Infantilism And Self Image

[brighteyes]

(Please note: This is a probe into my OWN self image, and how it relates to being an abdl. I'm interested to see whether others feel similarly and/or what they think on the matter.. I just want to be clear that I'm not accusing the whole community of having low self-esteem.)

Okay, so the topic here is self image and its bearing on infantilism. Self image, in this instance, defines one's perception of their own physical appearance and attractiveness to their preferred partners. I'm not really talking about gender identity, sexuality, etc, more just how a person perceives their own sex appeal (though those topics are certainly related). I also realize that there are countless reasons for people to be involved in this lifestyle, and no one thing can be pinpointed as the cause. I expect many people won't relate to this at all, it's simply my take on one of my own influences for being an abdl.

Soo, where to begin? Let's jump right into it- ess ee ex.

While sex is not important to all people, it is nevertheless a constant influence on their daily lives. Sex appeal, more precisely, is a terribly important factor in human interaction. Put simply, if you don't meet someone's copulation standards, they're less likely to be interested in you. It doesn't matter which corner of the world you live in, its an integral element of human culture. And rightly so- without sex, we would quickly die out. It's a way of passing down our genes, and, over time, improving our species' chance of survival. Because of this, sexual partnership has always been dictated by both members meeting certain standards. Having strong, healthy children means they're more likely to survive.. so, being a strong, healthy male means you're more likely to have kids like that, and thus women are attracted to you. The purpose of physical appearance is by no means limited to finding sexual partners, either. How you look can cause others to avoid you, befriend you, sell you volcano insurance, etc... or, as the case is for infants, it can make people want to take care of you.

Recently, this prejudice has turned into an obsession in human relationships, especially with the growing influence of media and its ridiculous standard of beauty. For me, watching countless hours of MuchMusic beat into my head that I don't look like a real man should- tall, handsome, and totally ripped. I've always been kind of young looking, and not in a particularly cute way.. you probably wouldn't spot me at the bar and say "Generic horndog comment." So since I look young, am kinda short, and am not muscly, I don't meet the classic standard of what a woman looks for in a man. I'm okay with this, especially since I'm an abdl, but it leads me to wonder.. am I an abdl because I look this way? I believe that yes, it's one of many contributing factors- that being an infantilist is, in some ways, a coping strategy for how I look.

See, when I was little I was the center of attention, like most babies are. My parents were very loving and affectionate and I became used to such luxuries. As I grew up, though, people gradually started to afford me less and less attention. I began to realize I wasn't the cutest kid on the planet, that babies were being born all the time to take my place as center of the universe.. And before I could even get used to that idea, I was thrown for another loop, this one brought on by a particularly gruesome human function- puberty. Suddenly I didn't care about being cute and little anymore, but being tough and manly. I wanted the attention of all the pretty girls, but I was far from the hottest guy in school. Throughout grades 9-12 I was in just one relationship, and didn't feel very good about my appearance or my sexual appeal to other people.

Fast forward to present day and it's pretty much the same. People seldom try to pick me up, and if they do they're usually kinky (what's up with that?). Most of my friends are guys because I don't feel attractive or interesting enough to talk to girls. If I go back to the start of my life, I can trace the deterioration of my self image as graduating from non-existent to comfortable, from comfortable to self-conscious, and from self-conscious to unfavourable.

So, where am I going with this? Well, I can think of a few ways that a negative self image might be related to infantilism: 1) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the knowledge that I was cute as a baby, 2) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the fact that I had little/no self-image as an infant, and 3) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the idea that I actually do look young for my age.

Let's deal with 'em one at a time..

1) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the knowledge that I was cute as a baby.

I was a cute baby. So were you. Have you seen an uncute baby? ..Didn't think so. We all start off that way. For many of us, this means being the center of attention, being doted on and smothered with love. People adore cute things, so when you're little everyone takes notice of you.. and then, oops! You grew up. What were you thinking? Well, some of you did it right- you're still attractive! That means that potential mates will flock to you. You won't be pampered or cared for in the same way as a baby, but you'll experience a new kind of affection.

