A New Start - Priv with LilGirlLya

[LilGirlLya]

She intensity of Maddie's reaction scared Rachel, she'd never seen her daughter this emotional. It was almost like this was a completely different little girl. But from the way she felt in her arms, Rachel knew this was her Maddie, her baby. She carried Maddie over to the rocking chair and began to gently rock back in forth, hoping that the sway of the chair and the pacifier might get her to still her breathing. It seemed to be working, Maddie's tears didn't stop but her panic did. Rachel saw Maddie squeezing herself and didn't reprimand her daughter, instead she moved her fingers in between so Maddie was squeeze her and not herself. She sang gently, fragments of a lullaby. "What are you sorry about precious?" The poor baby looked smaller and more helpless than she ever had and all Rachel wanted to do was hold her tight and make the fear go away.

[groveoflove]

“I-I was crying.” Fern was still horrified about it, especially as he realized he had to have been loud enough for Rachel to hear. And he hadn’t been hurt or anything that actually needed a reaction like he’d just had. He was starting to calm down, his shaking dying down to just a slight tremble. But the memory of his nightmare was still so fresh, still right there, he could feel himself all tense and on edge. “I don’t. I don’t cry in front of people.” Fern eventually managed out, the shame starting to sink in. What was wrong with him? All of this over a stupid nightmare he’d had plenty of times over? It was disgusting. “I’m sorry.” He repeated, biting down on the pacifier again. “It was just a stupid nightmare, it’s nothing.” But he couldn’t stop trembling still.

[LilGirlLya]

"Maddie, I don't think that was just a 'stupid' nightmare. Was it the scary movie that did it? You're shaking still baby, I think that was a full on night terror. Do you need to talk about it?" Rachel continued to hold her girl, cradling her gently. "You scared me baby, I thought you were hurt at first 'cause I don't think I've ever heard you cry. I don't think it's your body that's hurting though, is it Maddie?"

[groveoflove]

“It wasn’t the movie.” Fern shook his head, finding himself relaxing into Rachel’s hold as she continued to rock. Focusing on just the gentle back and forth of the rocking chair was starting to settle his breathing completely. “....I didn’t mean to scare you.” His tone sounded upset, before he went quiet for a few long minutes. He felt wrung out now that his crying was done, completely exhausted. “I just-“ He shrugged, uncertainty flooding his voice, unsure of how to talk about this, or if he even wanted to. “I. Um. I have a nightmare a lot, the same one. ....It was just really bad this time. It felt so real....”

[LilGirlLya]

"It's OK Maddie, it's my job to worry about you. I signed up for it when I brought you home." Rachel continued to rock and felt the girl's body ease into her own, her muscles dropping their tension and gradually relaxing. "Have you had it since you've been here? I haven't seen you that upset ever baby. Can you tell me what's gotten you afraid and I'll see if there's something I can do to help you? If I can't, I'll find someone who can. I don't want to see you like that again if we can help it kiddo."

[groveoflove]

“....A few times, but not as bad.” Fern hesitated, shaking his head. “I’m not. I-It’s something that already happened.” So it wasn’t like Rachel could stop him from remembering it and being just as terrified and upset over it, it wasn’t like it was him just being afraid of the dark or something. He went quiet, unsure how to explain the dream or if he even wanted to. It still felt shameful in a way, that he’d been so stupid to end up like that and that he still wasn’t over it, even if there were loads of other times just like it. “My dad was mad at me about something.” Fern said finally, not wanting to go into any further details.

[LilGirlLya]

"Your dad being mad at you scared you that much?" Rachel asked with deep concern. Her suspicion that Maddie may have been hurt long before she got here continued to rise. Poor little girl, a lot of things were starting to make sense of Maddie had been abused. Her gentle, motherly concern suppressed the rage she felt. 'Who could hurt this beautiful child?' she wondered. Maddie was so tiny and precious, that anyone would think to harm her...it made Rachel more upset the more she thought about it. "What was he mad about baby? You can tell me, I promise you I won't get mad."

[groveoflove]

“No. I can’t.” Fern said immediately, jerking his head to the side, his chest feeling tight again. He didn’t think he could force the words out even if he wanted to, just thinking about it filled him with dread and worry. He didn’t think Rachel would get mad mad, though you never know, but she might laugh or just not care. And he couldn’t deal with that again, everyone giving him weird looks or not talking to him or worse. 

