DiaperedJoe

Well, here's an update. I'm pretty used to my current situation, which is wearing a pullup during the day and trying to make it to the toilet to sit and pee when I feel the need. I've built up some more control and bladder capacity over the last month or so. I've only had three accidents in the last month. When you exclude me being in a situation where I knew I wouldn't be able to keep holding it and just let go and used my pullup, only one true accident. I got really excited watching the Super Bowl and in my excitement I lost control and found myself wetting myself. Well, as I tell myself, that's why I wear pullups during the day, because I'm not entirely potty trained. I figure I have the bladder control of a preschooler at this point: mostly potty trained, some accidents may happen and it's probably best to keep wearing pullups "just in case". I'm still a bedwetter, but remaining a bedwetter was one of my goals. I actually had a mostly dry night once, I woke up in the night needing to pee! That was the first time in over two years that happened. I chided myself, reminding myself that I'm a bedwetter that wears diapers to bed, and relaxed and peed my diaper as I drifted off to sleep. That only happened once. Every other night I've woken up as I should: with a wet diaper, an empty bladder, and a dry bed, having slept quite literally like a baby. Seriously bedwetter training is great for being able to get a great night sleep, I've never slept so soundly as when I learned to wet the bed and not be awakened by needing to pee at night. I guess building my continence back up was getting my body to start to hold it at night too, until I started to reenforce to myself that it's okay to let go and not hold it and not even try if I'm asleep. For all I know, training myself for bedwetting but daytime bladder control may be slowing down my potty training. I've got grownup underwear I can switch to when I get more daytime control, but I'm in no rush to leave my daytime pullups behind. To be honest, I rather like the convenience of my situation: I'm not so diaper dependent that I need regular changes during the daytime and all the inconvenience that brings, but at the same time I'm always padded and I never have to deal with the discomfort of really needing to potty and just plain not being able to find a toilet or make it to one in time. Honestly, I'm so comfortable like this I sometimes wonder if I should just give up on further potty training and accept my childlike bladder and weak training, but part of me would like to be able to wear grownup underwear sometimes so I keep training. . .but I'll probably always stay so accustomed to wetting that I'll always just be able to easily relax and let go in a diaper.

I was a DL before there even was an internet. I can remember vaguely wanting to go back to diapers as a kid. My parents told me I fought being potty trained very hard, and that I made it clear I wanted to be in diapers. I never really stopped. In that sense, I was physically potty trained, but on a mental/emotional level I never really was. . .deep down NEVER stopped wanting to be in diapers, all the way back to childhood. I remember seeing the first ads for pullups on TV in the mid 90's, before I ever got on the internet, and feeling profound envy that they now made diapers for bigger kids, and wished I could wear them. I remember my grandmother having to wear diapers in her old age, and seeing the big boxes of disposable diapers in her bathroom and desperately wishing I could wear diapers too. By the time I got on the internet when I went off to college, I was already a DL, I just didn't know the term.

Way too many companies nowadays use that as a general-purpose excuse for poor service or incompetence. They started using it coming out of the pandemic as things were re-starting in the economy. . .and it's become a convenient catch-all. I get less and less accepting of that excuse every time I hear it.

