Odd World

[underwhere]

this case in a criminal courtroom? I think it would not be too hard to find a jury willing to convict you on promulgating utter bullshit. Just because Tyson COULD knock me out does not mean he actually would do so."

Secretly, however, he did hope Tyson would knock him out. It would greatly relieve the pain he was experiencing as the result of his own stupidity earlier that day in his

[freswith]

conservatory when he caught his hand in the electric toaster. Constipation's captain was getting more and more desperate as the daylight faded, and he faced the prospect of spending a night at the mercy of the rampant space-frog. Nobody had thought it could grow so fast on a diet of digestive biscuits and tonic water, but then his eyes lighted on the one thing that might work. He took out his beloved set of bagpipes and

[underwhere]

began to play a song. However, he was particularly bad at playing the bagpipes. In fact, if anybody had heard him play, they probably would have paid him to not play anymore.

The by-now enormous frog heard the awful sound, and

[Juliabam]

began to play a song. However, he was particularly bad at playing the bagpipes. In fact, if anybody had heard him play, they probably would have paid him to not play anymore.

The by-now enormous frog heard the awful sound, and

felt like singing along, and to everybodys surprice, the bagpipes suddently sounded good. Not that the tones coming out of it were any better than before but because the sound of the froog was so awfull that it would be suitable as underlaying music in the most creepy horror movie ever made. As the frog sang along, and went for singing the high C, the universe was at the verge of

[freswith]

breaking into a new dimension and becoming a sort of celestial Disneyland, but at the last possible moment the captain stopped playing the bagpipes and dropped his trousers in front of the astonished frog. The frog's tongue

[underwhere]

extended outward very quickly, for it was clear the captain did not keep himself very clean down there. The frog did not care. it was after the fly that had decided to rest upon that most sensitive part of the male anatomy, and the aim was true. The frog caught the fly, but that was not all it caught. Its toungue was now stuck having rolled itself around the captain's

[Juliabam]

extended outward very quickly, for it was clear the captain did not keep himself very clean down there. The frog did not care. it was after the fly that had decided to rest upon that most sensitive part of the male anatomy, and the aim was true. The frog caught the fly, but that was not all it caught. Its toungue was now stuck having rolled itself around the captain's

hemorhoids.. Situation was critical, one wrong move and the captain would burst open and bleed to death within few minutes. Then a loud squeeky noice broke the silence and from the corner...

[freswith]

where Hortense lurked. Hortense was the token minority representative on board, the gay, black, blind, obese, double-amputee, transexual, autistic, half-witted, dyslexic, crypto-fascist, Jewish diaper-loving leper. Opening what appeared to be his/her/its mouth he/she/it said "Captain, have you tried putting salt on its tail?" to which the Captain replied: "

[underwhere]

Salt? It would go so much better with habanera peppers." After all, Hortense was known to like his food to be hotter than steaming lava. Nobody quite understood how he had any taste buds left, but somehow, he still managed to enjoy his food heartily.

Hortense responded with a burp, a hiccup, and a sneeze, before rolling his eyes and saying, "

[Juliabam]

Salt? It would go so much better with habanera peppers." After all, Hortense was known to like his food to be hotter than steaming lava. Nobody quite understood how he had any taste buds left, but somehow, he still managed to enjoy his food heartily.

Hortense responded with a burp, a hiccup, and a sneeze, before rolling his eyes and saying, "

Did you remember to water the flowers before we left home by the way. Captain stopped to think for a moment, and involuntarily scratched his buttcrack as he always did when being thoughtfull. The frog screamed in surprise when it felt his fingers tickle its tongue, and pulled the tongue to itself ripping

[freswith]

the captain's chain mail posing-pouch completely from his body with a terrible sound of tortured metal. The Captain sprang free, hurling himself through the hatchway into the jacuzzi compartment, slamming the hatch behind him. Panting desperately, he looked back through the port hole to see Hortense and the frog

[underwhere]

french kissing. How absurd, he thought, and why would anybody want to french kiss a frog for goodness sake?

Indeed, it seemed quite odd, particularly after the frog had already devoured Steve earlier. Did Hortense have no fear? Or was he just stupid? The Captain knew for certain he did not vocalise that thought aloud, but he became very uncomfortable when Hortense turned toward him and glared, before saying

[freswith]

"Why would I French kiss a frog? Think of the length of its tongue and the efforts you go to to get your arse licked!"

