An Ab Of The Mind, But What Of The Body?

[Incomplete Dude]

Hello there,

I am something of a misfit in life. In fact, I'm unsure if I even fit into the ABDL community really. Certainly, there is a strong desire in me to wear diapers again, and return to that child-like state of innocence, trust and dependence. However, there is another equally strong force of intellectualism, questioning and independence. It is as though twin souls live within me, and as they rub forces, a tornado of questions emerges. On the one hand, I want to let go of control, on the other I seek it ferociously, and I value both in the same amount. I have thought deeply and intently on this, and the current result follows:

Sometimes we forget that the unknown and uncontrolled elements in the world, our lives and ourselves are simply facts of our reality. As a result, we don't know how to face or deal with them, and this fills us with anxiety and fear. Thus, in order to ignore them, we label these things as absurd, strange and sometimes even bad. However, this is only an excuse. In truth, since they are unknown and uncontrolled, the goodness or badness of their results is also unknown.

Now, the probability that they will have one outcome or another may be understood to some degree, but to be certain, we must actually experience these elements. Doing so will give us some additional perspective and knowledge of them, thereby improving the outcome of future interactions, and eventually, making the choice obvious. By definition, this is good, and hence, we find that the unknown has a bias towards good.

Of course, there are also uncontrolled things for which we lack enough information to make a clear judgement. For them, the only certainty is that by experiencing it, we will come to know it better, and this is good. Therefore, such unknowns must be embraced headlong with verve and excitement, for even if it has a negative result, we are all the more improved and complete by knowing that.

In this sense, diaper wearing is a profound threefold metaphor:

First, diapers are associated with the child, whose only certainty is the near constant confrontation of the unknown. Yet, somehow, they are not wholly overwhelmed by this fact and their anxieties are few. Indeed, they instinctively realize that the unknown is, if accepted, an opportunity to gain knowledge. This is an exciting prospect, and thus, we see the essence of innocence and child-like curiosity. Moreover, this is something anyone can have, if they allow themselves the privilege, and that is a comforting thought.

Second, diapers exist to deal with incontinence, which is a very fundamental unknown. We are all born in this state of being unaware when our body will expel its waste. Even so, this uncontrolled element is not terrifying, for we have mechanisms of dealing with it, namely, the diaper. However, these cannot be utilized if the incontinence is denied, which would be a very foolish thing to do. Instead, one must accept the lack of control in one's life, and through this, regain it.

Certainly, it can be said that those with the most control are also capable of losing it. Consider the astronaut in spacewalk, where every minute is carefully co-ordinated, extremely expensive, and potentially dangerous. It would be ridiculous to spend this incredibly valuable time on something relatively unproductive like going to the bathroom. Thus, they wear diapers. Again, imagine the entrepreneur or coup d'etat leader, who after the initial wave of success believes they can carry on forever. In fact, this requires a different skill set; one they may not possess. Thus, for their dream to survive, they must often give up their power. It's clear enough, then, that sometimes giving up control is the only reasonable option, so one must always be able to do this.

Finally, wearing a diaper is itself an admission of the unknown. After all, society at large is often uncomfortable with the practise, whatever the reason for it. It's known that many squeam at the thought of baby changing, joke about Depends and insult the bed wetter. Certainly, when you wear a diaper, there is an undeniable awareness that you don't really know if others can tell, and if they can, you don't know their thoughts. This is even more potent when purchasing them and in close relationships, and then there are leaks! Even when alone, one wonders what others would think if they knew. Moreover, most of these things are very difficult to determine, so they will remain unknown. All in all, it takes more then nerves of steel to wear a diaper: One must truly accept the fact that the unknown exists in every facet of life.

Although in it, one meets many people who erroneously believe that they can and ought to have absolute control in some regard. However, it can be observed that over time they will succumb to various neurotic behaviours regardless. After all, believing in falsehood is delusion, and doing so makes one prone to further delusion, that is, neurosis. In the end, this is but a different kind of incontinence, and these people become that which they fear so much. Unfortunately, this destructive misconception is very common, so one must work that much harder to avoid it, but even then, there are still unknowns.

