Glbt And Parents?

[Guest MunchKitten]

I'm going back as far as I can in my mind (A bike accident back in 2005 managed cause me to forget pretty much everything up until the accident (minus the important bits. name, birth date, where I live, etc), and I got down to thinking about my parents.

I first remember thinking I was in the wrong body at 8 or 9, I didn't know a whole lot about it so I thought I was a freak, and managed to shove it out of my mind for 10-11 years (now)..

I came out as bisexual in 2004 or 2005 (might of been 2004), and my parents didn't take it well... at all.. My mom blames her relapse of alcoholism (15 years sober) on me coming out, and we've never been as close as we were before then, and it shows.. (we never do things together anymore.. haven't done anything except go out to dinner like one a month, I never want to do anything they do (go on rides etc, I like to go where I want to, not them looking for where they want to move next (and probably leave me behind)) (and now I consider myself mostly gay, the 3 relationships I've been in have made me miserable, and all 3 have cheated on me and drove me to the point of insanity ... yeah, lol, things didn't go well.)

There's this one guy I spend a lot of time with, and my parents know I've been fooling around with him for over 3 years now. but whenever I ask if I can crash at his place (my parents hate him (and he doesn't feel comfortable coming to my house because of it), and I have to ask to do ANYTHING.. and I'm 20 in 3 months!).. its always the same "Your going to the fucking fags house to get laid aren't you.. Your dumb ass is going to wind up with Aids soon if you keep messing with him, why can't you find a nice girl and settle down with her.." I never answer and usually storm out of the house afterwords.

What she doesn't seem to get is both him and I have both been tested and come back clean, we practice safe sex, and he makes me incredibly happy, whenever I'm depressed I go over there, we talk, I get a much needed hug and maybe a cuddle, and I'm fine. He is also a great listener, I came out as trans to him last month, and he listened, asked questions (that I answered to the best of my ability), gave me a hug, and said "I still love you".

I wish he wasn't afraid to be in a gay relationship (we're everything except anything to do with PDA (Public display of affection)) (I know without him ever having to say something, he won't see me as a female until I start to transition, and I'm okay with that.)

I'm just glad I have someone in town I can be completely honest with and he'll still love me for who I am.

And to coming out as trans to my parents:

I really want to, I do, but if coming out simply as BI caused my mom to relapse (and take 3 years to get her drinking to stop, every time she was "disappointed" in something I did she drank..) and get called a freak.. I don't even want to IMAGINE what will come with coming out as trans.

Plus, I'll NEVER tell my half brothers, they'd never figure it out or understand it. my middle (32 year old) would never speak to me again simply because his wife hates me, even more so when I come out that I'm more of a freak then she already thinks. (When they started dating the first time we ever met (I was 12), she kept me locked in a closet for over an hour before I managed to break the door and get out..(WHY closet doors can have locks are beyond me) its gone downhill from there.. Christmas last year he slammed the front door at his house on my fingers on purpose, didn't apologize, so I gave him a black eye and went to really lay into him, but his sister (no relation to me) is married to an ex Marine who had no problem getting me off him, he knew the "I'm not going to stop until I'm pulled off" look.

(A few guys at work learned that look this year when a really snide as anti-gay remark was made towards me.. I wonder if that trailer got fixed yet (Slammed his head into a trailer so hard that it left a dent the size of his face in it.). (and the reason I stopped smoking pot, it really messed with my Bipolar whenever I didn't have any, the withdrawals turned me into a monster.)

Anyway, Him, his wife (who I EXTREMELY dislike (on the verge of hate) and I haven't talked since Christmas day.. My parents and them aren't on speaking terms for taking advantage of them (my brother is a mooch, and they both have GREAT paying jobs, and the crap they pulled on Christmas with gifts, but I'm not going into it.) Their pregnant with their first kid who will probably never see their Uncle until he is around my age, I want nothing to do with that half of the family.

My oldest brother (40?) and sister in law are cool, but we're very distant (never saw them much in my life, only see them two or three times a year), and they have 3 kids (10, 6, and 5). Their deeply Christian, and they still don't know my sexuality, and I plan to keep it that way, they'd say I need to go to church and get "fixed"...

Just a peek in the craziness I call life.

~Katelin

[FretaBWet]

I truly wish I could give you a pep talk and tell you everything will work out but it wouldn't be the truth. The truth is this is not an easy path you're on. Believe me when I tell you that I'm not trying to discourage you from seeking your true self, I'm just trying to help you to understand what may lie ahead.

It's one of the ironies of life that in order to live your life in a softer more feminine way you have to harden yourself like a piece of steel. Your parents and family are just one example of this. You can't love your life if your living the way that makes them happy. You have to make a choice and it's a choice only you can make. Are you living for them or yourself?

