Somewhat Unsure . . .

[irreverent praxis]

Hey all,

I am not really sure what I hope to get out of making this account--I have lurked this forum for almost a year without feeling any particular need to join. In any event, since I have done so, I may as well make some introductions.

I am a uni student studying computing, active member in my local queer community, sometime chorister, and strong believer in the Oxford comma. : P To unpack some of the above, computers are cool and from about eight onwards were my favourite toys. I am an agendered asexual (the drop down in sign up could afford an I don't play that game option of some kind, n/a or some such if agendered is too uncommon to get its own entry) and I have done a little bit of visibility work for both as well as volunteer work in queer organizations more generally. For those who care, I experience non-sexual attraction to both men and women but experience sexual feelings for no-one. I love singing; music brings a particular vitality to life and I don't know what I would do without it. Finally, I am something of a lit geek and have been known to read the likes of Foucault, Derrida, and Baurdillard for fun. If I write like a textbook at times, its probably because I was just reading one.

As to where I fall with regards to being on this site, I am definitively a DL but I have trouble deciding where I sit exactly with being little. I am very playful, prone to bouts of cuteness, and I have a particular affinity for swing sets. I often tell people that I just grow up slower than everyone else, I am the root of my age. For reference, I was a very precocious child and came up with that around that time it would have meant three and a half though I am happy with five now. The thing is, it is not age play. As a matter of my own brand of personal ethics (see epicureanism, transhumanism, post-modernism), I refuse to relegate functions of happiness to age categories. Playing with k'nex makes me happy so it is fundamentally appropriate to my age (or any other trait of my being). When I say I am five, it is most often a shorthand for "I like to play and be highly affectionate" or "I am deliberately choosing to treat the world as if it deserves innocence." That said, I like the idea of a more deliberate age play, it just isn't really a part of my experience to date.

I spoiled what follows as it ended up really rather quite long.

To return to diapers, I have been fascinated by them since I was barely out of them. In a very technical sense of the word, that is, a cathected object, I have had a fetish for them for almost literally as long as I remember. In point of fact, my oldest memory still has me wearing them normally and involves climbing a pile of furniture to get at some gold coloured coasters on display above the fireplace, however, amongst my oldest memories is a time when I was around three and a half sitting in front of my parents bedroom door feeling very frustrated because I wanted to ask them to give me diapers like my little sister but felt that it would be wrong for some reason. I may have been too young to have a precise understanding of taboo (and certainly didn't have the word) but I knew that it was not acceptable for someone who had successfully trained to use a toilet to want to be in diapers again.

When my little brother was born, I was a bit more sophisticated and just took the diapers I wanted. At that point I was too bound up in a moralization that taught me it was wrong so I didn't wear them often but I kept a stash of them hidden in my room. I would wear them from time to time, but didn't ever use them, I just enjoyed the sense of ease and tranquilty they gave me, a certain sense of something become right that didn't even exist to be wrong when I was not wearing. I felt incredibly guilty for having them and wanting them and at one point forced myself to mess one as a sort of punishment. It was way too small for me, just barely large enough that I could get it closed, and of course it leaked. The sensation of shame was so pronounced and traumatic that as much as I sometimes thought about diapers again afterwards, it was years before I would consider wearing them.

The turning point was when I was around twelve. My little brother was unique in my family in that he was a bed wetter. My sister and I were both fully toilet trained by three years old but it was not until the first years of high school that my brother was entirely able to get through the night. In any event, that meant that until I was almost nineteen there were always goodnites in the house. Twelve was significant because that was when I had the somewhat horrifying experience of a wet dream. In retrospect, not that big of a deal, but the fact that my body had betrayed me by getting 'sex stuff' all over my PJs while I was sleeping was really troubling to my twelve year old self. My logic was simple, if I was going to involuntary emissions of any sort while I was sleeping, I needed the appropriate sleepwear. I started stealing my brother's goodnites at first with a genuine desire towards protecting myself, but eventually because I rediscovered liking them. At some point I figured out that by making those 'emissions' voluntary during the day once every few weeks I could prevent them being an issue at night but by then I was wearing again because of that sense of rightness.

At this point I still felt it was very wrong and the fact that I was stealing them from my brother did not help. Eventually I came to the same conclusion I did when I was seven and punished myself by forcing myself to use them. This time, however, I just wet myself and, while there was no shortage of shame, I found that I liked that. This made my relationship with them somewhat more complicated for a time. As I said right at the very beginning, I am asexual. I didn't have language, or even really a need for it, for the idea at the time, but the fact was nothing (or rather nobody) really 'turned me on.' I would manually stimulate myself from time to time but, while that felt pleasant, it was only really with an eye towards avoiding wet dreams. With wetting diapers, however, I found something that got to me. Suddenly I wanted to play with myself whenever I was wearing and particularly when I made myself wet, which still retained the trappings of a sort of ritual punishment but rapidly lost its edge.

The whole time I had a very mixed relationship with it. I was deeply ashamed and felt guilty for stealing them and as much as I told myself I was punishing myself by making myself wet once a month or so, I knew that was a sham and wouldn't have actually absolved me even if I was enjoying it on some level. It was almost a relief when my brother finally outgrew bed wetting and my supply was cut off. It honestly didn't occur to me that I could just buy my own, it had been fun, diapers were over.

A few years later, I saw an episode of CSI where the victim had been some form of ABDL and that shocked the hell out of me. It had never even really occurred to me that what I had been engaging in was fetish activity or that other people would be into it, however, there it was. From that point I fantasized a lot about getting diapers for myself, but I didn't do it. When my brother had been wetting the bed it had been easy to hide what I had used amongst what he had, it simply wouldn't be possible to hide used diapers or pull-ups in the trash now, at least not and have a guarantee that no-one would find out. When I moved out, however, after a few months, I realized that that restriction no longer existed and for the last year and a bit I have been buying them. I am touch more mature than I was when I was a teenager and don't have the same sense of shame about wetting though a few experiments confirmed the experience I had at seven--messing is not for me (though it might have a place in sub/dom play if I found a partner who wanted to 'force' the issue). I still like to wear my diaper dry for as long as possible, that sense of comfort and 'rightness' seems only associated with that, but I pretty inevitably wet now and will wear wet for an hour or so before I feel the need to take it off.

As I said before, I don't entirely know why I made this account. I guess it partially has to do with a desire for people I can talk to about this stuff. Having been out in so many ways in the queer community for so long, it irks me to closeted about any part of my identity, but I feel that I would substantially loose some degree of respect from those I care about if I were to expose this part of myself. If I am entirely honest, there might be some degree of hopefulness for a partner who understands this part of myself, but frankly that is not a high priority at this point in my life. Regardless, this community seems populated by nice folk. I look forward to getting to know you.

[gah!ghost]

Hey welcome to the forum. Read everything but the spoiler bit which I will also read. Nice to meet another asexual. Don't run into them a lot even on here. I'm right there with you about being irked by being closeted about anything. The DL aspect of myself is literally the only thing I am not totally open with even strangers about.

I assume based on your comments about a partner you're looking for that sort of thing? I myself I think fall towards the extremes of asexuality with having no interest in even that. I'm looking for friends but nothing else beyond that.

I'd suggest maybe checking out chat. I posted on here for quite awhile before getting up the nerve to join chat but once i did I found it far easier and faster to get to know people in that environment rather than the forums. I've met quite a few people there that I am very fond of and would now consider friends.