Getting things off my chest and questions.

[prideful]

I am writing a sort of essay that encompasses my life up until this point, mostly to vent and get things off my chest. And to ask for advice. There are going to be three parts. First are my childhood and history with desires. The second is how I got to this point. The third is to ask for advice on how to best become completely and uncontrollably urinary incontinent. I am writing this post mostly to try and get rid of any personal mental blocks. Also, because I have had this brewing inside me for as long as I can remember, I am not brave enough to explain and be honest with my friends or therapist.

  Like so many others, I have ghosted this website since my childhood, and only now do I have the confidence to actually make a post. I have been wearing diapers on and off since I got kicked out of my home as a youth. First off, there is the trauma and struggle I've had as a DL. I have been interested in diapers for as long as I can remember. I remember being like 7 or 8, and me and my cousin would take diapers from family members, hide under the bed, and put them on. The desire never went away. I know I had a difficult infancy, from what I have been told. My mother said that when I was diagnosed with autism as an infant, I would cry and scream nonstop, and it drove her insane. My father was neglectful, and when he was there, he would not treat me well. My mother said that once I was just laughing and playing on the couch and my father would just push me off as a toddler. My family is an old Mormon religious bunch. That is a story for another day; however, it relates to the topic. My fairly well-off grandparents would host giant family reunions at their house. With over 20 people at a time. Most of my cousins were chronic bedwetters, so I was able to steal pull-ups and stuff, but as I grew older, it kind of stopped happening. At some point, I got so desperate that I stole packs of diapers from the store. I even got caught one time and brought to upper management with my mother. The whole ordeal genuinely traumatized me. I was also in foster care for a stint and got caught stealing diapers from my disabled "brother". As well as a couple of other incidents. I always wondered back then why I was such a freak and how I could make it all stop. I obviously didn't try anything for a while after that. The thoughts and desires persisted on and off through my teenage years, but I couldn't really do anything about them. After I came out of the closet and me and my family had a huge fight, I managed to get into a housing assistance program. I had complete independence and lived alone for the first time in my life. It was so liberating. By that point, I had all but forgotten about my desires until I was settled. Then one day, it dawned on me. I was a legal adult and could do whatever the heck I wanted. I then ordered my own supplies and had a kind of binge-purge cycle of wearing them occasionally. I ended up hanging out with the wrong types of friends and got wayyyy into marijuana, and they even got me addicted to nicotine. After growing up a bit, maybe a year or so later, I moved again. This time, however, I had more freedom as I ditched the wrong people and just stayed to myself.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I just kept wearing padding more and more. At one point, if I wasn't wearing a diaper, I would be wearing absorbent period pants. With or without a leakage pad, it just felt better. I don't know when, but at some point I just stopped purging and would periodically just wear diapers more and more. Then I decided I would commit to a modified version of the 12-month program. Double urinary. I stuck with it for a while, then I decided to go on vacation, and I got intimidated and didn't wear it. I packed planning too, but just stuck with the absorbent pants. Then, after I came home, I wore off and on again until I decided to go on another streak of 24/7, only pausing partway through due to a lackluster schedule and laziness. That didn't last long, however, and as of March 20th, 2023, I have been acting like I am completely urinary incontinent.

I do wish to ask questions and go over some things. First, at this point, I am intimidated not to wear any kind of protection as I tend to drip and leak randomly. It isn't like a constant flow; it is more like LBL. I even had a couple bedwetting episodes that I was so excited and proud of. Typically pretty sporadic. That leaves me now. My only problem is that I seem to be a kind of Plato. I am trying to quit smoking, and my bedwetting has all but disappeared. Sometimes I feel like I am clenching "hard," and it is super hard to relax. Like I can't completely empty at all. Other times, it seems perfectly fine or normal. Just a constant flow that I'm only paying half attention to. I do take hormones, and one of them is a type of water pill. I don't know if that does anything. Personally, I feel it made it a bit easier. The only time I use the loo is for #2, and I go at least three times a day to try and weaken my muscles. Anything else is in my pants. I am not intentionally trying to lose fecal control. I am, however, not too concerned about it. I have already had some messy accidents and had to stay in them for a while. Not too often, but it does happen. Basically, I survived, and it wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't awful or the end of the world. more manageable. My biggest question is: how do I release a seized bladder? Also, to keep developing my bedwetting, I was making progress, then it just stopped all at once. I'd wake up having to pee like crazy and having trouble releasing. After I post this, I plan on quitting cigarettes cold turkey and only allowing myself "one" single cigarette a day if withdrawals become too hellish.