As such, we all encounter the deluded one way or another, and most of us will be negatively affected by this. Due to common male social expectations and the parent's importance, this will most likely come from a domineering father. Although, certainly bullying, other abuse and dramatic social change are possible causes among many. In any case, we might forget how to handle the unknown, and become incomplete as a result. If this resurfaces, then we will naturally search for what's missing, even if we don't realize it. Depending on our situation and experiences, we may come to any number of conclusions, including becoming deluded ourselves.

From this understanding, the basis for diaper wearing by those with bladder control, adult babies and other forms of infantilism becomes much clearer. As it has been seen, these things tie in very strongly with anxiety, the need for control, the unknown, and the acceptance of one's situation. More importantly, they remind us of our childhood and innocence, in which such problems didn't exist. In other words, they provide a solid realization that it's OK for unknowns, differences and uncontrolled factors to exist. Also, this need for purity is perhaps why infantilism often comes with a strong appreciation of fantasy, cartoons, anthropomorphism and so on, because of the abstract purity and innocence often found in their theme and structure. Overall, if our internal struggle has to do with these issues, and we have experiences that connect with it, then infantilism may be the solution we find, and hence, demand of ourselves, so that we may remember what was once forgotten.

This leaves one final question, however, should one actually partake in it and to what degree? First of all, we must look at what we know. Namely, if it were widely known then there would absolutely be negative responses from a significant number of people, most would consider it very weird, and the rest would either not care or be receptive in varying amounts. Although, with care it can be very discreet. In fact, it needn't be done in public at all. Also, there is the necessary expense of time and money, but this can again be minimized with planning and the use of cloth diapers. Of course, this evaluation is also highly dependant on one's situation. Some might be institutionalized or even killed by their social group, while others might be embraced by it. However, for most cases it's very grey and unknown, so as logic dictates, it ought to be tried at least.

In my case, I was a bed wetter until the end of elementary school, during the latter 4 years I was bullied tremendously, to the point of total animalistic rage on a number of occasions. Also, during this time I sometimes wet my diaper in the morning on purpose, since I was wearing it anyways. It just seemed practical, and of no surprise, it's around that same time I first remember enjoying wearing it. On top of that, I have a control freak, phobia laced father. Although, my mother is extremely caring, almost too much so at times. Oh, and I am a genius type with ADHD, just to shake things up, lol. In any case, the stage has certainly been set in my life for this desire to come about.

These issues have resulted in a number of serious emotional difficulties, but most have been solved. First, there was recurring suicidal depression, but cognitive therapy solved that. Then there was a hatred of responsibility, but failing out of university changed my mind on that one. Moreover, finally getting my ADHD diagnosed has really helped, but that's only after years of wondering what's wrong with my ability to get things done, failing countless times, getting into trouble, and generally causing myself grief. Actually, I thought that accepting responsibility would have stopped this desire, but here I am today. One anxiety remains though, fear of the unknown, misunderstanding and failure. It shows up in momentary mini-anxiety attacks where I have flashbacks of past memories, in which I have no idea what the people around me thought, or how they reacted to my actions. I think if I can take control of this by accepting the impossibility of total control, then perhaps I will finally be complete. That is, free from past damage, and free to grow and become who I want to be.

But I still have questions.

If the point of this desire is to remind you of what's missing, then by knowing this, you can figure it out what's missing, and remove any need to actually engage in the practise. Theoretically, once the issue is resolved, the desire will subside. However, theories must be verified by experimentation. Perhaps, actually doing it is the most efficient route towards this self-realization. Perhaps, there are further questions and needs that are not yet known. Certainly though, one must exercise reasonable judgement.

Therefore, at this point I cannot consider wearing diapers, due to living with my family, who couldn't possible comprehend it, and would give me hell even if I lied, such as saying it was real incontinence. However, there will be a time when I have my own place and my own credit card. When that day comes, I expect I will explore these desires more directly. Still, who knows, by then I may change. Although, given how long this desire has been with me, albeit on and off, I have my doubts that it will ever go away. At the very least, by doing it, I can prove to myself that I can handle the unknown within myself and become comfortable with it.

In any case, my definition of success in this regard, is not to be someone who acts like a baby for half the day, and an adult for the other half. I want to be the same all day, as much a child as an adult. It only makes sense, since these things are both valuable, so in order to maximize their use, I must express them equally in all that I do. In this way, every effort has the full and unhidden forces of my being behind them. I promised myself when I was young that I wouldn't forget the child in me, and I have no intention of doing so.

