I think that I am probably Transgender

[LGGrace]

Hey guys, I have been visiting this site for the past couple of years but finally decided to join earlier this week mainly to get BabySophia to post more updates on LCW with likes. I go by LG (Little Girl) Grace.

I wanted to post (first post of DD) and get somethings off my chest and get feed back for you all. I welcome any and all honest feedback. The short story is that I pretty sure that I am transgender. I am really a male (as of right now) and Grace is my ABDL alter ego. I do know that the first step is to seek out therapy, which I am working on scheduling an appointment right now. I figured getting my thoughts down and your feedback may be helpful. I'll probably ramble a little bit below, but this is the short version.

The only two secrets in my life that I have never told anyone is being ABDL and possibly trans. These two things, I would like to take to my grave, but the longer I try to suppress these feeling, the harder it gets to deny it. I guess by my ABDL side started like a lot of other ABDLs. I remember as a little kid, I would sometimes put on mult. pairs of underwear and a tee shirt and pretend that I was a baby. I also was a bedwetter growing up. I would not full on wet the bed all the time, but there was rarely a day until I was around 9 that I would not wake up without out at least wet underwear. I still wet the bed until I was 12, but it when from maybe a few times a month to once every few months. I did wet the bed one last time when I was 14. I probably starting have a real desire to wear diapers around the age of 11, but was scare of it, because, my twin brother was also a bed wetter, but worst than me; had been put in goodnites a few times at around 11 and 12 by my dad when he would get frustrated with changing sheets all the time. The first time that I had very strong desire wear and wet a diaper was when I was 13. I would say I was a late bloomer and was really small up until half-way thought highschool. I started highschool at 4'10" and 67lbs and graduated at 6'0" and 125lbs. All through highschool, I would do the towel with safety pins to feel like I was wearing a diaper before or after taking a shower in the bathroom. Also, my first ever wet dream was in late highschool was me as a girl in a short dress, in a wet diaper, sitting on the floor bouncing up in down in it. (Like I said, late bloomer, LOL) It seems like all by ABDL desires are mostly tied to being a girl. It reminds me of this current story on Wattpad, Orphan Petal, where the boy was having dreams about a diaper girl and it turns out that he is the diaper girl of his dreams.

I would say that never really hated my body, but I never did like it either. I went to college and was still growing and stopped growing at 6'1" and 137 lbs. I did finally start buying diapers when I was in college, but they would be XL Goodnites and depends pullups. It was not until later in college that I even found out what ABDL was and that I was not alone on that front, but I would still try to deny it and stop the desire to as best as I could.  Also, during my later college years, I developed a drug problem that later turn into Fentanyl and Cocaine. I did graduate with two degrees (Math and Physics), and went on to start on my masters in math, but dropped out due to my drug problems. I then went to rehab at the age of 25, where I was suppose to talk with someone about problems, resentments, etc.; which I did, but left out two things, being ABDL, and my possible gender issues.

I did get sober and I am still am (over 5 years!), I went back to working on my masters, worked at a grown-up job in construction management as a project manager where I oversaw both the design and construction of projects and bought a house during COVID right before the housing market exploded. It was a four bedroom house, so I would always rent out a room or two to my friends, but anytime that I would have the house to myself for the night, I would usually make a pretty good home made diaper, using cloth like paper towels, SAP(Home Depot Plumbing dept., used for removing toilets LOL), a white trash bag, and yellow duct tape (Rugrats style diaper). I would also wear an oversized white tee shirt with a silk tie tied around by waist to make a make shift dress.  I also starting working out at the gym and did put on some muscle. But unlike most guys, that would like to get bigger arms or pecs, I would like the gains I got in my butt and legs and would try and block out my upper body gains. Even at my heaviest of around 147 lbs, as far as guy standards I was in really good shape.  I did graduate with my masters in 2022, and then got accepted into a PhD program in applied math in the southwest.

I moved from my home state in the southeast last year into a one bedroom apartment near campus. I also finally started to explore these two "dark" secrets that I have. I did stop at one of the only ABDL stores in the southeast (diaper depot in Atl. GA) and got by first mixed case of rearz diapers and I was in love with them. I then spent the whole cross country trip padded.  I now spent most of my time at home padded and sometimes in public under by clothes. For the past 2 months I have been wearing girl goodnites when I am not at home. I am basically 24/7, but I don't wet the goodnites, but it is just nice to have something that is feminine/abdl under by normal clothes.

