SashaButters

The "Let me show you where my dad keeps his guns" kid had my 9 year old ass noping straight out the living room.

When I stepped out of the shower at Debbie’s, I was relieved to find a pile of clothes waiting for me on top of the toilet seat. I slid my pajamas on, despite it only being 6 pm, while thanking the powers that be I had been given a pair of my panties. It had only been one day and I felt I was already at my emotional breaking point. It had taken me awhile to stop crying, but as I stood underneath the soothing spray of warm water, my hiccups and sobs eventually ceased. I still felt miserable and sorry for myself, but underneath the surface was a feeling of tranquility that could only come after a good, heartfelt cry. The stress of knowing I was being dumped here, along with the many arguments with my parents, had been accumulating for days. It had been a matter of time. I could feel a heavy wave of exhaustion begin to wash over me. Between the hours spent jumping, and the emotional turmoil, I was ready to wave a white flag in surrender. I wasn’t 100% sure where I would be sleeping, but I had a feeling it would be on the couch. I made a beeline for it and sprawled out. I closed my eyes for what felt like a mere minute, but before I knew it I was being tackled. I groaned in pain and clutched my stomach as Lily continued to shake me awake. “Pizza!” she squealed. I groaned again and tried to push her off of me. This child had no off switch, and doctors had the nerve to diagnose me with A.D.H.D? “I’m tired. Leave me alone.” I covered my face with one of the couch cushions. “I let you nap for an hour, any longer and you won’t be able to sleep tonight.” Debbie said. I doubted I had been on the couch that long, but when I lifted my head to stare at the clock display on the television screen I noticed it was already 7:30. I let my head plop back down on the arm rest. I didn’t care if I had been asleep one hour or five hours. I was drained. I felt like I could sleep til Halloween. “C’mon, time to get up and have dinner, if you’re still tired later you can go to bed. I’ve got the back bedroom ready.” It wasn’t until I could hear the two of them conspiring to tickle the bottoms of my feet did I make an attempt to get up. As soon as I took three steps to the kitchen I knew I didn’t feel quite right. The world around me was swaying and I crashed into Debbie. With reflexes like a cat she flung her arms out to steady me. “Woah, careful. Did you get up too fast?” “Uh, maybe? I-I don’t know. I feel a little funny.” I admitted . “I think I’m okay now.” I took a seat at the kitchen table where a pizza box sat. “Are you sure? You look a little pale. Let me get you some water.” I watched her dump the contents of the half empty bottle I had been drinking out of earlier and fill it with fresh water from the tap. She screwed the lid back on and handed it to me. I took a sip. It still had a sort of weird, almost sweet after taste. Since I had just watched her fill it right in front of my eyes I knew the problem was with me. I felt a small pang of guilt. Either I was being picky or something was up with my sense of taste. Her words replayed in my head. “I’m sorry we don’t live up to your high class expectations.” I cringed. I didn’t want to believe I was that picky. I didn’t want to think about anything that had happened today. I wanted to be angry, but at the same time I had this sick, sinking feeling in my stomach I deserved everything that happened to me. I was the one who never made an attempt to go inside and use the bathroom. I was the one who had been complaining. “Thank you,” I said as I accepted a slice of pepperoni pizza she handed me on a white paper plate. I wasn’t hungry, but I forced myself to take a few bites. I didn’t want to give her any reason to be mad at me. Lily on the other hand chowed down like she had never tasted anything so delicious in her entire life. I listened to her unintelligible toddler chatter and gave her a weak smile everytime she addressed me, but I was having a hard time focusing on what she was trying to say. I had forced down a slice, but now it felt like it was wreaking havoc on my insides. “Eliza, are you okay? You haven’t said a word all evening.” I flashed her an unconvincing smile. She leaned closer to me and asked, “Are you still upset about earlier? I thought you understood it was all for show for Lily. I wasn’t really upset at you, I just-” At that moment I could feel my mouth begin to fill with saliva and a painful cramp formed in my stomach. I knew I was in trouble. I jumped out of my seat and ran to the bathroom. I stuck my head in the toilet right before I began heaving up my dinner with a force I didn’t think possible. I heard my name being called from the kitchen, but when I didn’t respond Debbie’s figure appeared in the doorway. “Oh, Eliza, sweetie.” She said. I clung to the toilet bowl as the room began to sway again. I could feel sweat dripping down my chest and an unpleasant warm, sticky feeling in my pajama bottoms. When I managed to glance behind me I was horrified to discover my pants had done next to nothing to contain the mess. Myself and the bathroom floor were now coated in the foul brown liquid. I had but a moment to take in the damage as I could feel my stomach preparing to play another round of “Projectile Pizza”. When I heard the bathroom door close in between heaves I had assumed Debbie had left me alone to deal with my situation in private. Instead I was surprised to feel a comforting hand begin to rub up and down my back. She knelt far off to my side away from the blast radius, but still close enough to reach me. “Poor sweetie, no wonder your mom said you’ve been so ornery these last few days. You must have been coming down with the flu or something.” I moaned in agreement and rested my head against the rim of the porcelain bowl. After fifteen minutes of non-stop heaving, I felt my stomach cramps begin to subside. With eyes still closed, I groped around until I found the lever and flushed. “I’m so sorry, if I knew you were sick I never would have said those things to you.” This afternoon now felt like spilled milk in comparison. In my current state I wouldn’t have cared even if she had slapped me in the face. We stayed like that a few more minutes. I didn’t dare check behind me to view the collateral damage for fear of re-triggering the nausea. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’ll clean it up in a bit.” I still felt too dizzy to attempt moving. Ever since I turned double digits, in my family if you made a mess you had to clean it up. “Nonsense. I’m rinsing you off with the shower head, giving you some medicine and then putting you straight to bed.” She left for a moment and came back carrying a little medicine cup filled with Pepto Bismol and not the thermos I had been drinking from, but a cold Arrowhead bottle of water. I threw back the pink cup before wincing at the mixture of stomach acid and medication before washing it down with water. Compared to the water I was drinking before, it tasted amazing. “Strip.” I heard. She held out a plastic grocery store bag, and I pulled off my soiled clothing and put them inside. “I hope you’re not too attached to these because I’m throwing them away.” She tossed the bag aside and stepped over the mess. “The nice thing about the modifications to the bathroom is it will make cleaning up simple.” There was nothing separating the shower from the rest of the bathroom since the bathtub had been removed. Debbie filled a bucket of water before stepping over the messy puddle once again and sloshed the water over it from the side. Just like that, there was no sign I had a moment ago attempted to repaint the walls using only a single slice of pizza and my butthole. “I’ll disinfect later. Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.” "Shouldn't I stay by the toilet?" "Just let whatever needs to come out come out where you are. You won't hurt anything in here. I don't want you falling and hitting your head lunging for the toilet. At this point it doesn't matter." I was still too weak to stand up for another shower, but it didn’t matter. I scooted myself over and Debbie detached the shower head, stood over me, and rinsed me off while ordering me to turn this way and that. I felt myself lose control of my bowels a couple more times but with a flick of her wrist, the mess was washed away. I was too miserable to feel any kind of shame. My head pounded, my throat burned, and it felt like I had attempted to eat Flaming Hot Cheeto’s with my ass. “I have stuff that will help. Do you want it?” I nodded. I tried to stand, but the world around me started to fade out. I sat back down and leaned my head against the wall. She left again and returned with James’s wheelchair. She threw a towel over the seat and helped me into it before pushing me into the one room that had always been off limits. Jackson’s. In the middle of the room was a bed that looked like it belonged in a hospital instead of someone’s house and surrounding it were piles and piles of various medical supplies. “Wow.” I croaked. “Sorry, I know there’s a lot of stuff in here. I use this room mainly for storage. This is all the stuff I need to take care of James, so I apologize in advance If I’m in and out all hours of the night. I guess if you’re going to come down with something, you’re in the right place. There’s so much different medical stuff in here it’s like you’re already in the hospital.” Debbie helped me climb into bed. It was such an ordeal that by the time I was able to lay back down, I was once again sweaty and panting. I must have looked eerily pale since she thrusted a pale pink tub in my hands. “In case you get sick again.” she explained. I nodded and set it down next to me on the bed. “And if you want to sit up.” She picked up a remote, pressed a button and the upper half of the bed rose. I would have found it amusing on any other day. She lowered me back down and set the remote aside. “I’m sure you just want to go to bed, so let me finish getting you situated.” “Yeah, thank you.” I closed my burning eyes. I could hear her humming an upbeat tune as she dug through boxes and bags. “I’ve got the medicine for you. Do you want me to apply it, or would you prefer putting it on yourself?” I mumbled something unintelligible in response. I was already half asleep. “I’ll do it.” she said. She rolled me over onto my side so that my back was facing her. I heard what sounded like latex and without warning I felt a finger knocking at the back door. I yelped in surprise, but the cooling relief from whatever she had just rubbed on was immediate. “Better?” It was indeed. She rolled me onto my back once again. “Just one more thing. Think you can lift your waist?” It took a lot of effort, but I managed to lift myself up high enough so she could slide something under me. I didn’t even notice what it was until it was taped on me. I looked down at myself and back at her. “So you’ve got your tub here if you feel like you need to throw up, some water, a blanket. I’ll set Lilly up a spot on the couch so you can get some rest. My plan was for you two to bunk together, but I don’t want her catching whatever you have. I hope it’s not too late already. I’ll let you rest now. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Stay in bed, if you need something just call me on the baby monitor over here. I don’t want you to try to get up and hurt yourself.” “Thanks, and sorry about…” “It’s not your fault. What’s one more diaper to change?” “I-I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” I protested even though I had no way of knowing if my stomach would strike again in the night. “I can make it to the bathroom.” She flashed me an indulgent smile similar to the one’s she gives Lily. “For now stay in bed if I’m not there to help you. You got yourself a nasty bug. Normal rules don’t apply, so don’t worry about it.” She flicked off the light. “Feel better soon.” It was indeed a rough night. Debbie had been right again. It seemed every other hour my stomach decided to purge itself. With the pizza long gone, I heaved up mouthfuls of bile. I was thankful for Debbie’s forward thinking. I at least now had the peace of mind I wasn’t destroying the bed below me, though it wasn’t much solace. At this point I didn’t care, I just wanted the pain to stop. By two in the morning I was beginning to hallucinate. I could swear I saw a figure crawling towards me on the floor. I tried shutting my eyes, but it made the room spin, further agitating my nausea. I opted instead to focus on the smoke detector on the ceiling, it seemed to keep the dizziness, and my imagination at bay. I kept telling myself my mind was playing tricks on me, but every time I looked down, the figure was there, moaning as it pulled itself closer to me on the floor. I wanted to call for Debbie, but I was paralyzed with fear. The only thing I could think of was Jackson’s ghost was haunting this room. It was where he died after all. “You’re stupid; it’s just a fever.” I had the blanket over my head now. What was I doing cowering like a child? Someone just dropped something in the hall, like a towel or a blanket and my delirious mind can’t figure it out. I tried to sleep, but I kept feeling like I was being watched. I sighed knowing what I had to do. I was never going to sleep until I figured out what it was. “On the count of three i’m going to take the blanket off my head, get up, and figure out what the hell that was. One. Two. Three.” I lowered my shield, peered over the bed and screamed at the top of my lungs. Looking up at me from the floor was a pale disfigured and sunken face. “Help... me...” the voice rasped. It opened its mouth and blood poured out and down its chin. “E-li-za..” It gurgled out once more before It scurried out of the room on all fours. “Eliza, are you okay?” was the last thing I heard before the mixture of fright, fever and dehydration took me. I only had time to utter a single word before I went under. “Jackson.”

“Eliza! Eliza! Wake up!” A hand gripped my wrist and I jolted awake. I sat up with a start, my chest heaving up and down as I struggled to control my breathing. I wrenched my arm back and flailed my limbs as I desperately tried to escape my invisible bonds. “Honey, calm down. You were having a bad dream.” I took a swing at the voice, before my arms were forcefully held in place. It took me a terrifying minute to stop fighting against the intruder and let the world ever so slowly come back into focus. I was back in my bed at home, and the person restraining me was my mother. I began to weep before I felt arms close around me and gently rock me back and forth. I hated affection, but now I flung myself around my mother as if she was the only thing keeping me anchored to reality. I didn’t care if I was fifteen, or twenty, or thirty. “Shh Shh it’s okay it’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe!” I didn’t feel safe. My body shook with involuntary sobs from the lingering terror of my nightmare. All at once I was beginning to feel trapped. I pushed my mother away and sprang out of bed. I danced in place in my room with arms spread out. I needed space and air. Then I would need my mother's embrace once again before the cycle repeated itself. “Sweetie…” “Don’t call me sweetie!” I loathed being called sweetie. “I’m sorry. I know, I’m sorry.” Her eyes were filled with sadness as she looked me up and down. Her stare drifted from my soaked Nightmare before Christmas pajamas over to my bed. I watched as she pulled the covers back to reveal the large wet stain on my sheets. “Oh, Eliza.” She whispered. Her voice was a mix of sympathy and concern. “You don’t have to go through with this.” “I do.” my voice cracked with emotion. I had been putting on a brave face, but in reality, the stress of the trial, the stress of testifying, the stress of facing her was knocking down my carefully constructed tough girl facade faster than I could put it up. I felt like everything was collapsing around me. What I wanted more than anything was to go in the backyard and light up, but now that I’d woken up half the house I doubted I could sneak it without getting caught. “She’s going to jail whether you testify or not.” “You don’t know that!” “Eliza, look at yourself. You’re shaking, you’re sweaty, and you're covered in... If I had known this was going to affect you so much, I never would have allowed you to testify in the first place.” “I’ll be fine.” I let out a snort of air as I paced the room. “Lizzy, stop. Stop pretending you’re fine, you’re not fooling anyone, especially not looking like...like that. ” I looked down at myself and cringed in disgust, noticing for the first time how bad it was. I had only been vaguely aware of a heavy dampness on one of my pajama pant legs, but now that I was beginning to calm down, the full extent of the damage became apparent. I let out a moan and hung my head. It was down my legs and up my back. I sighed in defeat and let my mom push me into the bathroom. “It’s going to be okay.” She said before closing the door and leaving me to shower. As the warm water ran over me I leaned my head against the tiled wall and pounded my fist in the air as the memories once again filled my head. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. I should have known something wasn’t right the moment I felt those fingernails dig into my skin. Never before had I felt such a terrifying aura, but she had turned it on and off so fast I chalked it up to a mix between my imagination and a warning to behave myself. My mom had said she could do as she saw fit but, I don’t remember her ever doing something like that before. I thought back to when I was younger, but she had always been so sweet and kind. I saw her as a second maternal figure. Maybe I had just never acted out in front of her before? I scooped up Lily into my arms and headed to the backyard as she wiggled and squirmed in protest. She hated physical contact about as much as I did, but I felt a great urgency to leave the house and the backyard didn’t sound like such a bad idea after all. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I stepped outside. I remembered their backyard being big, but they certainly didn’t have all this. There was a large above ground pool, a giant trampoline, trees, fountains, and adult sized swingset. Both Lily and I stood in stunned silence as we took it all in. “I’m trying to make the best of what little time he has left.” a voice said beside me. Debbie must have sensed our awe. I had no idea this was all back here. “Can he...can he use any of this?” I asked. I honestly had no idea what kind of condition James was in. “He used to.” Debbie said. “It’s all second hand stuff. Donations mostly. It took a few days to get the rust out of the trampoline, and I was able to patch up the holes in the pool. We used that mostly for physical therapy. This though!” she said patting the swing set. “On his good days he still loves getting pushed in the swing.” Her smile fell into a frown. “The bad days though I don’t know where he is. I don’t know if he’s aware of his surroundings or not.” She let out a long sigh. “Jump! Jump!” Lilly said pointing to the trampoline. Her eyes were filled with so much excitement I could hardly reign her in. “Lily, shh” I whispered. She wasn’t having it. Patience was an unknown virtue to toddlers. “JUUUMMMPPPP!” Lily screamed. I cringed. Debbie smiled and squatted down to Lilly’s eye level. “You want to go jump on the trampoline, sweetie?” Lily nodded her head with enthusiasm with a huge grin plastered across her face. “Well, I don’t know… It’s awfully big, and you’re awfully small.” Lily was horror struck. She looked as if someone had just ripped her favorite stuffed animal into pieces right before her eyes. “I think… I think you’re going to have to prove to me that you’re a big girl. How can Lily prove herself…?” Debbie tapped her chin and pretended to think long and hard. “Well, maybe if we had her… no no, that’s much too hard. I’m sure there’s other things we can do besides jump on the trampoline.” “No!” Lily whined. “I can do it!” “Hmm… it’s an awfully tough challenge, but I suppose it would prove Lily is a big girl.” “Lily is a big girl!’ “Alright, if you think you can handle it. Eliza!” Debbie said in a deep booming voice. “Go forth and bring out the Chalice of Champions!” I cocked my head to the side and mouthed, the what? “You know the…” she connected her hands to create a cylinder shape. “Oh oh, right! The Chall-” my face fell. “Isn’t a chalice something you drink out of?” Debbie cringed. “Maybe not the best name, afterall.” I laughed and she gave me a wink. I had forgotten how good she was with kids. I ran back inside and retrieved the “Not Chalice of Champions.” “I have returned from my quest, M’lady.” I said bowing and placing the potty on the patio. “Princess Lily of Cardinal Court, your throne awaits.” Debbie said, motioning to the hunk of plastic. “In order to prove yourself a big girl you must sit upon your throne and produce the Water of Midas!” “The Water of Midas?” I asked with a snort of laughter. “Hey, I’m making it up as I go along.” Debbie said. Debbie was good, I’d give her that, but she had never come face to face with the likes of Lily, who wouldn’t hesitate to look you in the eye and proceed to poop on the floor if it meant doing the opposite of what she was told. There was also no way she’d warm up to a stranger this fast, she was a creature of habit and she hated breaking rou- I stared in shock unable to finish my own thought as I watched my little sister, the most defiant little pain in my ass, not walk but run to the potty, drop her pull up and and sit. I was trying to make sense of what I was seeing. Okay, okay, so she got her to sit. Big deal. That was only half the battle. She would hold it though. She always held it until you gave up. It was a battle of wills to see who would relent first. “I’m done.” Lily announced. No. No. No. No. There is no way she went! No way! There is no way in hell it could be that easy. “Well it looks like we have a winner!” Debbie announced when Lily stood up. Debbie had to be pranking me, she just had to be. I peered into the bowl expecting to find it empty, but there it was. “Water of Midas” I stared at Debbie dumbfounded. She just smiled smugly in return. I shook my head and laughed. “Can we borrow your trampoline?” I watched as Debbie picked out the bowl and examined it. I scrunched up my face in disgust. What was she doing? “I don’t like this color; it’s too yellow.” she said. She was staring at it so intently I was tempted to ask if she could read my fortune in it. “Umm, well, it’s pee...so?” “Look at it.” I tried to understand what she was seeing that I wasn’t. “Yeah, still pee.” “It’s supposed to be clear. I think she’s dehydrated.” “Oh,” Was all I could think of to say. I scratched my head in confusion as I watched her walk inside to dump it. “That was weird.” I mumbled to myself. “Jump!” Lily said. “I’m a big girl.” “Yes you are!” I said. “You did a really good job! But let’s wait for Debbie to come back and tell us it’s ok first.” We waited for ten minutes, and I wondered if Debbie was even coming back out, but soon enough she appeared pushing James out in his stroller. My insides churned as I saw him, his head back against the headrest and his sunken eyes looking out into nothing. He looked even worse up close. He looked so thin and frail. “I thought he could join us. It’s such a nice day out.” “Yeah.” I mumbled looking away in an attempt not to stare. I watched instead as Debbie replaced the bowl back inside the Elsa decorated plastic seat. “Jump!’ Lily begged. “Jump! Jump! Jump!” “Yes, yes! You’ve proven yourself a big girl!” Debbie said. “Now I need you to continue to be a big girl! Think you can do that?” “Yes!” Lily cheered. “You can jump on the trampoline as long as you can keep dry. Wet pull ups and no more jumping until you can prove you're a big girl again.” Lily agreed, but seeing how excited she was, she most likely would have agreed to sell her soul if it meant she got to bounce. “And I want you to drink plenty of water! I don’t want you getting sick!” She bent down and retrieved two metal canteen bottles with our names written on the side with black Sharpie. She handed one to each of us before telling Lily to go have fun. She didn’t need to be told twice. I hoisted her up and she crawled through the protective netting on all fours and let out a loud shriek of pleasure as she began jumping up and down. I was about to climb up myself but Debbie stopped me. “Eliza, I said only big girls get to jump on the trampoline.” I waited for the joke, but we just stood there awkwardly facing each other. I tried to play along. “Uhh, How might thou prove one’s worth?” I winced half expecting a scolding for my attitude earlier, but none came. Instead my mouth gaped open as she pointed once again to the potty. “You must sit upon the throne and produce the Water of Midas.” All was silent for a good five seconds before I burst out laughing. Her deadpan delivery really nailed the punchline for me. I was beginning to remember why I had liked her so much when I was little. Her ability to get into character was like nothing else I'd seen. When we made eye contact though, the laughter ceased. She continued to show no sign of humor and it was making me uncomfortable. “You’re not serious. I’m twelve! I can use the bathroom just fine.” “I’m concerned about your inability to notice the problem with your sisters urine.” “W-what? I- I don’t understand..” “I’m worried about you. I need to know what yours looks like.” “It looks like...pee?” I took a step back from her. This conversation had taken a bizarre left turn I wasn’t prepared for. “I don’t think it’s normal. I’m now responsible for your health and safety and if I feel you’re not drinking enough water…” “Then I’ll just drink more water, you don’t need to see-” “You do not tell me what to do young lady.” The venom was back in her voice. She was coming closer to me now and I could feel myself shrinking in her presence. “While you are staying here you will do as I say, do I make myself clear? You will not question me and you will not back talk to me; your mother may put up with it, but I will not!” She was nose to nose with me now and as she looked into my eyes I felt a wave of absolute terror I had never felt before. I hadn’t the slightest idea what I had done to make her angry and the sudden shift in personality was alarming. I could feel tears welling in my eyes. “The-the bathroom, then, you can see after.” “No, the toilet water will dilute it.” she pointed again at the plastic potty. “I- I can’t do it. I’m too big!” “Then squat over it.” “No!” I stood my ground. This was nuts! She was nuts! Did she really expect me, a twelve year old, to squat over a plastic potty in her backyard in front of everyone so she could see the color of my pee? “Then you will stay out here until you do.” She whispered to me. “Now drink.” She thrusted the bottle with my name on it into my hands. I pulled the stopper and sucked down large mouthfuls of water. She seemed satisfied until I made a face. “It tastes funny.” “It’s called tap water. I’m sorry we don’t live up to your high class expectations.” I felt like she had just slapped me in the face. I was so stunned and confused by everything going on, I stuck the bottle back in my mouth and pulled a few more mouthfuls. “Lizzy! Play with me!” Lily called from the trampoline. I looked at Debbie, who plastered on another grin. “What are you waiting for? Go play.” I hurried away from her as fast as I could as Debbie took a seat on the old picnic bench next to James and watched us. I jumped around with Lily for a bit but my heart wasn’t really in it. I kept looking over my shoulder at them. Debbie never seemed to look away from me. Everytime we made eye contact, she motioned for me to drink and I obeyed. “Does your water taste funny?” I whispered to Lily. “Let me try a sip.” “No, mine!” She chugged it down. This concerned me. My sister was picky about just about everything. She would have noticed right away if something was off about it. Maybe Debbie was right and I was the picky one. Maybe it was just tap water? After another two hours I was absolutely exhausted. My sister's boundless energy knew no limits. Despite my bizarre run in with Debbie that left me on edge, the trampoline had won over my full attention in the end. I jumped high in the air performing front flips and backflips to my sisters awe as she demanded I teach her how. I’d jump next to her and send her flying in the air, but the closest she ever came to doing a flip was landing on her back. This didn’t seem to bother her in the slightest. I could tell she was having the time of her life. With a little assistance getting up and down from the trampoline, she had even gone potty on her own without being asked. It was the first time she had ever shown any kind of initiative in that regard. By the time the four hour mark came and went, her still being in the same pull-up was a monumental feat. After her third successful trip, I was getting jealous. I wanted to go inside and use the restroom so bad. I had drunk two entire canisters of water at Debbie’s command and she just kept refilling it. She had never mentioned what she had demanded of me earlier, but I was still afraid to attempt going inside. I kept hoping Debbie would grow bored watching us and either call us in or go inside herself. I didn’t have a solid plan if she did leave me alone, but I was quickly growing more and more desperate. I kept imagining terribly inappropriate scenarios,like asking if we could go swimming and peeing in the pool, or squatting in the trees like I used to when James and I would play, “jungle explorer.” “Jump.” Lily demanded of me as I sat resting at the opening trampoline. One leg was outstretched, the other directly under me in an attempt to hold it better. I was really beginning to worry now. She couldn’t really expect me to do something so degrading and humiliating, did she? At this point I was even considering it a viable option. “Not now, I’m tired.” I said. My legs were shaking from a mixture of over exertion and desperation. I was only minutes away from having to jam my hands against my crotch. That’s when Lily began bouncing over towards me. I gasped as the jostling made me leak. I was down to my last resort after all. I curled in a ball and held myself. The clock was ticking down. I was in penalty over time. Lily, gathering all her four year old wisdom and discretion, saw what I was doing, and from the top of her lungs, shouted. “LIZZY HAS TO GO POTTY!” I wanted to curl in a hole and die. Under normal circumstances, I would have praised her for stringing together a complete sentence. I could hear footsteps approaching now. I closed my eyes and buried my head in the rubber of the trampoline. I felt the presence of a larger figure looming over me and taking in my state. “Eliza, is this true? Do you need to go potty this badly?” I let out a moan, equal parts from embarrassment and desperation. I nodded my head. There was no point in lying. My situation was obvious. “Eliza,” Debbie began sounding disappointed. “I expected this kind of behavior from Lily, not you. You’re almost a teenager. You know where the bathroom is, you’ve been here before. Do I have to remind you as well to stop playing and use the toilet as well as your sister?” I wanted to cry. All this time I could have used the bathroom after all? That’s not what she told me! “Bathroom.” I moaned as I attempted to sit up. I could feel myself leak again. Debbie sighed in disgust and disapproval. “You’re not going to make it to the bathroom in time.” She said it not as a question, but as a fact. I wanted to protest, but I knew she was right. I doubted I could make it off the trampoline. I was about to give up the fight, roll out and pee my pants in the grass (better there than make a mess on Debbie’s trampoline) but she said something that made my blood run cold. “Lily, what happens to little girls who wet themselves?” “No more jumps!” “That’s right, but that’s what happens to little girls who wet their pull ups. What do you think happens to little girls who should know better and wet their panties?” “Umm, diapers.” “That’s right, Lily, you’re very smart.” Lilly giggled and crawled over me. I whimpered as Debbie helped her down. Wetting my pants in the grass was clearly no longer an option, but there was no way I could make it inside. What if I managed to get off, tug my pants down, and pee in the grass? Did that count as an accident? “What about the grass?” I asked through clenched teeth. The precious seconds were ticking away while Debbie stood there mocking me. I no longer cared who saw me do it, as long as she didn’t make good on her threat to put me in a diaper. Not like she could though. All she had were Lily’s and they would never fit me. “Are you an animal, Eliza?” I didn’t answer, the grass still seemed like my best bet. I ever so slowly managed to swing one leg over followed by the other until my legs were dangling over the rim of the trampoline. All I had to do was jump down, but I knew as soon as I did it would spell disaster. I doubled over, both hands firmly squashed against myself in the most unlady like posture imaginable. My mom would have an aneurysm if she saw me like this. “Lily, are you allowed to pee in the grass at home?” Lily giggled and shook her head. “Where do you pee at home?” “The potty!” Lily answered. That little liar I thought through gritted teeth. She’d sooner pee in her toy box than in her potty before today. “Go get it.” My eyes widened as realization dawned on me. Debbie had tricked me. I couldn’t believe it. I was completely without another option. Either I wet myself, or I do what she wanted in the first place. Only now, she had framed the narrative in such a way that it was my fault. To the onlooker, I was the one who didn’t want to stop playing and use the bathroom until it was too late. Lily set the potty down in front of me. I was still on the trampoline and stuck. There was no way I could land, get my pants down and squat over it. “I can’t.” I sobbed. “I can’t move.” Debbie’s tone of voice changed once again. She no longer sounded mocking or angry, but back to the sympathetic mother figure. I was finding her ability to slip into different roles unnerving. “It’s okay, sweetie, I’ll help you.” She began to gently tug down my pants and underwear, until they were around my knees. I longed to just pee through the metal rings under me and into the grass. I was in the perfect position to do so, and I didn’t think it would hurt anything. I had already leaked several times and it wasn’t going in my pants. Unfortunately for me, she seemed obsessed with setting a good example for Lily. It was the only reasonable explanation I could come up with. I watched as Debbie scooped the bowl out of the potty. At least she seemed to understand I couldn’t get down and sit on it. I knew what she planned, but she still felt the need to say it out loud. I felt my cheeks grow warm, I was surprised I could even focus on a feeling such as embarrassment in my current state. “Jump down and i’ll hold this under you.” Mortified and absolutely out of my mind with the need to relieve myself, I fell once again into her trap. I jumped down with my legs spread open and relaxed, only she never moved the bowl until I was nearly half way done. I stood for what felt like an eternity watching in horror as I peed directly into my lowered pants. “I wasn’t ready!” She complained,“You were supposed to wait for my signal” before finally moving the plastic bowl into position. Lily cackled at the sight of me, soaked pants around my knees as if it was the funniest thing she had ever seen. Debbie had never said anything about a signal. Had I not given her enough time to explain? I buried my face into my hands. The collected pee echoed deafeningly in the bowl and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the bowl filled up, or so I assumed. I never saw it. Debbie, without a word of warning, pulled it back. Then she stood and walked back toward the house with her prize, leaving me standing there dumbfounded to finish in my pants. “What the fuck.” I muttered under my breath. Three things became transparent to me at that moment. One: Debbie was not who she pretended to be. Two: She had wanted my pee and had gone to elaborate methods to get it. Three: James was no longer lost in his own little world. He was staring directly at me.

Squee!!

I slowly inched my way to the podium when they called my name. My legs trembled beneath me so much I feared for a split second I wouldn’t make it. I had been coached all afternoon on what to say and how to say it. I had to appear strong and unafraid. “The defense can smell fear.” Mr. Montgomery, the district attorney, had said. I only half believed he was joking. I wondered how strong I would appear if I fainted from nerves before I even gave my testimony. “Answer only what you’re asked; don’t volunteer information. Sit up straight and give your answers confidently. If you don’t remember a date or event say, ‘I don’t recall,’ not ‘I don’t remember.’’ “I don’t recall’ means at the moment you’re not sure, but it could come back to you at any time.” There was so much I was supposed to remember I didn’t think I could. All those medication names and side effects, most of which I couldn’t pronounce even if I read them off a slip of paper. They were kidding themselves if they thought I could “recall” any of this stuff off the top of my head. In truth, I had spent the last three years trying to bury the events of the past. When I somehow miraculously managed to get to the front of the courtroom on my own two feet, I placed one hand on the bible and the other in the air. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God?” “I do.” My dry mouth made it sound more like a croak than any intelligible words, but the bailiff seemed satisfied. He led me into what seemed like a box and I took my seat. The microphone was positioned about two feet taller than where I sat, and I struggled not to focus on how many people were waiting on me as I fiddled with it. “Are you ready?” The judge asked. “Yes,” I squeaked. I knew I didn’t sound very convincing. “Your honor.” I threw out at the last minute. I could see Mr. Montgomery give me a smile and a thumbs up. “Please state your name for the record.” “Eliza Anne Thompson, sir.” “How old are you, Eliza?” “Fifteen, sir.” The lawyers began to talk amongst themselves, before one of them, a tall slender man with brown peppered hair stepped forward from the defense side. “Are we ready to begin?” The judge asked. “Yes, your honor.” “Then you may proceed.” “Eliza, may I ask how you came to know the defendant, Miss Debrah Marie Martnif?” “Yes.” “How do you know Miss Martnif?” “We were next door neighbors.” I replied. Her name ringing in my ears made my stomach do flip flops in revulsion. I briefly surveyed my surroundings wondering if there was a trashcan nearby in case I got sick. I spotted one by my feet to the left of me. I must not be the only one concerned about losing their lunch. I mentally thanked myself for skipping lunch. And breakfast. And the previous night's dinner. “How long have you been next door neighbors?” “Since 1999.” “Since 1999? And you know that as a fact?” “Yes.” “What year were you born, Eliza?” “2005.” “So you know, for a fact, she lived there for six years before you were even born?” I bit down on the inside of my lip as I tried to calm myself. I didn’t like the condescending tone in his voice. Mr. Montgomery warned me not to take anything personally. “Yes.” “Have you seen with your own eyes the deed to the property?” “No.” “How about a renters agreement?” “No.” “Then how do you know for sure when they moved in?” “My parents told me.” I said, before taking a sip of water from the glass on the podium. It was hard to talk with my mouth and throat so dry. I was trying to sound confident, but my cracking voice gave me away. The defense attorney laughed. “Oh, your parents told you, did they?” “Yes.” “And like a good little girl you believe everything your parents tell you?” “N-no, I mean yes, I mean. . . “ The defense attorney laughed again along with a quarter of the courtroom. “Oh to be a naive kid again. Well, according to the renters agreement I have here, Miss Debbrah Martnif moved into the house in the summer of ‘97 not ‘99.” Wow, I was a whopping 2 years off. I struggled to keep a straight face and not let my skepticism show. “So i’m sorry to burst your bubble of innocence, but your parents aren't always right.” I looked at him in his fancy suit and tie feeling dumbfounded. I was fifteen. A teenager. Of course I didn’t think my parents were always right. “Which brings me to my point.” He went on pacing back and forth before stopping and looking me dead in the eyes. “If your parents are wrong about this, then I wonder what other preconceived notions your parents filled your head with?” I sucked in a lung full of air. Mr. Montgomery nodded in my direction. It was now or never. “That she was a kind and caring woman who was down on her luck.” “That’s what your parents told you?” “Yes” “And was she?” “At first.” “What changed?” “I found out what she really was.” “And what was she, Eliza?” For the first time since the trial started I gathered all my strength and looked directly at Debbie, sitting with her lawyers. We made eye contact and she smirked up at me. “A monster.” ………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. It was October of 2017, and my parents decided to travel to Europe for a month leaving behind my younger sister and I. To most twelve year olds, this action was on par to high treason. I had begged, pleaded, cried, bit, spat, thrown tantrums and any other attention seeking behavior I could think of. I was never the most well behaved child to begin with, but being told my sister and I would be left in the care of our neighbor Debbie for an entire month had sent me into a destructive tail spin. I had nothing against the woman, she was an icon in our neighborhood and her fundraisers had even been featured several times on the local news. People revered her for her struggles and her strength to get through them. They held her up to almost god status. If she asked you to jump, you asked, “how high?” If she said she needed her gutters cleaned, men formed a team and emptied those gutters, along with washing her car, mowing her lawn, trimming the trees, planting flowers, and fixing a leak in the roof. There were no ulterior motives either. Yes, she was a widow, but she wasn’t Miss America or anything. People just genuinely wanted to help. When the family first moved in, years before I was even born, There was Debbie, her husband Paul, and her two sons, Jackson and James. I never knew Jackson, who was a good nine years older than me, but I'm told he was really sick for a long time. I don’t know the name of the illness he had, but it left him permanently bound in a wheelchair. As he got older, the disease progressed faster until it left him practically a vegetable. When he died at the age of nineteen, I vaguely remember bringing them a casserole with my family. I don’t know why my mother felt the need to rub salt in their wounds by presenting them with her cooking, but it’s tradition I guess. James on the other hand, was only a year older than me and had been my closest friend at one time. We’d spend the summers over at each other's houses and play in his large backyard in the trees. We’d pretend to get lost in the jungle and made up our own secret and primitive language to communicate with the “locals”, Aka the neighbors cat and the occasional grasshopper. We’d click our tongues together to signal whether the path up ahead was safe, or dangerous. One click for yes, and two for no. Sometime’s the indigionous wild tribes we’d stumble across meant us harm and we’d tap out a secret rhythm, that sounded suspiciously like the theme song to “What’s New Scooby Doo” on the nearest object to signal to our comrades behind us to back away slowly as we did the same. When it was time for lunch, Debbie would call us back with a wild howl like a wolf and James and I would traverse the wild jungle once again in search of substance. We’d drag ourselves to the picnic table, telling tales of how we barely escaped with our lives from the invisible army of tribesmen along the back wall with their spears still clutched in their hands. We’d tell Debbie how we hadn’t eaten for days and how we thought we’d never see civilization again. I had really enjoyed my afternoons over there. It was amazing that even while caring for Jackson full time, Debbie always had time to indulge us in our little made up games and make us lunch. Bad luck seemed to curse that family though. After Jackson had died when I was around seven or eight, it had only taken two years for Paul to follow suit. He had suffered a heart attack and gone peacefully in his sleep. This is when James' behaviour towards me had started to change. He was no longer the happy kid I remembered him to be. He grew cynical and criticized all of my ideas. I’d often come home in tears and soon we grew apart. By the time I was ten I had heard the terrible news. James had begun showing symptoms of the same disease that had taken his older brother. My parents commented on how terrible it must be for Debbie. She had already lost a child and her husband, now the only surviving relative looked as if he might suffer the same slow and painful death. The neighborhood had rallied together to raise funds for her for James treatment when it looked like she might be evicted. There were bake sales, yardsales, car washes, movie nights, anything anyone could come up with to help the struggling broken family. Together they had managed to raise her $15,000. That’s when she ended up on the news. No matter what travesty happened though, she always managed to keep her head up and a smile on her face. That’s why so many people seemed to admire her and I was one of them. