Fighting Back

[Guest Sasha]

As some of you may know, I've been seriously wounded by someone I have loved and trusted for a fair portion of my life. Since his departure and events surrounding it, I have struggled for the first time in my life. That's not to say my life was easy or that I didn't need to try. I was born with two terrible and life-threatening illnesses. living in hospital rooms, being raised by intolerant and harsh parents wasn't fun or easy, but I usually kept my head held high. I graduated from high school and college with honors, I've travelled the nation and beyond, I had my soulmate,, I was named Assistant Captain of my hockey team and was an award winner.

I was proud. In the good and bad sense of the word. I was confident and cocky. A jerk, bullheaded, stubborn, arrogant, pompous, bombastic and any other adjective you can think of. I was a god on four wheels. I felt I had the world by the balls. I oozed pride.

After he left, I felt a feeling I've never before felt - failure. I had lost, Something cracked, broke, smashed in me that day. I lost more than justt my love, more than just my soulmate, more than just my fiance. I had lost myself. I was stripped of my strength, my pride, my tough-ass attitude. I was...vulnerable, weak, lost. My lion heart was reduced to nothing more than a beaten puppy. The one who gave me my strength,, my confidence, who I trusted my life with, my hope for a future, was not only gone, but was gone because of me. Gods do bleed.

I crashed and burned. Who am I? How could I have failed so badly? I cried for weeks on end. I struggled with suicide (and still do most days). I hated my life but mostt of all, I hated myself. Who am I? I started to think inward. I stripped away my parents' racism and homophobia and discovered I'm bisexual. I came out publicly that I am a pagan ahd don't believe in God. I'm not only a Daddy or a kid, I am both. I'm no longer who my parents forced me to be. No longer something I felt pressured to be. I am me. I am Zach. I am Rex..

Now, I feel bitter I had to experience this liberation alone. I'm angry he didn't stay to see me through. But also sad at the 'what ifs' and 'could have beens'. I aspire now to do things I always wanted to do: dye my hair, get inked and/or pierced, and find my own style. While I do still love him and always willl, he has moved on from what we shared and thus I am forced to do the same. I now pray the next boy or girl to win my heart loves me. The real me.

-Rexx

[Guest Jon]

Live and learn.... then get Luvs. You're 24. There's plety more where that came from.

[Bettypooh]

Coming out really isn't for everyone else, but as a means of freeing your own soul to fly to the heights it should reach That can only happen when you place yourself as your first priority and value yourself highly enough. And life -especially relationships- is a constant learning process. I have had and have blown two chances at true love because of me and I am determined that I will not let that happen again I lost because I wasn't really opening up with them- I was hiding a large part of myself so it was essentially my own fault that things didn't work I don't beat myself up over things like that anymore- life will beat me up enough anyway, and I am supposed to be the one looking out for and protecting me anyway- I refuse to beat myself up too

What you need to do is give your heart some time to heal, then move on in life a wiser and better person for the experience Heartbreak is never easy but it isn't fatal and the only cure is to try again. In life, success at anything is usually preceded by a string of losses and failures. You can't let that deter you if you want to succeed or you'll never succeed so cherish the good moments as memories, learn whatever you can from what has happened, then go forward seeking success once again, for you are well worth that amount of effort and you deserve success Only time will smooth things over so give life time for healing and go on with life- there are better things ahead for you but you will need to be there and be ready to accept them and deal with them when they show up. Give yourself that chance!

Bettypooh

[Guest Sasha]

That really helped, Betty. Thank you!