Diaper Training

[elfowl]

I grin up at Daddy, getting a little shiver of joy as he calls me a good girl again.

I follow him to the living room, and start helping him prepare my school supplies.  I pull out a pencil case, and unwrap a set of pencils, a tiny pencil sharpener, some pens, and markers, and put them in the pencil case.  I pull out some folders, and pack them into the backpack as well.

I can't help but wonder if I'm really going to need all of this stuff.  The students didn't really seem to be doing paper work, but then again I had only seen them doing math, not English history, or science.

[Ishigreensa]

Once her bag is packed and ready, Sean went and got her shoes and started to help her put them on as if she still had trouble with tying them even though she was supposed to be eleven years old.  

Once she was ready to go, then he got a second backpack, placed two diapers in it and some stuff to take care of any rashes, and he finally took her hand to lead her to the car to take her.

"I'Il be at work while you are at school, so please, don't give the teachers a hard time.  If you really need me, the teachers will know my work number, but I'd prefer you didn' bother my job unless you really need me for something that the teachers cannot help you with, okay?"

He smiled at her.

"You be a big girl for daddy and do your best at school, okay?"

[elfowl]

I smile as I sit down and let Daddy put my shoes on.  Despite telling me that I'm eleven he seems like he's not quite ready to have me "grow up" quite yet.  I don't really mind.  I like being a younger age.

I watch him pack a second backpack, and am a little surprised that he does.  I'm nowhere near having accidents, though I suppose that's where we're trying to get anyways, so we may as well start getting me used to carrying diapers for when I need it.

I follow him to the car, and climb into the backseat.

I shake my head when he mentions giving the teachers a hard time.  "Uh-uh, I'm gonna be a good girl Daddy, and I'll try to let them take care of me.  You wouldn't leave me with them unless you trusted them, and I trust you, so I trust them.  I'ma do my best to do good in school, and make you proud Daddy, and I'll only call you if there's an emergency."

I give him my best confident smile.  "I'm gonna be a big girl for you Daddy, and I'm gonna do my best.  Just leave it to me!"  I wish I felt as confident as I made myself sound.  Despite having been there, and Daddy's reassurances.  I feel worried about the curriculum, and the other kids.  What would I do if it's highschool all over again, and nobody wants to know me, or play, or hang out?

I take a deep breath, and try to put my fears and worries aside for now.

[Ishigreensa]

Sean smiled and nodded at her as she talked about trying to do her best.

Before she knew it, they were halfway to school.

Then, they were at school.

Sean walked her into the office, and signed her in.

"Sorry about yesterday, but we had to have her see a doctor."

"Well, that's fine.  So, she can report right to Ms. T's Fifth grade room.  Ms. T knows everything that we talked about the day before."

Sean smiled and nodded Lily off.

Then he went off to work.

[elfowl]

As I ride along in the car, watching as the world passes by, and we get closer and closer to the school.

A small sense of anxiety builds inside of me, and I can't help but worry about the day ahead of me.

Before I knwo it we've arived.  I unbuckle myself and slide out of the car, dropping down onto the ground, and taking Daddy's hand to walk inside.

He signs me in, and they tell me to go to Ms. T's room.  

I hug Daddy tightly, and murmur "Have a good day at work.  I'll miss you Daddy."

I wander off into the building, using the elevator to go up to the third floor, and hoping that's the right place, since it's the same as we went to two days ago.

I keep looking until I find Ms. T's room, and go in.  I look around for whoever seems to be the teacher, and walk up to them a bit shyly.  "...um... hello?  I'm Lilly.... I'm um.... new here..."

[Ishigreensa]

"Hi, there, Lilly.  I've been expecting you," a woman that looks quite Mexican with her brown skin and black hair other features that are hard to describe, but certainly sets her apart from being a Native American from the US or an African-American as is the politically correct name to call them for now.  "You are going to have a seat right there in the front so you can see what expectations we have, and you can be clearly observed to make help you make any adjustments."

She took the young girl by the hand to lead her to her seat.