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Debbie, but rather I don’t know how to explain it. Something didn’t feel right. The issue had never been Debbie at all that made me dread my stay. It was seeing James. No longer the fun spirited boy I once knew, but a prisoner to a disease I couldn’t possibly understand. My heart broke for him on the occasions I’d see him in his adult stroller getting loaded into the minivan her church had given her to help transport him. No longer able to climb the trees he once loved, instead he just sat there staring off into the distance. I begged my mom one more time to let me stay anywhere else as we pulled our belongings out the front door. “I don’t want to hear it.” my mom said. “We’re paying her twice the amount of anyone else to watch you.” “Why? I don’t even want to go there!” “Because she could really use the money, and we need a babysitter. It’s a win win.” “Why not just give her money and let me stay somewhere else?” “Because sometimes adults don’t want things just handed to them.” she explained. “Sometimes it feels better to earn an income than it does getting it for free.” I scrunched up my face in confusion. “I love getting things for free.” “You’re a kid. It’s different as an adult.” “Free stuff!” my little sister Lily chimed in. She was only four. “Ugh, why is Lily’s bag so heavy?” I groaned as I hoisted it up the curb. “Are you sure you’re not just leaving us there and running away forever?” “Oops, you caught me.” “Don’t joke like that!” I had never been one to show affection, hugs and kisses from mom and dad were for little kids, and I prided myself on my tough exterior. Now the sudden fear of being abandoned made me want to hug my mom and even put up with her kisses if it meant not being left here. I had always been a rowdy tom boy, my sister on the other hand was a princess. We were complete opposites. The only conclusion I could come up with was that Lily was adopted and my mother faked her pregnancy. “It’s the bag of pull ups and diapers that are so heavy.” My mom said while a plastic princess potty was tucked under one arm. “She’s going to be in diapers until highschool.” I said. There was one thing my sister and I did have in common though. We were stubborn. If there was something we didn’t want to do, we put our foot down and wouldn’t budge. Potty training hadn’t been on Lily’s priority list it seemed, despite already being four. We had just finally managed to get her into pull ups instead of diapers, but when my mom had commented the other night about how leaving might make her backslide, I was pissed. They already treated me like Lily’s live-in babysitter. This was the fifth time we had managed to get her into pull-ups but it felt like something as simple as a cold, a change in schedule, or a shift in the wind made her regress. Guess who got stuck with 75% of the work when I got home from school. Me. If my mom and dad were leaving knowing full well it was going to make Lily go back to diapers again, they could deal with the consequences. I was done. “Please behave yourself.” my mom said before she set everything down to ring the doorbell. I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious, I don’t want you giving this poor woman any attitude. She has enough to deal with without your snark.” Was my mom trying to pick a fight because it sounded to me like she was trying to pick a fight. I was already in a foul mood at being forced to come here and here she was trying to twist the knife. She quickly plastered on a fake smile as Debbie answered the door, who beckoned us in with an equally cheesy grin. We set all our stuff by the door, three full suitcases, and followed her around the house. It was a little different than I remembered, but not by much. Some of the appliances had been upgraded, there was no longer a bathtub but a walk in shower, and the porch and backyard had ramps. I took a moment to admire the large flat screen television in the living room, that definitely hadn’t been there the last time I had been over. I remembered sitting with James on the carpet watching cartoons after school on their old bulky Sony television from the 90’s that sat in the hutch. I used to give him a hard time because it still had a VCR connected to it instead of a Dvd player. I didn’t really understand how strapped for cash they were with Jackson’s medical bills. I had only seen his brother a handful of times, despite this place once having been a second home to me. He had been bedridden, and his room had been strictly off limits. I sat on the leather couch, another new addition, and surveyed my new prison while my mom and Lily stood in the hall talking. “If she gives you any trouble feel free to smack her.” I heard my mom say. I thought they were talking about Lily, until I heard Debbie’s response. “I can’t imagine her being any trouble. She was always so well behaved and such a delight to have around.” My mom let out a bark of laughter. “That was pre-hormones.” That seemed to be all she needed to explain for Debbie to understand because that’s all my mom had to say about me before rattling off Lily’s schedule. I had almost completely zoned out before I heard my mom say, “Don’t worry about changing diapers, Eliza can take care of all that.” Before I could stop myself, I was on my feet and storming over to set the record straight. “I am not changing Lily’s diapers!” My mother glared at me, but I held my ground. “What’s the point of hiring a babysitter if you still expect me to do all the work?” “Eliza!” my mother hissed. “I’m so sorry, Debbie, like I said, if she mouths off, you have my permission to punish her however you think is best. I’m sure it won’t come to that though because her attitude is going to stop. This. Instant. Isn’t it?” She finished her last sentence glaring daggers at me. “It’s not a problem.” Debbie replied, raising and lowering her hands to try and calm us down. “Of course I don’t expect you to change diapers, sweetie.” She told me. I relaxed almost at once. “She won’t even need pull-ups by the time you pick her up.” I doubted that, but I appreciated her optimistic demeanor. My mom also looked skeptical. “We’ve been trying all year, but…” My mom trailed off. There had been talk of getting Lily tested for autism. My mom had said Lily was a little slower than other kids her age, but I had nothing to compare her to. Lily was just Lily to me. Debbie still insisted she could handle it. When I watched my mom leave, my insides were a convoluted mess of emotions which fought each other for dominance. I didn’t know whether to celebrate or break down and cry. I was angry, hurt, happy and depressed all at once. I realized I must have been staring at the front door longer than necessary when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “A month will pass in no time, sweetie. You’re going to have so much fun you won’t even notice they’re gone.” She leaned down to whisper in my ear, and my face scrunched in pain and confusion as I felt fingernails digging into my shoulder blades. “Now I know you won’t be giving me any trouble this month, will you?” Her voice was no longer sweet and syrupy. I swallowed and sucked in my breath. “No.” “No, what?” “No, ma’am.” “That’s what I like to hear.” All at once the pain and pressure in my shoulders dissipated, and her voice returned to its normal upbeat and chipper tone. “Now why don’t you be the sweet girl I remember and take your sister outback and play.”

Hahaha She was, she's just only mentioned once. Rose and Heather laugh at an inside joke about raising Ella when Ella follows Kaylee to the bathroom. There wasn't any hard feelings between them since it was in everyone's best interest. Ella's relationship with them was more as a close friend of the family. Fun to visit not to live with sort of thing, as she preferred the more relaxed atmosphere of living with Rose. Ella and Heather just fed off of each others anxiety while Rose could handle anything Ella threw at her. Heather realized she had been so hung up on the idea of a 2nd child for so long, by the time Ella left she realized that one was enough. I want to say he died like two years before the story ends. Not necessarily that she forgot she was afraid, but like... You know how you think back on things you were afraid of as a kid that don't scare you now? You can't recreate that anxiety so you can't really imagine how something not scary had such a menacing aura. When I was around that age, a little bit younger I was TERRIFIED of public bathrooms lol My mom had to force me in and I'd cry and fight lol Now it's like uh...yep...that's a toilet.

It was the sound of Danielle's laughter that had awoken Ella from her nightmare. Her eyes were damp with moisture and her nightshirt clung to her body from sweat. She pulled the thin blanket over her head and cried softly into her pillow in frustration. Why? Why was she still having nightmares? Had she really expected everything to just magically fix itself overnight just because she learned the truth? Heather had sat her down late last night and shared the good news. It was all a big misunderstanding. He hadn’t been kissing her, or groping her. He had been trying to save her. It had all been an accident. She had passed out in the bath from exhaustion and had almost drowned. Her mom had been so sure of Ella’s demise she had taken her own life. “You see, honey, your mother never left you. She never would have abandoned you while you were going through all that. She thought you were already gone.” Heather said. “Now that you know the truth you can finally get some closure. Nothing scary happened in the bathroom after all, well I shouldn’t say nothing scary. You almost drowned, and I bet that was terrifying for you, but nothing in there is going to hurt you. I bet now it will start getting easier for you.” Was that really what happened? She thought of the feeling in her chest everytime she went in there. Doctors had kept telling her it was an anxiety attack, but was it her mind remembering? Is that the sensation she feels? Drowning? Yes, now that she thought about it, it did feel like she was drowning. Her lungs always ached and her chest burned as she struggled for air. She felt kind of dumb now that she thought of it. It made sense. All this time she had been afraid of pooled water because she had almost drowned. The bathtub was full of water. The pool was full of water. The toilet bowl was full of water. It didn’t seem so scary now that she could pinpoint the problem. So did that mean it would go away? Did it mean she could do it now? Could she just waltz into a bathroom now? Could she just keep reminding herself the bathtub was empty? And what about the toilet? Who drowns in a toilet? What were even the chances of that happening? She let out a nervous gulp. She could go test her theory now. Her diaper was only a little wet, most likely from sweat. She had to pee, but she fought back the instinct to just go in the diaper. Two weeks ago, Heather had made Ella a deal after discussing it with the therapist. Ella wasn’t ready to face her fears. Even Heather had to admit exposing her had only seemed to aggravate her symptoms. They would take a step back for now and put Ella in diapers, and in a month's time, they would try again and see how she did. If they had to retrain her bladder, then so be it. There were only two conditions. First was Heather’s number one rule. No poopy diapers under ANY circumstances. She either had to hold it until she got home and use the bucket, or face the restroom. The other condition was she cleaned and changed herself. There had been one day, and one day only when Ella had tested rule number one. Looking back, even Ella had to admit she had been a brat that day. She was grumpy about being dragged from store to store so Danielle could get new clothes for school. There was nowhere for her to sit and It had felt like they had been in the mall for hours! They went to the Gap, then Target, then H&M, then back to the Gap. By the third trip to the Gap, because Danielle couldn’t make up her mind between a pair of shorts from them or a pair of capri’s from Urban Outfitter, Ella was pissed. No matter how much she complained she was tired and wanted to go home Heather wouldn’t budge. Heather still insisted they’d be done in a minute (A fact she kept repeating every twenty minutes for the last two hours) Ella decided to take matters into her own hands. A half baked plan had formed in her head, and in a defiant and desperate attempt to go home, she had purposefully pooped herself. Heather knew it was no accident, Ella had made sure of that by straining. Ella had gotten her wish. They had gone home. She had felt smug at first with her victory, despite her inner monologue screaming in disgust as she now had to sit in it for the duration of the car ride home. After being hosed off in the backyard and led back to her room, it was there that Ella realized she had made a terrible mistake. She had not expected an introduction to a certain white, hard plastic cooking spoon. Heather, it seemed, didn’t care if Cps found red welts on her behind that day. “Why did you do it?” Heather had asked, once she had finished spanking any residual defiant feelings out of Ella. “You had one rule!’ In between sobs, she did her best to explain. It had taken a while, but Heather finally understood. “If you needed to stop and rest that badly you should have told me!” Ella wanted to throw her hands up in frustration, but she had lost the will to fight. She HAD asked. And begged. And pleaded. She had done everything but held a large banner and danced in front of her. Heather sighed when Ella turned away from her signaling the end of the conversation. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget you’re not normal.” Heather immediately cringed and tried to take it back, but the damage had been done. No amount of, “I didn’t mean it like that’s” could take it back and their relationship had taken another hit. Heather had only been referring to Ella’s stamina level, but it had come out the wrong way. With her back turned to her, Ella didn’t see the tears rolling down Heather’s face. Ella wiped her face and stretched. That had been weeks ago, and in kid years, it was practically eons. They had never talked about it again, but Ella noticed Heather checking in on her more often when they were out of the house. She had even rented Ella a stroller when they had returned to the mall to finish shopping. It was kind of embarrassing at first, and it was a tight fit, but it was leagues better than walking until she felt like she would pass out. One hour in and she had even fallen asleep, despite being partially buried in clothes. Danielle laughed again and Ella poked her head out. Danielle was watching TikTok videos on her phone. Ella was only mildly jealous Danielle got the internet on her phone and she didn’t. She could text and make phone calls, but other than using it for typing words she couldn’t say, it was more of a paperweight. Heather usually held on to it for her when they went out since Ella’s pant size was too small for it to fit in her pocket without risking it falling out. When Danielle noticed Ella was awake, she motioned for her to join her. “Look look, I swear this is how mom wakes up in the mornings.” Ella waddled over and watched the short clip. It was of a redheaded woman sitting up in bed. She yawned, and stretched before saying, “I’m gonna be a bitch today!” Ella chuckled along with Danielle. She sat on her bed and the two of them watched videos together. Ella usually enjoyed anything to do with cats and art, while Danielle liked silly dances. She had even managed to get Ella to dance with her on a few occasions for a video. Danielle wasn’t allowed to upload them, but she enjoyed making them. Even Ella had to admit she had had fun when they played with the face filters together. “Mom has a surprise for you in the living room.” Danielle said. Ella raised an eyebrow, but Danielle would say no more. When Ella got up and headed for the door Danielle stopped her. “You can’t go out for another half-hour though, I’m supposed to keep you distracted until ten.” Then why tell me? “Because I can.” Danielle said with a grin. Ella scowled. So much for her test of courage. Oh well, she thought as she re-joined Danielle. If she was going to wet her diaper afterall, her sister's bed was as good a place as any. She laid down as close to Danielle as possible and rested her head on Danielle’s shoulder before smiling up at her. “I don’t trust that look for a second.” Danielle eyed her suspiciously. Ella only smiled wider and let out a content sigh. It took her a second to realize what Ella was doing. “No! No! No! Get off my bed! Do that on your side of the room!” Ella decided to take it a step farther and pin Danielle down by sitting on her stomach. “Get off me! Get off me! EWW! It’s all warm!” Ella cackled while Danielle pushed her off. Ella went back to her side of the room as Danielle shivered and hugged herself, clearly now traumatized. Ella laughed as she retrieved her changing supplies. She threw a towel on her bed and sat down before emptying her bladder for real this time. She hadn’t really peed on Danielle, but she was in no hurry to console her. Once she was finished, she untapped it and slid it out from under her. “Why do you wear those now?” Danielle asked. Ella looked up to find Danielle watching her. “Doesn’t it feel gross?” Ella shook her head and cleaned herself up before taping on a new one. The pull-ups were way worse, at least these don’t leak. She texted Danielle once she had finished everything. It was weird at first, but you get used to them pretty fast. “I’ll take your word for it.” She had actually been quite horrified when the school had told her to wear diapers, but she had been surprised to find the pros out weighed the cons. While less discreet than pull ups, she found them to be much more comfortable. She didn’t have to worry about them leaking either. She could sit at her desk all day and her butt would never get sore. She also found she had far less anxiety attacks during the day. Even Heather had commented she had seemed less uptight. Is this what normal people felt like when they didn’t have to worry about every time they had to pee? She pulled her night shirt off and changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt as Danielle changed as well. She wondered what surprise Heather had for her. Her hopes weren’t really high. Her last few birthdays had been very uneventful. Despite her low expectations, she found herself checking the time every couple of seconds. By the time Heather called down the hall for them, Ella was pacing the floor. Ella made her way down the hall, and peeked her head around the corner. She could hear voices talking in the kitchen. There were people here, but who? She slowly stepped out and took a step in their direction when a hand shot out and grabbed her shoulder. “RAH!” yelled the male voice. Ella spun around and in the process, managed to trip over her own feet and fell on her butt with an audible, “poof”. When her heart finally stopped racing she looked up at the source of the noise. It took her a second to recognize him without his usual tan jumpsuit. Her eyes widened in shock. It was Pedro from the hospital! What in the world was he doing here? “Did I scare you?” He laughed as he offered her a hand up. She nodded too stunned for words. “Still as quiet as ever, aren't you?” “Oh, you leave her alone!” Another voice said. No...way... She didn’t want to believe it in case she was wrong. She turned around, shock still evident on her face. “Happy birthday, honey.” Ella ran and threw her arms around Rose’s waist nearly knocking the coffee out of her hand. She laughed and thanked Heather who took the mug