The New Foster

[Ishigreensa]

"I'm not saying ten isn't old enough to not worry about herself, but I am saying that 10 years old, kids don't fully get why things are nice or not.  At least not all the time.  I went to school with kids that found any strange reason possible to push a kid out of the group or make them feel unwanted."

Tom frowned.  "I don't know that an ice breaking thing would be a bad idea with Lani.  We do them sometimes when we notice that there are a few new faces at work, and there's a chance that some of them haven't gotten to know at least names.  I'm not talking about a deep dive into who they are, but just, you know, maybe just some funny antics where they learn a few fun facts about one another.  Lani wouldn't have to talk, necessarily.  We could have a game where the girls just point at stuff, like their favorite animals and maybe mimic the animal or point to their favorite color and then show something of theirs that has that color on it.  Just something to maybe help them get used to the idea that there is another child in the house, and that she's a child, not an unexplainable object or animal, you know?"

He could see she was getting a bit annoyed at the way Rebecca wasn't seeming to listen to her.

"I don't know how to fix what has already happened.  But I don't want to teach Rebecca that just because something gets hard, you give up, and I don't want her to think anything can just replace her if she doesn't do something to get rid of it.  Do you?"

He smiled at Charlotte.

"Yes, I am worried about the little one, Lani, but honestly, this is starting to become about Rebecca, too.  She especially needs to learn that no matter what happens in the family, she is still our daughter, and we still love her and will pay attention to her needs, but she needs to also learn that life is about sharing her love around."

He frowned.

"I'll try to talk to Rebecca about how she's feeling later, but maybe instead of telling her directly not to think or feel, maybe you can try to turn that energy around, somehow?  Like, if she says that Lani is behaving strangely, ask her how, and be a little goofy so that she knows that Lani isn't really that strange, and then ask her what she thinks she would be able to do to fix it, and when she realizes it's not so easy to do, then maybe she'll realize it's pointless to think about it.  I know when I was a kid, I didn't like people to just tell me not to do something because even if they thought they explained it, I rarely really got it when they just told me."

He looked at the floor.

"Do they still have variants of the poster... I hear, I forget.  I see, I remember, and I do, and I understand?" 

He wasn't sure if that would make his point but he thought, well, that was wrong too.  He didn't mean to tell Charlotte anything.  They were supposed to figure this out together.  They were a team, and he certainly didn't have all the answers.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "If you think there is no good to come from an ice breaker, then I don't know, maybe I can just try to keep them apart a little more for a few days.  Maybe they just need time to process in their own way without seeing each other so much?  And I could probably alleviate Rebecca's fears about me loving her, if I spend a little time everyday with her to let her know how things are going and maybe when I do, that can give you a little time to start to get Lani to talk a little bit to you.  Maybe lunch time or something, when Lani is eating, you can have lunch with her, and I'll take Rebecca with me, and after an hour or ninety minutes, we can swap back, and that should also get Lani used to you for when I have to go back to work?"

[Shy-Diapers]

“I’ve told her over and over that what she’s doing isn’t nice.” Charlotte said with a sigh. “She may not be able to know on her own but she’s old enough to listen to her parents when we tell her something isn’t nice.”

“We can try an ice breaker if you want.” She said in an exasperated tone. “I don’t think it’ll do them any good. They’ve hardly spent time in the same room together.”

“That all makes sense. I know we’re the best thing to happen to Lani in a long time. I don’t know how to get through to Rebecca.” She shook her head. “I’ve done everything I can to make Rebecca feel special and loved.” She added as she rubbed her temples. “Yet she still seems to just want to focus on Lani and she’s still worrying about not being important.”

“Rebecca makes every conversation about her Tom. I have not told her not to think or feel anything. I’m listening to her feelings. I’m talking to her about her worries. I’m validating her. I’m simply telling her that talking behind someone’s back about how they’re weird and different is not nice and she needs to treat Lani better than that.”

“I think if you spend some extra time with her and maybe try to back me up about Lani to her then it’ll help. She always listens to you more than she does me anyway.” She let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know how Lani will work herself up to me, but at the very least she seems to be content in her room by herself when you need to do something else.”

[Ishigreensa]

"Well, I guess I can try," Tom told her.  "Where is she?"

He walked up the stairs towards her room to talk to her about how she was feeling, and about what they could do to make her feel a little more at peace.

"Rebecca?" he knocked at her door.  "I'd like to come in and talk, honey."

Rebecca frowned but opened the door.  "Am I in trouble, now?"

"Why would you be in trouble, sweetheart?"

"Because... I don't know."

"Well, you aren't listening to your mother, but scolding you sending you to bed wouldn't solve what is going on with you, so no, you're not being corrected.  We just need to get at the heart of what is going on here."

Rebecca looked at the floor.

"Look, we talked about what could happen if you got a little sister, right?  We talked about that she might not warm up to you right away, and that she'd need some time to orientate herself, remember?"

Rebecca nodded.  "But it's been days."

"It takes more than a day to fix some things, baby.  Come here and sit and talk."

Rebecca climbed into his lap.

"You know your mom has tried really hard to show you that you matter."

Rebecca nodded.

"But nothing she does seems to be getting through to you, honey...."

He spent a while in her room talking about what has been happening.