But some people don't do so well at staying attractive. I'm one of those dolts. Despite our flaws, unbeautiful people get into relationships all the time, and many find love in their lifetimes. This hasn't happened for me, however, and it's gone to my head- convinced me I'll never find that kind of love.. So, what do I do? Maybe I'll join E-Harmony.. Or maybe I'll regress to a time when I was loved and cared for in that old pampering fashion- a time when people didn't judge me based on sex appeal. And what a huge release of pressure it is! I don't have to live up to anyone's copulation standards anymore.

So I think becoming an abdl makes sense as a coping strategy for not feeling desirable to others- I regress to a time in my life when I was "attractive," but in a non-sexual way.. "Attractive" in the sense that others are drawn to me because I act like a baby, and babies are cute and helpless. Perhaps this attraction will be strong enough that someone will want to care for me as I was cared for in my infancy. Since I've lost faith in my ability to attract sexual partners, this may seem a more likely way to feel loved again, and so I delve into infantilism.

2) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the fact that I had little/no self image as an infant.

This is not a matter of what I looked like as a child, but rather that when I was little I didn't care what I looked like. Babies don't know what sex is, nor do they really understand what physical appearance is. Indeed, at the first stages of life, their own bodies are as foreign to them as other peoples'. They're not even aware that they have a body, really, or what a body is. So regressing into a state of mind like that can be very soothing for someone who feels uncomfortable with their body.

I find that acting like a baby is enjoyable, but most of the time I'd rather be an excitable kid/toddler. Rather than having no understanding of physical appearance at all, its more a state of not finding it important. I don't remember the first few years of my life, but I do remember being a young child... I had very high self-esteem as a kid. I was bold, fit, and intelligent. Without the weight of self-consciousness, there was nothing in the way of me being satisfied with who I was.. but then once it hit me that other people care what I look like, I started to care, too.

The progress really picked up around- ugh, not this again- puberty. I recall that at around 6-8 years old I still hadn't grasped social norms.. and man was I a happy little guy. I wasn't self-conscious or afraid of physical contact, whereas now I really don't like people to get close to me. Back then, I'd give out hugs and kisses to all my friends, regardless of their gender. I wasn't afraid to be judged, largely because I didn't realize there were any judges.. but then, as I grew older, I learned that hugging and kissing other boys was "wrong." Then I learned if you wanted to kiss anybody you had to be very close with them, or in a relationship. Then I learned to be in a relationship with someone, you had to be appealing to them. Then finally, around the onset of adolescence, I learned I wasn't appealing to everyone... So, naturally, I thought to mineself, "Hmm.. I wish I was 6-8 again so I didn't give a fuck."

Even sexually, I kind of stalled at that childhood stage.. I'm still more interested in hugging and kissing someone than actually having sex with them. I've been in a couple, uh, "relationships," but I was always the one holding back on things.. Like, they'd have to ask me out, hold my hand, kiss me first, etc.

So, regressing could theoretically lead me back to a time in my life where I was comfortable with- or even unaware of- how I look.. In practice it doesn't quite do that, but diapers do dull my sexual impulses to a certain extent, which hints at them helping me withdraw from adulthood and its awarenesses.. though simultaneously, most of my fantasies revolve around the freakin' things. Weird, eh?

However, it's not like my abdl desires only developed after I discovered sexuality- when I was really little, before I had any idea what "sex" or "normal" meant, I was still interested in baby things. I remember trying on diapers when I was 4 or 5, and having accidents on purpose before I hit high school. Clearly, being the baby was already on my mind. But maybe those desires would have disappeared had I fit into my role in society. After all, I didn't fully realize that I'm an abdl until just a few months ago.

3) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the idea that I actually do look young for my age.

It's not like I look like a real baby or a child or anything.. but at 21, others do often think I'm still in high school. I'm 5'7" and 135 lbs, which is pretty average, but I was always the smallest boy in my class throughout elementary school. Maybe I missed out on all the growth hormone, I dunno- most of my friends are over 6'. Anyways, even looking just a couple years junior to what you are can be pretty devastating to a guy's love life. People treat you differently, like you're not as cool as them or worth their time. Do you remember in high school, how awesome the first guy to grow a beard was? Yeah, I still can't do that.

