ragdollgirl

I could have said all that myself It makes me sad that so many of us are hurting. I also hope you can find that friend or someone to baby you!!!

Hi. I'm new to this forum. This reply is a few months late...so maybe it's irrelevant now. Either way, I hope you're doing better...and take or leave any of this as you wish! There was quite a bit that you said that resonnated with me. I like the feeling "little" aspect. I also have an extensive anorexia and bulimia history. And I have the shame about the baby stuff (among other things!). I too want to experience being a baby for real...I desperately want a mommy. I cry about it every night and have been getting increasingly depressed about it. And more and more ashamed. I don't have any answer for you (wish I did!) but, you're not alone. Just a couple days ago I didn't even know there were names for any of this...AB, DL, etc. I had no idea! I've felt "little" for a long, long time, and I thought I was totally crazy (still have shame/crazy feelings but that's a different issue). I've been crying every night for a while for a mommy to hug me, rock me to sleep, feed me, protect me, read to me, and that sort of thing. I have a doll that I take almost everywhere with me (I hide her in my backpack quite a bit). Some people know about her and I think just my doll makes them uncomfortable. I eat baby food. My therapist knows about all this (I asked her to be my mommy or my doll's mommy...she said no. I don't know if she knows about AB, DL, etc.). I don't wear diapers..never occurred to me....but anyway..the point is that I did/do have shame about all of it and an INTENSE longing/desire to be a baby for real and have a mommy...but the good thing is that we're not alone. It helps me a little bit to know there are others like me (makes me sad, though, too, because others are also full of longing, and/or shame, etc. ) I know I cannot relate to you perfectly, as we all are different people with different sets of circumstances/lives even if we can relate. Malus_Infantia's words seem very good to me! I think the whole thing is a process...a process of understanding yourself, healing in ways that need to be healed, accepting things that are OK, and sorting out the difference! I know for me the process of knowing myself and loving myself is still going on...and a huge battle, usually...because I have so much shame, self-hate about lots of things...which I've been working on getting away from that ingrained sense of shame. It's hard. I don't feel safe to be me, but I know I should, and that includes having a doll, blankies, my baby desires, etc. As was said, it's not anything harmful to you or anyone else! I don't know about you, but for me some of the shame with all of this has to do with how, in my mind, it's just one more thing that people would think I'm crazy for if they knew. The eating disorder, self harm, and other stuff I have shame about. I know the baby stuff isn't anything bad I'm doing...I mean, I could be doing LOTS of bad coping things....so part of it is society's views etc. I guess. I suppose the answer is to ignore that and just be yourself and whatnot, but I know for me that's easier said than done. I have the least shame about my doll, and when I'm holding her, talking to her, cuddling with her at night with less shame than other things I feel much safer and ok, not perfect at all cuz I'll still be crying...but trying to enjoy whatever baby thing you're doing...wearing a diaper and whatever else...I think is also something good that was said. Even if you can enjoy it just sometimes...don't beat yourself up if you can't get rid of the shame all the time. I know I haven't been able to get rid of shame the first time I try. Be gentle with yourself. Allow mistakes. Allow confusion. Allow questions. Tell yourself you are good and perfect just as you are and that is ok to be wherever you are at...if that is confused, sad, mad, happy, whatever it is, it's ok! And allow play time Hope your journey is going smoother than when you posted!!

...just an AB girl (and her doll) wishing desperately for a mommy...to rock me to sleep, hug and hold me, feed me, read me stories, protect me. Hopefully there's a mommy out there somewhere for me...

Hi everyone. I'm not sure what all to say. I'm new to this. I've been an AB for a long time...except that I didn't know it had a name or anything! I just thought I was crazy...wanting a mommy to rock me to sleep, feed me, hug me, read to me, and that sort of thing when I'm not even a baby..and crying about it a lot I tried googling to find a mommy..not expecting to find anything at all, and I come to find all of this! So that's pretty cool!