Help!

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

I

[Guest Baby-Toa]

I have to say she is trying to make them independent way too early. I agree with your views that children should have a great bond between mother and child. Though I do agree with Allways too that she is showing patience and respect for you parenting.

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

As you grit your teeth at the things you disagree with about her she does the same,

Thankfully, she does not, though, she does admit that she does not care for my way of parenting. She says it is not for her.

just remember that she is showing you patience and respect. And don't fail to return it or it may end up being another friend no more.

"another" Hmmmmmm. You say that like I've lost friends over this. Thankfully, that has not happened, and I am not going to throw her to the curb. She really is a good person. i mean, she understands what bothers me and all that. We have been friends for a long time. There are a lot of things I like about her. It is that I'm feeling bothered by this right now because I feel there is too much rigidity and harshness. But, then again, it is due to my way of thinking and my background. I do not know at this point. I'm confused.

I do feel like I respect her, as I've not said anything ill to her. We have had very interesting discussions about how each of us does things, and they turn out very fulfilling, as one does not cast judgment on the other. We agree to disagree on things, and we keep our environment very harmonious. I also try to help her where I am able. After all, she is helping me out, too. The funny thing is that when I'm helping her, I'm wearing all of my babies at the same time, and yes there are slings designed to hold more than one. She gets a laugh out of it and calls me the kangaroo. I just laugh and tell her that what I'm actually doing is called Kingaroo Care. That is the true term for it. It is actually a parenting practice associated with attachment parenting--what I am.

Its doubtfull anything you say is gonna change her ways anyway.

You're probably right, though, i feel I can help her open to new possibilities and a different way of doing things, even if she does not put them into practice. Perhaps, doing it indirectly, such as leaving something for her to read. Not saying anything at all but allowing the articles to do all the work. She may take to that, since she loves to read. This way, I do not have to tell her anything, and she can get it from another source other than me.

[jediaper]

While I can't offer much advice in the way of parenting, seeing as I don't have any kids, I'm kinda on the fence on this one. I agree/disagree with you and your friend on different matters. While I agree that she has her child's schedule way too structured, a complete lack of structure can lead to children becoming spoiled and unruly due to having things their way all the time. As for the crying, I'm sorry for what happened to your baby but, SIDS can be caused by several different factors, not just for crying for too long. Ive seen and heard of many babies cry themselves to sleep with no ill effects. The spanking Is a whole other story, I believe that spanking is one of the most effective form of discipline. I could go on and quote several scriptures condoning corporal punishment, however I won't make this into a religious debate. I will however say that I was spanked as a child and I grew up to be an upstanding citizen, with no mental illnesses to my knowledge, and yes I still love and respect my mother despite having spanked me. Honestly I think this would be a better world if more people spanked their children and less people used "time out" (which is a crock of shit IMO).

Anyway, don't take it personal. I may disagree with both you and your friend, but don't let that stop you from believing what you want and raising your kids the way you feel best. If her parenting really bothers you that much, then just go back to live with your husband. you shouldn't let a conflict in parenting differences ruin a good friendship. All I can really say is good luck.

[freswith]

I am not a parent, but here is my three ha'pence worth.

We survived for thousands of generations before we had watches and schedules. A mother should be equipped emotionally and physically with all the necessary reactions and responses which evolution has produced for successful child-rearing. (That is why there are six billion of us.)

It is natural for a mother to comfort a crying baby.

It is natural for a mother to feed a hungry baby, and at the breast.

It is natural for a mother to play with the child, to react to it and to teach it. That, really, is the best part of childhood.

If you don't form a close warm bond with your children they will grow up as emotionally illiterate, and could become be a danger to society. They might even take up politics, or , worst of all, write books about parenting.

Doctors, clocks, schedules, books and parenting theories are not natural. Most baby-care gurus have ended up repenting of their mistakes. (Dr Spock in particular.)

Do what feels right; as the mother you are the best equipped to bring up a child. Talk gently to your friend and try and sell her your approach without criticising hers.

She may have other problems. To me, an atheist, it sounds like an overdose of book-worship, probably caused by low intelligence and clumsy indoctrination. Remember that books are always written by human beings, and even if they try to imply the guidance of a higher authority or wisdom, ultimately their shit stinks too. Hitler wrote Mein Kampf, required reading for every German family, and look at the evil that caused!!

I don't ever recall being spanked as a child; where I did meet corporal punishment was at school, in the form of a systematic and cold-blooded beating with a cane. It was unjust in that case, and made me very bitter and resentful. I don't think it improved me at all, in fact it gave me a distrust/loathing of authority which has lasted to this day.

I do agree with the occasional smack as long as it is given in the heat of the moment and used to mark a clear boundary of unacceptable behaviour, but I still don't think I could ever bring myself to hit a child.

Good luck. Keep your cool; your husband will be home soon.