I think that looking young has caused significant motivation for my infantilism. For one, it could hint at a lack of manly grown-up hormones running through my veins, which could lead to me acting more childish, which could make me more prone to being an abdl. For two, most girls like older guys. What this means is that if I'm a young looking hombre, it's sometimes hard to find a partner. If I can't find love at this stage of my life, it might make sense to regress to a time when I was loved unconditionally (infancy/childhood), as I've already mentioned. For three, looking young usually means you're treated that way too. Being smaller than my friends back in grade school, I was usually given an easier time.. like, if I cried it was okay because I was the short kid- but if one of the tall, tough guys had a tear in his eye, it was a huge deal. In high school nobody really picked on me and I didn't get into any fights, while some of my friends often did (even the other short ones, but they had Little Man Syndrome). So me not living up to the manly gender role kind of opened things up for me.. I could act in a different way than my friends and it was okay.

I got used to it, too. It caused me to be immature in many ways.. I was rarely the one to get into trouble (though often the cause of it), never made tough decisions or took on responsibilities, etc.. and I didn't become aware of romance until much later than most of my buddies. I hit puberty at a pretty normal age, around 13 or 14, but most boys already have feelings for girls prior to that. I didn't- in grade 3 I found out a girl had a crush on me.. and proceeded to cry. So that leads me to believe that, since I was considered to be at a lower level of physical development because of how I looked, I stayed at a lower maturity level mentally, too.. And, perhaps due to years of being the immature kid, I developed a yearning to maintain that identity as I aged.

While I hated looking young for a long time, I'm glad of it now. Discovering my abdl side has led me to embrace the fact that I'm a short, slight guy. But whether that's the cause or simply circumstantial is up in the air. Would I still be an abdl if I was an attractive, manly dude? There are plenty of people who are like that, so it's hard to say. But I do think that, for me, my slow maturation (both physically and sexually) is likely one of the reasons I feel this way.

There's probably a million holes you could poke into this- go ahead, but I'll mention a couple first: I know plenty of people who have a less favourable self image than I do, and they're not abdls. I'm also quite sure that if I developed a positive view of myself now, I wouldn't lose my infantilist side. I'm just saying that everyone wants to be attractive, and if you don't meet the sexual standard, it might make sense to regress to the cute/helpless standard instead.

Well, what do you guys think? Is unhappiness with your physical image a factor in this lifestyle, or would you be this way regardless? Or maybe you're content with your appearance, but you're young looking and like to be treated as such? Perhaps how you look has nothing to do with it at all. Please share your thoughts!

[D_danny777]

omg so long o_0, sounds very intersting to say the least

[beallucanb]

I think being an AB or a DL is just a mechanism to avoid being with others.

For me it is just a past time I have in common with a few thousand people on the net, who in there own lives feel the same and are afraid of intimacy like myself.

Only the most outgoing are ever going to get anywhere, just like real life.

I didn't grow up in the diaper fetish I adopted it as a way to meet people online, I do enjoy it to some extent but my life is not consumed by it.

[Guest Poopy Wipes]

I don't really like wall of text explanations like this, generally because they aren't asked for. No one asked, so where did the need come from?

That being said, it's still too much thought on such a simple subject. We like to be babies. We like to wear and use diapers. That's it. Don't overcomplicate a field that isn't complicated at all.

[sarah_ab]

Well, what do you guys think? Is unhappiness with your physical image a factor in this lifestyle, or would you be this way regardless? Or maybe you're content with your appearance, but you're young looking and like to be treated as such? Perhaps how you look has nothing to do with it at all. Please share your thoughts!

Ok i will admit i read like hte first paragraph or two, then skipped to the bottom, nothing personal, just my eyes hurt....

I can say my 'physical image' has nothing to do with my involvement in age playing. Long before i discovered this, i was already very sexually active and enjoyed experimenting with all different sorts of things regarding sexual fetish's.

I learned a long time ago... being happy with who you are and where you are in life doesn't mean you can't strive for change. So i go to the gym every day, i eat healthy, and while i am seeking to change aspects of my physical appearance, i am incredibly happy in life.