[LilGirlLya]

Rachel didn't want to drop the matter since it was clearly bothering Maddie, but it was upsetting the poor girl so much it would be better to table it for now and maybe talk later. "OK baby, you don't have to right now. Mommy is glad you shared that with her though, it couldn't have been easy. I know I mentioned it earlier but I want you to think about talking to someone, even if it is just Brie or my sister Renee. Brie's in therapy and Renee is her therapist. I don't imagine Brie's had the easiest time of things with family and Renee trained in helping littles and people from your dimension. You don't have to, I just want you to think about it." Rachel rocked Maddie for a bit even after she calmed down. Maddie had been pretty emotional but a visual check of the front of her diaper looked clean enough. She stuck two fingers into the leg guard. Maddie was a little wet but still not too bad. Unless she asked for a change Rachel would probably wait for her to use it a bit more. "Do you want to go back down to the fort again baby? Oh, I forgot to tell you with everything that was going on. I washed your overalls sweetie. We can get you back into them, change you into something else, or we can just watch movies together in your little shirt and diaper. Your call. It's still Maddie's day today."

[groveoflove]

“Okay.” Fern said, just relieved the conversation was ending. He couldn’t even get himself to talk to Rachel, he couldn’t imagine he’d be able to do it to Brie or a complete stranger like Renee. For now though, he let himself sink against Rachel for once, letting the rocking soothe him. He didn’t answer immediately when Rachel spoke again, trying to make the moment last. “.....Can I get into pajamas? Not the one May got, it’s too warm.” He scrubbed at his cheeks, trying to sit up. “...Can I have something to drink? I feel icky.”

[LilGirlLya]

"Of course honey, let me see what I can find for you. Maybe just some light shorts if I can't find anything?" Rachel shifted Maddie to her hip and got out of the chair and walked to the closet. "Alright, so...I have this," she showed Maddie a white footed sleeper with aqua piping and kitten designs. "This should be pretty cool on you. Rachel also found some light yellow cotton shorts, "I've got these too if you think those jammies will be too warm?" She helped Maddie into the clothing that they chose.

"Oh no baby, I hope you aren't feeling physically yucky. Lets get something in you, do you want water, juice, or milk? Which do you think your tummy would like better?"

[groveoflove]

The shorts seemed more his style, besides the color, but the sleeper looked soft and comforting. And he felt awful enough, he might as well try to do tiny things to feel better. “The sleeper.” Fern went quiet again as Rachel got him dressed, before shrugging. “My head hurts.” He admitted. “And my stomach feels weird. Sometimes when I get really stressed I get really bad headaches.” Usually, he’d sleep it off, but he felt way too on edge to even consider that for a good while. He’d just end up having the exact same nightmare, he knew it. “..Water, I think.”

[LilGirlLya]

"Alright baby, lets get some water in your tummy." Rachel carried Maddie downstairs and, rather than a sippy cup, made her a bottle of water. "Are you feeling sick, do you want to stay up or does Mommy need to tuck you in and just let you rest? Do you think any food might help?"

[groveoflove]

“I don’t want to sleep.” Fern said immediately, resting his head against Rachel’s shoulder as she carried him. “Can I just stay up?” He felt both exhausted and keyed up, he hadn’t cried like that in...he didn’t even remember how long. Just full out crying. Even when he was a kid, his dad just got annoyed at any crying or whining. “....I don’t think so. I feel kinda nauseous...”

[LilGirlLya]

"Alright, we can stay up. Let's go sit on the couch until your tummy calms down though. If you get sick I don't think you want us to have to take down the fort to clean it all up. Rachel held Maddie on her hip and carried her into the living room. The poor baby looked so out of it, like any relief she may have gotten from her nap just got sucked out of her from her nightmare. Before she let she made sure she attached Maddie's pacifier to it's dinosaur clip and fixed it to her new kitty sleeper. She sat down on the couch and cradled Maddie in her arms, pressing a button on her phone to begin some calming music before beginning to nurse the little one on her new water bottle. "Don't worry, the music won't make you act any littler than you want to be, it's just going to calm you down a bit. We'll get you hydrated before we decide if we want to watch another movie or do something a little quieter. Maybe once we put back in all that water you cried out your head will feel better."