"Now, each person is doing something different in this class.  As you probably already know, classes are not so much broken up by grade as they are by how much training they need.  You are going to be a fifth grade student, but you and your daddy seem to want to have you learn to become a step three child.  Step seven children act and behave exactly as the grade they are put in all the time.  The stuff you want to do though, implies that you are not a fifth grader all the time, and that you and your daddy want to enjoy a much more babied life at home.  Isn't that right?"

She smiled.

"Don't be embarrassed.  Most of the children in my class are in step seven, but they are training to be in step four your younger, so they are not that much different from you."

Then she sat her down at her desk.

"Now, I would like you to either wait quietly here for time for school to begin, or you can go down to the playground and play until the bell brings you back in.

[elfowl]

I smile as Ms. T greets me, and let her lead me to my seat, happily.  She seems quite warm and kind, and I feel a lot of my worries melt away as she talks to me.

I listen to her explanation of the difference between grades and steps. and wonder about the specifics of the steps.

I blush a little as she mentions me being more of a baby at home, but only just a little.  "Yes Ms. T  That's right.  I wanna be as little as I can pass for in public, or at least as little as Daddy wants me in public, and to be a lot more babied at home.  What are the steps, if I can ask that?"

I look at the clock when she mentions sitting down quietly or going down to the playground.  The playground sounds fun, but I wouldn't have very long to play before school starts.  "I'll stay here for now Ms. T."

I sit down at my desk, sliding my backpacks down to either side of me, and putting them down on the floor.

[Ishigreensa]

Ms. T smiled and nodded.

"Step Seven is basically the way you are now.  You are interested in being a kid, but you are still pretty capable of looking after yourself and still have doubts about being completely controlled by your daddy or anyone else he puts in charge of you.  You will have a lot of trouble accepting help that a school often has to be there for little ones for, and of course, you won't really understand what an accident is for a little kid, nor can you really pull an accident off even if you tried."

"Step Six is where you are starting to accept that you need a little help here and there.  You act a lot more like a teenager about things.  You can get a little selfish as you try to rediscover yourself, and if you pee your pants, it's usually on purpose just to get attention because you still don't know how to do it by accident yet."

Step Five, is you start to understand what a teen should and shouldn't know.  You might fit in with an 8th to 10th grade class in real schools with your behavior, and you start to really understand how accidents can happen for the first time.  You start to feel an incredible sense of and even need to play when you are not occupied by things that are serious to you, and those things that you consider serious will be completely different from what you think is serious right now.

Step Four, is you start to have accidents once in a while without meaning to.  You have started to become accustomed to having wet pants about once every few days as being normal for you.  You start to really fit in with kids that are more like sixth to 8th graders.  You worry more about what preteens worry about than what adults worry about because you really are trusting your daddy and the school to take care of those adult worries for you by then.

Step Three, where you want to be, is you are comfortable with the idea that you pee your pants at school about every three or four days, and sometimes twice in one day.  You wet the bed almost nightly, and you play and talk very muc like a child under the age of 12 does.  You would easily fit in any class at school between the grades of 4 and 6.  Sometimes, when you feel safe enough, like at home with just your daddy, you might even just pee your pants for extra attention without worrying because even if you get in trouble for it, you know daddy will take care of you because you know you are his little girl."

 

Ms. T. smiled.

When she was done explaining the outcomes of each stage upto three, the school bell rang.

Ms. T. went to the board and started to write instructions to the class:

We have a new student today.

Agenda:

1.  Greet and share something about us including what stage we are in at school.

2.  Upper level Mathematics

3.  Upper level Reading

4.  Individual Reading Regressive practices

Lunch

 

She then waited for the students to take their seats, leaving the afternoon part of the agenda blank on purpose.

[elfowl]

I nod and follow along  with Ms. T's explanations of the stages, thinking that I like the sound of being at step three, and probably would even like going to step two.  "Okay, that makes sense Ms. T.  Thank you!  am I wrong to assume that there's a step two and a step one as well?  and is there a step zero?"