Well, here's an update. I've been back to work for a week and a half now. The good news is that it looks like nobody can tell I'm diapered at work. No funny looks, no comments, no chance anyone has seen anything. The fact my job has me sitting in a desk in my own office for about 90% of the workday helps. I've been pretty good about making it to the potty on time. I've been pretty good overall about being able to get to the men's room when I need it. However, in the last week, I've had two accidents. Times where if I wasn't padded my pants would be soaked. It's a humbling reminder that I'm not entirely potty trained, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have full control again. The first was on Monday. I had a meeting at work. Fortunately, my job conducts just about all their meetings now by videoconference. . .we sit in our own offices and talk via Zoom. However, a two hour long meeting ran headlong into "I need to go" and my toddler-like bladder control. I felt it coming, I felt it building, I felt the urgency as the videoconference went along. I felt miserable, so I stopped fighting it and just let go and flooded my pullup. It protected me and my pants stayed dry as I wet myself. I was really embarrassed, but reminded myself that nobody can see, nobody knows, and that once this meeting is over I can change into a clean diaper. When the meeting was over I made use of the handicapped stall in the men's room to slip on a new pullup and put my old diaper in a plastic bag and put it in the trash can (I keep changing supplies like that in a briefcase). Nobody, to the best of my knowledge, saw anything. The other was this afternoon. This wasn't at work, this was on the commute home. There was a wreck on the interstate and a traffic jam. What is normally a 20 minute drive home became almost an hour. The urge hit me again in traffic. I knew I wasn't going anywhere, I knew how this was going to end, so I didn't fight it and I just wet my diaper. It held up well, and I changed into a clean one when I got home. Those incidents have convinced me I definitely need to stay padded for the indefinite future. I may have much of my potty training back. . .but I'm definitely "accident prone" and basically have the level of bladder control of a toddler at this point.

Well, I have an update, or three. Three little stories to tell. First, on New Year's Eve, I decided to call one of my old friends. She was one of the ones who saw me wet myself at the party earlier and had suggested I should "wear protection". I told her that I do have "protection", but I was nervous to wear it in public because I was afraid it would show under my pants, so I asked her to come over while I tried on different pants over different things, to see if I needed to be aware of anything. So, she came over, and I tried on every pair of pants I owned over both my daytime pullups (Northshore GoSupreme's) and my overnight diapers (Abena M4's or MegaMax's). Some of the slimmer pants I have were a little noticeable under the thicker diapers, so I should be careful with those, but the pullups were fine under everything, and I have plenty of pants that can hide the thicker diapers. Also, she saw I was rather embarrassed about the whole thing (it did take a lot of courage to essentially call up one of my best friends and ask her for help concealing my diapers) and gave what was quite honestly a pretty inspiring speech about diapers. Trying to remember it, when "So you wear diapers, so what? Do you have any idea how many people out there every day wear diapers? My mother's been wearing diapers for a decade because of her bladder problems. I wore them my entire third trimester because it was the only way to not have to camp out by the bathroom when you've got kids playing bongo drum on your bladder. I've got a nephew who is autistic and didn't get out of diapers until he was 13. Both of my kids had to wear diapers to bed every night for bedwetting until they were around 10, and I'd rather throw away a wet diaper than wash wet sheets. You probably deal with people every day who wear diapers. Don't be ashamed of it. If I needed them, I'd wear them without a problem." It made me feel better. In the second story, one big reason, besides work, I was hoping to get my potty training back was to be able to hang out with my friends in our occasional social activities once the pandemic was over. Well, they know I have bladder problems now, since I just wet my pants in front of them a little over a week ago. However, I still wanted to be as discrete as possible, hence asking one friend for advice and help on concealing them under my clothes. So, on New Year's Day, my friends (and me) went to the theater. We saw the new Avatar movie. I was fully padded, figuring it's nice to not have to get up from the seat to go to the bathroom during a movie, especially with those giant-size theater drinks. So, with some loose pants on and a Megamax underneath, I enjoyed the movie, and didn't fight it when the urge hit. It probably wasn't the best for my attempts at re-potty-training, but I really didn't care if I wet myself there. I soaked my diaper, which of course held without a problem, and enjoyed the movie. Either nobody could tell, or nobody said anything. I wouldn't really expect my friends to say anything even if they could tell, to be honest. In any case, movie theater toilets are for losers, being padded is the ONLY way to enjoy a movie! Now the third story. The big one. My return to work. On Monday I went back to my office for the first time in almost three years. I hooked my computer back up at my desk, dusted in the office slightly, threw out a lot of stale or moldy stuff in my office fridge, and basically spent most of the day just getting back into the grind there. I didn't have any major accidents in my pullup (one reason I go with the big ones from Northshore is they can easily handle a full on flooding accident with really no chance of leakage, and still have some room). I did have a couple moments where I was just starting to pee and caught myself, so I went to the restroom down the hall and took a seat in a stall. So far, so good with regards to a return-to-work and my dubious potty training. Nobody saw anything, nobody said anything.