I would said, that I am not a very masculine looking guy. I have not been working out since moving and unlike most people, I have to work out to gain weight not lose it; so I am back down to around 137 lbs. I also have a pretty feminine and petite figure. (chest 34 1/2", waist 28 1/2" and hips 35 1/2") A feminine face, small head, and you can not tell that I have an adam's apple unless I till my head all the way back and force my neck forward. I have slim arms, narrow shoulders, small hands, long feminine legs, thighs and narrow size 10 feet. I have been growing my hair out a little too. I have soft and thick wavy dark brown hair that goes halfway down to my shoulders. The only thing that is really masculine about me is that I have body hair that I constantly have to shave, the little bit of upper body muscle that I have and that I can grow a really thick beard and fast. I can be clean shaved in the morning and have stubble by dinner time. I have been told by a friend of my a few years ago that I look like a teenage that can grow a really good beard. All and all, I guess most trans girls would kill to have my figure and bone-structure starting out. Just wish I was shorter, like 5'2".

Over the past few months, I have been also ordering clothes online too. Most of my clothes that I ordered are for little me, but I do have a few pair of leggings, shirts and skirts. I also learned the hard-way that just because you are a size four in most clothes, does not mean that a different brand would be the same. One of the pleated skirts I have to really squeeze into. I guess one of the other pluses, is that about half of my little clothes I got off the rack in the kids section. A size 16-18 kids fits me perfectly and since I am tall, all the dresses are like toddler dresses on me. Shout out to WonderNation/WalMart. Definitely can't bent over without exposing my diaper or pull-ups. I would probably get more adult clothes, but don't see the point since I only dress-up at home and I am padded most the time when I am at home too.

I would said the first time that I put on a dress, I was probably the most content that I have been in a long time. Most stories I heard, they would said they were the happiest or elated that they been in a long time, but I think from my experience in recovery, that being content is what we should stride for. I do feel very content and comfortable when I am wearing female clothes at home. It is like a breather for me from the day. Like yesterday, I went on a day hiking trip in the mountains in my normal clothes, besides for a pull-up and when I came back, I took a shower, clean shaved my whole body and face, put on some 3-1 liquid fountain, mascara, style my hair to frame my face in a more feminine manner and put on one of my current favorite dresses on. I also got a case of one of my favorite rearz diapers yesterday in the mail but in the mega version that I have not tried yet. (Barnyards) Side note, they definitely can take all you can throw at them. When I looked in the mirror, I smiled, because if you did not look too closely, I looked just like some of the petite ABDL girls you see online. I remember a few days ago too, when I was getting ready in the morning and was just wearing a goodnite and smiled too, because from below my chest I looked just like an ABDL girl I seen in a goodnite and crop-top online too. I am a grower and not a shower, so goodnites can hide my budge very well. My all time favorite diaper to date has to be the ABU Litte Kings. Between the print and the clothback, it truly is the closest to pampers to me.

I guess another topic I should cover should be my sexuality. I would say that I am definitely attracted to women. I definitely would not say that I have an epic dating history, but have dated women on and off again over the years. I never had what you would consider a long-term relationship, but I think that I did not want to get too close with someone and they find out about my two secrets.  The other reason is that I have a low sex-drive. Masturbation to me is mostly about cleaning out the "pipes" every so often. Most the time a boner is just a nussince to me. The other question I will probably get is if I would date a trans-girl; and the answer is yes. It would be pretty hypocritical to say no and also be transgender. I freaked myself out the first time that I was finding myself attracted to a trans girl (pre-opt), but accepted that I am just attracted to feminine people. There are a few ABDL trans girls that post a bunch of pictures online and I think they are very cute, but also I find myself envious of them.

The biggest and most heartbreaking thing about this whole thing would be my family. I grew up in the rural south on my family's farm with a pretty conservative christian family. Based on what I read in this forum, y'all think I would be disowned off the rip and happy that I am not in the deep south anymore. But I don't think that would be the case entirely. I grew up with two gay uncles on either side of my family and there life partners my whole life. This was well before gay marriage was legal, but I always thought of their partners as family. My grandparents still loved them and them and their partners were at all my family gatherings growing up. I still think that most of the older people of my family think that being Gay, Bi or Lesbian is a choice. Case in point, my mother. My mother is very loving and loves her brother dearly and talks and spends time with my him all the time, but she has told me a few years ago that she still thinks it is a choice to be gay. I also have a few gay step-cousins and a lesbian second cousin (Dad's first cousin).

I have plenty of gay, bi and lesbian friends from back in my home state, but I never had any trans friends. I would meet some trans people in passing, but was never in a social situation to become friends with someone that was trans. One of my best friends and roommates from back home is gay, and my mom was always kind to him.