If you choose to live life on your terms you need to be prepared to pay the price for that happiness. There's no free lunch. They may completely reject you or they may just try to manipulate you. Your Mother's drinking is a perfect example of manipulation. Alcoholism is disease and she damn well didn't catch it from you. When she falls off the wagon and points to you as the cause she is only trying to manipulate you to get something she wants while she escapes the blame for her own choice to give in to her disease rather then ask for help or fight it. It's a win win for her and a you lose for you.

My advise is to find yourself a good therapist who is experienced in gender issues. If you want to go on hormone replacement therapy you will need to have one anyway. A good therapist can help you deal with your family issues and all the gender issues and should be the first thing you do.

I'm on your side whatever side that happens to be. If you have specific questions or just need to talk privately feel free to PM me. Good luck.

Hugs,

Freta

[Guest MunchKitten]

Having health insurance NOW (not that I'll ever use it, my parents are paying, I'd rather pay cash if I have it so I don't get questions). the leader of the GLBT group at school offered to hook me up with a good therapist who deals with GBLT, and she said she should be able to get me in pro bono which is nice, I'll have to take her up on it when I get settled to being home again..

Katelin

and my parent's aren't getting in my way of ANYTHING. I just pack my stuff in my car and I'm 6 hours away and they'll have no idea where I went, probably think I went back to the carnival.

[acemanner]

The best advice I can give you is to be who you think you are on the inside. because in the end , you are you , and are the most important person in your life. And your happiness should be prominent in your life.

[Junibug 4 Lucy]

The best advice I can give you is to be who you think you are on the inside. because in the end , you are you , and are the most important person in your life. And your happiness should be prominent in your life.

i agree with this....you are who you are and that is good, be happy as ypu do deserve to be, and dont let anyone put you down

juniper

xxx

[Guest Baby-Toa]

Just be who you are and don't change it for anyone. You have someone that supports you. You're parents have no idea what's going on in your mind. But I do agree that you have to decide to live for yourself or for them.

[Mac D]

My advice?

Fuck 'em.

If they don't accept you in any way, or act like a bunch of dickheads... fuck 'em. As soon as it is viable, leave home and then you can do what you want, when you want.

It's not the best advice, but it is what I'd try and do in your position.

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

Wow! Sorry to say but your family seems really messed up. If they are as messed up as they seem, you really cannot be taking direction from them. This means that you have to guide yourself to your destiny and do what is best for you in life because disfunctional people surely cannot guide you.

When I read stories like this, about disfunctional families that is, it makes me want to cry. Then, I thank God for everything that I have. i'm so blessed to have a family that is supportive, comes together, and is close nit. If it were me in your situation, I'd do what some of my friends have done. i'd say fuck the family, disown them, and just move on and start fresh. My friends who have done this says that their friends are the best family they ever had.

[Guest MunchKitten]

My friends are the best family I have, the people at the GLBT coffee shop in town have been nothing short of awesome, they make sure I have food and drink when I'm away from home because of fighting, I can be in town at my friend (above)'s place for the night, down in Southern IL with another friend (also out to), or up to Canada with another friend (also out to). Right Lex? Canada sounds like more fun than Illinois anyday!

[complicated]

Ok here is my thought on this. And forgive me, for this is just my thought.

Fuck Them.

Im sorry to say it so harshly, but its true.

Why should we put others happiness before ourselves, (and this is comming from someone who is nothing more than a hippy)?

For starters, I say move out! I know how hard this can be, for the second time in my life I have to move in with my dad. Im 26yrs old!

Thats where you should start. Even if you get out on your own for a year. Its a start.

Second point. Its your life. You dont need someones approval for you to be happy. I know my family would never accept anything of my life, but I dont care. Its makes me happy. So if they cant be happy for me, then as previously stated, FUCK THEM!

As for your mom drinking again. Its not your fault no matter what she says!

It really isnt. And if you want some help to, help you understand her addiction, seek the help of either Alcoholics anonymous, or Al-anon. Obviously AA is more about the acoholic themselves, but the ones who truly beilieve in it will be more than happy to help you out. Same as al-anon. Al-anon was created for the loved ones of alcoholics/drug addicts. Seek there help. You cant change her, but your not the reason she drinks either. This I can gurantee. I dont know if alcoholism is nesacarilly a disease, I have been sober of drugs for almost ten years now. But know matter what your mothers problem is not your fault.

Reach out to friends that you have, and in case may know about what you are going through. Ask their advice. Ask for their help. Dont abuse the help they offer, but turn to them.

Some of my best friends when I was younger, though they didnt agree with my life, helped me out through words or housing, or even food. Some housed me for weeks at a time.

I used to feel so guilty of it, but over the years I came to realize that they helped me out, because they cared about me and I didnt need to feel guilty for it, as they accepted me, for me. And in return I have housed many people in return. I "payed it forward" if you will. So if you ever need someone to lean on, and are in MN/SD, look me up. Or hell just send a message with whatever you need, if I can help, Id be more than happy too.

Hope this helps you a little bit. I know where you come from. Many people do. Ask for advice and help and you shall receive the wealth of the world. You might just find the happiness you seek.

[Guest MunchKitten]

I already came out, their ok with it.