Yeah, I'm sure alcohol made it worse. I've decided to not give up on potty training, I'm just recognizing I may be accident prone for quite a while and it may be a long time before I have "normal" adult daytime control again. However, I'm giving up on adult underwear for now. I'm wearing pullups full-time now (and regular diapers for my overnight needs). I'm still trying to make it to the potty on time, but if I have an accident, I'm still in a diaper so there's nothing to be too worried about. Yeah, my friends are great people. A pretty understanding, generally great circle of friends. At least if they notice me wearing diapers, they'll know why, and they all seem to accept that I need them. That was part of my anxiety about all this, both potty training for work and social needs.

An update. I was apparently a little overconfident in how well my re-training was going. I had an accident. In public. Well, it was at a party with my friends, but that's public enough. I've got a social circle of friends I hang out with, and we've hung out together since college. Even though we've somewhat gone our own ways, we still used to always get together a few times a year for parties and holidays. That stopped when the COVID pandemic began. A Christmas Party for our group was the first time we've got together since COVID happened. So, on the 26th, about a dozen of us that have known each other since we were in college (late 90's/early-mid 2000's timeframe) got together at the home of one in our group and had a party. I went in grown-up underwear. No padding whatsoever. I was feeling confident. I had a few drinks (alcoholic) and was relaxed and happy. I'll spare the details, but I found myself having a bona-fide pants wetting accident in front of a group of friends I've known for over 20 years. I darted for the bathroom when I realized what was happening and that I couldn't stop it, but my pants were completely soaked. I was absolutely mortified, probably the most embarrassed and humiliated I've ever been in my life. I eventually HAD to tell someone, and eventually it got out to the whole group. They were very supportive. I told them that I'd been having bladder problems for a couple of years, since around the time I had COVID. I passed it off as a "long COVID" symptom and they accepted it, and were sympathetic. A few even asked/suggested if I wear "protection" in case that happens. I admitted that I had bought some, but I was embarrassed to wear them around my friends. They said they didn't care. I got a ride back to my house (since I was pretty drunk) to change pants (and put on a pull-up underneath), and get back to the party. The rest of the night went pretty well. So, socially my friends think of me as incontinent now and know I wear diapers. I guess that's one pressure off my mind. My potty training was nowhere near as good as I thought it was. I've got serious second thoughts about trying to go to work in grown-up underwear (thinking "what if this happens at work?"), and am seriously thinking of just giving up on potty training altogether and wearing a pullup during the daytime from now on and accepting I have no control over my #1 anymore and never really will. The thought of wearing grown-up underwear almost makes me panic now, I am just so anxious about it, while being in a pullup feels safe and makes me know that if I have an accident I'm okay. . .so don't worry. So, I'm back to wearing pullups in the day now (and of course my nighttime diapers), and debating on whether or not to keep up trying to potty train or not.

Here's how it's going. I am mostly potty trained for daytime control now. Mostly. It took a couple of weeks of accidents and embarrassing moments, but I generally have enough control now that I haven't had an actual daytime pants-wetting accident in a week and a half now. I'm pretty sure my control is weaker than it originally was, but it seems fine enough for a desk job where I sit in my office, and can walk to a bathroom right down the hall if I really need to. I've tried to get out and about more too, instead of being such a shut in. Yeah, cloth training pants are a royal pain if you're wet and out and about. I have enough control that I don't think I need the cloth now, since the whole point of those was to help me notice when I was wetting, which I can do again now. I'll definitely have disposable pull up diapers on hand for daytime wear, especially if I expect to be away from my office or on a long drive or anything where I couldn't just stop everything to go to a toilet on short notice. My Christmas Present to myself is buying myself normal adult underwear like any other grown-up person, that I can wear. I'm going to try to switch to completely regular underwear at Christmas and see if I have any accidents in that week between Christmas and the New Year and before I'm due back in the office on January 2nd. I'll probably keep some pullups stashed in my car, and maybe a couple discretely stored some place in my office just-in-case. . . .nighttime control is still gone, but I'm happy with that. Still in big disposables for nighttime wear, and I'm content with being a permanent bedwetter and have made zero attempt to regain that control. I've slept so much better since bedwetter training that I'd never undo it. I sleep, both literally and metaphorically "like a baby" now and want to keep it that way.