EDIT: Title changed to AB, since I've come to realize I'm more that then a DL.

[smarti]

Interesting analysis. Don't forget we do things just because they are fun to do.

[Incomplete Dude]

Certainly, as long as it's not too mindless, such as my video game binges of the past (9h non-stop, hardly even blinking). I don't think this is like that though, or at least it won't be, since I have much better judgement these days. This is why, as I've stated, I will try it as soon as it becomes reasonable to do so.

I think half the battle is creating and finding a compatible and understanding social group that is strong enough to support one's need for human interaction. Right now I don't have one, as my family couldn't understand it, but I'm looking. Once I have my own place, I will be secure enough in private, but perhaps if I met some people, maybe checked out an event or two, I could develop such a group. Unfortunately, such open mindedness can be hard to come by outside of the internet, but actually, I might know some people. hmm...

I've also been thinking about another interesting point. Sometimes people deal with difficult situations by creating phobias, and I'm no exception. For example, I have a great deal of difficultly allowing people to physically touch me beyond a handshake. Even holding my childhood teddy bears scares me in a way. However, with other problems, people do as I described before. They seek out that thing they lost in some way, trying to replace the chunk taken out of them and fill the emotional vacuum. In this way, desires, obsessions and fetishes are created. It's a very complimentary duality.

In any case, I'm just guessing that perhaps, most of us here lean toward the creation of desires, instead of the creation of fears. Certainly this is preferable though. I know I'd rather have things that I enjoy than things I'm terrified of, even if other people think it's crazy. They think phobias are crazy too, but those are generally accepted. In fact, perhaps this trait is indicative of a more developed society. After all, such behaviour moves past the initial pain immediately, and goes straight to the healing. If this is the case, then it's no surprise that such desires are far more common in Western countries.

Although, maybe such a state is itself a social transition. I imagine a place where people can express whatever desires and needs they have, so long as they are safe and reasonable. In this environment, one wouldn't worry about if you might desire something or another, you can always find acceptance. I imagine there would also be very little privacy as well, since if everyone knew everyone else's flaws, then they wouldn't be ashamed of theirs. All in all, this entire website might represent that slow change towards an open and self-healing society.

PS: I looked at the readme thing (after I posted ), and if this is getting too discussiony, then feel free to move it, admin person.

[Incomplete Dude]

Well, I've been thinking about it a bit more, and now I think I have a solid conclusion.

Expanding on my previous point about the child's acceptance of and dealing with the unknown, it's clear that everyone exists in such a state throughout their lives. Certainly, as we grow older, we gain knowledge and insight into the nature of the world and ourselves. However, more often then not, such insight only clarifies how much remains unknown. It's quite possible that an adult, in fact, deals with many more unknowns and unanswered questions then a child. In this sense, an adult is simply a child that knows a lot, so one might say, we are all just babies with brains.

Thus, the question of how to live is not one of adulthood or childhood, but simply of good judgement and doing one's best. Of course, there is no way to say exactly what each particular judgement should result in, but a general principal can be developed. What follows is my best effort to this end:

To begin, it's clear that, from the atomic scale to our human relationships, we exist as interactions. Our thoughts are interactions in the brain, our relationships are social interactions, and if you believe in the soul, we interact with that too. One way or another, all perceptions, thoughts and actions can be shown to consist of interactions. Therefore, it can be said that we exist as incredibly complex living interactions.

Having established this, we can see that all of us, by our interactions with each other, form a greater entity that we call the society. We are as much a part of it as it's a part of us, and without any single person, it would not be the same. Thus, the society reflects the desires and actions of its members, since it is those members, and each one is important.

Now, the vast majority of people seek to survive, be happy and improve themselves. More generally, they desire good things to happen to them, and thus, they retract from the bad and embrace the good. Therefore, the society will desire and do the same, and in doing so, it maintains its health by maintaining the health of its members.

Clearly, there is two-way interaction of mutual improvement between the individual and the society. If one's actions improve the health of the society, the society rewards, and if one tries to destroy it, it takes away. Hence, we have the wealthy and the prisoner. Moreover, if one does improve the society, and this includes self-improvement, then the likelihood that one will have positive interactions with it also improves. Considering that almost all things of value, from money to teddy bears, come from the society one way or another, this is of great importance. In this way, even the most self-centred individual will tend to assist the society at large. Therefore, the rational person will simply strive to improve the society directly.