I read the agenda to myself as she writes it, a little bit embarrassed to be called out as the first thing on the board.  Everything else seems straightforwards, but I can't help but wonder what 'Individual Reading Regressive practices' are, or if those are two different things.  I decide to wait and see, rather than asking Ms. T.

I watch the other students enter the room, taking note of the ones who look nice and friendly, and any that look mean, or like I should avoid them.  I also look out for shy, or lonely looking kids, who maybe need someone to reach out to them, they'd probably be fast, and very steadfast friends.

[Ishigreensa]

"There is a step two and a step one," Ms. T said.  "But as far as I've been told, you are being trained to step three, so there is no need to talk about step two or step one right now."

The other kids come in talking and laughing among each other and eventually take seats.

There a couple of girls that are rather shy looking and seeming to be ignored by most everyone else.

Most of the kids look friendly and nice.  No one stands out as a 'bully' since most of these kids actually just want to learn to be children.  They see themselves as little kids that are the 'helpless ones' and so have nothing to prove that bullies think they do.  Besides, since most of these kids are in step 7, they are still quite new to this idea anyway, and so they are not ready to make waves or be popular yet.

When the kids settle down, Ms. T called the room to attention.

"Good Morning, class.  We have a new student with us today, so we'll go around the room and introduce ourselves...."

She started in the back of the room, and made sure that Lily went last so she wouldn't need to feel put on the spot.

[elfowl]

I nod, disappointed to not be able to learn more about the program. but trying to be accepting and not raise a fuss, since it's probably not something Daddy wants me to worry about.  "Okay Ms. T"

I watch the group, and take note of the two girls, I have to be careful, sometimes there's a good reason why people are ignored by the group, but most of the time it's cuz they're shy and no one has reached out to them yet... or at least not the right person.

I don't see anyonre who looks tough, or just angry with the world, or spiteful, but that just worries me even more.  probably that means if there's a troublemaker, or a bully, they're more of a social manipulator.  and new kids are even worse of prey for them than a physical bully.  Ms. T doesn't seem like she'd put up with that sort of thing, though that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, that just means there's only so bad it can get.  there's always the chance for a kid who's mommy or daddy simply sees them as "their perfect angel"  and won't hear anything about them being malicious, or mean.

my eyes flick over to Ms. T, and I smile at her in thanks as she starts the group introductions going away from me.  I wouldn't mind going third or fourth, but If I were going first or second I would have no idea what to say.

I listen attentively, trying to get a feel for the other students.

[Ishigreensa]

“Me name is Roo-as,” a little girl was obviously trying too hard to sound like a baby.  She was one of the loner girls. 

“I want to be little girl but mommy says I should to be big in pabollick so I come here to be eight and one half old.”

She then sat down. 

“I’m suss’ posed to be a preteen,” Scott said. “I don’t really know what mom wants of me, but I feel younger than a preteen most of the time.”

”Ruth” one girl started. “People made fun of me before because I still pee my pants.”

She looked down. 

There was something about her that looked a little more genuine than the pretenders or the inexperienced. She didn’t try to talk like a child yet she really sounded like a young teenager.  She didn’t say anything about how old she thought she was.

[elfowl]

I listen carefully to the other kids as they go around, I'm usually awful with names, and this will probably be no exception..  I take note of Ruth in particular.  Unlike the rest she actualy sounds young, though she's the only one who doesn't state her age.  

I listen through the rest before it gets around to me.

I stand up and say  "I'm Lilly.  I'm new at bein little, and I'm not that good at letting go of my big people worries yet.  Daddy wants me to start havin' accidents.  I'm sposed to be eleven in public, but he likes me bein' littler at home.  I'm really happy to meet you all, and I hope we can be friends."  I smile at the end, and look at Ms. T for any indication that I need to say anything else. before sitting down."

I hope that school can be a place where it's safe for me to be younger than I am in public, but I figure that Daddy probably wants me to get the hang of being eleven down before I try to be younger in school.

[Ishigreensa]

The teacher smiled at the kids and nodded her approval.

"Okay, now we are going to start learning, or rather, unlearning polynomials today.  Does anyone remember what a polynomial is from math?"