Exactly. While ABDL diapers are designed for bulk and absorbency, even then under most clothes they aren't detectable. Common commercial diapers are designed largely for stealth. You're probably around people every day who are diapered, and never realize it. It would take an extraordinary lack of caution and discretion to be outed as wearing a diaper in typical everyday life in the modern day.

I think the writing staff of the 1980's sitcom Night Court were aware of ABDL's, given a couple of passing references on the show. The episode "New Year's Leave" that aired on December 18, 1986 had a subplot about a man who legally changed his name to "1987" and was wearing only a cloth diaper, trying to be the embodiment of "Baby 1987", and he was insistent on being at Times Square for the New Year celebration, but he was in custody at the courthouse on New Year's Eve. So, he escaped. A character, searching for the fugitive, came up to him and asked: "Dan, where would you be if you were wearing a diaper?" (Dan Fielding being a kinky, lustful sex-maniac character) His reply: "At home, entertaining a few very close friends." Cue the laugh track and a confused look by the character that asked the question. An earlier episode also had a similar reference. The episode "Halloween, Too" that aired on October 31, 1985 had the main character, Judge Stone, fall in love with a woman and they had a romance for a few weeks. At one point, they come into the courtroom holding each other, and mention that they just finished a wonderful carriage ride through Central Park. . . .then clarify "It was a baby carriage!" and specify they took turns pushing each other through Central Park in a baby carriage. Dan, again, just smiles and looks at Christine (the prudish, straitlaced public defender) and says "EVERYONE's kinky. . .except you." Again, cue the laugh track. It seems a little on-the-nose for random nonsensical references, so I wonder if the writers knew about ABDL back then and were trying to work in what references they could in 1980's TV.

Thank you. That's what I've decided to do. I'm potty training again, at least for daytime control. I don't care if I am still a bedwetter, but what was fun for being a shut-in during the pandemic is less so for going back to the office and living out in the world as things re-open. I've decided that I'd like to at least be mostly potty trained for daytime control again. I don't care so much if my bladder is weaker than it used to be. I certainly might wear a disposable sometimes during the day in the future (going to the movies, so I don't have to get up and miss anything. . .or a long car trip), but I'd like to have enough potty training to I've gone back to the erotic hypnotist who helped take away my potty training, I had my first session with her last night, with her undoing her suggestions that helped give me diaper dependency and I'm doing more nightly for the next few days. She'd also suggested, in advance, I get a few pairs of cloth pull-ups with plastic pants over them, so that's what I'm wearing today. I've had a couple of accidents so far, and have to stay close to the restroom, but I guess that's part of potty training.

No, actually. It's a public-sector job. I obviously won't give details, but it's an office job with a state-level civil service bureaucracy. I'm well paid due to seniority, and the return to the office was mandated by the State Governor. He'd previously allowed permanent work-from-home, but the legislature was increasingly complaining about it and was likely to force some statutory change to outright ban civil servants from working from home, and forcing everyone to come back. . .but allowing people two days per week of WFH if they wish, and the option to WFH for bad weather, illness in lieu of sick leave etc. was the compromise cooked up to get people back in the offices to appease the legislature, while still preserving as much WFH as possible for employees.