[Guest lucys junibug]

i have to say as a parent i have the same view as you, i fed our son on demand, and i did a little controlled crying at night but went in every few mins so he knew i was there! (this did work) if he cried for more than an hour i knew something was wrong!

i too let my son come in when i am in the bath and see no problem with it!

i guess i am relaxed as a parent but we do have rules and if they are broken he knows he's done wrong....he's a very good child ...but i would say that being his mum i guess!

the thing with the food did surprise me, i believe that babies need to get messy otherwise they will be fussy when learning to feed themselves and stop eating certain foods....and i have seen this happen! also if they get dirty with mud,paint,glue ect. they might get distressed!

my son has routine but we don't go over board he likes routine but there are many parts of his day that arn't scheduled!

i do believe in routine and i can see the benefits some thime but a verry strict one seems over board to me!

one thing i do always say is that my child comes first be for me or my husband and before anyone else...and i cant see another mum being any different, if it is affecting your children than maybe you should say something....but the thing is like every mum, she believes that she is doing what is beat for her children!!

maybe just voicing that you feel its affecting your family and advising her how you feel, but i'd hate to think that you'll loose a friendship over this...

i disagree with a lot of the parenting techniques my friend uses but keep quiet...we went out for food once and she was piling salt for her sons plate to dip his food in(under 5) then just adding more when he asked! he also has a high salt diet...i diddn't say anything but did wonder how i would feel if he fell ill from this.....

its hard to know what to do without offending someone....i hope you work something out....

thinking of you

xxx

i hope this doesn't sound opinionated its just the way I choose to bring up my children and i understand we all do things a lil differently....

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

So today presented some pretty unique and endearing circumstances, and I can honestly say that I really love my friend.

I slept in the bed with my triplets for a nap and then decided to awake and get a drink because I was thirsty. I also wanted to make a snack for myself because I was hungry.

I walked into the kitchen during the feeding time of the fifteen month old. I knew very well what was going on but tried to ignore it for the sake of my friend and wanting to respect her choices. I proceeded to get one of my special cups full of orange juice that was already prepared and waiting for me in the fridge, and I was just starting to make a snack for myself until I heard a whack! I then snapped to attention. I stared transfixed in shock.

The baby was wailing. He got spanked because he refused to eat his vegetables. She whacked him a few more times, and then she did something that made me cry. I turned away and tried to hold back while trying to resume what I was originally doing making my food, but it was too much for me emotionally. I

[Yvhuce]

Congrats. I hope your peace lasts for quite a while.

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

I love our peace, too, because it is nice. We ddid have another discussion about parenting before she went to bed. I asked her what was the source of her parenting, and she said that she is going by the books "On Becoming Babywise" and "On Becoming Babywise Two." I asked her if she still had the books, to which she replied that she did. I asked her if I could read them after my babies went to bed, and she said that was fine. She warned me that there may be some things in the books that might upset me, but I told her that was okay and that I still wanted to read them.

I absolutely love reading, especially if it has to do with children. At home, I have psychology journals, I have the DSM IV revised twice. I have a stack of child rearing books, and i have a large collection of psychology books, as well as articles. I also have a subscription to the APA. If I have the opportunity to go back to school--have to get a GED first--I'd like to get a PH.D in child development. It is a subject that I know gazillians about, and it is one that I love. I told my friend this, and she said that was awesome. She said that she'd support me all the way through it if I wanted to go that route. She even said she'd help me study for the GED and take me to get the test. She said she'd accompany me to the classes to be my one on one, just in case I might need my needs cared for and the like.

Does anyone know how we can get it so my friend can be allowed to stay in the class? She said that they have to allow it and that it would be illegal for them to not accommodate me, as it would go against the American's with Disabilities Act. She also said that my doctor could write up something saying that I have a caregiver with me because i have special needs, and that it should not be refused, since there are people with special needs that have nurses accompanying them. If you guys know anything, please share.

So, I'm reading the books along with several others she has given to me. She said that if I wanted to know everything there is about child development, I should read her entire colection. So, i have a lot to read.

[Guest lucys junibug]

lucy has had people in her lectures for the past year....sometimes she is there and they take notes so she can concentrate on listing and if she is ill or tired they just take the notes and send them to her.....she also has a Dictaphone and a camera (to take pictures of notes from the board)

i know that some people have others their as they tend to fall asleep, and lots of people get given laptops....lucy already had one so she opted to spend that money else were.....like extra books and things to help her out

this is uk mind you and i don't know the rules there but i cant see why not!!

i hope you can do this as i can tell you'd enjoy it

xxx

juniper

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

Good news!

It is possible. We went down to my doctor and got a note. My friend also called the school for me--I am nonverbal due to MS, so can't talk on the phone like aregular person, though, I can do TTY if I want--and they said that since we have documentation, it is okay. Mind you, it took a lot of people to get a straight answer, as my friend was given the run around. Some told her that because she was not in the class or did not pay to be in the class, she could not be there. She told them that she HAD to be there because I'm disabled, need personal care at times, and they said that someone could be provided. She then stressed that I'm an Aspie and needed a familiar person, as it would work better for me. When she was not getting the results she wanted, she asked to speak to the head of the Student Disabilities Department, and it was settled.

So, I'm going to get my GED!

[Guest lucys junibug]

thats great news i'm so happy to hear that, i wish you the best of luck in your study's

xxx

[Yvhuce]

Congrats! It often takes quit a bit of a runaround to get most anything done over the phone, nowadays. I'm glad that it y'were able to get it worked out.

[Nat]

Why did you drop out of high school?

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

I got too sick that I could not continue. i tried Home and Hospital, but it did not work out.