Progression of FI?

[ozziebee]

As some of you know, I've been having fecal accident issues all my life.  When I was young, my mum thought it was laziness, I went to doctors and psychologists, was threatened with being admitted to a special ward at a hospital for observation/tests/etc (not a psych ward), threatened with being put back into nappies (a dr actually suggested this to mum) and going to school in nappies (a big deal back then as these nappies were cloth pinned ones just pre-disposable era).  Eventually my parents sorta gave up, as I went through high school and quietly dealt with the issue, and repercussions of really bad #2 accidents at school.

My FI issues continued into Uni, but had mostly petered out by then, though I was still getting skid marks and the occasional minor accident.  

Thinking back to those days, I often had no warning at all - I'd be going about my day (or asleep), and an urge would suddenly hit, that's so powerful it'd pin me to the spot with pain and urge pushes, and out it all came.  As I grew up, I'd learnt to hold on for long enough that the pain and urges would eventually subside, and I could move.  By late high school and uni, I had time to go to the toilet, or ignore the event, and hope that the next bout of urges and pain and being unable to move would come later.

Yes, I think that I have undiagnosed ASD.

Fast forward, and in recent years I've been having bladder IC issues (stress and urge IC), have been to urologists and had tests et al, and elected to go back into nappies.  As COVID hit, I'd passed 3 years 24x7.

Destructive thoughts, moods, and general depression had me reverting to a 1-change per day habit, which was largely managable through using BetterDry and Rearz InControl Elite nappies with boosters, but I was noticing that my thighs were being absolutely wrecked by being in a nappy constantly, and all it took was a "it'd be better if I just wore knickers", and I stopped wearing. One contributing factor was the painful bowel urges I'd get, and I'd inevitably attempt to delay the inevitable until just before or just on my daily change.  This only led to more pain, and periods of quite bad constipation, with very hard stools.

At the start of our COVID lockdown, we cleaned the garage, and I found the knickers I'd stashed in a bag, which managed to get moved with everything else when I relocated.  

So for the period of COVID lockdowns I'd oscillate between knickers and nappies.  In the last 6 months or so though, I have clearly noticed that my knickers were constantly wet and smelly, and they had skid marks and evidence of accidents.  Whenever I wiped my bottom, it'd come away with a bit of #2, every time.

Over Christmas, I went on a road trip holiday, and had one major #2 blowout with diarrhoea, and a number of other very bad urges where I just knew that if I'd stop and get out of the truck, I'd fill my pants.  

On my return home, with the evidence clear that I really do need to be back in nappies, that's what I did, so I'm back in nappies once more, and with a different mindset to that during COVID.  I vowed that I would not hold back my #2's but let it happen.

Over the past week, I've noticed a bit of a change.  I'm not getting any warnings again, but get an uncomfortable but insistent push.  If I'm sitting down, that push would stop, but as soon as I stand up, out it all comes.  If I'm standing, it just happens.  I have to stop and let it go - there's no way to stop it.  My mind is like "wow, that happened", and I'd doubt I'd have controlled the urge if I had been wearing knickers.  

Alarming, but this change reminds me of when I was little.  

Am I worried?  No, strangely.  

Is this what it's like when one is FI?

[ozziebee]

Oh yes, I definitely get those tummy flip-flops. A few seconds later, the push is inevitable. 

 

Trying to hold/delay the urges until nappy change time was causing pain itself back then during COVID lockdown, which contributed to my decision to use knickers again. But this led to wet knickers and skid marks and increasing accidents. 

 

Thus now, I wholly trust my nappies for everything.  No pain, but lots of resulting mess.