With this in mind, we have a guide on how to make judgements and take action. If there is net social benefit to the action, then it should be taken, and otherwise not. Also, care must be taken to consider future or continuing benefits and drawbacks. In particular, many forms of immediate gratification are intense, but of such short duration that they add surprisingly little in value. Finally, when information is too limited to see the social benefit, then this thing should be done in order to accumulate information on the results, thereby adding value. There are many other further extensions and derivations of this, and thus, we can create a comprehensive evaluation framework.

Using this, we can see the absurdity in so-called "normal" adults, males in particular, that often attach a negative perception towards supposedly "child-like" notions, such as cuteness, teddies and emotional openness. Certainly, it's entirely reasonable to turn something initially percieved as positive into a negative, if it turns out that there is a definite net negativity to it. However, what possible negativity could there be with the notion of cuteness, for example? It's clear that the vast majority of these "child-like" ideas have no substantial negative, but do have significant amounts of positives. Therefore, it is pure folly to artificially decree and reject them as negative. Instead, we must simply accept that they are good things with no age attached.

All in all, being an adult baby is not an abnormality, but rather, it is the natural human state. From our interactions with the unknown to the logical evaluation of its goodness, this result is consistently validated. Even so, this doesn't mean that good judgement needn't be applied. Rather, it makes it possible to fairly judge these kinds of desires, and certainly, some of them will fail this test. After all, every action in this world can be done to excess and destruction. Certainly, some aspects of infantilism carry a negative burden, such as the environmental load of diaper usage, the financial cost of related purchases, and the social weight of care. Still, even the most complete ABDL behaviour can be acceptable if it sufficiently improves the acting individual and their social environment. Clearly, it can be a very potent stress reliever, and enable tremendous personal discovery. Overall though, the many facets of the adult baby cannot be broadly swept aside as delusion, because they are very often perfectly reasonable, and moreover, there will always be parts of life in which we are unknowing and innocent babies.

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Also, I've had some related thoughts on dominance/submission. Personally, I like a bit of both, but was previously at a loss to explain exactly how. After a bit of thought, it became apparent that there are many decisions I must make, from my hair style to my choice of shirt, that I don't particularly care about. That is to say, of the options available, none are significantly better or worse to me. In these cases, I find it highly enjoyable to have another dictate to me what to do.

Additionally, this fits with my social model in that, while I may not be able to determine what choice is better, someone else may be able to. Therefore, I am obligated to give them that opportunity, and submit to their better judgement. At the same time, if it seems to me that a judgement is clear, I am obligated to express my opinion. In a trusting relationship, this creates a back and forth of dominance and submission that results in the mutual improvement of all parties involved, and that is a very desirable thing.

EDIT: I just noticed that there is a blog system here too, and this is sort of blog-like material. Personally, I don't care if it's in a blog or a thread, and therefore, I'll do whatever anyone cares to suggest.

[D_Rainger]

Hi, Incomplete Dude,

I can see that you are wrestling with a number of issues. I'm not too sure I completely understand what you are trying to say. Perhaps you are trying to justify your feelings toward diapers. At the outset, I must tell you that I am a diaper lover and not an adult baby. I can, however, understand why a person might find comfort in a regression to an earlier time in their lives including dependence on others to care for bodily needs. Whether that is good or bad must be decided by the individual. For me, diapers are a sexual matter pure and simple. As such, they don't impinge on all aspects of my life and I can spend the time necessary to obtain gratification and then it's done until the next time. I do find that there is beauty in simplicity.

Is diaper loving justifiable? From the Darwinian standpoint does diaper loving contribute to the survival of the species? I don't see how. Is diaper loving moral? From a Christian standpoint the Bible would say marriage is between one man and one woman and the injunction to fill the earth and subdue it is the primal doctrine for man and the earth. The two great commandments are Love God and Love Your Fellow Man. Does the diaper lover fullfll these moral laws? Does it bring honor to God? Are you encroaching on the freedoms of others by wearing diapers or practicing an Adult Baby lifestyle? These are the things a Christian must ponder. I am unsure about other religions.