That's all I really wanted to get off my chest. I am seriously hoping for and looking forward to any kind comments, reviews, and answers.

[wannawet]

congrats to you for sharing, and for quiting cigs, Hope your wearing moves along again, and your are able to get to the IC level you desire..

 

[ozziebee]

Don't ever be discouraged because progress has been slow, or there's been lack of progress, or it's seemingly reversed.  

I have had a theory that one's continence level tracks along a graph like a sinus wave.  There's the peaks, and troughs to the wave, the periodicity, and the amplitude.  

At first, you'll find very slow progress, then something happens and the graph trends downward.  After a period of time, it'll trend back upwards.  As you remain in a 24/7 state for longer, the overall picture will gradually show a decline, but there will be periods where you reach almost back to 100% continence, and slide back down again.  This explains period of bedwetting, then going back to being dry for long periods.  

At some point, the sine wave wont reach back up to 100% anymore, and you've lost some of that continence.  it may even dip down below the level one would equate with "totally incontinent", but then it'll stubbornly go back up - you find you're dry, and pretty much back at square 1.  But alas, the period of the sine wave gets faster and faster, so you won't stay dry for long.  

Even if you stopped 24/7, and put undies back on, you'll find almost immediate full continence, but you will find that sinus wave has steep sides, and if you go 24/7 again, the curve spirals down again much quicker.

Everyone reacts and experiences things differently, some people tend to trend downwards faster than others.  Who knows why - economic circumstances, the will to do it, the time to do it, the place to do it?  

I've not been known to bedwet as a child (only one time I do remember).  However, I did have bowel issues until well into uni.  I'd been 24/7 for 3 years straight up into the start of COVID, then vascillating between knickers and 24/7 nappies, then onto pullups and 24/7 nappies, and now 24/7 nappies (cloth pretty much totally now). 

One hangup for me back at the start of COVID was I was 100% wetting, and trying hard not to do #2 - it got too painful holding in a #2 till nappy change time, so I got lazy with nappy changes and started wearing knickers.  Then I got sick of that, and substituted my knickers for pullups.  But I kept the desire for incontinence, and wore nappies for longer and longer periods again.  Then I had an epiphany.  I accepted the fact I needed to be bowel IC as well. 

The difference now is that I am totally fine losing bowel control, and am working towards that.  This has helped massively with my mood, and also my urinary continence too.  I have very little warning that I'm about to void whilst in a nappy (but curiously if I am wearing a pullup, I can go HOURS without a void, probably because I'm afraid of leaks from floods into pullups). It absolutely helps mentally knowing that I'm wearing cloth nappies that are large enough for me, and are oh so very comfortable, and 99.99% chance of no leaks.  I'm currently totally ok with very thick cloth nappies, over which I'm wearing fixation netting pants, and over that is plastic pants, and finally onesies.

[prideful]

Thanks Ozzie for that reply. I am seeing exactly what you mean nowdays. To make a little update, I seem to be going through waves. 

I have been able to relax for longer periods of time now almost a month later. I experienced a Plato, but like you said, it feels like a downward trend. I do keep having dry spells every other week but they are getting less frequent in regularity. I have started to notice that I am staying relaxed much longer. Two separate times yesterday and the day before. I noticed my diaper was about to leak and I only recall going like maybe one or 2 times. Also my bedwetting has gradually started to come back. I have marked that this morning and yesterday I have woken up rather soaked. Good progress in my book. 

As for those dry spells, I tend to try and take some time off work,(if I can) to just relax at home, do some self care, also to get myself to release regularly by drinking an excess of fluids and intentionally leaking to help affirm to myself that I don't have any control.