New Game........dear Auntie

[Baby Bethany]

So, we've all seen those agony aunt pages in the newspapers and magazines. Well, I thought it would be cool if we have one here too. So here's how it works.

You write a 'Dear Auntie' letter explaining your little problem (made up or funny problems, not real serious ones) and the first person to respond writes Auntie's reply. This may take the form of advice, or a suggested punishment.......anything you like!! So here goes;

Dear Auntie,

My wife locked me in a diaper and pair of locking pants three days ago, but she broke the key in the lock. The diaper is getting more and more soggy as the days go by.

What do you suggest? I'm too embarrased to call a locksmith.

Love

Beth

(Hopefully one of you will post Auntie's reply.........if you don't I will be stuck in these soggy pants!

[freswith]

My wife locked me in a diaper and pair of locking pants three days ago, but she broke the key in the lock. The diaper is getting more and more soggy as the days go by.

What do you suggest? I'm too embarrased to call a locksmith.

Dear Nephew,

So sorry to hear of your forced -dare I say it? - in-convenience. This is such a common problem these days as the modern keys really are most inferior, while the motorcycle security chains which are used to secure pants onto naughty children are almost invulnerable to all common tools.. First, take an electric drill and make a large hole though the bottom of the crutch of your pants, so the fluid can escape. When sufficient has drained to allow you to walk safely, without any surges tipping you over, then send your wife to purchase a large angle grinder. When she returns, you should lie on your back while your wife cuts the chain with the grinder. It might be a good idea to ask her to practise a little first, since the angle grinder is not an easy tool to use and one slip could be painful, if not completely unmanning, even lethal. Have some water standing by, since the heat generated will be considerable. Protective galsses should also be worn.

Auntie does not recommend the use of oxy-acetylene, nor of firearms. Explosives should only be used by an expert. Please be sure that once you are free, you do not murder your wife as this may lead to complications.

Good luck, and if all else fails, try you local Emergency Fetish Release Service. You will find their number in the Yellow Pages under "Samaritans".

Your Loving Auntie Freswith

[Baby Johnny]

Dear Auntie,

My 19 daughter keeps asking me to spank her, but I think she is too old. When should I do?

Wondering in NH

[freswith]

Dear Nephew

Your 19 y.o. daughter is obviously a very naughty girl indeed to make such a request to her aged and infirm father. She obviously needs a sound thrashing. Send her straight down to the local branch of Interpondzi Personal Services with a note asking for our enhanced correction, and I assure you she will not sit down for a week.

Your Loving Auntie Freswith

[Baby Bethany]

Dear Auntie,

I went for a walk in the park, but I'm convinced I killed some of the grass by stepping on it. What can I do to get over my feelings of guilt?

Thanks

The Mass (Grass) Murderer

[freswith]

Dear Auntie

I am madly in love with a beautiful girl, but she insists on treating me as if I was a toad. She makes all kinds of spiteful remarks about me, when I am always careful to be polite about her. What should I do?

Your nephew,

Freswith

[freswith]

Dear Auntie

I find I am attracted to all these arrogant, humourless, vicious, bloody awkward girls in the hope that the natural sweetness of my nature will in some way ameliorate their bileful nature. Am I doing something wrong?

Your nephew

Freswith

[Baby Johnny]

Dear Freswith,

Yes, you are completely and totally wrong. You need to find yourself the naturally sweet girls. The ones you are trying to change are having way too much fun to even consider changing for some overly sweet guy with delusions of grandeur.

Yours truly, Auntie

[underwhere]

Dear Auntie,

I used to think the moon was made of green cheese. Yesterday, somebody told me that it wasn't. Now I'm all panicked because if the moon isn't made of green cheese, surely some other thing out there must be. After all, wasn't the original universe created in the form of green cheese, and if that is true, isn't the universe so old that it would have molded and become spoiled?

Mold-Obsessed

[freswith]

Dear Auntie,

I have this teenage boy who is going through his difficult phase. He finds it almost impossible to answer any question with more han a grunt, unless it is a sharp remark that ends the conversation. Whenever I try to talk to him, he withdraws into a world of comic book jargon, and declares that he wants to be a giggling maniac. He seems to be well on the way to being a maniac, but his sense of humour is as poor as his wit. He is only 13 years old, and still doesn't wash behind his ears, and his toilet-training is a disaster.

I understand that they are going to change the time limit for having an abortion to 18 years. Do you think it would be a good idea?

Mrs A.

[freswith]

Dear Auntie

My little boy has had a complete Sense of Humour Failure.

Is there anythng I can give him? My neighbour has suggested a really hot curry made with sennapods, then lock the lavatory door.

What do you think?

Kind regards

Mrs A

[underwhere]

Dear Auntie,

It seems rather implausible that you would have all of the answers while the rest of us would have only problems or questions. I need some reassurance that you are not a perfect person. If you were going to write a query to your own column, what problems, questions, or situations would you write about?

--Curious

[Juliabam]

Dear Auntie,

It seems rather implausible that you would have all of the answers while the rest of us would have only problems or questions. I need some reassurance that you are not a perfect person. If you were going to write a query to your own column, what problems, questions, or situations would you write about?

--Curious

Dear Underwear,

I hope you're ashamed of yourself, testing your dear old Auntie.

Have no doubts ! I am all seeing, all hearing and all knowing.

And I will come and smack your bum if you do not behave a little better in the future you naughty boychild!

Your loving Auntie

[freswith]

Dear Auntie Julia,

You don't have to go in person to smack his bottom; Fedex will do it for you.