I do have a very large family with two brothers and five step-slibings. I also have a lot of slibing-in-laws and have 7 nieces and nephews with another on the way. I love my nieces and nephews a lot and love to spoil them at Christmas with presents. I am very close to my oldest niece (just turned eight) and nephew (soon to be six), but I don't think that my brother-in-law would like me being around them if I was trans. The most devastating would be with my bother's daughters. He has a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old. The oldest is the closet thing to loving someone as my own child that I think I could. One of the happiest moments of my life was holder her for the first time when she was only 5 days old. There is a picture of me that my sister-in-law took of me holder her and looking at her smiling ear to ear. Also on that day, they asked me to be her godfather and I happily accept. They told me that they trust me enough to have her future godmother be who ever I marry. I lived two hours away from them, but would visit just about every other weekend just to spend time with her. One of the hardest things about moving across the country was not be able to see her all the time and after this past Christmas, her little sister too who was born shortly after I moved. My brother gave me a lot of crap after I moved, because the day before I left, I spent all morning with her and when I was hugging and kissing here goodbye, I was doing my best not to cry my eyes out, because I would not see her until Christmas and miss her 2nd birthday. One of biggest highlights of my day is when my sister-in-law would text me a bunch of pictures of them every couple weeks.

The thing that scares me the most about this, is when I talked to my brother a few weeks ago. I was just catching up with him and seeing how my nieces were doing, when he said that his 2 1/2 year old told him that she was a boy. He said he told her that she has a vagina and only girls have vaginas. I told him, jokenly, that you have start buying puberty blockers in about 8 years. I felt he was a little freak out about her saying that to him. At 2 1/2, I honestly don't think she is having any gender problems. She just idolizes her dad and papa and wants to be just like them. She also likes to play with some boy toys, along with her dolls too. Her dad use to love playing with baby dolls when he was a toddler and he is definitely a guy. Being a boy and liking girly things or a girl that like boyish things growing up does not mean that you are transgender. That being said, if her favorite uncle shows up as her new aunt, I am sure that he would have a problem with it.

It would definitely be a lot simpler to be gay or bi and come out to my family then be trans.

I do have a friend in recover that his son did come out as transgender. The son was about 14 at the time and went to the hospital because he was having a mental health crisis. I remember him joking to me that we admitted him to the hospital to get better and he leaves with a new boyfriend. It was shortly after that that he came out as a trans girl. My friend told me that he loves his kid no matter what, but it was weird at first to see his son, now daughter, of 14 years wearing dresses. I will probably reach out to him sometime in the near future to get a parent's perspective.

I guess one thing that would scare me too is being associated with some of the attention seeking people of the trans-community. Hopefully, I don't offend anyone, but this is just my honest opinion. I am not going to say her name, but for the longest time I thought she was just trolling trans-women and just women in general. To me it was like if you ask a 10 year old boy to explain what it is like to be a grow women. Another is this trans-girl that was starting HRT was complaining about starting her first period. As much as I would like for that to be possible it is not unless medical science advances enough to allow trans-women to have uterus transplants without dying in the process or the nanites in the diaper dimension are invented here.

To me, being transgender is what you feel on the inside and how you want to express yourself. I like to do things that are typically masculine, like going hunting, fishing, golfing, hiking and camping. But I also know a lot women who like doing those hobbies too. I also like cooking and growing a garden. Growing up on a farm, I was no stranger to hard manual labor and starting working at the age of 5. My dad would let me cut fields with a tractor at the age of 11 by myself and I was driving tractors and other heavy equipment on the highway before I even had my learner permit. I have no problem hopping on any farm or construction equipment and operating it, or parallel parking a 45' trailer.

I think I going to stop rambling for now, but let me what your opinion is.

Thanks,

Grace

[dlsafrica]

That was too long for me right now. I read the first two paragraphs.

In 2014 I said I was trans. My mom and my church came down on me. So I forgot it and just went on being me. But my best friend says I'm trans. She says that guy's just don't say the things I do, or naturally behave the way I do. But I also have medical limitations that make it impossible for me to do anything. Even hormones. There is no research on how it could effect internal bleeding. Except that it decreases muscle mass, which could lead to more joint injuries.

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

There is so much confusion around the term "gender" that it has become a labyrinth to negotionate and the term "Transgender" has undergone a shift in meaning to make it worse. I have studied the matter formally in a class called "Sex Role Sociology"  Even as far back as 1960, on forms, "gender" was used to mean physical sex because the form designers were too uptight to just use "sex", This I remember seeing back then. Even the class material was a bit muddled but from what I could glean, I concluded that sex is physical, gender is psycho-social, or as put by one LG called Taffy Cheerful "Sexis physical: Gender is between the ears". Gender is sex linked, but not sex bound. Most of the LG's that I came across did not have "gender dysphoria". "Transgender" acquired that as part of its meaning with Bruce Jenner identifying as female and a "trans woman" without, to my knowledge, having the full snip and conversion as did Christine Jorgensen. Now, in Y3K I was also a member of the TGGuide which claimed the title of Transgender. and I saw no signs of "gender dysphoria" in that most were quite satisfied with their bodes as were the LG's of GirlTalk To. As a member of both of these in Y2K, I introduced the tiara fancy which had quite a profound effect. At that time, having the formal knowledge I did, I introuduced the concept "2G"; a state of affairs in which one possevess enough of both genders to have complete personalities without being dissociative. I also know about about gender being psycho-social since I attended a lecture by a psychologist whose job was to teach persons preparing to undergo a sex change to function as the opposite gender without being "read" and I assure you that most of gender is behavioral and subject to the laws of behavior. In the older sense of the word yo could be described as "transgendered", or, like me, "bi-gendered": Welcome to the club and enjoy it. As to in the modern usage. That is so mixed up post Jenner, I cannot make heads or tails of it. Unless being what you are creates difficulty that is part of being who you are, and I do not give a damn about what others say about you: You do you, not someone else, I do not see a problem with it