The Captain slumped down. It had all been a bit of a day for him. After a while he switched on the Jacuzzi and climbed into it. He closed his eyes and leaned back. A moment later the intercom buzzed.

"Are you going to be in there the whole day?" said Hortense, "Freswith and I want to use it. He's taking me very seriously and is even talking about tadpoles. He says he's going to

[underwhere]

hire a caterer to put together an enormous banquet for our wedding celebration. And before you ask, no, there will be no cannibalistic tendancies. We are not having frog or frog legs or any such things for our wedding. Nor are we having any of my relatives, though I'm sure they would be quite tasty indeed. We were seriously considering having a square duck prepared, but decided against that as well. Instead, we are ordering

[freswith]

kalamari de Julia served with lemon grass."

The Captain groaned. Anything with Julia in it gave him the most horrendous wind. The Jacuzzi bubbled in anticipation. With a sigh the captain reached for the intercom panel and keyed in the special code which

[underwhere]

began the rather rapid and intense process of giving the captain an enema by draining the tub directly into him. He just wanted the pain and the thoughts to go away. He had done this many times before, and always found the process relieving, but something went drastically wrong this time. Not 30 seconds after he had pressed the button,

[freswith]

the contact breaker snapped out and the pump stopped. He closed the breaker again, but a whiff of overheated insulation made him release it. It was obviously a badly clogged filter and he cursed Hortense for his/her/its habit of bathing while wearing his/her/its verminous hair shirt. Only partly relieved he reached for the towel and found

[Juliabam]

the contact breaker snapped out and the pump stopped. He closed the breaker again, but a whiff of overheated insulation made him release it. It was obviously a badly clogged filter and he cursed Hortense for his/her/its habit of bathing while wearing his/her/its verminous hair shirt. Only partly relieved he reached for the towel and found

that his arms were falling ioff.. Oh shoot, not again ! he shouted out loud while he cursed ther cybernetics department with all the bad words he knew, and even some of those from hortense.. It's been an ongoing problem, and a known error that the cybernetics department had been using chinese...

[freswith]

crackers instead of proper "milspec" components. He shouted for Hortense to bring the repair bot, but he/she/it was too deeply involved with the frog. Taking the opportunity he slipped past the ill-matched pair and went down to the workshops, where he found the robot sitting on an easy chair drinking a WD40 cocktail through a straw. Kicking the chair from under the robot he said "

[underwhere]

Merry Christmas!" as he then proceeded to take a hammer between his toes and bash the robot with it. "You are supposed to be in charge here, not fucking around like Hortense seems to be. What is your problem you stupid robot?"

This robot, like all other robots, was not fond of being called stupid, nor was it fond of the attempt to bash its highly sophisticated armor with a hammer. In any event, the armor did not suffer even a single dent or scratch from the assault. The robot's extreme quantity of external lights all came on and off in a maddening sequence of dizzying and seizure inducing lights, and the captain

[Juliabam]

instantaniously began dancing. As he was dancing, he touched his greenfang headset, which was a russian rip off of the blue tooth system, and tried contacting controll center.. Captain to controll he yelled as his shoes were on the verge of catching fire from the dancing..Captain to controll he yelled again and then heard a rusty voice in his ears growling. Yes captain, what do ya want you....

[freswith]

motherf***ing sonofabitch?"

"Mother!" he replied, "I'm so glad it's you! Can you get the robot to switch his lights off, they're giving me flicker epilepsy again"

"Yo's the lucky one! Yo never give me anything nice!"

"Mother," replied the increasingly desperate Captain, "If you do this I'll give you my copy of Nadgewurzels Guide to Practical Poisoning", but please reboot this bloody robot and get him to fix my arms before the frog finishes french-kissing with Hortense."

"Why, dat lovely old frog

[underwhere]

french kissin' again. I knew he was such a nice frog. Never knew he was dat nice. But ya know, maybe I should kiss dat frog, cause maybe dat frog turn into a prince. Always wanted to marry a prince, and yo daddy, well, he ain't never been no prince. He just a big ole fat

[freswith]

Archduke wid delusions of grandeur. No don' you go gibbin me no chat about de French kissin', coz even if dat frog can be likkin yo ass same time as it be kissin' you, just t'ink of what happens when it widdraws it's tongue!"

The captain thought about this, then retched. It was not so much the thought of that taste it would leave, but also

[underwhere]

the horrible image of what that toungue would look like when it comes out, completely covered by the stuff.

"Look, ma, if you don't help me out right now, I'm going to