I only use them for #1. I still have bowel control and I didn't untrain myself for that. I hate messing my diapers. In practice, that's the main time I change my diaper is when I have to go #2, as my diapers are absorbent enough that I change before bed, change into a fresh one in the morning after waking up any my morning bowel movement, and if I need to go during the day, it would normally only be once and I change then. I've never got the hang of being able to pull down a taped-on diaper comfortably and reliably, it's why I was considering pullups for work diapers, as a way I could go #2 at work and not have to change. I worked hard to eradicate my daytime control though, potty untraining went so far, then hypnosis to help me completely ignore when I was wetting. I didn't just go for recordings, I hired an erotic hypnotist, and I told her I wanted to have the bladder control of an infant. I told her to give me the bladder control of a newborn child. She asked how permanent I wanted it, I told her I wanted it indefinite, but at least theoretically able for me to be re-trained one day. Several sessions later, I was noticing that my diaper would be soaked and I hadn't remembered wetting it, and that I never seem to notice when I wet anymore. She said I should be able to potty train again if I really want, but it would likely be time consuming and difficult. If I pay attention specifically to when I wet, I can notice it and clench it shut, so that's probably how I'd have to re-potty train. Yeah, I'm using disposables. I've tried cloth. One thing I've noticed is that cloth makes it much easier to notice when I'm wet. If I potty train, it will probably have to be in cloth so I'll help notice when I'm wetting. My job has pretty decent pay, so the cost of disposables isn't a huge issue for me though. Yeah, that is probably a good idea. Probably should order them now to have time to get them delivered and work out any glitches in the process and fit. My job pays well enough that the cost of diapers isn't a HUGE inconvenience. I mean, I'd save money being potty trained, but it wouldn't break me to stay diapered forever. I know retraining is possible, but it won't be easy. I suspect I'll never have close to the control I used to have and I'll probably be "accident prone" for life and might well permanently be a bedwetter. I could accept that. I knew that was a possible outcome when I started this. Basically I'm leaning towards retraining for daytime control, or at least enough control to make it to the toilet near my office, and wearing a pullup for daytime protection against accidents or if I'm too far from a toilet if I'm out and about as the world is reopened (like parties, weddings etc. as you noted), and being more fully padded at home and for bedtime. Incontinence actually is a documented symptom of "Long COVID" in the medical literature already. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8014136/ https://www.topdoctors.co.uk/medical-articles/do-covid-19-and-long-covid-affect-the-bladder-here-s-what-you-should-know https://aeroflowurology.com/blog/how-the-covid-19-pandemic-is-affecting-incontinence My workplace knows I had COVID in late 2020, I had to take a couple of weeks of sick leave due to it. "Long COVID" is the well-documented syndrome of people who have recovered from COVID and are now COVID-negative and non-contagious still having various chronic health problems due to damage to nerves and blood vessels within the body during the COVID infection. Since it's already well documented I was COVID-positive and took a couple of weeks of sick leave, and that incontinence in post-COVID patients is documented and not unknown (it's rare, to be sure, but it's common enough for the articles I posted there to be talking about it), writing off anyone noticing a diaper as incontinence due to "Long COVID" is something I'm thinking of going with. I wouldn't exactly boast about it, but if I get caught somehow, it's a ready explanation.

The first panties I bought? It was just after Christmas 1998, and I'd finally worked up the nerve to go shopping for myself. Well, sort-of. I'd come out as questioning my gender to a couple of friends. A female friend of mine agreed to go shopping with me, so if anyone looked it would look like I was ostensibly shopping for her. That was her Christmas present to me, to help me have the confidence to shop for my first pair of panties and my first bra. So she took me to Victoria's Secret at the mall, we went in, and she followed me around as we looked at things. I bought myself a pair of white satin hi-cut panties with a lace waistband and a little bow in the front, and a matching white satin push-up bra. If anyone was looking too close, they'd probably have realized it was for me since my friend who was with me there was a petite young lady and there was no way she'd have worn the 38C bra I was buying with those panties. . . .and for a while, until I could buy more, I wore those panties and that bra a LOT. I wore them out far too early by having to frequently wash them, but that was a very special pair of panties for me.

US Army National Guard 2009 - 2016