Let me caution you that leaving home and having your own place is not an automatic cure. Weigh this option carefully. Leaving home just so you can practice a paraphilia is not a good reason. You still seem to need support psychologically and unless my guess is wrong, financially.

I have taken a much simpler approach to my love of diapers. I recognized early on that this is a part of me. It has at times been an addiction. I have not always practiced it. It finds expression from time to time. I use meticulous care. I don't share it with anybody (except here). I am able to function "normally" (if I must use that word) in the world outside. I no longer try to analyize myself. Something got switched or changed or misdirected in the "nurture" part of my nurture and nature experience. For the sake of the world around me I try to be careful not to hurt anyone with my "unnatural" interest in diapers. All in all, I live a satisfying life. I have goals and ambitions that lie far outside the realm of my hobby of diapers.

-D_Rainger

[Incomplete Dude]

Well, mostly, I'm trying to figure out the psychological basis in my case, which I have resolved to my satisfaction. Secondly, I'm a strongly logical person, as you can no doubt see, so yes, I'm trying to find justification. Again, I think I've answered it to my satisfaction.

Part of it, I suppose, is my perfectionism. I'm always seeking to improve myself, and I won't do something if I don't think it offers a substantial improvement. Thing is, I'm pretty good with cognitive therapy, self-hypnosis and other things, so if I truly felt that this was a bad thing, I would put an end to it, for better or worse. In fact, I've tried to do that before, and it didn't totally work. I mostly removed the DL part, but the AB part has remained.

To me, this is a clear indication that there's something more to it. Hence, I went looking, and the material above is the result. I mean, if there wasn't reasonable and justified merit to it, my subconscious mind would have dismantled the thought long ago. I'm just trying to figure out what that merit is exactly, and so far, it's become much clearer. Likely, the initial DL desires existed simply as an expression of my suppressed AB desires. Once I accepted them, the DL part seem to have just sort of dissolved, in the sexual sense that is. Although, I still want to wear them, it seems to be just because I find them comfortable. I'm not 100% sure, of course, since I can't actually wear them at home.

Also, I'd move away from home more a million other reasons then to express myself, lol. My family can be aggravating, and I like my space.

[Pipsqueak]

IncompleteDude, after many years of trying to figure out why I am the way I am, I discovered that just accepting that I love diapers and being babied, and that I'm not hurting anyone else in the process, made a big difference. Analyzing and intellectualizing the situation to death, while giving you some possible reasons you may have developed this behaviour in the first place, will not actually lead to the behaviour going away.

As long as you don't let this part of you take over and impact your daily life to such an extent that you're no longer functioning the way you should be, then there's nothing to worry about. When some people get stressed out they soak in a bubble bath, some people hit the gym, others put on a diaper. If it helps you cope there's no real harm in it. Everything in moderation.

As for the dependence/independence and dominant/submissive aspects, I don't think you'll find that's all that uncommon. I think emotionally we really crave a happy medium. If you're too controlled, too independent all the time (on the surface), you're out of balance and that dependent streak will start hollering. That's how it is with me, anyway.

Try saying to yourself: "This is me, and I'm okay with that." If you accept the things in yourself that you see as less desirable - because none of us is all good or all bad - those things start having less of an impact on you.

[Incomplete Dude]

I think you nailed it Pipsqueak!

That's what I've been thinking. It's just a matter of accepting myself, and this logical process is just my way of determining my limits.

As for the happy medium thing, I just look at my father to see how too much control is terrible for a person. He's all full of phobias, bad habits and gets angry real easy. I do not want to be like him, in that sense (he has a number of good qualities too, like his business skills and his charity).

Unfortunately, I think some of his control freakiness has rubbed off on me, and it's not entirely his fault either. The bullying I've experienced did a lot to further the damage. In any case, now I have to re-learn how to accept myself and the uncontrolled things in the world and in me. This AB thing, and probably all significant emotional desires, fall into that category, I think.

[Incomplete Dude]

So today I told a good friend of mine about how I've been feeling, and it was interesting.

For one, I told him about it in a public library, and no one around me cared. Second, he didn't care either, and instead thought it was fairly reasonable. You would think this would be a relief for me, but noooo!

