Feeling Lonely but nearly never alone

[Jilly Poo]

Most people wouldn't know that I battle depression because I am always trying to make others laugh or smile, but those that are really close to me know that I can go to dark places in my head and have trouble escaping them again.  Oddly enough, wearing diapers and "baby clothes" has helped me deal with it a bit over the years.

I've always appreciated my alone time before because it seemed so rare but as my kids got old enough to go to school and Hubby's work schedule had him coming home at predictable times, I knew I could plan to spend my "Me Time" doing what I wanted or needed to do.

Then a few years ago, my daughter and her fiancé moved in with us to save money for a place of their own and school.  It was only supposed to be a few months but it turned into nearly 4 years with her fiancé in and out of work half a dozen times or so and never keeping a consistent schedule that I could count on.  I started feeling invaded upon all the time, like he was taking something precious away from me, something no one else knew about; my diaper time.

I snuck diapers into my house and wore them when I felt desperate and could get away with it but lived in fear that someone would "catch me" and I didn't dare wear any of my obvious baby clothes.

About a year ago, my son moved out of the house and 3 hours away from home freeing up a bedroom.  I decided that room could become my secret nursery of sorts and I began moving all my stashed items up into the closet in his former room and turned the room itself into my craft room complete with my sewing machine and such to give me an excuse to spend hours alone in there.  I put a twin sized bed in the room to help fill the room a bit but also to allow for visits from my son should he need to stay over. 

Then covid shut down everything. My husband started working full time from home locked away in his home office, my 12 yr old started 100% virtual schooling and I lost the part time job I was working teaching swim lessons. My daughter kept working but the fiancé still wasn't working full time and my mother-in-law moved back from Florida to her house next door.

My alone time was shattered.  There was hardly a trace of it left and my plan to use the "craft room" backfired after a chance of being exposed to the virus had my husband self-isolating in there.  It has been 8 months since he was potentially exposed and he has yet to move back into our bedroom because he said it is quieter in there. He still walks through our room every morning on his way to take a shower so I don't get 100% privacy.

In addition to him sleeping alone, he also doesn't eat with me. He started a Keto Diet with his mother and sister days before my birthday in July and has been having lunch and dinner with them everyday since. When he goes there for dinner, he doesn't return for several hours because they sit and chat or watch TV together and lose all track of time, yet when he is home with me, he never talks.  It's like he has used up all his words for the day or he is just out of things to say.  I don't go to dinner with them because of something my MIL said to me "I would cook for you too but it would probably kill you since you like to eat sweets too much." Besides, I don't think it is really all that healthy and I would still have to cook for my 12yr old. Between what MIL said and some things my SIL has said to me in the past, I do everything I can do to avoid them even though we all live next door to each other.  They say I am too sensitive.  I am not sure I believe that I am.

I've never kept a large circle of close friends but one I thought I had, dropped me like a hot rock because our schedules no longer match up and she has unfriended me on social media several times to test our friendship.  I got tired of my loyalty being questioned so I stopped sending new friend requests to her and she has failed to reach out to me since.  I am just tired of being hurt by her but I do miss her from time to time.

I spend most of my time now, cooking for my 12 yr old and I, cleaning up after everyone else or alone in my bedroom.

A few months ago, while the 12 yr old was on a camping trip with his scout troop, I was home alone in the house.  Daughter and fiancé were house sitting for a friend and hubby had been at MIL's for several hours.  I felt abandoned.  It was not the kind of alone time I wanted and a horrible thought went through my head.  I thought about killing myself.

I shook the feeling off by thinking of my kids and how hurting myself would hurt them too and I couldn't do that to them.  

I've tried sharing my feelings with my husband but he gets such an earful from his mom and sister about me.  They have him believing that I hate them and that I am acting in an anti-social manner towards them.  He actually called me a bitch for treating them this way and avoiding them.  I told him I am keeping the peace by keeping my distance.  I have not told him about my thoughts of hurting myself but I know it is not something I will ever act on.

I don't question that he loves me but sometimes I just don't feel it like I use to.

My daughter and fiancé have finally moved out and now there is just 3 of us left in the house.  I've made her bedroom into a guest room so my mother can come visit once it's safe to travel again.  I've not seen her in nearly 3 or 4 years but now that we are both vaccinated, maybe that can happen before another year passes.  She and I haven't always had the best relationship but absence makes the heart grow fonder, so hopefully that applies to mothers and daughters as well.

 

 

[babyalan]

Wow so sorry for your heart breaking troubles , your husband is totally in the wrong here and being a complete jersey and asshole.

A good husband would be kind and supportive not mean and name calling that's just evil and uncalled for.

But does sound like you need some sort of counseling for your marriage because now your just like  roommates not husband and wife and that is a dangerous road to be on.