with?  Dating is hard enough without having to mix diapers into it at some point, as you really never know if the person your with will even like this or reject it completely. And I am getting to the point in my life now, where I just want to be accepted for who I am, and that means every part of me that comes with it. Either way, I am so dam lost about this all right now. All I want is my friend back, and that is looking more and more unlikely. Also my efforts to spread out and find someone seem to be hitting a brick wall. I feel like I am beyond help, but if any of you can shed some light or knowledge on me, then go for it, because I feel I have nothing to lose anymore from this life right now.

The next morning, Samantha, Rei's mother, rose from her bed and headed to the shower for a quick rinse. The previous night had been sweltering, and the cool water against her skin was just what she needed to fully awaken. Following her shower, she descended the stairs to prepare everything necessary for her daughter's breakfast: she mixed the waffle batter, set the table, and readied the highchair. Returning upstairs, she entered her daughter's room and quietly approached the crib where the little one was peacefully sleeping. Samantha gently stroked her daughter's cheek, and as she saw the child beginning to stir, she greeted her with a warm, "Good morning, my little bunny-girl!" With great affection, she lifted her up, planting a tender kiss on her cheek.

I'm not really incontinent, so I can't say what impact that has on the mind. But with the help of a stent, I know what it's like to lose control of my bladder and be dependent on diapers. I tested myself many times by wearing the stent for many weeks at a time to find out whether or not I wanted to become permanently incontinent and opt for surgery as discussed elsewhere on this forum. And the weird thing is that as much as I enjoy incontinence and diaper dependence when I first start doing it, I always seem to reach some sort of breaking point where I suddenly lose all excitement about it and decide to pull the stent out. Now I know there is a difference between a sexual desire and a BIID, in which case I would consider my fetish to be in the former category, BUT even with this in mind I have too often believed that I had a BIID . That's how much I thought I wanted the incontinence to be permanent. And time and time again that turned out not to be the case. So again, for anyone who thinks they may have BIID, I would highly recommend living with stent-induced incontinence for at least six months, maybe even a year. If you still enjoy the incontinence afterwards, or at least experience it as a desired physical state, then I think it's safe to say that you are ready to have your body made permanently incontinent. If you make yourself incontinent, you severely limit your freedom. I like to compare it to people who play bondage for sexual pleasure. It's fun for a while, but I'd say none of them would enjoy being handcuffed for the rest of their lives. I think the comparison is fair and should be carefully considered before taking drastic measures such as incontinence surgery. What about (intimate) relationships, having and raising children, times of scarcity of medical resources, times when you have to be strong, times when you have to be a role model or a leader? In my opinion, it is almost impossible to rule out that one or more of these issues will play a role in your (future) life. This is how I think someone with IC will view incontinence desires, unless perhaps he or she has become IC themselves from a BIID situation.

Spiders

Saturday morning and as usual I wet during the night in my Crinklz Astronaut diaper and messed 5 minutes after I got up. I was in the living room checking emails on my phone and simply relaxed and enjoyed the warm squishy poopie filling the back of my diaper. Now that I am sitting here, the warm squishy feeling inside my diaper is sooo very comforting on both an emotional and physical level. I'm getting up to get coffee...the walk to the kitchen and back feeling my potty caressing my perineum was wonderful. Now that I am sitting back down with hot coffee and a warm messy diaper it is a great way to start the day.