Instead, I was all the more unsettled, because I was so sure he'd at least think it a bit weird, even just slightly. I had worked out these perfect explanations and whatnot, but for what?! He didn't need to hear them, and was totally understanding. I felt like an idiot, and a part of my brain was like, "This is too good to be true!" However, he's a good guy and I have no reason to be paranoid, and it's not like there's anything I could do now if he told everyone, not that he would.

I don't know what to think now... but, I guess, despite becoming cool with being the AB type, I still need to learn how to be wrong (it's such a rare occurrence ). Although, at least now I have the understanding needed to deal with it. That is, I must also emotionally understand the logical basis I have constructed, and right now there seems to be a few cobwebs in there.

[SoCalGav]

Habeas corpus. Strap on a diaper, take a dump, see if it helps. You should also look into prescription marijuana.

[D_Rainger]

Geez, Incomplete Dude! Have you been listening at all?

-D_Rainger

[Incomplete Dude]

D_Rainger,

Don't worry, young people are much more open minded these days. I just saw my friend again today, and he thinks it's a perfectly respectable idea. Anyways, I feel fine about it now. I guess I just needed to see how silly my reaction was. Live and learn, as they say, noting that I've lived much less then you.

Also, part of me needs honest relationships, so I can't help but tell some people. I would suffer far more if I kept it a total secret, in complete paranoia of anyone finding out (been there, done that). In any case, I have my logical validation, but left untold, it only supports the delusion is this world. I feel a sense of social responsibility to help correct this. Of course, some truths must be carefully delivered, and I do this. Overall, I refuse to fear the unknown, and I demand to express all truths I discover, for I am certain this is for the best.

SoCalGav,

I'm sorry the way I am disturbs you. Although, the context of your post makes your reaction humorous in a self-deprecating way. Thus, I thank you for your efforts to improve my social stature. After all, humility is a virtue, intended or not.

[Guest katiekat01]

D_rainger,

It is a fact that ppl with ADHD r extremely intellegent. The problem is that they also have a clear sence of being socally excepted. So hence, they feel that they have a need to explain too ppl how they feel, (and thats about any given subject) letting ppl know things about themselves and their feelings is an outlet that many (so called normal ppl) cannot really acheive. Is there anything wrong with that? too some there is, but too others there isn't. I was diagnosed with ADHD when i was very young. lol i was extremely talkitive, and trusted everyone. (untill i was 4, and then i lost most of my hearing) I had taught my self the alphabet and the sounds they made at the age of 2, was reading dr suess at 3, and by the time i started kindergarten, i was reading 3rd grade level. When i was in 7th grade was given an I.Q. test, and scored 155. comprehension and logics, I scored 100% in.

Ppl with ADHD do in fact listen, but just the fact that we listen, does not in the least mean that we will act in the manner that u or others think that we should. We see things in other prospectives then the so called normal ppl would.

we tend to be more trusting, more emotional, and more loveing then others, tho also we think more then a so called normal person. our brains work up to 3 times faster then others, sometimes to the effect that our own bodies cannot keep up with it. we are well known to store information and be able too recall things a lot better then others, theres just the flaw that we also require more emotional support then others. the suicide rate of ppl with ADHD is much higher then a person without, because we r more misunderstood.

we r very creative, and we have a great sence of humor, tho sometimes our creativeity and sence of humor gets us in trouble. sometimes the so called normal person will see into our creativity and humor a dark side. and yes, it is there, and it will always be, but on the whole most of us r quite capable of being a force of good to society.

so in closeing, what i was trying too get at, please do not take incomplete_dude to task, because he may very well not be able too help the fact that he has the need too speak about his diaper wearing.

heather

[Incomplete Dude]

You describe it very well KatieKat01. Further compounding this need for expression is extraordinary rejection I experienced during elementary school. As a result, my need for social expression and acceptance is both profound and scary. It can make things difficult, to be sure, but it's who I am.

Likewise, I have a high IQ, being tested at 147 in grade 5, but I'm fairly certain it's around 160 these days. Of course, IQ is not a good evaluation of a person's intellect anyways. Similarly, I could speak before I could walk, starting with a first phrase, not a word. Again, in kindergarden I could read 3rd grade material at least, I learned long division in grade one, placed 1st in my province in a grade 7 math contest, and so on. Lastly, I'm also extremely creative, often imagining and composing long narratives, complex scenes, music, architecture, paintings, programs, and the list goes on. Due to this, I see all situations from a number of perspectives. Perhaps this is why I'm so concerned about what other people think, since I can clearly imagine thinking those things. Even now, I worry that I may come off as arrogant or narcissistic, and that is entirely untrue.

