Babes Of Prey: A Re-Write

[Parker Longabaugh]

This came out longer and took more time to write than I'd planned... so if you enjoy this re-write, please let me know! Are there any other movies that could use a re-write? Let me know in the comments!

So, as I’m sure some of you have heard, Birds Of Prey has flopped at the box office, and although there’s still a chance they could do well on their second weekend and make a little money, it looks like it’s not going to be the hit that DC fans know it could have been.

But I’ve come here today not to bury Birds Of Prey, but to offer my assistance as an unofficial member of the DC family >SHAMELESS PLUG< CHECK OUT REGRESSION CRISIS >SHAMELESS PLUG<, I’ve come here today to offer my services and help point out a couple of things that I think they could have done to make the movie the best it could be, and maybe make a little more money.

Today we’ll be focusing on one scene. According to IMDB, after one of the Birds swallows a diamond, the following dialogue takes place:

Harley Quinn : [to Cassandra at supermarket] there's two ways were getting that diamond out of you,

[shows her laxative]

Harley Quinn : this

[shows her a carving knife]

Harley Quinn : or this.

[Cassandra wisely chooses the laxative]

First a couple of notes:

1. For some reason I can’t figure out, in the movie Cassandra (Batgirl) Cain is portrayed by a random teenage girl. I have no idea why they would decide to do this-- it seems to me that the point of having a Batgirl in a BOP movie would be to actually have a Batgirl in the movie. So first thing’s first: for the purposes of this re-write, let’s replace Cassandra with everyone’s favourite rogue martial artist and one of the most dangerous fighters in the DCU-- Sandra Wusan, AKA Lady Shiva:

2. And on that vein, let’s imagine Harley looked a bit more like this in the movie:

We now join our newly revamped characters in the supermarket:

Harley turns to Lady Shiva and gives her a cheeky smile.

Harley

Look, hon’: there's two ways were getting that diamond out of you... This:

She presents a bottle of extra strength laxative. Lady Shiva looks to the bottle, her face still and unreadable.

Harley

Or this!

Harley holds up the carving knife... as she brays with obnoxious laughter, Shiva’s eyes narrow darkly.

With the speed of a cobra, Shiva’s arm lashes out, knocking the knife from Harley’s hand.

Harley

Whoa!

So quickly it can barely be perceived by the eye, Shiva reaches out and snatches the laxative from Harley.

Harley

Hey!

In a flash, Shiva has the bottle open and the cap off. Reaching out with her other hand, she takes Harley by the ear and twists painfully.

Harley

OOOUUUCCHH!

Lady Shiva twists Harley’s ear even farther, forcing her down on her knees.

Harley

OW! LEMME GO YOU BITC--!!

Shiva pushes the lip of the bottle into Harley’s open mouth and begins pouring the foul tasting liquid down her throat. The clown princess of crime is no longer laughing and quiping but sputtering and spitting, trying to keep herself from swallowing too much of the laxative... but although the front of her shirt and shorts are soaked with the liquid, Shiva is still able to get most of the bottle down her throat and into her belly.

The Mistress of Martial Arts drops the empty bottle to the floor. On her knees, Harley coughs and spits, but knows she’s too late... she’s got a belly full of laxative.

Harley

(Furious)

Bitch! Who the hell do you think you are?!

But Lady Shiva isn’t listening... She pulls the cursing she-clown to her feet, never taking her eyes off her opponent as she bends down to retrieve the knife.

Harley

(cowering)

What are you going to do with that?!

Without saying a word, Shiva lashes out with the knife, it’s blade glinting as it whistles through the air in a whirlwind in front of the screaming Harley, who has her eyes squeezed shut.

Finished, Shiva drops the blade to the floor once more. Nervously, one after the other, Harley opens her eyes, grinning when she realizes she’s in one piece, Lady Shiva’s knife obviously missing the mark...

A sudden cacophony of ripping a tearing fills the air, and Harley is stunned as her clothes disintegrate into little more than strips of fabric which fall from her body into a pile on the floor, leaving her standing naked in the middle of the isle.

Harley

EEEEKKKK!

In a flash, Shiva’s arm shoots out, grabbing Harley by one of her pigtails and dragging her naked through the store. By now, they’ve attracted a laughing audience... and more than a few people are gazing lustfully at Harley’s sexy, naked body, appreciating the way her boobs wobble and her butt jiggles as Shiva hauls her down the isle.

Harley is so concerned with keeping up with Shiva and minimizing the pain in her ear, she doesn’t notice that she’s been dragged into the adult diaper section. Shiva releases Harley, tears open a pack of particularly thick adult diapers and removes one. She reaches towards Harley, opening the diaper in the process.

Harley

Hey! No! Stop!

But it’s too late-- with the lightning speed of both a skilled martial artist and a trained babysitter, Lady Shiva has Harley’s little white butt taped into a puffy pink diaper in moments. As the growing crowd watches the bizarre spectacle unfold, Harley stands by and blushes.

Harley

This isn’t funny!

The laughter of the gawking rabble says otherwise, and their guffaws only increase when Shiva goes down on one knee, tugs the squawking Harley bottoms up over the other knee, and proceedes to warm her crinkly diapered bottom with a fast and furious spanking!

Harley

OW OW OW OW OW! STOP! OWIE!

But the Dragon Lady is relentless, swatting Harley’s pampered behind mercilessly, her blows carefully calculated to let her victim feel it through the padding (but not damage the diaper.) Harley screams and flails, her feet kicking in the air behind her, bare tits wobbling.

Lady Shiva

How dare you threaten me?

The paddling continues, turning Harley’s pale buttocks a bright hot pink inside the diaper. And just when Harley thinks it can’t get any worse...

SFX

(Stomach gurgle)

Harley

(Wide eyed)

OH NO!

The laxative kicks in with a vengeance, even as the spanking continues. As Harley’s guts begin to cramp and twist, gas and semi-solid poopy begin building up in her colon like lava in a volcano. She squeezes her hindquarters, clinching her anus and tightening her buttocks with all her strength... but she’s no match for the sheer potency and volume of the laxative she’s been forced to consume. Just seconds after she feels the first cramps, the Clown Princess looses control, filling her diaper with an explosion of gas and muddy poop. A thick gooey mess is blown out of her backside with a sizable fart, a diarrhea shotgun blast into the seat of her padded plastic underwear.

Harley

BABY MAKE BOOM BOOM!! WWWAAAAA!

A series of nasty, farty squelches emerges, Harley’s buttocks parting to accommodate a thick, mushy surge out of her rump and into her diaper, which instantly begins to bulge and sag at the back, providing Shiva with an irresistible target for her next swat, which lands against the mess with a gooey SPLURCH!

Harley

EWWW! GROSS!

Squealing and crying now, having totally lost control, Harley doesn’t even try to hold back the next wave of cramps when they arrive. The result is an explosive eruption of gas and poop that instantly turns the seat of her diapers brown and fills them to capacity. Lady Shiva continues the spanking, squishing the mess against Harley’s buns and mushing it up the cleftbetween them.

At last, Harley is finished, left sobbing and heaving for breath in a cloud of her own stink. Setting her on her feet, Lady Shiva rises and dusts herself off before taking the bawling Harley by the hand.

Lady Shiva

Come along, you little brat!

She drags the crying she-clown off by the hand, her poopy pink diapers wobbling behind her.

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