My Story

[glycerine]

I've been waiting for some nice "off" time to write this, and since I'm on an Amtrak train heading cross country, this seems as good a time as any. Before I go on, I need to say that this is my story. What I've been through is unique to me. However, I do offer it as a cauntionary tale. As they say, "Your mileage may vary..."

Ever since I was an early teen I've been atracted to women's clothing. Of course, in those pre-internet days of the 60's I thought I was really weird and went through the typical cycles of attraction and revultion. By the time I was in my 20's I'd try to slip into some frilly things whenever I could secretively get away with it. Of course, this was all a Big Secret.

The "Big Secret". It became an even bigger secret in the mid 90's when the internet helped me to discover what I was: a cross dresser. But still, the secret held, especially to my (then) wife. That relationship, however, was on a downward spiral. On one emotional evening I told her what I was, and revealed to her that I'd been trying on her clothing. "I didn't sign up for this." was her reaction. Shortly after that, she moved out.

But, wonder of wonders, something amazing happened. I'd always had a hair-trigger temper. A violent, lashing-out, screaming temper. Suddenly, literally overnight, the temper evaporated. As best as I can figure, the three decades of the Big Secret were such a strain on me that my brain resolved it by making me angry. Friends commented on the sudden change in me. I was a new person.

By then search tools on the internet had improved to the point where I could do some serious searching and I lit upon Tri-Ess. Others like me! Living alone gave me the opportunity to dress in a way that I'd never been able to. Dress and actually go out in public as a woman! I began to use a breast pump, trying to get some decent boobs. I thought about hormones, but I'm enough of a science geek to be very cautious about putting something as strong as that in my body. Neverthe less, I was out the in public, in the mall, on business trips, around town, as "a girl".

By the early 0's I was in a great relationship with a woman who'd eventually become my wife. When I, with much trepidation, told her about my crossdressing her response was "how sweet", and that was that! Life was good.

Business, though, was not so good. It was a depressing time for me. Lot's of work stress. My doctor prescribed Zoloft.

In the same way the coming out to my ex-wife erased the anger from me, the Zoloft had an amazing effect: the dress-up and go-out desire simply evaporated. I still loved women's clothing, and never even though about giving up my nightgowns and pretty undies, but the desire to "present" as a woman, to almost "be" a woman had dissapeared.

I wrote a letter telling what had happened to my friends at Tri-Ess, but was viewed almost as a traitor by them. The idea that something as simple as an anti-depressent could change me so was anathema to them.

Was I "cured" of being a cross-dresser? Hardly. If I was, why was I still keeping my panties and nighties? Why couldn't I force myself to donate away all of my dresses?

Other posters in this forum have talkey about the "spectrum" of gender. Gender is in the brain. The way I read things is that whatever mix of connections and chemicals are in my skull made me what I was, and am. The first "coming-out" stabalized a hideous imbalance and made me a sane, non-angry, person for the first time since I hit puberty. The Zoloft was just as important. It leveled out the wild giddyness of my new-found femininity and brought it down to what I feel is my true state: a man that loves women, likes being feminine, but doesn't want to BE a woman.

Now to the "why" of writing this.

I've seen a lot of notes floating by here about self-administered hormones; desires to travel out-of-country where gender-changing surgery isn't so rigerously controled. I look at what I've been through in my 60 years and I look back at the twenty-something me. A lot of folks go though the correct route and find a physician / psycholgist that will help them truly explore their sexuality and help them to really know where they are in the gender spectrum. Others don't, and jump in with both feet into the "I'm a woman inside and I want to BE a woman" pond.

What I want to get across is that before any ireversible changes are made, be totally sure that the "real" you isn't a Zoloft away. I thought I was one thing, and it turns out I was something else. I'm not preaching any "rightness" or "wrongness" in any of this. Just make sure that before you start loading up on hormones or lopping off body parts, you're not just in a state of "giddy feminity".

That's about it. I'm sure a number of you are ready to throw things at me. A number will say I'm in denial. As I said at the start: "Your mileage may vary." Indeed it may.

[Bettypooh]

I have a similar story concerning crossdressing excepting relationships which have never worked out for me. I too ended up diagnosed with Clinical Depression later and went on meds (which I was able to get away from in time). But with me those meds didn't change the way I feel about my gender and my own need to transition. Other issues took that option away from me because for me transition was an option. I can stand life as a male, though I am far less happy this way. This is a facade, a mask for the world to see me as so that they can deal with me more easily. Those who know the real me know that this is not me and they know not to expect anything typically male from me. I lived a girls life outside of work for almost two years. It was right for me, more right than the life I led before. The day may still come when that becomes overwhelming and causes me to transition. I neither wish for or dread that day.

Along my gender journey I was (and to a smaller degree still am) blessed with the wisdom of numerous TG friends. I learned more than most people will ever know about the subject and I'm still current on the new information that occasionally comes along. I have seen at length and depth all aspects of the TG world on a personal level. I even ran a TG support group at one point. I noticed something that few others had and that even fewer could define- when you come to accept your being different and allow it the place in your life that it needs it is euphoric. You get so wrapped up in the good feelings and freedom that you lose touch with reality. You become prone to making bad decisions for yourself and others because you're not seeing things from the real perspective that you should be seeing from. It's a lot like getting drunk and having fun- you want the happiness to continue so you keep on drinking thinking that it will make the happiness continue. Soon you lose touch with the real world, then the fun ends for the night. It was great fun while it lasted but fantasies and misperceptions all come to an end at some point- then you have to deal with the stark reality of life. Bad choices made during this time-frame will haunt you forever.