Certainly, I dearly want emotional support, honesty and care. As good as I am at logic, it's these things that I value most, since they must exist for logic to flourish. However, because I have been so often outcast due to my differences from others, I have been forced to largely live without them. Sure, it means I can handle life's slings and arrows all the more, but it hasn't reduced the pain, only increased my tolerance. It's like you just have a bigger container to bottle it up in. This is still destructive, and no one should have to live like this imho.

Still, such bottling is a habit that must be undone, and that's my current trouble. I can't pretend I'm someone else anymore, just tolerating pain instead of finding happiness. It's a big shift and a challenge that I know is worth doing.

[SoCalGav]

In addition your grammar and punctuation are impeccable, you sir are a gentleman scholar.

_n_

[Guest katiekat01]

incomplete_dude i discribe it well cos i live with it everyday of my life tell me. did ur theropist put u on coffee theropy when u were younger? mine did. He said the caffine had a oppisite effect on ppl like us.

heather

[Incomplete Dude]

Well, I only found out in the last few months, so for the last 20 years of my life, I've largely been blaming myself. I had no idea why I had such problems. Was it my intelligence or my lack of worth ethic? Turns out, it was ADHD, not that I was a failure, even though it caused me to fail many times. Although, it's funny watching old home videos of me as a kid, because the hyperactivity aspect of it is so obvious that I wonder how it was missed.

As for the caffine thing, no I didn't try it. I'm taking Adderall right now (aka amphetamine), since Ritalin had some nasty side effects, mostly nausea and tension. Now that I'm taking it, my old problems and work ethic issues haven't disappeared, but now I'm actually solving them.

The reason these stimulants work, as I've been told by my doctor, is because an ADHD person's brain isn't normally fully awake, so to speak. On an EEG machine, their brainwaves are biased towards alpha waves, the same seen in dreaming. It's supposed that this is why an ADHD person day-dreams so much and is easily distracted. It's like the self-control parts of the brain are sort of dazed, and the stimulant wakes it up.

Also, one theory that I read was that an ADHD person's brain does not respond to dopamine properly, so stimulants correct this by causing an increase in dopamine levels. In particular, it presented evidence that the hyperactivity part was a lack of dopamine receptors in the part of the brain that inhibits movement. The theory supposed that the congitive/attention aspects where due to some kind of similar problem in the cerebral cortex, explaining why higher doses of stimulants are needed to rectify this, since those neurons are relative insensitive to dopamine. Of course, this is a theory, but it seemed reasonable when I read it.

Anyways, these emotional issues I have now are just one problem of many, which include organisation, punctuality, dealing with mundane tasks, etc... However, I feel I am making excellent progress. Just today, I noticed that often I go mentally numb. That is, I disassociate from myself, and thereby, I block out all feelings, good or bad. Certainly, I still have them underneath, because after I do something stressful, they bubble up. I suppose this is a defense mechanism that I learned when I was being bullied. Now that I'm more clearly aware of it, I can turn it off with focus and effort. When I do, it's amazing, and I feel like a whole person again.

Of course, now I have to understand these feelings that I've ignored for so long. For example, I noticed that I base many of my decisions on fear alone, and forget to consider the positives. Again, there is this discomfort with the unknown that I mentioned before. Also, I have a strong fear of rejection by others, sometimes almost a paranoia. One result of this is my need for precision English, as I'm often scared of being misunderstood. Generally, I seem to focus on what I know I don't know, and fail to consider all my knowledge, even if that missing information is unreasonably difficult to procure.

Fortunately, I have experience with cognitive therapy, so I know I can manage this. In fact, just writing this down is a kind of therapy really, which I guess is why I write so much. However, it is hard when you ask yourself how you're feeling, only to find nothing, and that you're just going through the motions, like a robot. Then, when you try to tear this wall down, you have a flash of anxiety so potent, you can barely remember what you were thinking about for the last minute or so. Still, these barriers will eventually stop building themselves up, and this reward is worth the effort.