[groveoflove]

Fern’s first worry as soon as Rachel started the music that it was indeed one of the regression ones, so he was relieved at the reassurement. He started drinking the water from the bottle, enjoying the silence for a bit. He’d been talking to Rachel a lot today, and while it hadn’t been bad at all, it was a bit tiring. Sometimes it was nice to just be quiet and not be expected to talk or to respond. Once all the water was drained, his head did feel a bit better. Not as icky, anyway, and it wasn’t hurting as much.  “.....I don’t know what I want to do now.” Fern admitted after a few minutes, still feeling wrung out. 

[LilGirlLya]

"Do you want to maybe just play by yourself in your playpen for a bit Maddie? The rain stopped while you were napping. I was thinking about surprising you and us both going on a walk down the block to maybe get some ice cream?"

[groveoflove]

“I just got my pajamas though....” Fern frowned, conflicted. Did he really want to leave the house right now? But if it was just for ice cream, it’s not like Rachel would want him to go play with some random littles. And he did like ice cream. “Can I bring my shark?” He liked all his animals, but the shark was definitely his favorite. “....Would there be a lot of people there?”

[LilGirlLya]

"It's alright to go in your pajamas, baby. Nobodies going to care about something like that." Rachel ruffled her little girl's hair "I don't see why not, I can put them in my purse while you eat so you don't get any ice cream on them." Rachel picked Maddie up and carried her over to the door, helping her get her shoes on before slipping some sandals on herself. "See, Mommy might not be in jammies like you, but even I'm going in comfy clothes.

"Oh I don't imagine, it only just stopped raining. Plus I think most people might think it's still a bit chilly out for ice cream but I take it you probably don't mind?" Rachel made sure Maddie had her shark in her arms before they stepped out in the cool, damp air after the rainstorm. The ice cream place wasn't far, it was easily walk able in fact. They didn't live in a major city, but it was large enough and she did live near enough into town that mixed use development allowed for niceties like corner bodegas and local ice cream shops. True to expectation, the shop was empty. Tables and chairs outside also sat unoccupied though wet from the rain.

"Do you know what you want baby? We can eat inside or outside, it's up to you but you'll have to sit on Mommy's lap outside."

[groveoflove]

Fern grabbed the shark from the fort, tucking it safely in his arms before they left. The walk was nice and quiet, and he’d always liked the after rain smell. Everything smelled fresh and damp, and the water dripping off from the leaves was calming. It was a tiny bit chilly, but not too bad, he’d just always preferred spring and summer over the cold. He didn’t even like snow all that much. 

To his relief, Rachel had been right about people not hanging out in the ice cream shop, in fact other then the few workers they were the only ones in there. “It’s too chilly to sit outside. And you’d get your clothes all wet.” Fern decided, before hesitating, sounding self conscious. “....Can I still sit on your lap inside? I don’t want to sit in a high chair right now.” He felt weirdly clingy, he didn’t want to be stuck all alone in a high chair. 

With that done, Fern then went into the long process of trying to decide what he wanted, stumped by all the choices offered. They had flavors here he’d never even heard of, from a range of both amazon and little tastes he supposed. He decided to stay on the safe side this time, he could always be adventurous some other time. “...I think I want the birthday cake flavor. Can I get candy on it too?” After shooting a glance at the offered toppings, he knew immediately what he wanted. “They have gummy frogs!” 

[LilGirlLya]

"You're very considerate Maddie, lets go in. I don't think I'll mind holding my baby in my lap one bit." Rachel laughed at simply how excited that made Maddie. Some gummy candy wouldn't be too much of a problem for Maddie, the sugar might make her a bit hyper later but the little girl had been through enough big feelings that it would be nice to give her a treat. "Well someone chose quickly! We'll have to come back later so you can try the other things." Rachel rang a bell to alert the shop keeper.

"Yes, one adult, one little. I'll be OK without a high chair for today. Could I get a double sea salt caramel with a chocolate drizzle for myself and I think my little one here wants a little cup with birthday cake flavor and gummy frogs." Rachel placed the order and scanned her card. She shifted Maddie to her other hip as she took both bowls one at a time and sat them on the closest table. "Thank you so much, we just got up from our nap didn't we, could I get a bib please?"

The woman behind the counter smiled, "of course, one bib for your son." Son? Rachel looked down at Maddie hoping she wouldn't be upset or confused at being called a boy. Choppy hair and blue jammies did it, that had to be the reason. "Oh, I'm sorry. Maddie's my little girl." Rachel corrected.