I always counseled that this is not the time to make deep choices or ones that may have long-lasting effects. There's plenty of time to do that later on after the euphoria wears off. Countless are those I know who made bad choices then and wished to no avail later on that they hadn't. So many I know harbor a permanant bitterness because they did something they shouldn't have, or that they spent their limited savings on the wrong things which kept them from having the money for what they really needed later. A very few regret the unchangeable surgeries they had. This is why I always counselled that you need to deal with possible gender transition the proper way, following the WPATH (nee HBIGDA) guidelines. This is the rest of your life you're screwing with and you don't get a second chance if you screw up! Still there are (and always will be) some who cannot follow those guidelines. We cannot simply throw them away- we must help them too. This is why I posted the thread about in-house. Stopping HRT instantly is as dangerous to your mental health as doing HRT is to your physical health. You need both to survive. BTW, going to Thailand isn't a free pass to SRS. Even their Doctors and government require that you take the proper steps before you get that surgery. There will always be some doctors who don't follow the rules- unlike our TG brothers and sisters we should not make allowances for them. The potential harm they do is most often equaled by their lack of skill- second-rate here just doesn't cut it, especially when some die from it! Second rate here hurts our people. Like with in-house, the main reason people go to Thailand for SRS is because you can get top quality for a lower price there. As you well know most TG's have little money so that becomes a major issue. If you have money or insurance coverage there are equally good surgeons and HRT sources much closer to home that you should use.

I am glad that you are happy, though I think that even you would have to admit that your perception, while happier now, has been skewed though meds. If you stopped the Zoloft you would revert to your natural state. Maybe that's good, maybe not, but the 'you' on any drug is not completely the real 'you', thus one could have a valid argument against your position. By a stroke of fate and a lot of work I got away from my depression meds because they were creating someone I wasn't in me. Had my depression been any stronger I would not have been able to do this- I am one of the lucky ones. Life now for me has changed too. I don't go all-out to create a feminine look. I learned that for me it was not the appearance but the person inside that I needed to deal with. My ability to pass was necessary when I lived that life daily which I no longer do. The ability is still there though the skills are rusty. I find today's peace in having that life available to me if I need it again, and the need for that has diminished due to the reality that I cannot live that life happily at this point. That may change though it isn't likely. I choose to live as happily as I can for today and tomorrow since I think that's the best choice I can make. I make this choice without anything changing me or my perceptions. What I see and feel is uninhibited and unenhanced- this is reality, the real me, like it or not.

Obviously what is right for you isn't right for me, and for yourself you've made the best choices as have I. I will echo the importance of being absolutely certain of what you're doing before you do it which I think was your main point. TG isn't a game and there are no winners, but make the wrong choices and you can lose more than you imagine. It's a real pain to follow the right path of transition, and it was made that way intentionally to protect you. Transition, HRT, and SRS aren't guarantees of happiness forthcoming. What feels good may not be good. Never forget that this is the rest of your life you're screwing with and you don't get a second chance if you screw up! If you are worth the effort it takes to do this (and you are) then you are worth the effort it takes to do it right. Don't set Transition as a goal, set happiness as a goal, and accept that for some Transition is the only path leading there. If like me you have a choice then be very careful about what you do to yourself permanently. I have no regrets about what I've done- I wish I'd done a little more in fact but that's OK. I have many great friends to thank for helping me maintain my happiness, even my very life. I am indeed lucky for without them I would be miserable or not here at all.

Bettypooh

[glycerine]

...I am glad that you are happy, though I think that even you would have to admit that your perception, while happier now, has been skewed though meds. If you stopped the Zoloft you would revert to your natural state. Maybe that's good, maybe not, but the 'you' on any drug is not completely the real 'you', thus one could have a valid argument against your position. By a stroke of fate and a lot of work I got away from my depression meds because they were creating someone I wasn't in me. ...

Excellent note!

One thing, though, is that I do go off Zoloft on a regular basis, sometimes for months. The desire to full-time, out-in-public dressing hasn't returned. (Why on and off? When things are good, I'm off. When things are bad (house vandalized and living and in apartment for six months!) I'm back on.) As with the initial coming-out, the meds appear to have made a fundamental change in me.

I'll probably write some more later, but the customer that's paying for this trip awaits, and I've still got to shower and dress (!).

[soggy]

Excellent note!

One thing, though, is that I do go off Zoloft on a regular basis, sometimes for months. The desire to full-time, out-in-public dressing hasn't returned. (Why on and off? When things are good, I'm off. When things are bad (house vandalized and living and in apartment for six months!) I'm back on.) As with the initial coming-out, the meds appear to have made a fundamental change in me.

I'll probably write some more later, but the customer that's paying for this trip awaits, and I've still got to shower and dress (!).

the doctors have told me that it takes time to get the zoloft back into the system, if I'm off of it for a time.

What do you think? It does make sense tho. I've done zoloft for a short period.

[glycerine]

the doctors have told me that it takes time to get the zoloft back into the system, if I'm off of it for a time.

What do you think? It does make sense tho. I've done zoloft for a short period.

If I remember, it takes about 2 weeks for the zoloft to fully kick in...about as long to totally wear off.

Just renewed my Cialis today to counter one of the more obnoxious side effects of the zoloft.