A few of the kids raised their hands, but Ruth was one of the ones that did not raise her hand.

"A Polynomial is a problem with more than one variable in it, and it generally involves exponents.  For example, x squared plus x minus 20.  Now, we are not going to learn to solve these kinds of problems the way the rest of the world does it, because the point is to make you more like children, so we need to come up with new definitions for polynomial that makes sense for a high school student.  Anyone have any suggestions?"

She looked around.

Ruth kept her hand decidedly down and her head down so that the teacher couldn't make eye contact with her.

[elfowl]

I raise my hand along with the other kids who do for knowing polynomials, feeling proud and smiling.

I feel a little bit ashamed when I remember that we're supposed to be un-learning mathematics here.  I find myself torn.  I've always felt proud of being smart, even more so of being able to earn an engineering degree, but now I am about to try to purposefully throw my book smarts away so that I'll be a better little girl for Daddy...

I swallow and raise my hand hoping the teacher will call on me, though I make a note that Ruth seems to be trying very hard to avoid the teacher's gaze.

"Um... maybe an equation that has multiple numbers that aren't variables, or one that has fractions involved.  such as 3x+47/17=4 or something?

If I couldn't be traditionally smart.  I'd just try to be smart another way.

[Ishigreensa]

Ms. T called on Lilly of course because she was the newest member of the class and had an answer.

"That's a pretty good idea," she told her.

Angela, another one that liked to show off said that poly means many and Nomials probably has something to do with names so maybe a polynomial is where you use two kinds of math together to get an answer like fractions and adding.

Angela then came up with another answer where Poly is a girl's name and Nomial is probably a name, so she's saying her name is Poly in math language.

That made a few of the littles snicker.

[elfowl]

I listen to Angela's ideas, and try to go along with them, but I can't keep my brain from screaming at me that it's wrong...  and then as she takes the concept further and further away from mathematics, I can't help but feel as if a piece of my soul is being ripped off and stomped on.

Maybe this was a terrible idea...

I try to not let my anxiety and revulsion show on my face as I hear the other littles laughing.

This should get easier right?  I'm forgetting things for Daddy...  I'm doing it for Daddy...

Come on, I can't give up after the first ten minutes.  what's the next part?

I try to simply be attentive as I wait for Ms. T to continue with the lesson.

[Ishigreensa]

Ms. T then finally brought the class back around to math again.

"Well, we have to be certain that Polynomials are math because if we throw it completely out, then people will not understand you kids being littles at all.  There does still need to be a reason to it."

She then handed out coloring sheets with things from mountains to animals like birds on it.  Each item had a letter of the alphabet next to it.

Then she gave them a worksheet with letters and numbers to add together.

"Now, do the sheet your own way, but try to tie it in some way to the coloring sheet I gave you."

She then let them work a bit on this paper to invent their own 'math' projects.

[elfowl]

I begin working on the math sheet, falling back into old routine and habit, solving for the variables, and using  multiple equations to eliminate variables just like I had been taught.  I fall into a flow, and feel my brain taking on a familiar and welcome stretch and pull of solving mathmatic equations.  Before I know it, I'm done with the worksheet, and haven't even touched the coloring sheet.

I look up and look around to see what other kids are doing, trying to copy here and there on the back of my worksheet, trying to come up with ways to include the landscapes and animals into the equations.  

I keep coming up with things like  if a sandtower has x grains of sand, how many grains does a sandcastle (x²⁾ have to relate to a picture of a beach, next to the letter b.

[Ishigreensa]

Eventually Math was over, and the teacher started to collect the worksheets.

As she did, she seemed to spend an extra amount of time at each desk as though she was doing more than collecting each worksheet.

The others started to whisper and giggle as the teacher walked around the room collecting papers and whatever else she was doing that seemed to take a long time at each desk.  It took her probably ten minutes to get to Lilly.

"How are you doing, Lilly?" she asked as she took the paper.

She frowned a bit.

