Was It Something I Said?

[Horndog]

This has been bothering me for years. Finally, I'm able to put it into words.

I'm a writer, and the way I phrase things often comes across as pretentious to some people. I have a sense of humor, which naturally rolls off the tongue in a conversation. I'm also very stream-of-consciousness. I say whatever is on my mind for the most part, and take into consideration people's sensitivities. I can have a normal conversation with someone, and suddenly the person I'm having a conversation with becomes irate. These people don't often tell me what the offensive remark was when I ask them. If the offending statements are glaringly obvious, they make no attempt to point me in the right direction to where the offense was taken. By the end of these conversations, I feel like an insensitive dope -- not knowing what I said or did that provoked them to act negatively toward me.

After I turned 18, I became more comfortable with who I am, and what I say. I realized that if I had to hold back every time I talked to somebody, I was restricting myself unnecessarily. I observe political correctness, and try my best to stay well within the boundaries of decency. Nonetheless, there are some people that just snap, and disappear. In a recent case, I was talking to a person on instant messenger one moment, and the next I'm blocked. There was no, "Hey man, that crossed the line," or "You know what? I'm not comfortable with this subject." Though in the back of my mind, I know that if these people flip off the handle so easily and refuse to talk about issues that sprout up between them and I, I shouldn't bother with them in the first place. At the same time, it's disheartening. I don't like not knowing what I did wrong. It bothers me. It makes me not want to talk to anyone at all.

Most people I interact with don't have a problem with me -- or at least they don't show that they do. But there are others, especially AB/DLs, who have these invisible DOs and DO NOTs that I'm aware of. It's frustrating.

[J Y F]

I feel I can identify with your situation to quite a degree having been on the extreme end of social awkwardness in my first couple of years in high school. I couldn't carry a conversation, was excessively opinionated, and would often act nonsensically or very immaturely. Though it was probably because of this lengthy awkward stage that I've become a self help junkie and have, at least in my opinion, greatly improved my communication skills in the last 5 years.

From all of this I have come to many conclusions, one of the more important ones probably being that nonsexual conversations should typically have the overarching goal of making sure all participants are comfortable in order to improve relationships. From this, I found after a lot of practice that really any reasonable conversation can be made extremely nonoffensive and enjoyable through improved word choice and emotional self-awareness.

What I feel like we need to know from you are the specific instances in which people tell you that "you've crossed the line" or "I'm not comfortable with this subject." For example, what topic were you talking about and how were you talking about it? What kind of emotions did you feel and showcase?

I've found that all those embarrassing, regretful conversations really need to be analyzed on a case by case basis since conversation is simply too complicated to have simply a few major guidelines. At the very least that's what I did and I've been getting better and better conversations as the years roll by.

Also, I don't fully buy the idea that repression of oneself should not be done around friends. I think we can all agree that those people who showcase the abdl fetish by actions like walking around the mall in full fetish gear are condemnable for forcing their weird fetish on others whether they be close friends or not. I can argue that this is no different than focusing on an offensive conversational topic such as something extreme like... cannibalism at a restaurant or sex at a preschool. Every rational person already restricts themselves in conversation and in public in general. We only feel its wrong when we consciously notice it such as when we have to avoid an offensive topic with a friend. To not restrict oneself is in my opinion quite selfish.

[LILJIM]

J Y F has it right there are times we should restict ourselves. Not all subjects go everywhere! I'm a talker but at times I have to limit myself subject wise or time wise; or opinion wise. My daughter meet someone & stated later they were a "one upper". Whatever was done he did it better. We all know at least one of those!!!

[missyD]

One thing that I find is that we lose the nuances of our conversation when we communicated electronically. I too am blessed ( or cursed ) with a turn of phrase, and a penchant for sarcasm and irony. Unfortunately sarcasm and irony doesn't always manifest itself successfully through cyberspace, and often we aren't aware of the recipient's level of education. What seems to some like a brilliant piece of wordsmithing might seem downright insulting to others, so I have learned to be a bit careful.

[Horndog]

missyD, I think you hit the nail on the head.

I have a sense of humor, and I have a comedy background. When I talk to people, I have the hardest time being self-serious generally speaking. I poke fun at everything from my interests to my sexuality. I try my best to not be invasive. I enjoy a good conversation, and sometimes, I'll throw around a joke or two -- and suddenly, the energy shifts from congenial to congested. It's like, "What happened?" and I'll ask just that. Instead, I get put down. When it comes to cybercommunication, the nuances of language are lost, and everything is taken in a literal context.

ARGH!