Don'T Forget To Notice When You'Re Happy.

[BabyLex]

Greetings! It's been awhile since I've posted anything, for better or worse, however I thought I'd share some of my life with you.

As some of you may know I've spent the past few years as a premed struggling to get into medical school, despite some earlier academic difficulties. (That is to say I gave my finger to academia about 10 years ago, dropped out of school, which makes gaining admission to medical school just a litttttttle <hold two fingers close together> bit more challenging). Anyways, I'm now a medical student and am learning all sorts of great things.

For those who don't know, applications to medical school are due in August, which means waiting until December to find out if you got an interview and then if you did, doing your interview in January or February, and then waiting until May 15th to find out if you got in. Of course, most people apply to lots of schools and cross their fingers. I applied two years in a row and got 30+ rejections from 30+ schools both times. It was pretty heartbreaking. I'd invested so much of heart, soul, and identity into the project of going to medical school and been flat out rejected two years in a row. On the third year I applied to just one school and it turns out I got in!

--

We live in a society where doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is called “perseverance” when it works and “insanity” when it doesn’t.

Hmm, no note today saying there was a clerical error. I'm starting to think my admittance to med school was actually intentional. Ha! Must not be much of a medical school if they admitted me. I wonder what the problem is. Anyways, until they catch on, I should probably get to lecture.

Perhaps a little background is in order: my name is Lex and I applied to medical school three years in a row and despite the accumulated backlog of discouragement, I nevertheless find myself still riding the May 15th high marked by that magic day when I read my initial acceptanceletter from med school. The fact that my life involves going to medical school takes the sting out of my 6am wake up time (I'm still trying to get used to that). After I rub my eyes, slap the alarm *buzz-buzz*, roll off the edge of the foreign bed in my little furnished suite I’m renting for this first semester, and remember why my lover isn’t next to me and where I am (he's back home, while I'm spending my first semester on campus): I smile and cheerfully get ready for the day.

As many people do, I have my most meditative and brilliant moments of introspection in the sanctuary of universal insight that is the shower. Perhaps, this is because there is no way to properly document them and the majority of them are lost to the steamy warm water that washes away the ennui of worldly existence as I’m cleansed to experience the spiritual aspects of the world in 10 minute intervals before reaching for a towel. It’s in these moments that I continue to experience joy in the fact that I’m (finally) a medical student. For me, it’s been a long path against heavy odds to realize this quixotic dream would be realized, and despite it all: here I am. I still wonder if it’s due to some kind of clerical error or some bitter, old, retiring member of the admission committee showing his thinly veiled accumulated years of contempt towards his colleagues by championing my application as a final insult upon his exit.

I’d actually like some kind of answer: what changed between my first application and my third that made me somehow more appealing? Did the quality of my application go up or did the overall quality of the of applicants go down? I’ll probably never know, but in between moments of extreme insecurity and the contrary feelings of achievement, I enjoy each day and celebrate being in medical school.

Being a non-science major and a mature student does sometimes feel isolating. I oscillate between feeling inadequate in terms of my scientific competence and annoyed at the seemingly condescending pedagogical speeches on how to live as a functional adult. With my backpack full of books over my shoulder, a willing attitude and little ego I enjoy my PBL sessions, do my best to keep up in lecture, squint and try to overcome my colorblindness in histology, try to socialize with other med students at lunch, prepare for classes and feel the conflicting emotions of curiosity, intrigue, excitement, sadness, and an unsettling feeling about the nature of human nature during cadaver dissection. I’ve gotten involved in a few student groups with the intent of making new friends, doing something useful for the medical school, and trying keep my life balanced with non-medical activities. It’s still a little disorienting to finally be a med student. After 3 years of anonymous admission committees separating the med students from the other applicants I’d built a bit of an identity around being rejected.

I remember what it felt like each time I got the slough of letters in the mail, each envelope representing the potential to make my dreams come true or break my heart. The first one stings, then one gets used to thedepressing reality that it’ll be yet one more year until it’s even possible togo to medical school. A year is a long time, and as I reflect back on my life I’ve done a heck of a lot in a year’s time. A year waiting was a purgatory-like state of limbo where I was unable to commit to any project because I might get accepted to medical school. It was obnoxious, painful, depressing, humiliating, and stressful to say the least. But, despite all the difficulty: I’m here.

Now, I can see how an outsider may read the above as self indulgent melodrama, however these reflections have prompted me to take this opportunity as seriously as possible. I study carefully each night, stay on top of my commitments, do my utmost to be as professional and collaborative as possible, even as a student. I aim to be as respectful as I can of my position in medical school, because I know that there are thousands of people who havemade it clear that they would enthusiastically trade places with me. I feel alittle strange seeing students texting friends or playing on Facebook^tm during lecture or class. It seems disrespectful to all those who didn’t get into medical school, to the professor, to fellow students, and to future patients and colleagues. I’m finding a part of me still identifies with those who didn’tget into medical school and that empathy is a motivating force in my life to take full advantage of the opportunities in front of me.

It’s only been a month, and I do find parts of medical school challenging, but I feel not only that I am up the task, but I have a fierce commitment to honestly doing my utmost to succeed. Finally, I’m optimistic about my future as a student and as a doctor.

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I still enjoy coming home to my Baby Looney Tunes blanket on my bed (wrapped in a waterproof mattress cover) and my nappies, paci, babas, etc. It's a part of who I am, and each night is a special one to enjoy being my lil'self. However, I'm a major of fan of the separation of letting my lil'self have the time and space he needs to be small, vulnerable and innocent, while simultaneously taking my adult life as seriously as possible. The dichotomy offers both my adult self and my baby self to have what they need without ever stepping on another's toes. Now that isn't to say I don't have the Care Bears, Sonic the Hedgehog and my other favorites on my backpack. =)

I figure it's important for we ABDLs to tell each other about our successes. Too often it seems to be the negative aspects that rise to the forefront of our community, I figure it's healthy for us to remind each other of when things go well.

Anyways, I thought check in and tell y'all life is going great. Never give up on your dreams!

All the best!

--Lex

[curiositykilledthecat]

Any day in which my body still awakes is a success. When life is in a rut we have to find the small things to celebrate.

[packrat]

Kudos, BabyLex

I like your perspective on the events that have led up to this oppotunity. Keep walking on the sunny side of the street and you'll make a fine physician. Keep us posted on your progress.

Rat

[dl_ashlee]

It is the best when you persist and one of your goals works out. School for me seems like this every semester. I go in with a good attitude ready for the new semester. What sucks is not really knowing if you will actually pass and I really question if I am going to pass every semester, specially after midterms. And now is that time and now I have to push myself to make it happen. Then the nerve racking time between finals and actually finding out your grades. Then it is like OMFG I did pass, at least except for a few times. I really hope that won't happen again though, I'm so damn close to graduating.

[BabyLex]

Thanks all!

It's a beautiful thing to enjoy stimulation, challenge, and a sense of accomplishment each day.

I wish you the best in your endeavours and hope you remember to notice when you're happy :-)

Be well!

--Lex