The fallout.

[Little Cub Pants]

Hi guys! Kinda feeling like shit today. It's not that I'm having a bad day per say, but it's just that my mind's been acting up again with various different shit. Unfortunately for me I have one of those minds that are very sensitive, meaning that my brain can't process trauma very well and can become traumatized very easily. Meaning It doesn't take a lot to hurt me. So right now my neurology inside my head is fucked up. It's in fight or flight mode all the time now. So at the moment I hate loud noises, like the door shutting for example or the dogs barking, that one drives me insane!?? And I react with great anger over it. I also can get upset rather easily, and the inner monologue inside my head is always yelling and screaming over the tiniest mundane things. That normally would be just annoying to me and don't really bother me, but because my mind is in the fight or flight mode it really pisses me off.?? And I really hate that because I know that that anger's not me. And it's really frustrating to have to put up with. Thankfully through my years of meditation through the practice of the four foundations of mindfulness, I'm able to not act on the anger inside my head and I have great restraint. So that's helpful, at least somewhat but it's still very hard to put up with. I'm really glad I'm on the wait list for a E.M.D.R therapist because boy oh boy do I need one! How this happened was, at the time my mom had a live-in to help with the basic house stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Little did my mom know at the time that the live-in had borderline personality disorder, or at least that's what my mom thought. The live-in was never officially diagnosed with that, but my mom had a strong feeling about it. Anyway, the live-in's emotions would go up and down very frequently and she was also very dramatic and very sensitive and I mean VERY sensitive, even to the point where you couldn't set boundaries with her and she would take everything the wrong way, and even cry periodically over mundane stuff. It was REALLY annoying. Like, OH GOD, WHAT NOW?!?? It was very stressful. Anyway, one night let's just say I needed help with something and in the middle of that night I had gotten angry with her for reasons I wanna keep to myself. (SORRY GUYS!?) And I started getting on to her and she just went ballistic, started yelling, getting very angry, making a big deal out of nothing, her eyes changed. I mean it was like she was a woman possessed or something. Mind you while she's doing this, I'm exhausted and I just want to go back to bed. It was just so stressful when it didn't need to be. It was very traumatic and I'm very traumatized by it still. I even cried to myself quietly when all of this was done. I couldn't sleep after that, I DIDN'T sleep after that. Afterwards it was like my buddy just froze, don't get me wrong I could move but I was just so filled with anxiety and fear that it was as though I couldn't. So after that night to make matters worse, we we having biscuits and gravy for breakfast. my favorite breakfast! And it was a surprise, I couldn't enjoy it though because of what had happened last night. I mean the rest of the day it was like I couldn't even function. Even though I did because I remember playing video games that day. LOL!?? But my mind was in pretty bad shape still honestly, and I was VERY PISSED about what I had happened last night. By the way I should mention that the night after this happened it was her day off the next day. So I didn't see her much that day, THANK GOD? because if I had that would have made it much worse then it already was. It was hard enough being around her after she got back that day. In my head I just wanted to rage at her for what she did to me last night, but I knew that my mind couldn't take it and would be traumatized YET AGAIN because that's what my mind does.?? So as much as I wanted to range at her, I treated her nicely. And then I never brought it up to her after what had happened that night. So she probably doesn't even think that it was a big deal. She doesn't even know that she hurt me. But honestly I forgive her because she has mental issues. I just HATE what she did to me so much. And I hate having to put up with mentally ill people. I've had enough of that in my family already. I just really HATE that I have to deal with the fallout of what happened to me because someone was screwed up in the head. And now they fucked up me in the head. And it's NOT FAIR that I should have to suffer the consequences of what someone else's issues are that don't involve me.????? And people wonder why the world is so fucked up. Gee, I wonder why?!!!!!!?????? All that aside though, she was a very nice woman and she helped us out quite a lot, so I'm very thankful for that and she loved me. I just REALLY hate the fact that because of her mental issues, I once again have mental issues that I need to take care of and go to therapy for. Ugh!????

[AbabeBill]

Don’t know what I could say, that can make you feel better. Are there words for that? All I can say is, I hope you can get to a place of, feeling better. 

[Little Cub Pants]

2 hours ago, AbabeBill said:

Don’t know what I could say, that can make you feel better. Are there words for that? All I can say is, I hope you can get to a place of, feeling better. 

I hope so too buddy, I hope so too!????? LIFE IS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!??????