"Oh, I apologize, a little tomboy I suppose? Do you want me to put it in another cup?" She had already spooned the ice cream into a blue paper cup and was handing over a blue bib with puppy's and paw prints on it. Rachel looked down at Maddie, deciding she would do what Maddie wanted her to in this case.

[groveoflove]

Fern looked shy as soon as they approached the worker, ducking his head to study the ground as Rachel ordered. The woman referring to him as a boy, of course, didn’t upset him at all, and in fact he had to hide a small smile. Rachel corrected her immediately, but it made him glad all over again he’d cut his hair short, even if it was starting to get too long for his liking. Rachel had been letting him dress more like he wanted today, maybe she’d consider a haircut too without reading too much into it. “I like blue. And dogs.” Fern said, trying to not speak so quietly and nervously. “Thank you.” He tried to give the woman a smile, but feeling a pang of anxiety, just ducked his face against Rachel’s shoulder instead. 

[LilGirlLya]

"I don't think that's going to be an issue, that ice cream is going to be in a tummy soon enough! Say thank you Maddie". Rachel sat down at the table and fastened the bib around Maddie's neck, "There we go, no drips on your jammies now. You were very good just now, Maddie. A lot of little girls would have thrown a fit if someone thought they were a boy. You're so well behaved though, I'm proud of you. Do you want to use the spoon yourself or should Mommy feed you?" Maddie had handled everything incredibly well, maybe she realized with short hair and boyish clothes it would be inevitable, still though. If she hadn't said anything, would Maddie have corrected her?

[groveoflove]

“I want to feed myself.” It was embarrassing, but the bib was probably necessarily. Even on Rachel’s lap, the table felt so high and tall compared to him. “I wouldn’t throw a fit, she’s just doing her job.” Fern carefully scooped up a spoonful of ice cream, making sure to get a gummy frog, before eating it. He was getting used to food hear being really sweet or salty, but this was so unimaginably sweet, it was bursting in his mouth. “Mmmh!” He went for another spoonful, trying to resist speed eating. One, because his stomach was still a little twisty, and two, he didn’t want to do anything that might make Rachel think he couldn’t feed himself out in public. He continued eating, savoring every bite as he lightly swung his legs. Towards the end of the bowl, he started feeling a twinge in his bladder, most likely from the water earlier at the house. And while he felt incredibly self conscious about it, he’d been trying to do what Rachel had suggested today, and to just go instead of trying to hold it. It was just kinda embarrassing to do it in public, even if no one besides Rachel could tell. He squirmed a bit before he was able to get himself to pee, feeling his diaper go warm and wet as he tried to distract himself with eating instead. “....Is your ice cream good?”

[LilGirlLya]

"It is, although I don't know if it was as good as yours." Rachel marveled at the speed that this little made what was in the bowl vanish. "You kept your bib clean too, what a good girl Maddie. Finish the rest slow though, you don't want a nasty ice cream headache do you?" As Maddie finished, Rachel thought she could feel her lap warm a bit. She looked down, nothing wet. A little poke test proved though that Maddie probably had wet her diaper. She rubbed Maddie's back, trying to make her feel good and get anything left in her out as well. She would wait to see if Maddie said anything about a new diaper. Even if she did though, they'd left the house so quickly Rachel hadn't packed a diaper bag, so Maddie was going to have to sit in her wet diaper at least until they got home. Maybe if she got a bit more comfortable in them, found out they weren't so bad she try to hold it for so long. Rachel had noticed that Maddie was doing her best to let go of her big girl potty training though, she'd had a few more wet diapers already today than she might expect on a normal day. "Oh, we almost forgot someone," Rachel fished inside of her purse and but Maddie's toy shark on the table. "There we go, now your shark can watch you take big shark bites out of your ice cream!"

"Hey, that looks yummy!" Rachel but on what to her was a bassy, gravely voice fit for a shark. "I want some too, nom nom nom nom nom!" Rachel mimed the shark eating up all of Maddie's ice cream. "Oh no Maddie! Tell your shark it's your ice cream so they don't eat it all up!" She gave Maddie a tickle to get her giggly again. Maddie seemed to like animal toys so much that Rachel wondered about making maybe getting Maddie and unpotty training chart, sharks and ocean animals might be harder to find than princesses or unicorns, but maybe if she could place a toy reward at the end of a full sticker chart, Maddie might abandon any holding all together. That was the goal after all. Rachel finished her ice cream, keeping her eye on Maddie as she finished the rest of hers