"You answered these like a college student," Ms. T said not looking happy at all.  "Come up to my desk and get another paper.  You'll have to do it again for homework.  There is no (x^2) in little kids' math."

[elfowl]

I get a little bit nervous as Ms. T slowly makes her way around the room slowly getting closer.  I know what I did probably isn't the best, but hopefully it isn't too bad.

When she gets to me and starts reading, I can tell it's bad, as her frown gets worse and worse.  "Okay Ms. T" I respond feeling completely dejected, and a bit devistated.  I could have sworn that I used x^2 in fifth grade, if not fourth, but then again I had been in an advanced math program at the time.

I follow her up to her desk and take the new worksheets.  While I have her attention I ask "Um... I guess maybe I didn't understand the assignment... or maybe I just sorta got carried away.  How was I supposed to do it?  Or should I just not have used x^2?"

I walk back to my desk.  I feel awful that I did so bad that I was the only kid to end up with homework.

[Ishigreensa]

Ms. T. smiled and shook her head.

"Little kids your age should not know anything about exponents or algebra at all.  However, this class was not even addressing you as a fifth grader.  Exponents are something that should be beyond your grasp and should never be used correctly.  You were to letter each thing in the picture because even your algebra expressions should not be based on the idea that a letter can represent a true number."

She frowned.

"When you talk about adding sand to the sea, think how a little kid would.  What would you get if you mixed sand and water?"

She sighed.

"Ask your daddy for help if you are confused.  We need to go on to reading."

 

Now, the books she passed out were not anything like you would get even in high school.  They were chapter books, and still quite fluently written like Harry Potter, and even kids in ninth grade might have enjoyed them, so they were not exactly baby books.

"I want each of you to practice reading the books for a while, and then I'll call each of you up to read to me."

[elfowl]

I nod along with Ms. T.  I want to do better, but I'm still not sure if I fully understand the exercise.  I make a note in my mind to ask Daddy about it later.

"Um, grainy mud?"  I guess at her question.  I can feel her disappointment and it makes me feel simply awful.

When the books are passed out, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.  English had never been my strong suit, but that was always because of writing.  I loved reading and had always been quite proficient once I had learned how.  It was difficult for me to learn to read, but once I did, I had never had any trouble reading chapter books.  So should I pretend to be bad at reading, having to sound out every word slowly and methodically.  Should I let Ms. T know that I was proficient at reading, and simply demonstrate my abilities as they are to let her know what she was working with.  Would she be disappointed with me again if I did.  I didn't want to end up as the only kid with homework again.  and did they really want me to forget how to read, or at least to have a harder time of it?  Is that something I  wanted?  Was it something  Daddy wanted?  Reading is fun, and a good way to relax, and spend time.  Plus it was incredibly useful.  Do I really want to give it up?

All of these questions and more fly through my head as I'm waiting for Ms. T to call me up to read to her.  I try to listen in on the other kids to see how they're doing, and how Ms. T reacts to each one.  Trying to figure out what I should do.  I was feeling a little overwhelmed, and a little panicky.

[Ishigreensa]

Ms. T was not particularly strict about reading 'wrong' and actually tried to help the little ones that pronounced the words wrong whether they obviously did so or not.

Some kids wanted to regress in reading, and read like little kids, some even seeming to get stuck on five letter words that were so common, that even most third graders knew the words.  

Other 'kids' only got stuck on words that were more than eight letters long, or that were unusual like the work lynx.

Eventually, it was Lilly's turn to read for her.

[elfowl]

I don't see a clear pattern with how Ms. T corrects students, and i don't seem to see any students that get reading "wrong" like I had with math.  So if I fail I'll once again be the only one to do so.  My anxiety and fears only grow and grow as it gets closer and closer to my turn.  I really don't want to mess up agan.  

So I do the one thing I can do.  I ask what I should do, and hope I don't get in more trouble for breaking the illusion of being a fifth grader.  "Um... Ms. T?  am I supposed to read as well as I can so you know where I am and we can work from there?  or am I supposed to try to read like a fifth grader as much as I can?"

I hope that my fear and anxiety don't drip into my voice and color it too much.