Thoughts/Feelings Overload!

[kitty45]

I am not sure what do anymore. I am so depressed. For a while, I was experiencing quite a 'high' for doing baby-like things, for wetting my diaper, or just even merely buying baby diapers was enough alone to give me some sort of satisfactory response to feeling good. I do not know if this makes sense. I just woke up so I am trying to make sense. I feel like such a 'bad girl' for doing these things to myself especially spanking myself at times..I am torn...I love the feelings that I get when I am in the midst of doing all the baby stuff. I don't just do it all to get that 'high'..its also to feel 'little' again. I know being small again is really important to me. I have had a long history of anorexia and bulimia, and there is something about that too about wanting to be LITTLE again. I feel like such a loser for wearing diapers especially wetting them. I feel tons of guilt and shame but the hard part is is t hat I really love doing what I am doing too....so its this catch22 situation. I am not sure how to deal with these uncomfortable feelings anymore. I keep thinking about getting a mommy to baby me...this makes me feel even that much worser...I just feel like an 'addict' with all of this. I have taken all this to the extreme..I would love to have a period where I could experience living as a baby for real IRL...Thinking that..just makes me feel shameful and pathetic. Sometimes I feel like I want to die inside..If anybody were to find out about this, I would be completely embarrassed and would want to hide and never show my face again...Anyway, I guess that is about it..sorry for the big paragraph.. I have a diaper on now...all this morning, I kept thinking maybe I should take it off but I just couldn't...I feel these overpowered feelings inside to do the 'right' thing as a baby girl.. UGH.

[malus_infantia]

Just a forewarning. These are just my thoughts. Not knowing you, I could easily be off base with a lot of this. No offense intended. Take this as you will.

Profound ambivalence is pretty common among age players and infantilists. It's the taboo nature of what it is that we do that drives that ambivalence. The rush of buying diapers for yourself, the thrill of wetting your diapers and acting like a baby, provide their pleasures in part because you are breaking those taboos (i.e. that an adult should not be a child) and also in part because you are being true to yourself - your wants, needs, and desires. That guileless joy mixes with a kind of antinomian behavior which, in my opinion, makes the highs exceptionally high, and the lows pretty damned low.

You're going to be plagued by questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I want these things? Why do I feel ashamed and pathetic? By addressing these questions, even with a "I don't know why yet" or "I don't think I need to know why just yet", might help assuage some of the guilt. So, having a good, systematic think on things might help.

You feel the way you feel, and you want the things you want. Fortunately, you're wants do not fall into the physically dangerous or criminal. If you strip away the societal pressure to feel revulsion and shame about your infantilistic desires, is there anything within you that makes you feel low?

Your struggle with anorexia and bullima indicates a deep seated dissatisfaction with yourself. In being physically little you might hope to reach a point where your form is finally perfect. The ideal weight and shape, an ideal that is always out of reach. The desire to be emotionally little, to be in a baby state, wherein you are loved and nutured by a mommy ties into that. When you are small and loved, mommy will love you no matter what, and your sense of physical identity can be aligned with your desire for that sense of unconditional love, care, and tenderness. Whatever hatred you have for yourself, or parts of yourself, is obviated by the external assurance of mommy.

Yet when you feel that desire and day-dream/fantasize about it, you're reflexively slapped in the face with a sense of your own deviance. Which makes you feel awful, which then makes you want to seek comfort, and you seek comfort in diapers and baby things. And the whole thing just exacerbates itself. The whole thing is tricky.

All that said...in the meantime, be decisive. This morning, you're wearing a diaper. Committ yourself to enjoying it. Watch some my little pony, take time and care in changing yourself...enjoy it. Think about big kid things when you're a big kid.

Good luck!

[kitty45]

^^I didn't take any offense to anything that you have written above! :-) I thought your reply was well-articulated and encouraging rather than be degradiing.Everything that you wrote makes sense...I am so scared that anybody would find it. It terrifies me actually.

Thanks again for all that you wrote. I appreciated it more than you know

[ragdollgirl]

Hi. I'm new to this forum. This reply is a few months late...so maybe it's irrelevant now. Either way, I hope you're doing better...and take or leave any of this as you wish! There was quite a bit that you said that resonnated with me. I like the feeling "little" aspect. I also have an extensive anorexia and bulimia history. And I have the shame about the baby stuff (among other things!). I too want to experience being a baby for real...I desperately want a mommy. I cry about it every night and have been getting increasingly depressed about it. And more and more ashamed.

I don't have any answer for you (wish I did!) but, you're not alone. Just a couple days ago I didn't even know there were names for any of this...AB, DL, etc. I had no idea! I've felt "little" for a long, long time, and I thought I was totally crazy (still have shame/crazy feelings but that's a different issue). I've been crying every night for a while for a mommy to hug me, rock me to sleep, feed me, protect me, read to me, and that sort of thing. I have a doll that I take almost everywhere with me (I hide her in my backpack quite a bit). Some people know about her and I think just my doll makes them uncomfortable. I eat baby food. My therapist knows about all this (I asked her to be my mommy or my doll's mommy...she said no. I don't know if she knows about AB, DL, etc.). I don't wear diapers..never occurred to me....but anyway..the point is that I did/do have shame about all of it and an INTENSE longing/desire to be a baby for real and have a mommy...but the good thing is that we're not alone. It helps me a little bit to know there are others like me (makes me sad, though, too, because others are also full of longing, and/or shame, etc. )

I know I cannot relate to you perfectly, as we all are different people with different sets of circumstances/lives even if we can relate. Malus_Infantia's words seem very good to me! I think the whole thing is a process...a process of understanding yourself, healing in ways that need to be healed, accepting things that are OK, and sorting out the difference! I know for me the process of knowing myself and loving myself is still going on...and a huge battle, usually...because I have so much shame, self-hate about lots of things...which I've been working on getting away from that ingrained sense of shame. It's hard. I don't feel safe to be me, but I know I should, and that includes having a doll, blankies, my baby desires, etc. As was said, it's not anything harmful to you or anyone else! I don't know about you, but for me some of the shame with all of this has to do with how, in my mind, it's just one more thing that people would think I'm crazy for if they knew. The eating disorder, self harm, and other stuff I have shame about. I know the baby stuff isn't anything bad I'm doing...I mean, I could be doing LOTS of bad coping things....so part of it is society's views etc. I guess. I suppose the answer is to ignore that and just be yourself and whatnot, but I know for me that's easier said than done.

I have the least shame about my doll, and when I'm holding her, talking to her, cuddling with her at night with less shame than other things I feel much safer and ok, not perfect at all cuz I'll still be crying...but trying to enjoy whatever baby thing you're doing...wearing a diaper and whatever else...I think is also something good that was said. Even if you can enjoy it just sometimes...don't beat yourself up if you can't get rid of the shame all the time. I know I haven't been able to get rid of shame the first time I try.

Be gentle with yourself.

Allow mistakes.

Allow confusion.

Allow questions.

Tell yourself you are good and perfect just as you are

and that is ok to be wherever you are at...if that is confused,

sad, mad, happy, whatever it is, it's ok!

And allow play time

Hope your journey is going smoother than when you posted!!