I love myself, love my body, and seek to treat it better each and every day.

For me, being an ab is a form of being submissive.

However, i will say looks has an impact, for example, my boyfriend prefers bigger women, and i am a bigger woman, so while he may have been attracted to me on some level if i looked different, being bigger helped with his immediate attraction to me, and gave him the desire to get to know me on a more personal level, which led to our current relationship of 4 years.

[PrincessDragonette]

(Please note: This is a probe into my OWN self image, and how it relates to being an abdl. I'm interested to see whether others feel similarly and/or what they think on the matter.. I just want to be clear that I'm not accusing the whole community of having low self-esteem.)

This was an interesting post to read, I applaud the effort you've put into analyzing your interest in infantilism. I've not put that much thought into it myself.

My experience doesn't seem to be like yours, I don't look particularly young, actually I look far older than I am . I don't have any memory of being treated as a baby, my memory is a little faulty in that way. And I don't think that any child has a self-image, though I may be wrong.

Still, an interesting read and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Guest Poopy Wipes]

My experience doesn't seem to be like yours, I don't look particularly young, actually I look far older than I am .

Haha I have to comment on this line. When I see the emoticon, I interpret it as "looking down into diaper and seeing you need to be changed and crying". But put at the end of YOUR sentence it comes off as "actually I look far younger than I am especially my penis which makes me cry because it is old and wrinkled".

Sorry.

[happyindprs]

I guess Brighteyes was trying to come to grips about his involvement with wearing diapers or being treated like a baby. Although it appears he searched his entire childhood for triggers or causes that made diapers attractive to him, in reality he is only grasping at straws. No one knows why we are this way, we might think we know but is speculation at best. I think it is much wiser to look forward than to look back in most situations and especially when it is related to the abdl lifestyle. Be happy with who you are. Celebrate that you are unique. Enjoy life with or without a diaper and move on with your life.

[brighteyes]

Hah, yeah, I know it's long. I don't blame you guys for tldring. I just slapped some thoughts down and figured they might interest somebody.

This was an interesting post to read, I applaud the effort you've put into analyzing your interest in infantilism.

My experience doesn't seem to be like yours, I don't look particularly young, actually I look far older than I am . I don't have any memory of being treated as a baby, my memory is a little faulty in that way. And I don't think that any child has a self-image, though I may be wrong.

Still, an interesting read and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! It's not too surprising that no one seems to relate, but I do find it fascinating that there are so many different ways to get into this lifestyle.

I guess Brighteyes was trying to come to grips about his involvement with wearing diapers or being treated like a baby. Although it appears he searched his entire childhood for triggers or causes that made diapers attractive to him, in reality he is only grasping at straws. No one knows why we are this way, we might think we know but is speculation at best. I think it is much wiser to look forward than to look back in most situations and especially when it is related to the abdl lifestyle. Be happy with who you are. Celebrate that you are unique. Enjoy life with or without a diaper and move on with your life.

I'm quite happy to keep grasping at straws. I've accepted this part of me, but that doesn't mean I can't be curious as to why it's there. Indeed, I think that introspection is an excellent way to celebrate one's uniqueness.

[happyindprs]

Now it retrospect I agree with what you were try to say. Many if not all of us at one time or another have taken this journey trying to figure out why we are unique like this. Hey I grew up in a family of five and I am the only one that still wears diapers. It has nothing to do with height, weight, size, demeanor or environment and yet it has everything to do with it.

When I began wearing diapers I was still in grade school at a "private"school. The environment was controlling, strict and no one stepped out of line. I was shy, had lost my dad to a heart attack when I was six and didn't feel I fit in any where. I was wetting both my pants and my bed wet into my teens. For me, I am sure many factors triggered my need to feel safe and secure and for obvious reasons "dry." Some times I think you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. If you are still searching for answers, the best place to be is here where at least you are on common ground and have the support and understanding we all need.

[Bettypooh]

.... I think that introspection is an excellent way to celebrate one's uniqueness.

I agree Knowing more about who you are and what you feel helps lead you to things you might enjoy.

Bettypooh