So, stop wondering who you are and make who you are. As I said 55 years ago about persons acting like idiots "trying to find themselves", "You do not 'find yourself' as though your identity is under a rock somewhere, just wating to be picked up whole and installed, you MAKE yourself" So, head on over to the Little Girls' Playhouse and see if what you find there "resonates" with you

[LGGrace]

Hey dlsafrica, no need to read the whole post, the first few paragraphs are the cliff notes. I feel you there on the church. I love going to church with my family when I go back home and they would not be happy. I just had friends and family tell me that they think I'm on the spectrum for autism; not sure if they were totally joking or not. I have had people, even total strangers tell me that there is an innocence about me.

Thanks Christine for the feedback! One of the reasons I love this site is because there is a lot of older members that are comfortable with themselves, who they are, and give good, honest answers.  Thank you for sharing your knowledge on gender withe me too. I'm considered a "soon to be" expert in mathematical physics, but I am a dunce when it comes to social sciences, especially in the last 5 years when it comes to all these new terms.  I will definitely check out Little Girls' Playhouse. I got three new adult baby/toddler dresses with matching bloomers/diaper covers and hair bows today in the mail; so it has been a good evening of playing dress up. I did pre-check-in with a psychiatrist last Friday; I should hopefully have an appointment scheduled for later this week or next week.

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

5 hours ago, LGGrace said:

Hey dlsafrica, no need to read the whole post, the first few paragraphs are the cliff notes. I feel you there on the church. I love going to church with my family when I go back home and they would not be happy. I just had friends and family tell me that they think I'm on the spectrum for autism; not sure if they were totally joking or not. I have had people, even total strangers tell me that there is an innocence about me.

Thanks Christine for the feedback! One of the reasons I love this site is because there is a lot of older members that are comfortable with themselves, who they are, and give good, honest answers.  Thank you for sharing your knowledge on gender withe me too. I'm considered a "soon to be" expert in mathematical physics, but I am a dunce when it comes to social sciences, especially in the last 5 years when it comes to all these new terms.  I will definitely check out Little Girls' Playhouse. I got three new adult baby/toddler dresses with matching bloomers/diaper covers and hair bows today in the mail; so it has been a good evening of playing dress up. I did pre-check-in with a psychiatrist last Friday; I should hopefully have an appointment scheduled for later this week or next week.

I do not see any need for a psychiatrist: too heavy duty. More of a psychologist, who if he or she is worth anything will tell you "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and since you are not dysphoric ("I'm in the wrong body") then there should be no problem and nothing to fix. It is just that your personal gender is wide-ranging, like mine. That has to be managed so that it is not off-putting (remember, it is psycho-social. If there were no sexual dimorphis, or if you were the only person in the world, the category "gender" could not exist). Also, a baby firl does not know she is, or what it means to be a girl, that part of the brain has not developed. Gender sets in during the late 3's to 5 y/o timeframe. So, if you recognize youreslef as a boy or girl, you are probably 4 or older. Otherwise those terms are only workds that others call you. Now, I chose to manifest here as a girl since I could do so here quite efficiently, but I have demonstrated that I could manifest as a boy, you will find some of my posts in the Little Boys' Tree Fort. I was also a member of the TGGuide and GirlTalk To. Given that when I was little, baby things were associated with girls and laides, that is what I am like here. From what I understand, 'Gender" is behavioral and the individual gender-related behaviors are either masculine of feminine. Most persons, unless they are testorsterone or Estrogen poisoned are, maybe unwillingly, a mix. When I was little, if I was told something I liked a lot or found useful, was "for girls" then, for that particular thing, I would thinkd "then I must be a girl" . If I was told it was for boys, then "I must be a boy"; as you can see, I was very self-possessed. Over time, these kinds of events recurred and I became who I am. What you end up with is your personal gender, which is different for most of us since we generally chose different things from each of the two "piles" To get more on me see my blog "The Making of a Little Girl" I am proud of one thing; bringing the tiara fancy to the TGGuide and GirlTalk To. That was spectacular with members "having" to have multiple tiaras almost overnight. I did the same at Wetville (Bytemine's AABDL forum)