Mind you, handing your consignment in over the counter can be difficult.

Your loving nephew,

Freswith

(PS this idea could be the next big thing: Send-a-Smooch, Intergroper, TranSwitch for S&M enthusiasts etc.)

[Baby Bethany]

Dear Auntie,

I am writing to ask your advice on my rather unusual fetish. You see, I have a bit of an obsession with grass!! I find the thought of running across Kew Gardens very exciting, and I like nothing more than to roll naked in my pile of lawn cuttings. I've even started downloading naughty pictures of the South Downs!!

Is this common?

Yours sincerely

Beth

[Juliabam]

Dear Beth!

Yes. It is rather common, you see it all the time that dogs for instance are runinng joyfull across the grass, that horses and cows are roling in it, and in fact, some even sleep in grass, or hay as the dried version of it is called.´

In fact.. some have even gone so far as to eat it, and even change colour to match it. So maybe you're not atall so different from others of your sort, you may just have to realize that you are in fact a dog, a goat or maybe even a toad.

Love

Julia

[freswith]

Dear Auntie

I have this problem with my beloved. She is obsessed with toads; she sees them everywhere. She wakes in the morning complaining about them in her bed, writes letters of complaint about toads all day, has frequent hysterical attacks, searches the house for toads looking under all the furniture and turning out every cupboard, accuses the postman of being a toad, accuses her mother of being a toad, and even thinks she is turning into a toad. Last night she actually caught a fly with her tongue and ate it. She won't see her psychiatrist because she says he is a toad. I have tried everything including putting down toad-pellets and reading to her from aloud from her favourite book -"Wind in the Willows", but nothing seems to distract her.

Tomorrow I wil have to have her taken away by the Men in White Coats. I know she will insist that they are toads.

She has gone completely mad. What can I do?

Your loving nephew

Freswith

[Juliabam]

Dear Auntie

I have this problem with my beloved. She is obsessed with toads; she sees them everywhere. She wakes in the morning complaining about them in her bed, writes letters of complaint about toads all day, has frequent hysterical attacks, searches the house for toads looking under all the furniture and turning out every cupboard, accuses the postman of being a toad, accuses her mother of being a toad, and even thinks she is turning into a toad. Last night she actually caught a fly with her tongue and ate it. She won't see her psychiatrist because she says he is a toad. I have tried everything including putting down toad-pellets and reading to her from aloud from her favourite book -"Wind in the Willows", but nothing seems to distract her.

Tomorrow I wil have to have her taken away by the Men in White Coats. I know she will insist that they are toads.

She has gone completely mad. What can I do?

Your loving nephew

Freswith

Dear freswith

Your wife is just trying to be more like you. Instead of showing concern, worry, or even iritation, you should be flattered because not many would like to be anything close to that.

Go home to your bog, and eat some viagra so you can make her happy just as she tries to do to you !

Julia

[underwhere]

Dear Auntie,

The other night, I encountered my very first troll, and decided to eat it for dinner. Unfortunately, my digestive system ever since has been really awful. What do you recommend I take or do to cure my body from this problem?

underwhere

[Juliabam]

Dear Underwear

You should drinkt some tea, and make a nice drink of rum and oil to rinse your system. Standing on the head during consumption of the drink and following hours will help against embarasing incidents caused by the oil. Otherwise sticking a sheep, or in some cases of being a tight arse a sheeps foot up your anus will help collect unfortunate discharging.

Do not go to tea with The Queen during the treatment, Queens tend to dislike any of such incidents, unless ofcourse they're drama queens, in that case it might even add to the experience.

Julia

[underwhere]

Dear Auntie,

I took your suggestion for curing my digestive system as a result of swallowing the troll, and I must confess that it worked splendidly well. Thank you for that suggestion!

However, I wanted to ask you something else: Why do you insist upon misspelling my name?

underwhere

[Juliabam]

Dear Underwear,

I have no idea what you are talking about, but congratulations on the cured digestive system!

Julia

[freswith]

Dear Aunty Julia,

My girlfriend thinks I'm queer, and is putting it around the neighbourhood that I have a crush on some rancid nancy-boy pop-singer.

How can I stop her short of murdering her....

...and if it comes to the crunch, how do I commit the perfect murder?

Your loving nephew,

Freswith

[Juliabam]

Dear Freswith

Ddidn't we all know you were queer, how can that be news to you ? Afterall you should have been the first to know. To stop short of murdering your friend, you just have to follow the following recipe for a perfect murder that you asked about.

The perfect murder!

A perfect murder is called suicide. It can be done with firearms held to the head, overdose of medicine, hanging from a rope in the ceiling and a variety of other ways. What makes it so perfect is, that the "hitmans" problems will be solved, and that the murderer will not have to face any othe consequenses than the actual result. Noone will have to go to prison for it, and will therefore not be a burden to society, except for the piece of ground he will occupy the underneath of for the next couple of decades.

I hope it was helpfull, and be carefull, once you have done it properly, it will be ireversible, so don't play around with it, try to see if you can't leran to live with youself as you were born, and accept the one you are, and learn to love yourself.

Hugs and love

Auntie

[freswith]

Madam,

I will have you now that I am not bowling from the pavilion end, nor am I a brownpipe engineer as you so rudely suggest. Your clam-jousting days may be over, but I am sure that a spell at the bricing post would improve your toothless gibbon and stop it being Ghandi's flip-flops.

I suggest you consult Roger's Profanisaurus on http://www.milkinfirst.com/dictionary/profanisaurus.htm before you reply.

Freswith