from her, before Rose bent down and hoisted Ella up in her arms. “Ohh! I missed you so much!” “Me too!” Ella said, throwing her arms around Rose’s neck. “There’s that sweet voice I’ve been hearing so much about!” Ella didn’t think her voice sounded very sweet. It still went in and out switching from high to low. Her classmates often referred to her as, “prepubescent.” She found it rather embarrassing and she still wrote her replies when she could get away with it. Right now though nothing mattered. She giggled as Rose spun her around. “You’re getting so big! Heather, what have you been feeding this kid?” “Oh you know, I mix a couple scoops of Miracle Grow in her food when she’s not looking.” “You must be! I don’t remember her being so heavy! And look at all that hair!” Rose exclaimed. She waved a hand through Ella’s full head of curly black hair. “Gee, I see how it is, Ella. You scream when you see me, but when you see her, you run into her arms.” Pedro said. “She’s the big bad scary nurse with all the needles. I’m the one who snuck you all that candy. I thought we had something special!” “That’s what you get for being a gilipollas and scaring her.” Pedro feigned hurt. “Can you believe her? Do you know what she just called me?” Rose ignored him. “You remember my husband, Pedro?” Ella’s eyes widened. She looked from Rose, then to Pedro, then back to Rose. “Since when?” “Oh, since about 30 years ago.” Rose chuckled. Ella’s mouth fell open. She had no idea they were married. When Rose set Ella down, she eagerly pulled her all around the house on a small tour. She showed Rose her half of the bedroom, some pictures she had drawn, and introduced her to Ribbit. When she showed her the front of the fridge in the kitchen, Rose let out a chuckle. It had been a running joke in the house when they saw how well Ella could draw. They had hung up a couple of sketches with magnets. One was from Ella, another from Danielle and one by Charlie, each with their name and age. Ella had made a realistic rendition of Ribbit’s face while Charlie and Danielle had made stick figures that kind of looked like cats...if you squinted hard enough. “So when’s Leslie and ...every one coming.” Danielle asked. “They’re meeting us there.” Heather said. “Cool! Ella’s going to love it.” Danielle said. Ella looked from Danielle to Heather. “Love what?” “It’s a surprise.” they both said in unison. She stared at them in confusion. She thought Rose was her surprise. What could top her? …………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Ella stared wide eyed and open mouthed in amazement. She couldn’t believe such a place even existed, let alone she now possessed an all day pass for everything. There were video games, tunnels, trampolines, ball pits, slides, laser tag, go-carts, mini golf, a bowling alley, a blow up obstacle course. Her brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend everything there was she could do. Just when she thought it couldn’t get any better her eyes locked onto a familiar face. Kaylee. “I think she’s in shock.” Danielle said. “How?” Ella asked as Kaylee and what appeared to be her mom and older sister approached. “I was right, she is Leslie’s sister.” Danielle said. “Since mom already knows her and her mom, it was easy to convince her your friend wasn’t some diabolical juvenile delinquent there to steal your innocence. She talked with her mom on the phone and they worked out the details.” “Happy birthday!” Kaylee said grinning. “It was so hard to keep this from you yesterday! GOAT CHEESE!” Ella’s face was already hurting from how much she was smiling today. Not only did she get a day to play in a place that looked like child heaven, but her best friend was here too! She ran and gave Heather a hug. “Thank you!” “You’re so welcome, now go have fun! I have your things here if you need them.” The four of them took off without another look back. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………... “Thanks again for inviting us!” Olivia said. “I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me to see Kaylee getting invited to these types of things. I was so excited when I heard she had made a friend at school.” Heather felt a pang of guilt. Her reaction had not been so pure. Heather, Rose, Olivia, and Pedro sat on the bench reserved for their party. “Hi, I’m Olivia, I’m Kaylee and Leslie's mom.” She shook hands with Rose and Pedro. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Rose and this is my adult child husband Pedro who is currently drooling over the arcade.” Pedro snapped back into the conversation. “I like shiny things.” Pedro admitted with a shrug. The others laughed. “Fine, go.” Rose said with a roll of her eyes and a playful shove. He quickly bolted leaving the three women to talk. She turned her attention back to Olivia. “I am really happy as well Ella has made a friend.” “Are you her grandparents?” Olivia asked and Rose laughed. “No, my husband and I just retired from the hospital Ella had been staying in. I was her nurse for a couple years, and Pedro was an Environmental Specialist. We’re thinking of moving in the area.” This was news to Heather. She bit her lip. Ella would be ecstatic. She had never seen her so happy or talkative as she had been when she saw Rose. Heather felt a pang in her chest as she thought about what Rose had said last night. They had been planning on taking her in. Rose had the training to care for Ella in ways Heather could not. Would she have been better off with Rose and Pedro? Rose and Ella seemed to have a bond which Heather feared she would never have. She loved Ella, but it seemed she was making the wrong move at every turn. Rose had warned her of the difficulties of taking in a special needs child, but she had brushed her concerns off. She kept comparing her to a typical 11-year-old and Ella was the one paying for it. Now after hearing what had happened to Ella in her past, she knew she could never give her the kind of care Ella truly needed. She knew inside that if she truly loved Ella, she would have to let her go. So last night, after they had learned the truth, they had sat down and talked it over. After the party and the excitement had died down they would ask her and let Ella choose. She could stay here and continue to be a part of their family, or she could go with Rose. She had been let down by so many people in her life, she didn’t want Ella to feel she had abandoned her too. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………. When the group had made it back to the table for lunch, followed by cake and ice cream, Ella was exhausted. She had never in her life had so much fun. They had played tag in the tunnels, chased each other with laser guns, jousted, jumped on the trampolines, swung on a rope and landed in a pile of foam blocks. Her only disappointment had been when they told her she was too short to drive a go cart. Kaylee had stayed behind with Ella while their sisters went on ahead and joked about what catastrophic thing might happen if Kaylee had gotten behind the wheel. Kaylee and Ella both mimicked large explosions with their hands and tallied a possible body count. They had both laughed hysterically when Danielle crashed through the plastic barricade and the whole race had to be stopped so they could fix the track. After that they had gone on the bumper boats. Ella was thrilled when she got to drive one. It had taken a few moments to figure out how to steer it, and Kaylee laughed as they spun in circles in the water. They were both soaked by the time they got off after having fallen victim to Leslie and Danielle tag teaming them from both sides. Now she laid out on the bench holding her stomach. She had eaten too much pizza and ice cream. Reality had come and given her a wake up call. Her tummy wasn’t used to so much junk food and now she desperately had to go. She was mad at herself. The fear was still there, she was still stuck in the same place. Learning the truth had done nothing. Tears slid from her eyes in frustration. She couldn’t think of a single way this could end well for her. She wasn’t ready to leave! She wouldn’t even make it home. She doubted she could even make it to the car. It had come on fast and strong like it had the day they had brought her home. She didn’t want her perfect day cut short and end with her getting spanked by a plastic spoon. “What’s the matter, Ella?” Heather asked, bending over her. Rose was standing next to her too. Ella cringed and answered truthfully. She begged Heather not to punish her or take her home yet. Heather didn’t look pleased, but she didn’t seem angry. “What’s wrong, Ella?” Rose asked. “She has to go number two.” Heather said. “Usually that means I have to take her home since she won’t use the restroom.” “Why?” Rose asked curiously. “Did you not bring any spares?” She bent down the waist of Ella’s shorts to see what she was wearing. “There in the bag but…” Heather said. “We have a rule about no poopy diapers, if she wants to stay and play she has to be a big girl and use the restroom.” Without a word Rose picked up the bag before flinging it over her shoulder. “C’mon, Ella, let’s go to the truck.” She pulled her up by the hand. “I can’t make it home.” Ella whimpered. “I’m not taking you home.” She lifted Ella up in her arms and whispered. “We can handle a little messy diaper, can’t we.” Rose said. Ella blushed and let herself be carried to the parking lot. She set Ella back down and Rose unlocked the bed of the truck. “Come lay down on the blanket when you’re done.” Ella didn’t need to be told twice. She felt a rush of both relief and revulsion. When she felt her stomach had finally calmed down, she gingerly climbed in and laid down horizontally on the blanket near the edge. She felt grateful for the camper shell giving her a bit of privacy as Rose began gently stripping her down. It wasn’t very comfortable, but she didn’t care. “Did she really still think this is a choice you make, despite everything you’ve been through?” Rose asked, more to herself than to Ella. “On your birthday even, just because she doesn’t want to clean you up.” Ella could tell Rose was mad, but her hands were as gentle as ever, and she never made disgusted noises like Heather did. “Your clothes are all wet, what have you been doing?” Rose asked, turning her attention to Ella. Ella told her about the bumper boats and Rose laughed. “I’m glad you’re having so much fun.” Once she was clean, Rose taped a new diaper on and helped her into a dry change of pants. Ella sat on the bed of the truck and let her legs dangle and Rose joined her. “Do you feel better now?” Ella nodded, but worried it would happen again. Rose seemed to read her mind. “Come get me if you need another change.” I remember a certain little girl's stomach being relentless at times. Come here,” She lifted Ella into her arms and cradled her there. “I’ve missed you so much.” Rose whispered before she began to hum softly. “I missed you too.” Ella closed her eyes and rested her head against Rose’s chest. She had missed this most of all. Rose had a way of making all of Ella’s anxiety melt away. “I don’t want you to go.” “Come back with me.” Rose said. Ella shook her head. She didn’t want to go back to the hospital! Rose sighed. “I meant back inside.” Rose lied. “Your friends must be missing you.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………. Ella thought she could die happy. This had been the best birthday ever. They had gotten back home a little after 8 p.m. and she was exhausted. When Rose had sat down on the couch, Ella had eagerly climbed into her lap and had nearly fallen asleep the moment her head hit Rose’s chest. Now they were shaking her awake. She moaned in protest, she didn’t want Rose to go! “Ella, we need to talk, this is important.” Heather said. Ella clung on to Rose tighter. She wondered if she was in trouble for breaking the most important rule. Twice. Lunch really hadn’t agreed with her. “You’re not in trouble.” Rose whispered and Ella relaxed her grip. “We just wanna talk.” “Do you like living here?” Heather asked after a moment of silence. Ella nodded, feeling confused. She suddenly remembered what Rose had asked her and began to cry. They were sending her back to the hospital! She buried her face in Rose’s chest and sobbed. “Tell us what you’re thinking.” Rose said. She rubbed Ella’s back, but the girl refused to turn around. “You. Want. To. Get. Rid. Of. Me.” Ella managed to choke out. “No, Ella, I want you here, but most importantly, I want what’s best for you. Do you understand? I might not be what you need right now.” Heather admitted. “I don’t have the...experience to give you the kind of one on one care you deserve. This is entirely up to you. If you want to stay here you are welcome to. You’ll always have a place here. We love you, but it’s because we love you that we’re asking you. Do you want to stay here with us, or do you want to go back with Rose?” How could they ask her if she wanted to go back? What about school? What about Kaylee? And Danielle? And Ribbit? “No hos-hosp!” She couldn’t get the word out! Suddenly she felt Rose’s arms squeeze her tight. “No, honey. When I asked you if you wanted to come back with me, I didn’t mean come back to the hospital.” Rose said. Ella looked up at her. Then what had she meant? “Pedro and I would like to know if you’d like to come be part of our family?” Ella’s eyes went wide. She studied each of their faces carefully. Were they serious? “You don’t have to give us an answer tonight.” Heather said. “We’ve talked it over. We don’t want to uproot you from the friends you’ve already made and make you start all over again. We found a house in the area we’re interested in, so if you wanted to stay close by and keep going to the same school, you can.” “And you can come visit us anytime.” Heather threw in. “This isn’t good-bye.” Ella looked back up at Rose. Were they really serious? “I don’t want to lose you again.” Rose whispered so only she could hear. “I’ll never replace your biological mom, Ella, but I don’t want us to be nurse and patient anymore, I want us to be mother and daughter. I love you, diapered butt and all.” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 10 Years Later “Look who’s finally old enough to drink!” Danielle cheered, lifting up her wine glass in the air. “The baby of the group is finally legal!” “Like being underage ever stopped her before,”Kaylee said. Ella snickered, taking a sip from her margarita. “Uh, you didn’t hear that, mom.” Ella said. “La la la la la.” Rose said, covering her ears. “Luckily, we had such nice older sisters who snuck us beer.” Kaylee said. “La la la la la.” “Shh, guys. You’re giving my mom the wrong impression.” Ella said. “She thinks I’m a good girl.” she whispered. “Ha! I knew you were trouble the moment you took off streaking down the hospital corridor.” Rose said. Danielle choked on her wine. “Eat Shit!” Kaylee yelled, before barking. “No one’s going to take our orders if you keep telling everyone to eat shit who passes by us.” Leslie said. “Oh, remember that time she threw a taco across that mexican restaurant, and it hit that dude in the face.” Danielle said. “He had guacamole and sour cream all over his cheek.” The group laughed. “So have you guys set a date yet?” Ella asked. “You’ve been engaged since you finished high school.” “We’re waiting until I graduate college.” Kaylee said, wrapping her arms around the man sitting next to her. “Right, Brian?” Ella groaned as they kissed. “Don’t be jealous, Ella.” “I still can’t believe you two of all people ended up together. You guys hated each other when we were kids.” “What? I don’t remember that?” Kaylee said. “How could I ever hate you?” Brian asked. They kissed again. Ella made retching noises. “Keep that up and you lose your spot as my Maid of Honor.” Kaylee threatened. Ella just laughed. “What? I’m your sister! I should be your Maid of Honor.” Leslie said. “And she’s my best friend.” “Ella, is it true your thinking of applying to Dartmouth?” Danielle asked. “Thinking about it, I’m not sure yet. I can’t decide if I want to just stick with my B.a. when I graduate or go for my masters. The thought of taking on any more student loan debt is like ehh.” She pulled an imaginary noose around her neck. “Why Dartmouth though? In-state universities are so much cheaper.” “I don’t know, it’s just a thought. Something about that school has always stuck with me. Must be something from when I was a kid.” “Ella, come with me! I have to go to the bathroom!” Kaylee said, prying herself away from Brian. “Huh, oh sure,” she said. She stood up a little too fast and stumbled over her feet. “You’re such a lightweight,” Kaylee teased. “Do I need to carry you there?” “Careful! She bites!” Rose called out. Heather and Rose both snickered. Ella sat on the toilet and pulled her phone out flicking through all the “Happy Birthdays!” on facebook while Kaylee talked about work from the next stall over. There was a notification about a new episode from her favorite true crime podcast having been released. She’d listen to that tonight when she got home. She had been looking forward to it all week. The host had hinted it was one of those bizarre cases and those were Ella’s favorite. She loved the weird ones. As she was washing her hands in the sink she stared at her reflection. She still looked young for her age. She could tell the waitress had a hard time believing her ID was real. She was short at a mere 5’1. Kaylee’s 5’7 reflection towered over her. Most everyone towered over her. She took in the bathroom as Kaylee dried her hands. Wasn’t there a time she had been scared of them? Why was that? She couldn’t really remember. Wasn’t it something to do with water? She remembered the reason, but it didn’t really make sense to her. Looking back it seemed silly. “Was I really scared of bathrooms?” Ella asked Kaylee as they were headed back to the table. “Oh gosh, I forgot about that. Yeah, don’t you remember how we met? You peed on the rug in front of me your first day.” “I did not!” Ella said. “Oh, god, I did. I remember!” She buried her face in her hands. “Remember what?” Brian asked. “Ella’s first day at school when she peed on the rug.” Brian chuckled. “Oh yeah! I remember that.” “Oh so that you remember.” Ella groaned, shaking her head. “Oh! Are we roasting Ella for her birthday? I want in!” Danielle said. “There was that time when she lived with us and she pooped in the litterbox and tried to pass it off on the cat! Mom freaked out and took our cat to the emergency vet, along with the poop. $250 later and we learned there was no way that came from a cat.” The group roared with laughter and Ella continuously banged her head against the table. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. “Did you have fun tonight?” Rose asked as Ella collapsed on the couch. “Yeah, thanks for dinner, mom. It was nice to get to see everyone again. It’s been awhile since everyone’s been in town.” She gave her a hug before getting up. “I think i’m going to go to bed early tonight. I’m tired.” “Okay, goodnight sweetie. I love you.” “I love you too, mom.” Ella kicked her shoes off, shimmied out of her jeans, and stretched out on her bed. She scrolled through facebook for a few minutes, before clicking on the new podcast episode and hit play. She set her phone down on the nightstand, closed her eyes and listened. “Now this week's episode is a little controversial. It contains crimes against children, so if that makes you uncomfortable you might want to skip it.” The female host warned. “Now if you’re still tuned in, do I have a story for you.’ “Thirteen years ago, police were called to an apartment building by a man claiming to be a concerned neighbor. He said he heard, what to him, sounded like a gunshot and would they please come and do a welfare check. When Police get there, they are shocked at what they find. A woman is lying dead in the master bedroom from what appears to be a self inflicted gunshot wound. So they continue their search of the house, when suddenly one of the cops yells from the bathroom. There on the floor is what appears to be the body of a small child, but after a quick check they discover to their amazement, she has a pulse. They quickly call in an ambulance and rush her to the hospital, only for doctors and hospital staff to know exactly who she is.” “So her name was never released to the public, so for the sake of the story, let’s just call her Kelly. Now Kelly was a very sick little girl. She was constantly in and out of the hospital, was severely underweight, and to top off everything, had terminal cancer. That’s why police were so shocked when they found a pulse. By all accounts she looked dead. When Kelly finally wakes up, doctors are stumped. She can’t remember a thing, and more bizarrely, she can’t talk. From what I’ve gathered this was a really friendly, talkative little girl even despite her circumstances. So after discussing how she was found with police, doctors thought given her severely weakened state, it was perfectly plausible she had accidentally fallen and hit her head. Police quickly shut the case and rule her mothers death a suicide. Police figure she had walked in the bathroom, found her daughter unconscious in the bathroom and thought her dead, just as police had. In her grief, she had taken her own life. The gun had been found lying next to her after all. Pretty open and shut case, right? Well that’s where you'd be wrong. Now this is where this case takes a sudden twist. It’s not until two years later that police get a phone call from a school for kids with special needs. It’s a school a six hour drive away, and one of the teachers begins to talk about one of her students. The student in question is Kelly and she’s starting to remember bits and pieces of that night, and what she has to tell police will throw everything they thought they knew about her mother's death right out the window. So Kelly tells them she remembers a man being there that night, and even stranger, that it was the same man the school caught on surveillance that very morning leaving a very expensive gift, for none other than Kelly. Kelly identifies the man as Stanley Vertamin, a previous sports coach she had before she had gotten ill. Police quickly track down Stanley in town and bring him in for questioning, and there he admits everything. According to Stanley, he first met Diane Marsh nearly 12 years previously in Las Vegas. They get to talking, and he invites her up to his room, and she agrees. He says they have consensual sex and she leaves. They have a one night stand and neither of them ever expects to run into each other again, but little did they know they would cross paths nine years later in a completely different state. Stanley Vertamin is now working as a kids soccer coach and he notices one girl in particular looks stunningly like his daughter. They have the same build, the same eyes, the same black hair. When he sees who comes and picks her up the truth hits him like a ton of bricks. He recognizes her immediately as the woman he had had an affair with all those years ago and quickly does the math. The girl looks like his daughter, because she was his daughter as well. Stanley approaches Diane and she admits that yes, she had gotten pregnant after their affair. She tells him though not to worry, she wasn’t coming after him for child support, and meeting him here had only been a fluke. She tells him basically just go on with your life, pretend this didn’t happen, and just treat her like any other kids on the team. Stanley quickly realizes he can’t do that. He finds himself giving Kelly extra pointers and keeping more of an eye on her than anyone else on the team. It’s while he’s been watching her that he begins to notice a drastic change come over her. Instead of her usual energetic and bubbly personality, she seems to always be tired. She has this overall unhealthy look about her and she always seems to be covered in these big nasty bruises. In Stanley’s mind, he immediately thinks the worst. He suspects Diane has been abusing Kelly, and he needs to step in and stop it. He confronts Diane after practice one day and Diane is pissed. She immediately pulls Kelly off the team and tells her she has to stay away from him. Things begin to take a turn for the worst and she begins to notice a change in Kelly too. At first she thought the bruises were from playing sports. You know, she’s a kid and kids fall and get hurt all the time, but even after Kelly stops playing soccer, all she wants to do is sleep. Diane knows something is up now and takes Kelly to the doctor. She starts to think Kelly has mono, or she’s anemic, or something minor along those lines. What she was not expecting was to be told Kelly has leukemia. When rumors of Kelly’s condition reaches Stanley, he immediately gets in touch with Diane to apologize and he rounds up the whole team to come visit Kelly in the hospital. They all sign a big, giant get well card and bring her flowers and such. It’s then that Stanley notices Diane looks awful. She’s clearly stressed, she’s lost weight, she looks exhausted. He keeps asking her how she’s doing, but Diane just puts on a brave face and says they're managing. It didn’t take long at all before Diane had completely gone through her savings to pay for Kelly’s treatments, and the bills just kept piling up. She had had to quit her job in order to take care of Kelly, and It had gotten to the point where Diane was having to make choices about what bills she paid. Did she make the car payment or did she pay rent? Then came the worst news imaginable that no parent wants to hear. Kelly’s treatments were not working. It was starting to look like there was nothing more they could do. This round of chemo was about to finish up in a couple weeks, and doctors were telling her that once it finished, she should probably just keep Kelly home and try to make her as comfortable as possible. At the rate her cancer is spreading, doctors give her an estimated six months left to live. Diane is understandably crushed. She’s a single mom desperately trying to hold it all together for her daughter. A few more weeks go by and Stanley says this is where she runs into Diane and Kelly again. He notices their car run right through a red light and he follows them home to make sure everything’s okay. He gets out of the car and knocks on the drivers side window. That’s when he notices Diane is just sitting there spacing out of the window. She’s not responding to him at all, so he opens the door and is startled to find Diane just sitting in a pool of urine just staring at nothing. He debates calling 9-1-1 but Diane kind of snaps out of it a little. She’s still clearly not ok according to Stanley, but she is making eye contact and talking. Relieved, he helps her inside only to find their apartment is an absolute disaster. It looks like no one’s cleaned in months. He puts both Diane and Kelly to bed, and does what he can to try and tidy up a bit. He picks up all the trash, does the dishes, vacuums. It’s not great, but it was certainly better than how he found it. While he was picking up, that’s when he noticed all the past due notices for just about everything, and worse an eviction notice for two weeks from then. That’s when Diane comes back out. She looks a lot better than before and whatever had happened, she seems to have snapped out of it. She is surprised to find him in her living room. So he tells her what happened and how she was acting strange. She’s shocked. She didn’t remember any of that. Stanley insists Diane go to the hospital and get checked out, but she refuses. She keeps insisting she’s fine and admits she’s been under a ton of stress. She hasn’t been sleeping because she’s been up most nights with Kelly when she gets sick. He makes a deal with her. He promises to spend the night on the couch and look after Kelly so Diane can get some sleep. In return if he doesn’t feel she’s at tip top shape she has to go to the doctor. Diane agrees and thinks maybe she just needs a good night sleep after all. She feels totally fine. He orders them all dinner, and by 7pm Kelly says she’s going to bed. By 9 p.m. Diane says she’s going to. She brings Stanley a blanket and pillow and thanks him for all the help. He lays down on the couch and falls asleep. When he awakens around 11pm, he hears strange noises coming from the bathroom. He figures that must be Kelly getting sick and rushes over to help. Instead, what he finds makes him absolutely freeze in his tracks. The weird sound wasn’t Kelly getting sick. The sound was Diane holding Kelly underneath the water while she repeated over and over “Let mommy make it all better.” Kelly is fighting and thrashing in the bath and the sound of splashing water seems to snap Stanley out of his shock. He rushes to Diane and tries to pull her away from Kelly, but she is completely fixated on drowning her daughter. It takes all his strength but he finally wrestles Diane away, only to find Diane once again in a complete trance like before. That’s when he notices what’s in Diane’s hand. A gun. At this point Stanley realizes Diane has completely snapped. There is no waking her up from this. She just keeps repeating, “Let mommy make it all better.” She has gone into a completely dissociative state and Stanley realizes it's her or them. He charges Diane and manages to push her back into the bedroom where she drops the gun. He picks it up and sure enough Diane keeps ignoring him and going after Kelly. If he wants to save Kelly he has to act now, and that’s when he pulls the trigger. He drops the gun and runs to Kelly. He finds her floating facedown in the water motionless and he’s terrified he’s too late. He pulls her out of the bathtub and onto the floor where he begins chest compressions. Just when he’s about to give up hope, she begins coughing up water. He does his best to reassure her, but she goes unconscious. Satisfied she’s breathing at least, he goes to check on Diane and that’s when he realizes what he did. He finds her bleeding from a shot to the side of the head and begins to panic. She’s clearly dead and he knows it doesn’t look good for him. So he wipes the prints off the gun and sticks it by Diane. He checks on Kelly one more time before calling 9-1-1 pretending to be a concerned neighbor and takes off. Stanley is at first charged with one count of first degree homicide, one count of felony tampering with a crime scene and one count of felony child endangerment. Later the charges of first degree homicide are reduced to manslaughter and Stanley pleads guilty in order to avoid dragging Kelly through the stress of testifying at trial. He was sentenced to 15-25 years in prison, but three years into his sentence he was killed by a fellow inmate during a fight. Some people see Stanley as a father who did what needed to be done in order to save his daughter’s life. Others see Stanley as full of shit. Some people theorize that when Diane was desperate for money, she threatened to tell his wife about Kelly, and he snapped. Unfortunately, we only have Stanley’s version of events and whether true or not, he is facing his just rewards in the afterlife. So what do you think happened?” Ella turned off her phone and sat there motionless for quite some time. Let mommy make it all better. “No! That couldn’t be what happened!” but she knew it was true. She had never told anyone those words before. She numbly stood up and went out to the living room. Why? “Hey, I thought you said you were going to bed.” Rose said. One look at Ella’s face and she knew something was very wrong. She stood up and went to her side. “Ella, what’s the matter? Talk to me.” “You lied to me.” Ella said. Rose sighed and led Ella to the couch. There was no point in playing dumb. Rose knew she’d learn the truth eventually. “Yes, we lied.” Rose said as she held Ella’s hand in hers. “Why?” the numbness and shock were beginning to wear off and the truth was starting to set in. “Ella, you were ten years old. You were traumatized! You didn’t need to know! You couldn’t handle knowing the truth. You couldn’t set foot near a bathroom without having a panic attack until you were nearly 13!” “Have you known this whole time?” “We first heard his story the night before your eleventh birthday. Do you remember?” Ella did. It was her favorite memory. She had felt wanted for the first time. “Is it true?” “Only you can tell us that.” Let mommy make it all better. “It’s true.” Ella fell to the floor and began to sob harder than she had in years. She was vaguely aware of Rose kneeling down next to her and rocking her in her arms. “Why did she?” “Your mother loved you, Ella. I don’t know what happened towards the end, maybe watching you suffer was just too much. Maybe she thought ending your pain was a kinder fate.” Let mommy make it all better. “But the cancer didn’t kill me, she would have ended my life for nothing.” “But she didn’t, because you are the strongest and bravest person I have ever known, and I have a wonderful daughter now as a result. Pedro would be so proud to see the woman you’ve grown up to be.” She looked longingly at the ceramic urn on the mantle. Ella wiped her face on her arms. They were right. Knowing would have killed her then. “How about you come sleep with me tonight? I’ll keep the nightmares away while you sleep.” “I’m too old to sleep with you now.” Ella chuckled. “Wouldn’t that be weird?” “You are never too old to need a mother's love. Remember what I told you when you were younger? You don’t have to be in such a hurry to grow up. It’s okay to take a step back when you need to. The world will still be there when you’re ready to face it.” The End

Ella had only had ten minutes alone with the tablet. Ten minutes! She had been completely transfixed by the brightness and colors of its loading screen, before it had been unceremoniously yanked from her grasp. At first she thought it had been Brian. Ella was already prepared to bite him if necessary, but it hadn’t been him at all. It was Mrs. Hernandez. “I’m sorry, Ella, but we think this might be unsafe for you.” “No, it’s mine!” Her words sounded a lot more like “Mr. Mime!” but her reaching hands made it perfectly clear she wasn’t giving it up without a fight. It wasn’t fair! It was hers! What did they think it was going to do, blow up? She sat in stunned disbelief as she watched Mrs. Hernandez set it into a drawer in her desk. Ella was crushed. Her mood kept cycling from anger, to sadness, before finally settling on a slim ray of hope when Kaylee suggested maybe she just couldn’t have it at school. “Maybe it would make the other kids jealous or something. They’ll probably give it to Heather once school’s over.” Kaylee said once Ella had filled her in. Ella’s mood lifted considerably after hearing this. It made sense. Maybe they thought Kaylee would accidentally throw it at her and that’s why they thought it was unsafe for her. She looked at the clock. Just four more hours until she got it back. She had almost been able to calm herself down and focus on her work when something completely unexpected happened. There was a knock on the classroom door and in walked two police officers. Everyone stopped what they were doing and gaped at them. The room fell silent. Ella looked on with interest. Were they having some kind of presentation? Oh! Did they bring their dog with them? She had seen cops with dogs before. She looked around eagerly as they talked quietly with Mrs. Hernandez by the door. She was a little disappointed when she peeked through the gap in their legs and didn’t see a dog, but any presentation was better than doing word problems in math. “I hope they taze someone.” Kaylee whispered. “ Brian maybe.” “Kaylee!” Jasmine admonished. “What? He’ll live!” Jasmine just shook her head and got up to see what was going on. The four of them whispered among themselves. They now seemed to be asking Jasmine a lot of questions. “Hey, since you don’t talk, does that mean you have, like, super hearing?” Kaylee asked. Ella raised an eyebrow and gave her a puzzled look. “What? I heard if someone loses a sense, their other ones get stronger. Like if you were blind or something…” Ella just gave her another puzzled look and shook her head. The only thing “super” being partially mute got her was super annoyed. There was a heavy air of disappointment when Mr. Hernandez pointed down the hall and the cops turned around and left. “Bummer.” Kaylee said. “I thought something interesting might happen.” Ella was about to agree with her, but then Mrs. Hernandez spoke. “Ella, could you pack up your stuff and come with us? Your mom’s waiting for us in the conference room.” Ella felt her mouth go dry. She could hear the excited chatter around her. Was she the reason the cops were here? Her fears were confirmed when Mrs. Hernandez reached into her desk and pulled out the white tablet. Ella had a silent conversation with Kaylee that consisted of wide eyes, shoulder shrugs and shakes of the head. Once she was all packed, she gave Kaylee another fearful look before following Mrs. Hernandez and Jasmine out the door, around the corner and into a conference room. There seated at the table was Heather and the two police officers from earlier. …………………………………………………………………………………………………… By the time they let Ella leave, her hand was cramping from the amount of writing they had made her do. They had so many questions that never seemed to stop. Who was the man in the video camera? Why was he leaving her gifts? Did she know he was in town? She wrote all her answers down as best she could on a piece of paper. Yes, she knew him from soccer, and no, she didn’t know he was in town. Why was he leaving her expensive gifts? Because it was her birthday? Then the questions took a different turn. Had he ever touched her? Yes. Had he kissed her? Yes. Where? On the lips. Was she standing, sitting, or laying down? Laying down. Was she clothed or naked? Naked. Did he touch her other places? Yes. Did he touch her chest? Yes. Did he touch her anywhere lower? Yes. Where? He had bandaged her ankle when she had sprained it during a match. Had he touched her any other times? Yes, he had given her hugs before. Did he touch her butt when giving her hugs? No, why would he touch her butt? The questions just kept going and going. Heather had grabbed her hand under the table and given it a squeeze. “You’re so brave.” Heather had said. Ella didn’t feel brave. She only felt confused. They started asking her questions about the night her mother died. Was he there that night? Yes. Was she sure? Yes. Was he touching her that night? Yes. Is that when he kissed her and touched her chest? Yes. Was he being gentle or rough? Rough. Did she see a gun? No. Did she have guns in the house? She didn’t know. Did she hear a gunshot? No. What was the last thing she remembered her mother doing? Giving her a bath. What time was that? A little after 10 pm, she had gotten sick on herself. Was it possible he had given her something to make her sick? No, she was always sick around that time. Why? Chemo. Was he in the room with her when she was getting a bath? No. Was he there earlier that night or had he just shown up? She couldn’t remember. There were many questions she couldn’t answer, like exact times, dates, names. They wanted information from her on an event her brain wouldn’t even let her have access to. She was the one who wanted answers about that night! They should go ask him! They informed her they were doing just that. “Is he cooperating? Has he admitted what he did to her?” Heather asked. “As soon as the night in question was brought up, he shut down and demanded a lawyer. Questioning will resume later this evening. This is why we need your daughter’s statement. If we can’t charge him with a crime within 48 hours we have no choice but to let him go.” One of the officers said. “Let him go? So he can go out and assault other children!? He took advantage of a very sick Eight year old! Not only did he follow her out here, but look at what he left her! He’s still grooming her.” Heather showed him the tablet. “I googled what this is! This isn’t some cheap knock off, this is a Wacom Cintiq! It goes for nearly $700 on Amazon! How isn’t that proof enough? Do you think soccer coaches just go around leaving $700 gifts to old teammates?” “We’d actually like to take a log that in as evidence. If he is stalking her, there’s a chance he bought this for the purpose of spying on her. There are ways to tap into a camera on an electronic device remotely.” They began asking more questions, things like what she did online and if she had given anyone she didn’t know her new address. Ella shook her head. She wasn’t allowed on-line. Heather and the officers continued to talk while they made Ella fill out a written statement of everything she remembered. It had felt like hours before they seemed content with what information they had collected. Ella nursed her cramped hand while they packed all of her signed statements into a folder. She was even willing to attempt verbal communication if it meant not picking up another pencil for the rest of her life. “I want to be there.” said Ella. It came out a garbled mess. The officers looked at each other as if to ask Did you catch that, before looking to the others for clarification. “Absolutely not!” Heather nearly shouted. “You are not getting within ten miles of him let alone ten feet.” Ella felt frustrated. They had put her through all that, and Heather wasn’t going to let her go. She had so many questions that needed answers! “We don’t think that would be a very good idea.” The female officer looked at Ella and gave her a sympathetic smile. “We want to keep you safe. That’s our number one priority.” She then looked up at Heather. “We do have an idea if you want to hear it.” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Heather didn’t like this. Heather didn’t like this one bit. She walked the steps to the courthouse, fiddling with the wire as she did so. The cord for the microphone ran up the inside of her blouse and rested underneath her shirt collar. At least she wasn’t doing this alone. She looked at Rose, who seemed to have an eerily similar look of doubt plastered across her face. As soon as Heather told Rose she had learned they had him in custody, she had grabbed her husband and they had driven non-stop through the afternoon. She had barely made it out of the car when she had been lured into their crazy plan by the police. Ella didn’t even know she was in town. “You ready?” Heather asked. “No.” Rose responded. “What makes them so sure he will talk to us over them? He will probably just feed us a bunch of bull shit.” “I know, but they want to get him talking before his lawyer gets here, off the record.” Heather did air quotes around “off the record”. They were just supposed to be concerned caretakers wanting to know what happened to Ella that night. They wern’t supposed to ask anything related to sexual abuse, they were only to ask questions as if he was an innocent bystander. Pfft, innocent, Heather thought. It was a good thing Rose would be there with her, otherwise she might be tempted to rip his head off right then and there. She needed someone there to pay her bail if she hit him. “Isn’t this illegal?” Rose asked. “I thought you needed consent to record someone or else it’s inadmissible.” “It is, they just want to play it back to him and trick him into confessing.” “You would have to be pretty brave, or pretty stupid to admit to molesting a girl to the girls’ family. I don’t know what they think we are going to accomplish.” They checked in at the lobby and pinned their visitor badges to the front of their shirts. Heather’s heart was beating out of her chest. Her clothing was beginning to stick to her body from sweat. There was no way she could just act like they were having a friendly chat. Heather and Rose followed the male officer down a hall and into a visiting area. Heather peeked into a window and saw him sitting alone in a large room of tables. He was wearing normal street clothes with a visitor badge and looking at his phone. He wasn’t even cuffed. “I don’t understand. I thought he had been arrested.” Heather said. Rose agreed. She had been under that impression too. “No, ma’m, he is here voluntarily. He was only asked to come in for an interview today. He can leave whenever he wants.” Heather and Rose exchanged worried looks. “What about all that about holding him for 48 hours?” The officer looked confused. “I don’t know anything about that. He was only asked to come give a statement.” So they had either lied to her, or didn’t know what was going on. Neither thought was very comforting. The last thing Heather wanted to think about was incompetent police, but the thought that they had lied to Ella filled her with rage. When they had been led into the waiting room, with its faux wooden tables and vending machines that reminded her of a break room, the man briefly looked up. “Are either of you my lawyer?” He asked, looking hopeful. They had this all planned out, but the moment she locked eyes with him, her speech seemed to fail her. She hadn’t expected him to look so...so...ordinary. It wasn’t like she was expecting him to scream, “child predator” but he looked like your run of the mill dad you’d see at a park pushing his kid in a swing, or a dad getting stuck playing chaperone on a school field trip to a group of hyper-active girls. The blurry footage on the security camera with its finger print smeared lens, had made him look downright sinister, but as he sat there with his long black hair pulled tight in a neat bun and a maroon, buttoned down, long sleeved shirt tucked into black slacks, he looked genuinely out of place in a prison. It made Heather all the more angry. How many parents had he fooled? How many innocent kids had he lured in? “No, sorry, we’re just waiting for someone.” Rose said. He let out a disappointed sigh. “I just want to get this over with.” He mumbled to himself as he tapped anxiously against the table. He seemed to take in Rose for a moment as if just noticing her. “You look familiar.” “I was about to say the same thing about you.” she replied. Heather was impressed. How Rose managed to keep her composure and sound friendly was beyond Heather, when Heather herself was fighting every impulse to tackle him to the ground and gouge out his eyes with her thumbs. “Where do I know you from?” His brow creased in confusion. “Do you have any kids? Do they play sports? I’ve coached several youth leagues over the years.” Heather had to resist the urge to ask if along with coaching several leagues, had he also molested several children as well? She decided that it might be better to let Rose do the talking. She walked over to the vending machines, feigning indifference to the conversation. The first hurdle was over, they had made contact and he seemed willing to chat. “None of my own, but i’ve treated my fair share of sports injuries, sprained ankles and broken bones mostly, but every once in a while I’d see a bad case of heat exhaustion in the summer. I hope you remind those kids of yours to drink plenty of water.” He smiled weakly and nodded his head. “I try my best to keep them from drinking those sports drinks and sodas, but you know kids, they think they're invincible. Common sense seems to go in one ear and out the other.” “I once treated a kid, who after seeing spider-man, decided to pick up a black widow with his bare hands in order to get superpowers.” Rose said. They both cringed. “Are you a doctor?” “Pediatric nurse, I worked the emergency room for 15 years, but the last handful have been spent in long-term care. Those are the kids with blood diseases, severe birth defects, and...cancer.” His eyes suddenly flashed in recognition. “Do you happen to work out of Loma Linda?” “I did, did you-” she paused and squinted her eyes for show. “You said you coached kids soccer right? I do vaguely remember an entire team, jerseys and all, piled into a single room.” “Guilty.” he said with a slight smile. “So sad.” He muttered more to himself. “Was it cancer? Or…?” “Yeah, leukemia.” he said, wringing his hands together. “Such a sweet girl. She didn’t deserve that, no one does.” Heather glared at the assortment of snacks trying to hide her anger and thought, she certainly didn’t deserve you. “Do you remember her? I mean, I’m sure you’ve dealt with so many kids it must be hard to remember a particular one, but her name is Isabella.” “Can i join you?” Rose asked motioning to the empty seat at his table. “Please,” he said. “I could use the company; I’m a little nervous. By the way, I’m Stanley, but you can call me Stan.” He extended his hand and Rose shook it. “Rose, and yes, I remember Ella. She was someone very special to me.” “She was special to me as well.” Both women clenched their fists. “I should have taken responsibility for my actions when I had the chance.” Heather felt a wave of satisfaction as she watched him choke back a sob. The guilt was eating him alive. Maybe they could get a confession out of him after all. Heather had expected Rose to push the issue further, but her response surprised her. “I regret my actions too.” Rose admitted. “I’ve regretted them everyday.” Now it was Rose’s eyes that were watering. “What happened?” he asked after realizing Rose was not going to further explain. “She’s gone through so much, first the cancer, and then her mother’s death. My husband and I were planning on taking her in if this other family fell through. I didn’t realize how much I regretted giving her up, until I saw her walk out the door holding someone else’s hand.” “You were?” Heather asked, turning around. “Why didn’t you?” “I honestly thought you’d flake like all the others.” “How do you know Ella?” He asked, looking from Heather to Rose. “Are you a nurse as well?” “I’m her foster mother.” Heather said through gritted teeth. He seemed to perk up at this. “You are? How is she? Did she get my gift? I couldn’t get in, so I had to leave it out front.” “Yes,” Heather said, venom dripping from her words. “The police have it now.” “Why would the police have it?” He cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Why did you give her that? That’s an awfully expensive gift to be giving a former team member.” “Well, the thing is, she’s not just a team member to me, I just really wanted to make it up to her. I know It can’t make up for the past, but...” “Damn straight it can’t make up for the past, you sick pervert!” Heather said, no longer able to control her outrage. “You think you can just buy her a toy and she’ll just forgive you for molesting her? She’s traumatized because of you!” “Wait, what?” He looked horrified. “What are you talking about? I would never! Why would you even think that? Did she say she was molested by someone? Hasn’t she gone through enough already? Please, tell me she wasn’t assaulted like that!” “Both of you, calm down!” Rose said. “There’s obviously been some kind of miscommunication.” “Why would you say that?” Stan asked Heather. “You were the one who was going on about how you were ashamed of your actions!” “Yeah, but I was referring to something else! I would never touch her! I would never do something like that… to any of the kids! Especially not my own daughter!” They stared at him in shock. Did he just say…? “You’re Ella’s father?” Rose asked. “Where have you been? Does she know?” “No, I only figured it out not that long ago. I had a one night stand with a stranger in another state about 12 years ago, never saw her again, but then who should show up one day? Mystery woman dropping her daughter off for practice, and damn did she look a lot like my other daughter, Gracie. Did the math and yeah…” “If you didn’t assault her, then why does Ella remember you kissing her?” “What? I never kissed her!” He said scrunching up his face. “She says she remembers you on top of her, kissing her and touching her chest.” Rose explained. His face fell and his eyes filled with a deep sadness. “I guess to a kid it would seem that way.” Rose stared at him for a moment before her eyes opened wide. “It was you! I had assumed it was the paramedics.” “Maybe it was them, they would have done a better job anyway. I’ve only practiced on dolls before. I was too scared of hurting her more than she already was.” “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?” Heather asked. “What Ella remembers isn’t what we thought it was.” Rose said. “He wasn’t kissing her, he was giving her mouth to mouth.” “And you believe him?” Heather asked, still sounding skeptical. “There was bruising on her sternum and ribs consistent with CPR injuries. I had assumed it was the work of first responders, but if it had been them, bones would have been broken. There’s a saying in the medical field, ‘If you’re not breaking bones-” “‘You’re not doing it right.’” He finished. “Was she in the bathtub?” “Yes.” “I thought so, she must have fallen asleep and gone under and-” Rose began, but the coach cut her off. He looked up, his eyes now shining with fresh tears that spilled down his face. “No, that’s not what happened! It’s worse than that! It’s so much worse! It’s all my fault!” He was bawling now, head down in his arms. “I had to stop her! She was going to...and then she… there was so much blood and I panicked!” They listened quietly, horror struck by what they were hearing as he told them what happened that night. He was right. It was so much worse than they had dared to imagine. Now Heather and Rose stood alone in the dark empty parking lot leaning against their cars. “What do I do? What do I tell her?” Heather asked. She hadn’t smoked in fifteen years, but now she was craving a cigarette. Rose shook her head. “We can’t tell her.” she said, barely over a whisper. “The truth will destroy her.” “We’ll say she fell asleep in the bath. Her couch found her while he was visiting her mom, pulled her out and gave her CPR. That’s why she remembers him kissing her.” “And her mom’s death?” “When CPR failed, she thought Ella was dead. She was so distraught she took her own life.” “Do you think she’ll believe it?” “She’ll have to. There’s no way we can tell her the truth.”

I really need to learn to keep things to myself, Ella thought, sitting on the couch in the tiny windowless room of the family therapists office. She was smushed in the middle of Heather and Danielle on an uncomfortable brown sofa only meant for two people. Susan, the family counselor they had begun seeing, was flipping through the back of Ella’s sketchbook with an unreadable expression on her face. When she finally put it down, she addressed Ella first. “So, Ella. why did you refer to this man as The Monster?” Ella shrugged. She was done sharing. Everytime she opened her mouth, literally or figuratively, she found herself in trouble. “Do you remember this man from somewhere?” she tried again. In truth she had remembered him. He was her old soccer coach that didn’t get along with her mom. What she couldn’t understand was why his face had appeared in her recurring dream. No one else had ever been there before. Just her and her mom holding each other while her mom whispered those words. “Let mommy make it all better.” She wondered for the hundredth time why words that should have been soothing made her feel the pressure of the black vines reaching around her throat and chest. Usually that’s when she’d wake, gasping and crawling at her neck for air. Instead of her nightmare ending there, her vision had gone black and she had reappeared in the bathtub. Then the monster, with long black tentacles for hands, had appeared in the doorway wearing her old soccer coaches face, and he was weeping. She wondered if she was putting too much thought into it. It was only a dream after all. At least that’s what she tried to tell herself. As much as she wanted to believe it was just a dream, she could remember bits and pieces of that night. She had been getting sick. Violently. It had been one of her worst nights. Thanks to the recurring dreams, she could vividly remember the pain she was in. Her mouth hurt, her throat hurt, her stomach, her bones, her muscles. Everything hurt. She remembered pleading with the empty air to “please, make it stop!” followed by her mother's warm embrace and the whispered words. And then nothing. Try as she might, that was the only thing she could remember before waking to find herself in the hospital an orphan. So then why did she now have the feeling her soccer coach had been there? Him of all people? It made no sense! She had so many more questions now that her brain had decided she was ready for a little more of the truth. Why was he there so late at night? Why was he there, period? Why was he crying? “Let’s come back to that later.” Susan had said after realizing getting a response was futile. “Heather, how are you and Danielle getting along?” Coming to family therapy had been quite different than her other appointments. She kind of liked it, since it wasn’t all about her. Sometimes she just got to sit, listen and learn things about her new family she hadn’t known. Some of the things Ella learned were eye opening. Like the number of miscarriages Heather had had before giving up and looking toward adoption. It took nineteen miscarriages before they had discovered abnormalities with Heather's uterus, along with precancerous cysts in her ovaries, which led to an early hysterectomy in her 40’s. There lied a large portion of Danielle and Heather's conflict. When Charlie had first mentioned the change, Ella had thought he had been referring to her. Ella now understood she was not the driving wedge between them. Menopause was. It was nice to know Heather’s wild mood swings had not been brought on by the stress of Ella’s arrival. Besides Heather’s failed attempts at having another child, Ella heard the truth to a question that had been nagging at her from day one. Why Ella? The answer had been so simple she wanted to slap herself. It was Ella, or it was nothing. The wait to adopt an infant was years. Ella didn’t know if Heather just had the world's worst luck, or the stars were just aligning themselves in a way to keep Heather from having a baby at any and all cost, but every match had seemed to fall through at the last minute. Whether it was the agency deciding another family was a better fit after months of planning, or a mother deciding, after holding her newborn baby, to not give it up for adoption afterall. It was one disappointment after another. Heather’s plan had then been to foster a baby instead, that was until she learned it was not a permanent placement. The thought of getting attached, and then having to say good-bye quickly put a stop to that idea. She had almost given up on the idea of raising any more kids when she had come across a picture online of an adorable, albeit sickly, looking five or six year old girl sitting alone in the hospital. A phone call later revealed that Ella hadn’t been a kindergartener at all, but nearly a ten year old! Heather wasn’t looking to take in an older child, she already had one teenager and that was enough. She was about to turn her down, but the woman on the phone kept insisting she come down and meet her. “She is just the sweetest thing! She’s just so quiet and shy!” The first trip, Heather had driven down by herself. She was shocked by what she saw. She was so tiny! Were they sure she was really ten? If she hadn’t been led in by Rose, she would have assumed she had walked into the wrong room. “She’s had a hard life.” Rose had told her after their visit. “Her mother died in the middle of her treatments and she’s been alone ever since. Now that she’s in remission, we’ve done all we can for her. What she really needs now is a family.” That had been the first time Ella had learned the truth. Ella hadn’t been chosen over all the other kids. She was the only kid. A part of her felt like she should feel hurt, but deep down she had known it to be the truth all along. She really had been the last doll, broken and alone, sitting on an otherwise empty toy shelf. Another thing Ella had learned was the true motivation behind the sudden push of getting rid of her bucket. It wasn’t that Heather thought Ella was ready, it was that Danielle was still pissed and Susan had seemed to have taken her side. According to Susan, Danielle had every right to be upset. Not only had she lost her room, but she had been expected to put up with the sight and smell of someone using her space as a restroom. The bucket had to be moved. Instead of moving it, Heather had taken it upon herself to wean Ella off of it. This had been met with a scolding both Ella and Danielle had secretly relished. The only people Ella fully opened up with were Jasmine and Kaylee. If Ella had known everything she shared was being put in her file and sent to Heather, Ella may not have trusted her so much. As for Kaylee, It had taken time, but she had opened up about why she was so upset. It had apparently not been the first time parents had tried to separate her from their children. Adults seemed to see her as an infectious disease there to ruin their babies innocence. Kaylee had pointed out that the kids in question, whose parents worried for their innocence, had never been all that innocent to begin with. They had just seen her as a scapegoat. The girls had quickly made up, and soon the two were connected at the hip. Kaylee had always lent her an ear, or in Ella’s case eyes, when Ella needed to vent her frustrations, whether it be schoolwork, homelife, or Brian’s ever growing taunts at her. If there was one drawback to befriending Kaylee, it was it that it had put her on Brian’s radar. “Worth it.” Ella had said one afternoon when Kaylee had apologized for the upteenth time for drawing a target on her back. If there was one thing Kaylee seemed to do more than tic, it was to apologize. It hadn’t taken long at all for Ella to notice Kaylee wasn’t nearly as confident as she had pretended to be on day one. By day three, she was certain that her story about making money by purposefully shouting obscenities at Mrs. Garcia had been nothing but a lie. Kaylee shrank at the woman's mere presence, and the times she did shout, her words were accompanied by such complex movements, Ella had a hard time believing those had been purposeful. After prodding her day after day, Kaylee finally cracked and the truth had come out. She had never faked her tics, not even once. The rumor had been spread by none other than Brian. “From what I heard, he had been caught reaching into my desk.” Kaylee explained. “I always had my lunch money in it. He got caught trying to steal, but he said he wasn’t taking money, he was giving it to me as payment for calling Mrs. Garcia a-well, I don’t remember the actual thing, but they started getting suspicious as to why I always had money.” Don’t you always buy stuff from the vending machines here though? Ella had asked. “Yeah, but apparently they never noticed before. I have this thing called echo-lala, or echo-something, it makes me repeat what I hear. Brian told the other kids that if they repeated stuff a bunch of times, I’d say it too. They started making a game out of it. They’d follow me around repeating crude things over and over until I ticced it. It got to the point when I’d get stressed, out they would come, and well, Mrs. Garcia stresses me out.” Kaylee said with a shrug of her shoulders. “She’d walk by, and my brain would decide, ‘now would be the perfect time to hit the playback button’.” Didn’t you tell anyone? “I didn’t understand that I couldn’t control it at the time. It was still kind of new to me then. I didn’t used to be like this a few years ago.” Me neither. What happened? “I don’t really know. I don’t remember being like this back in Texas.” Kaylee explained as they sat on a pair of open swings and gently rocked back and forth. “We moved here, I went to a new school, and then a couple weeks in… I don’t know. It felt like something was inside me trying to get out. I had to move. I had to yell. If I didn’t it would just keep getting worse until I thought I was gonna blow up or something. It started with movements, then noises, and then I was yelling whole words and phrases out of the blue! I started yelling words I had never said in my life! I must have spent a whole month grounded and in detention before we finally figured it out.” Were you scared? “A little bit. I think I was more angry since no one believed me.” How did you end up here? “I got kicked out of my old school. I kind of… kicked a guy in the nuts for picking on me. Worth every bit of trouble I got into for that.” They both giggled at that. “What about you? Who was that guy you drew in your book and why were they freaking out about it?” It’s just a dream. “Must be one scary dream to make you scream like that.” Ella cocked her head to the side in confusion. “On your first day, you fell asleep and started screaming, ‘MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!’ We were surprised because they said you didn’t talk.” I do sometimes, it’s just hard. Heather makes me talk at home. It’s just faster if I write it. “Who is Heather?” My foster mom. She’s kind of like a mom, but… “Wouldn’t calling her mom be easier than Heather? Like at home since she makes you talk. If you needed to get her attention.” Ella shook her head. She’s not my mom. Despite having lived with them for a few months, the thought of calling them “mom” and “dad” had never crossed her mind. Everything still felt so temporary. She felt like she was intruding on their family, and she was the outsider. Except for Danielle that was. They had pretty quickly fallen into the roles of sisters by going out of their way to annoy each other whenever humanly possible. When Danielle made the room smell like nail polish remover and left her toenail clippings on Ella’s side of the room, Ella retaliated by losing a few colored pencil shavings in Danielle’s bed sheets. Maybe that’s why Ella liked her so much. It didn’t feel like Danielle walked on eggshells around her. They sat in silence for a moment before Kaylee asked the question that seemed to be on everyone’s mind since she came here. “Why are you scared of the bathroom?” She thought of giving her typical answer, a shrug of the shoulders and nothing more, but she liked Kaylee. She pondered how best to explain. It hurts my chest. I can’t breathe and everything kind of starts to go black. Besides, these are way comfier. Ella jumped up and landed back down on her butt for emphasis. Kaylee giggled. She hadn’t been thrilled about being reintroduced to diapers again, but they had quickly grown on her. They almost never leaked like the pull-ups always had, and they didn’t immediately become super uncomfortable to remind her of her indiscretion. The doctor said I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. “What’s that?” Kaylee asked, plopping down next to her in the sand. Something bad happened, but I don’t remember what. The bathroom triggers some kind of episode. All I know is I woke up in the hospital unable to talk and found out my mom died. I’m not really sure what that has to do with the bathroom though. I lived there for a couple years before Heather brought me here. “That’s...that’s insane! I’m sorry! I hate the hospital! It must have been horrible to live there.” Ella shrugged. Some of the things were. The sickness. The loneliness. All the nights she woke up alone crying for her mother, only to remember she was gone. A lump formed in her throat. She didn’t like thinking about that time. She referred to them as “the first three”. They were the first three months after her mother died. When she woke up sick from the chemo, there were no hands to comfort her. No words of encouragement or hope, only the incessant beeping of machines. Then Ella remembered something else; something darker than just loneliness. Her own mortality. At one point she had been told the chemo wasn’t working. She was supposed to have died. She couldn’t remember the conversation, but she remembered the room she was in, with the medical textbooks in the bookshelf and the framed diplomas on the wall. Her mother was wailing and yet, Ella couldn’t stop staring at those diplomas, with the fancy cursive writing. What an odd thing to be so transfixed with when you were being told you had six months left to live. Why had somebody gotten an award from something called Dartmouth? What in the hell kind of a sport was that? Ella laid down in the sand and stared up at the clouds. She had come such a long way from then. She had beaten the odds. She had beaten cancer. A single tear escaped the corner of her left eye, racing down past her ear and into the sand. She hadn’t been alone. Not really. A different memory played in her mind's eye. The one and only time Rose had been really mad at her. Rose had been trying to get her to eat, but Ella kept refusing. Her body kept rejecting everything it received. “You need to eat something, Ella!” Rose had been trying to spoon feed her applesauce after seeing the untouched meal for the third time that day. Ella just sat there, motionless, staring at the wall lost in her grief. Rose let out a defeated sigh and dropped the spoon. “You need your strength to get better. Don’t you want to get better?” Just let me die. That’s when Ella suddenly found herself inches from Rose’s face, her note crumpled is Rose’s clenched fist. There was a look in her eye’s Ella had never seen before that scared her more than an incoming phlebotomist pushing their cart into her room. “Now you listen to me, little girl! You are not going to die! No, look at me!” She grabbed Ella’s face in her hand as she tried to look away and forced Ella to meet her eyes. “You are going to wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and you are going to keep fighting. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to be fun, but you are going to get better!” The next thing Ella knew, she was being scooped up in a single sweep of Rose’s arm and set back down on Rose’s lap as she sat on her bed. Ella let her face fall on the woman’s shoulder, no longer able to contain the emotional storm that had been brewing inside her for days. She bawled into the woman’s scrubs as Rose gently rocked her back and forth, occasionally stopping to rub the top of Ella’s bald head. With every fallen tear, drip of snot and anguished wail, she could feel the terror, rage, and numbness slowly ebbing away. Ever so faintly she could feel a new emotion she hadn’t felt in months. Peace. “We’re going to get through this, Ella, you’re not alone.” Rose whispered, before kissing the top of her head and laying the now half asleep girl in bed. Ella’s heart ached at the memory. She knew Rose was just doing her job, but there was a certain...closeness she had felt with Rose that wasn’t there with Heather. No matter how many times Ella got in Heather’s lap, or wrapped her arms around her, she always felt so far away, no matter how physically close they were. There was something else about that evening, hadn’t there been? Hadn’t Rose turned away a late night visitor? She had been mostly asleep at that point, but she had the vaguest sliver of a memory of a man standing in her doorway holding a vase of flowers. The vase had been there sitting on a table next to her when she woke up with a handwritten note. It’s going to get better now. She had originally thought they had been from Rose, but now she wasn’t so sure. What did it matter? It had been over a year ago. Who cared who they were from? But still... Something nagged at the back of her mind. Something about those words seemed so familiar. It came to her all at once. She knew where she had heard those words! She let out an audible gasp and shot up to a sitting position. Her dream! His lips had been on hers. She had been lying on her back looking up at him. He was crying when her eyes made contact with his. “It’s going to get better now, Ella! It’s all gonna get better!” Why was he there? Why had he been kissing her? She knew she needed to tell someone this time… if only she could remember his name! He had been there that night! She was sure of it! All she had to do was ask him what happened and it would all make sense! She needed to find him! She ignored all of Kaylee’s questions as she continued to rub her lips. She jotted down what she knew on a piece of paper and tore it out. She would give it to Jasmine later. Maybe she could help her find him. “Ella, could you come here?” Mrs. Hernandez called from upstairs. Ella frowned. Was recess already over? She looked to Kaylee who shrugged and yelled something provocative about donut holes. Ella brushed herself off before climbing the steps, mentally running through any and everything she could possibly be in trouble for. When she stepped inside, she was surprised to find a bouquet of flowers waiting for her on her desk along with a small Amazon box. Upon closer inspection, all the personal information had been crossed out with a black marker. She examined the flowers, multicolored roses surrounded by white Baby’s Breath. She picked up the card and read: Happy Birthday, my little artist. Her heartbeat with excitement. Her birthday wasn’t until tomorrow, but she was already getting gifts? She hadn’t had a real birthday in over two years! She eagerly opened the box and her mouth dropped as she pulled it out. It was a tablet specifically designed to plug into a computer to draw with. She couldn’t believe the school had gotten her this! It looked really expensive too! “Th-thank you!” she managed to get out. Her wide smile faltered a little when they looked at her puzzled. “A man dropped that off for you in front of the building a few minutes ago. He just rang the doorbell and left it.” said Mrs. Hernandez. “Next time, tell your foster dad he’s welcome to come in and leave it at the front desk so it doesn’t get stolen.” Ella felt her stomach tighten as she shook her head. Charlie wasn’t even in the state today. He wouldn’t be back for three more days.” They frowned when Ella explained in a note. “Then who?…” Mrs. Hernandez said. “Wait here, I’m going to go talk to the front desk.” Ella’s concerns quickly vanished as she opened up the tablet and began setting it up. She had almost forgotten about Mrs. Hernandez until she, followed by the lady that worked the front office, were in front of her desk. “Ella, can you watch this video and tell me if you recognize this man?” She looked up to find a cell phone in front of her, and video from a Ring doorbell security camera loading on the screen. She pressed play and watched as a familiar face bent down, dropped the items, and walked away without looking back. She had only seen his face for a split second, but that was all it had taken, before a name she had struggled to remember flashed through her mind. Coach Stanley Virtamin. She no longer needed to find him. He had found her. ……………………………………………………………………………………………… Heather hung up the phone and sat on the couch too stunned to even process what had just happened. It had been Ella’s school and Ella had just passed them a note confirming all of their worst fears. Her blood was boiling as she was beginning to let the words sink in. The school had informed her they had already called the police before reading her the contents of the note. One line kept replaying over and over in her head. I was lying on my back and he was kissing me. Every word was like a knife wound in her chest. She was lying on her back and he was kissing her. The 38 year old man was kissing an eight year old girl with leukemia on the mouth… What if Ella’s mom hadn’t committed suicide after all? Heather was seeing red as a new theory was beginning to take shape. She had caught him molesting her daughter… I was lying on my back She stood up and screamed into the empty living room. He was kissing me All she could see was Danielle. If Danielle had gone through everything Ella had, wouldn’t she be just as screwed up? “Ella… no wonder… the bathroom...had it happened there? Had it kept happening there?” She threw her phone into the couch. He had followed her here! He better pray the police catch him, because if she saw him. She’d kill him. She picked up the phone again, took a deep breath and made one more phone call. “Hi, Rose. It’s Heather. She remembers.”

In this particular scene, it's not that Heather is micro-parenting, she is reacting to a stereotype about tourette's itself. All she knows about the disorder, like most parents, is that it makes you swear and yell sexually inappropriate things, which is called coprolalia. It only affects less than 10% of people with tourette's. She doesn't understand that there is so much more to it. Heather is under the impression that Ella is seated next to someone who is the human equivalent of an X-rated movie stuck on repeat and its just non stop swearing and sexual things, rather than just once in a while. I am also basing this off my real life experiences. I have heard many parents tell their kids to stay away from me because "she's crazy" or "not all there" They don't even try to whisper it. As for parents calling the school to complain about their kids sitting next to someone with TS.. I really wish it was uncommon. I really do, but it's not. I've seen posts on the TS message boards of parents fuming because the teacher told them parents were calling to complain about their kid and want them seperated.

Pretty much. She's stubborn, proud and hormonal. Her idea of the perfect family is a husband, wife, two kids and a pet. I'm trying to avoid "the perfect parent" trope while literally writing an "adopt the abused child" trope story. *shrugs* Lily the Liar took on daycare, and that ended up being one of the best stories i've read on here.

This! This so much! This is how i've been trying to paint Heather, but I've gotten so many messages saying she's an unrealistic character. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and the average person doesn't realize the challenge associated with raising someone with special needs. In Heather's mind, all Ella needs is a firm hand and a push to be "normal" She's somehow under the impression that her love will "cure" whatever trauma she has gone through. She's confused and frustrated that meeting all of Ella's basic needs isn't magically fixing everything.

There was the clanging of dropped utensils followed by silence. Ella knew from the look on Heather’s face she was in trouble. Her lips were pulled tight and her eyes narrowed. She looked like she was about to say something, but before she could, Danielle and Charlie had broken the silence with uncontrolled gales of laughter. Her eyes shifted from Ella onto the pair of them and then back to Ella. “That kind of language isn’t allowed in this house.” she said. Ella sunk in her seat. “I’m giving you a warning this once, but if I- Will you two stop laughing!” She snapped at them. “You’re sending the wrong message.” “I. Can’t. Breathe.” Danielle managed to choke out through fits of laughter. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” “Sorry, honey, it was just so unexpected.” Charlie said, wiping his mouth with his napkin as he tried to pull himself together. Ella could tell he was still trying to fight back a grin as he looked up at Ella. “You shouldn’t say things like that.” He sounded very unconvincing with his bright red face and teary eyes. “And-and you said you were glad she wasn’t in public school so she wouldn’t pick up bad habits!” Danielle roared making Charlie lose his composure all over again. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Fu-” “You are not too old to go over my knee young lady!” Heather said through pursed lips. “Please get yourself under control.” “Sorry,” she said, raising a glass of water to her lips and taking a drink. “I hope I’m not too old to go over your knee.” said Charlie. Danielle choked on her water, spilling it down the front of her shirt. “OUT! Both of you!” She shook her head at them as they left, laughing all the way to the living room. Once it had gone quiet again, Heather turned her eyes back on Ella. “Did you hear that at school?” Ella nodded. “Words, Ella.” “Yes.” She croaked out. “Who? Another student or a teacher?” “Kay-” she trailed off, unable to get the last syllable out. Heather looked displeased. “She shouldn’t be using that kind of language.” Ella pulled her phone out of her pocket and began to text Heather the rest. “No, Ella, use your words.” “Can’t say. Too big.” She can’t control it. She has Tur its. “What do you mean? What’s Tur its?” Ella wiggled around and mimicked some of Kaylee’s movements with her neck and arms. Heather looked at her as if she had just spoken Latin. She did it again, but no recognition came to Heather. Danielle came back in, now composed and headed for the table. “Just wanted my water.” “Do you know what she’s trying to say?” asked Heather. Danielle watched her wiggle around before shrugging. “Maybe she’s trying to make it rain.” Heather rolled her eyes and showed her the text message. “Tur its… Tur its… Oh! I think she means Tourette’s!” Ella pointed to Danielle. “Ten points for Slytherin!” “I… don’t think I know what that means.” admitted Heather. “Yeah you do, It was on that show we watched on TV with the kids who were yelling swear words and moving their heads? You remember Leslie from soccer last year? Her little sister has it.” “Vaguely. Is that the really tall one?” “Yeah.” Heather pursed her lips together. “I don’t know if I want you hanging around her, Ella. She sounds like she might be a bad influence.” “No!” said Ella, sounding firm. “You better not hear Leslie talk like that. She’d be so mad ” “Well Leslie’s not here, this isn’t her sister, and I don’t need Ella picking up any more bad habits.” “We sit to-to-geth-er.” Ella managed to say while crossing her middle and index fingers. “Par- part-ners.” “I think I like that even less.” “Mom, seriously?” said Danielle. “Let her have her friend. It’s only been a day.” Heather scowled. “That’s my point! It’s only been a day and she’s already parroting what she hears her say.” “It’s not like she said it as a swear word. She didn’t yell it while stubbing her toe. You asked her what she learned and she told you.” “Danielle,” Heather said with a sigh, “Take Ella and go pick out a movie. I’ll join you in a minute.” “Friend!” Ella repeated. “Friend!” “Go!” Heather insisted. “I’m just going to clear the table.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Once the girls had left, Heather went to her purse and pulled out her cell phone feeling peeved the school had failed to mention what Ella would be exposed to in their care. She was young and impressionable! She scrolled through her contacts until she found Mrs. Hernandez and hit Send. “Hello, yes, I’m sorry for disturbing you at home, but I was hoping we could talk. This is Heather Graceland, Isabella Marsh’s foster mom-” “Oh, hi, how are you? I’m assuming you’re calling about the note I sent her home with today.” “I’m calling about- wait, what note?” “Oh, I sent it pinned to the bag with her soiled clothes.” Great, thought Heather as she pinched her eyes shut and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. She didn’t tell me she brought home dirty clothes and now her backpack probably smells like pee. “She had a bit of an episode this morning and I’m a little concerned.” “What kind of episode? What happened?” “Well it started when she had an accident in front of a few kids. She was understandably pretty upset, especially when a few of them laughed and made some inappropriate comments-” “Was it Kaylee who laughed at her?” said Heather, cutting her off. “She’s actually the reason I called.” “Kaylee Shepherd? What? No, quite the opposite from what their paraeducator told me. Jasmine said Kaylee sat with Ella while we had her lying in the changing room to rest. I heard she really calmed Ella down. The trouble had come after. Ella had fallen asleep, so we let her nap in there for a bit, and she seemed to have some kind of fit in her sleep.” “Yeah, we’ve been trying to get to the bottom of that for a while now. My oldest shares a room with her, and says it’s been an ongoing concern in the months since we’ve had her.” “Okay, so you are aware? Good, okay I just wanted to check and make sure she wasn’t having some kind of seizure.” “No, nothing like that, we’ve had her checked. The doctor says it’s all psychological. It’s stemming from stress. We’re not entirely positive as to what, but we believe she sustained some kind of trauma in her past.” “Oh, I see, and does that have anything to do with the toilet anxiety?” “It’s not the toilet, but the bathroom as a whole, and yes, it does all seem to come together.” “Is Ella being seen regularly by mental health specialists? If not, we do have resources to get her in touch with certain services.” “Yes, I can barely keep track of them all! She has psychologists, psychiatrists, case workers, therapists. No one can really seem to get to the bottom of it. I keep pushing her forward so she has a better chance of catching up with other kids her age, but she still seems off from what a nearly 11 year old should be. I mean, I honestly can’t believe they’ve let these problems go on for so long! I never would have allowed Danielle to run around in pull ups at her age just because she was scared. At some point she’s just going to have to grow out of this. The doctors kept saying give it time, and i’ve given her plenty! I think it’s time I give her that final push. No more pull-ups, no more buckets. Sooner or later she’s going to figure out nothing’s going to hurt her. I think she’s ready.” “I do have a suggestion, if I may?” Heather narrowed her eyes, clutching the phone a little bit tighter. The silence hung thick in the air before Mrs. Hernandez spoke back up without a reply. “If what I witnessed today is a result of exposing her to the bathroom; she’s not ready. That reaction wasn’t the result of a typical child being scared or anxious. From what i’ve witnessed first hand, and from what you’ve shared with me from the few times we’ve spoken, this is trauma. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. Making her face her fears when she is not ready may only serve to cause her more harm in the long run. While a typical person or child may get over their fears after being exposed to something that frightens them, a person with trauma may not. Something in Ella’s subconscious is telling her that whenever she goes in the bathroom her very life is in danger. ” “What am I supposed to do? Keep her in diapers?” said Heather, sounding indignant at the very thought. “Would that really be so bad?” “Absolutely not! I will not have my nearly eleven year old with a perfectly functioning bladder and bowels, running around in diapers!” “It’s only a thought. Limiting her exposure to triggering situations could lead to less flashbacks and improve her quality of life. Symptoms aren't appearing only in the restroom. Jasmine said even after only spending a single afternoon with her she could tell Ella is very anxious. She jumps at loud and sudden noises, and is hyper vigilant of her surroundings. She spends more time checking her surroundings than doing schoolwork, and any admonishment has her quick to tears. It’s common in children who have a history of abuse or neglect.” “We don’t know if she’s been abused.” said Heather although she knew very well all signs seemed to point that way. Raising Ella seemed to come with one challenge after another. One week Ella would be scared of Heather’s mere shadow, the next Heather never got a moment to herself with Ella clinging to her like a baby possum. On her clingy days, Ella would camp out on the couch, in the office, with her sketchbook and drawing supplies, while Heather worked on the laptop. Once Heather got off, Ella would follow her to the living room where they’d put on a movie and cuddle on the couch together. A week or two later, when Ella’s attention meter seemed to have been filled, she’d be off, either doing her own thing, or go with Danielle to soccer practice and play in the jungle gym. Then the cycle would repeat itself and Ella would be attached at Heather’s hip as if she had never been shown an ounce of love in her life. The therapist had also said that was a sign of trauma. She was cycling through stages of isolation, mistrusting anyone who got too close, then went looking for a “rescuer.” Heather had been confused at first. Ella had already been “rescued”, but the therapist explained what Ella was searching for was a relationship that made her feel safe. Heather tried her best, but the only one who seemed welcome during all her stages was Ribbit. “She hates being wet.” Heather went on. “ She’s expressed to me before that she wants to use the toilet and be like normal kids her own age.” “Well, one reason for that is she wears pull-ups, which are made to make kids feel uncomfortable so they take an interest in potty training. Another reason could be she is expressing interest because she knows that’s what you want.” “We’ve worked so hard to get her to where she is though! I can’t just throw that away.” “I’m not asking you too. I’m asking you to sit her down and ask her what she wants. You mentioned something about a bucket?” “A camping toilet, yeah.” “Maybe she’s perfectly fine with that arrangement. Maybe you just need to take one step back, not a full leap. We can always put a camping toilet in the changing room for her if need be. Just talk to her.” “I’ll think about it.” Heather said. She had almost hung up before even discussing what she had called about in the first place. “What I wanted to talk to you about was Kaylee.” “Oh? What about Kaylee?” “Ella came home and dropped the F-bomb. She certainly didn’t learn it from us. I really don’t want Ella exposed to that sort of language. I hear she has some kind of thing.” “I’m sorry, I can’t discuss private information involving the other students. We can certainly impress on Ella that whatever she may hear should not be repeated.” “I really don’t want her around it at all. She seems like she might be a bad influence. I called to see about separating them.” There was a long pause, and Heather wondered if her phone dropped the call. “Is that what Ella wants? They seemed to be getting along well today.” “No, and she’s not very happy with me, but I feel it-” “Mrs. Graceland,” Mrs. Hernandez said, interrupting her. “While I can not go into the specifics of Kaylee’s condition, our school promises to be a safe space where kids with all disabilities can come to learn in a place where they feel accepted, understood and are taught with patience and respect. We also make it a point to teach students to accept the differences of others. We do not discriminate against our students. If Ella were to say she feels Kaylee is too much of a distraction to her learning, then I would consider moving their desks, but we will not forcefully keep them apart against their will due to a student having a certain kind of disability. We are happy to teach Ella, as we do all students, not to repeat what is overheard in her company, but as this is out of Kaylee’s control, I do not feel punishing her by taking away her friend is an appropriate course of action, do you?” ………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Heather stood in the hallway feeling dumbfounded. That was not how she thought the conversation would play out. Instead of the school apologizing and having Ella moved safely away before she picked up on any new lingo, Heather had been the one to swallow her pride and apologize. Mrs. Hernandez had come to the defense of her student, and she had come swinging. Now she wondered if maybe she had jumped to conclusions about Kaylee after being told a second time how she had been there for Ella. The phone call had also given her a lot to think about. Maybe she had been pushing Ella too hard too fast. What was the point of making Ella sit on the toilet if she was too scared for anything to even come out. Was she really just setting her up for failure? Heather’s head throbbed just thinking about it. No matter what she did she seemed to make the wrong move. She felt like an armature chess player going up against a computer who would always win. She had gone to all the professionals, she followed the doctors orders to a ‘T’ and yet, here she was back at square one. Did she let Ella slide backwards or did she make her keep moving forward? She cleared the table while lost in thought. Mrs. Hernandez’s words seemed to sting. “Is that really what Ella wants, or is Ella only saying it because she knows that’s what you want?” She had a sinking suspicion that was the case. Heather spotted Ella’s backpack in the corner. She picked it up and opened it, relieved to find her soiled clothes sealed tightly in a bag trapping the odor with it. She spotted the note and pried it off. Ella is showing an unprecedented level of anxiety when faced with using the restroom to the point she is physically unable to urinate. As a result, Ella had an accident on herself and the floor. While we welcome students in need of varying levels of personal care, we strive to limit students exposure to harmful bodily fluids. Due to Ella’s current mental state, we do not feel it is in her best interest to pursue her on file instructions of care without a doctor's written consent. Until such time where more suitable arrangements can be made, please send Ella in more appropriate attire. Enclosed are a few garments to hold you over until more can be obtained. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me. - Mary Hernandez ………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Ella sat at her desk feeling confused. Heather had gone through the previous night acting as if nothing had happened. She had expected to be punished. Instead they watched movies until 9:30 pm where Heather sent her off to bed with a kiss to the forehead. This morning had been even more strange. Heather had come to wake her up later than usual. Instead of being dragged off to the bathroom half conscious against her will, she had been told to use her bucket. Ella had wasted no time in this, eagerly bunching up her nightshirt as she sat on the seat behind her bed. “Ella,” Danielle groaned from underneath her blankets. “Keep it down, you’re making me have to pee. Some of us have to get up and walk to the other end of the house.” Like any good sister, Ella’s response had been to position herself in a way that made her stream as loud as possible. Once she had finished, Heather had told her to lie back down on the bed. Without an explanation, Heather had then put her in a diaper before sending her off to school. Now she sat at her desk wondering what the hell just happened as she religiously swiped her hand behind her back to check if it was poking out. Kaylee snickered and put her book away. “You’re just making it obvious.” Ella pulled her note book out of her backpack and began writing a response. I think it’s because I’m in trouble. Kaylee frowned as she read the note. “No one puts a kid in a diaper because they're in trouble. Mrs. Hernandez probably told your mom to after what happened yesterday. You were freaking out and I saw Jasmine putting some in your backpack.” Ella realized that made a lot more sense than what she thought it was for. So I’m not in trouble for… earlier? “Nah, happens all the time. There’s a rumor that you can’t graduate until you stain the carpet at least once. It’s like tradition or something. You just got it out of the way on your first day.” Ella considered this before asking, So have you? Kaylee seemed to lose her composure for a moment. “Don’t trust a fart on Taco Tuesday.” Ella scrunched up her face in disgust before laughing. “Fuck!” Kaylee blurted out. I got in trouble for saying that last night. “Why’d you say that of all things? You don’t even talk much.” Ella shrugged before writing, Heather kept making me talk. My throat was hurting and it was the easiest thing I could think of to say. Then she made me tell her where I heard it from and now she thinks you’re a bad influence. Ella thought this would make Kaylee laugh, but instead she seemed to deflate and Ella could tell Kaylee seemed hurt. “Guess you shouldn’t talk to me then.” said Kaylee before giving her the cold shoulder. Ella tried getting her attention, but Kaylee seemed to be looking everywhere but at her. What had she done? When all her written attempts had failed, she moved on to audible ones. When those had failed as well, Ella slumped down on her desk and rested her head in her arms. “Good morning, class!” Mrs. Hernandez called out making Ella jump. Kaylee let out a few barks before slapping herself in the face with one hand and swiping everything off her desk with the other. She let out an annoyed sigh as she watched pencils and paper scatter across the floor. She got up and began hurriedly collecting her things, but just when she grabbed the last elusive pencil, Kaylee would let out a yell and throw them. On the third attempt, while she was crawling under a desk, she had suddenly sprung up and hit her head with a loud thwack. That seemed to have been her breaking point. She collapsed to the floor, clutching her head as she rocked back and forth. Ella had tried to help her, but Kaylee had moaned at her to stop and turned away from her. Ella stood helplessly by as Jasmine helped Kaylee to her feet and led her onto the table in the changing room to lie down before leaving to get some ice. Still quietly wondering what she had done wrong, Ella picked up the scattered pencils and paper before sitting back down and setting them in a pile on Kaylee’s side. She could hear her writhing on the table and yelling an assortment of words and curses. She seemed to quiet down when Jasmine returned with ice. Ella had wanted to see if she was ok, but Jasmine had shut the door behind her. Mrs. Hernandez had gone on with the morning announcements, picking up where she left off as if nothing had happened. When she had finished and excused the class to begin working on their assignments, Ella was forced to open her English packet on her own and start as Jasmine was still preoccupied. When Jasmine had finally emerged, Kaylee hadn’t followed. “I see you started already, good job.” Jasmine said, taking a seat across from Ella. Is she okay? Ella mouthed. “She’s just having a rough morning. She wants to lie down until her head feels better. She’ll be okay.” I made her mad at me. Ella wrote in her notebook. I said Heather called her a bad influence and now she won’t talk to me. “So that’s what got her all wound up.” Jasmine said, more to herself. “Sometimes people say and do some not very nice things to Kaylee because of something they don’t understand. She gets punished for things that aren't her fault and it can be very frustrating for her. Nobody likes feeling unwanted.” Ella dug through her backpack until she pulled out her sketchbook and flipped to the picture she had been working on this morning. “Friend.” Ella said, showing Jasmine the picture. “Oh, Ella! Did you draw that?” Jasmine asked looking at the sketch of Kaylee in awe. Ella nodded and reached for her sketchbook, but Jasmine had picked it up and had begun flipping through the pages. “These are, wow! Where did you learn to draw like this?” Instead of responding Ella made another grab for the book. If Jasmine kept going she would find her other drawings. Ella could see the moment Jasmine had gone too far. The look of awe was gone and in its place grew a worried frown. She flipped through the back pages silently. Some were of herself, trapped by black vines holding her in place while words she associated with herself surrounded her. Worthless. Burden. Broken. Sick. Disgusting. Slow. Another page had the words from her repetitive nightmares written over and over again, “Let mommy make it all better.” The final page held her most recent drawing in the back section. A sketch she had stayed up late drawing last night after waking with a fragment of memory previously lost to her. It was a doorway, and in that doorway leaned a blacked out figure. All except the face. With long stringy black hair and a pointed nose, he leaned in with tear filled and blood shot eyes. A face she hadn’t recalled being in her nightmare until last night. Her old soccer coach. “Ella, who is this?” Jasmine asked, turning the page around. Ella mumbled something that Jasmine had barely caught. “The monster.”

For those who don't know, I have severe Tourette Syndrome. All tics in the story are things I have actually done. Ella sat motionless, too stunned to think of a reply, verbal or otherwise. She didn’t think she had ever been told to “fuck off” before. She wasn’t even entirely sure what “fuck” meant, but knew it wasn’t something you said when meeting someone for the first time. Ella turned and stared straight ahead at the empty desk that sat directly in the middle facing theirs. She could feel hot tears begin to prickle the backs of her eyelids as she fought to restrain them. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. “Eat shit, you little bitch!” Ella heard come from beside her, followed by a noise that resembled the revving of a motorcycle engine. Ella blinked and tried to clear her vision, but now tears were streaming down her cheeks. What had she done to this girl she had met only five seconds ago? “Oh great,” a male voice said from across the room. “She’s in this class too!” She could hear the sarcasm dripping from his words. Ella turned around to see who he was talking about, only to realize he was looking directly at her! He was a few years older than her, maybe thirteen or fourteen and much larger by comparison. Kaylee threw her head back and let out a loud exaggerated, “HA HA HA HA!” before sticking her tongue out. Ella let out a choked sob before burying her head in her arms on top of the desk. She didn’t understand! She wanted to go back home! This had been a mistake. “Hey, wake up, sleepy head.” a new voice said. Ella jumped when she felt a hand touch her back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare y- Oh honey, what’s wrong?” a woman asked when she saw her tear streaked face. Ella shook her head and wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Go home!” Kaylee shouted, making Ella dissolve into fresh tears. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?” the woman asked. Ella shook her head. “Did you have an accident?” Ella shook her head harder this time feeling mortified. “No? Did someone say something to you that upset you?” Ella sniffed and nodded her head. “Who? What happened?” After several seconds of gentle coaxing, Ella hesitantly pointed next to her. “Wieners are for hopscotch and tapioca pudding!” Kaylee yelled. The woman looked from Ella to Kaylee and back to Ella before a light of understanding flickered in her eyes. “Oh, honey, no. I’m sure whatever Kaylee said had nothing to do with you.” Ella looked at her doubtfully. How would she know? She hadn’t been there! “Right, Kaylee?” “Huh?” The other girl asked, glancing up from her book. “Why don’t you share a little about yourself?” Kaylee grimaced and shook her head back and forth a few times before raising her hand like she had a question. She let out an annoyed sigh as if she’d had to do this a hundred times in the past. Eventually she mumbled something unintelligible that sounded like, “I have turnips.” Ella looked at her puzzled before looking back to the woman for clarification. “Kaylee, do you mind if I explain? I think it will make her feel better.” Ella doubted it, but let her go on. “Your butt smells like spearmint gum!” Kaylee said before looking away embarrassed. “Fine.” “Do you know what Tourette Syndrome is?” Ella shook her head. “It’s a neurological condition where her brain tells her body to move and speak on its own. We call them her “tics’. Most of what she blurts out doesn’t make much sense since they’re just words at random, but sometimes the words are arranged in a way that sounds like she's calling people names when really she’s not.” “I think,” Kaylee said with a pause sounding a little guilty, “I might have said f- off, or something like it earlier.” “Kaylee!” the woman said, sounding exasperated. “Why didn’t you explain then? Is that what upset you?” She asked, turning back to Ella. Ella slowly nodded her head. “What? I didn’t mean it!” “I know you didn’t, but she didn’t know that.” “Sorry,” Kaylee mumbled before throwing her head back again and barking. “Sweetie, it’s okay. I think I understand what upset you.” She crouched down in front of Ella and handed her a tissue. “Can I give you a hug?” Ella nodded and accepted the embrace. The woman then sat down in the chair across from them and introduced herself. “My name is Jasmine, and I’m going to be working with you two. I’m here to help you with anything you might need, whether it’s with classwork or any special assistance with-” “CHANGE MY DIAPER!” Kaylee shouted, making Ella jump. She glanced over to find the girl with her hands over her mouth, eyes wide and face growing crimson. She could hear the boy from earlier snickering and even Jasmine had a sympathetic smile. “For some students, yes, if that’s the kind of help they needed.” Jasmine said. She met Ella’s eyes and gave her a wink. Now it was Ella’s turn to blush. Jasmine pulled a folder out of her bag and looked over it. “Same address, let’s see, anything new that needs addressing...” “Don’t mind her, she talks to herself a lot.” Kaylee whispered. Ella gave her a weak smile. “Sorry about earlier…” Kaylee mumbled. “I really wasn’t telling you to fuck off.” “Language!” Jasmine warned without looking up. “Oh, what’s the point?” Kaylee groaned. “The point is none of the other kids are allowed to swear. We understand if it’s a tic and you can’t help it, but that doesn’t mean you get to swear like a sailor whenever you want.” Jasmine said. “We talked about this last year, remember. We don’t want another repeat of you and Brian.” “Ugh, Brian.” Kaylee grumbled. “How’d we end up in the same class again?” “Because you’re both mid-level and we don’t have enough kids for a second mid level class. He’s on the complete opposite side of the room, he won’t bother you.” “He’s already complaining I'm here.” she grumbled. Ella felt a little better when she realized the guy hadn’t been looking at her, but at Kaylee. She wondered what had happened between them to make them each mad at the other's presence. “Looks the same as last year,” Jasmine said, putting down the file. “Any new issues we need addressing, Kaylee?” “No.” “Any behavioral issues we need to talk about?” Jasmine gave her a coy smile while Kaylee sunk a little lower in her seat. “No.” “So you won’t cause me any problems this year? No throwing things at the aids you don’t like? No more Tic-O-grams?” “They were tics!” Kaylee said defensively. “Most of them.” she grumbled quietly under her breath when Jasmine gave her a disbelieving stare. “So I will not be hearing you call Mrs. Garcia a ‘Fat Heartless Bitch’ and ‘Queen of Ogres’ or whatever unoriginal thing the other kids come up with everytime she walks past you? And I will DEFINITELY not find other students slipping you dollar bills in your desk in return for such phrases ‘accidentally’ slipping out of your mouth?” She asked, throwing up air quotes around “accidentally.” “No,” Kaylee grumbled, before throwing in a, “I’ll do it for free.” “Kaylee!” “I’m kidding!” Kaylee said smiling innocently. A look of sudden pain crossed her face before her neck craned hard to the left and she let out a loud “MRS. GARCIA IS A SLIMY BALL OF POTATO SALAD, DICK SHAPED, POPSICLE STICKS!” The handful of kids present erupted in a fit of giggles. Ella could even see Mrs. Hernandez up front clamping down on her knuckle in order to stifle a snort of laughter. The only one who didn’t seem amused was a blond lady in the back glaring daggers in their direction. Ella took that to mean she was the infamous Mrs. Garcia. Ella turned back around in her seat to find Kaylee slumped in her seat staring wide eyed at Jasmine. “That… that really was a tic! I swear!” Jasmine studied her face for a second before letting out a sigh. “I know. Only your brain could come up with something like that.” she said before smiling. Jasmine picked up another folder and read it. “Now who do we have here…Isabella Marsh.” she clicked her tongue as she read occasionally muttering to herself. “Wow, you’ve been through a lot these last few years. Ten years old, mostly non-verbal, please encourage speaking when possible.” She scrolled down the page until she saw a small hand written note at the bottom. Student has severe anxiety. Please encourage and accompany to restroom during breaks. May try to run. Parental Consent form has been signed for cleaning and changes as needed. “Hello, Isabella, it’s very nice to me-” “Are you really ten?” Kaylee interrupted. “You look a lot smaller than ten.” Ella shrugged and nodded her head “You look like Tony, he’s in first grade.” “Kaylee,” Jasmine warned. “Sorry.” she mumbled back before craning her neck and shouting, “Elephants!” “Would you like a tour, Isabella?” She cocked her head to the side as Ella mouthed something to her. “I’m sorry? Can you repeat that?” She bent her head down lower. “La.” “La?” Ella shook her head. “El.” she paused for a breath. “La.” “El la?” She nodded her head. “Oh, your name is Ella?” She nodded her head again. “Well alright then, Ella, would you like me to show you around?” After another nod, they stood up. “Kaylee, why don’t you stay here and read? You already know where everything is.” “Eat shit, Santa!” Kaylee said, before shrugging and picking up her book. “What did Santa ever do to you?” Brian called back. “Did he not leave you the special helmet under the tree that keeps you from licking windows?” “Eat shit, Brian!” “Both of you knock it off!” Mrs. Hernandez said. “Do you want to lose your recess on your first day back?” “But he-” Kaylee started. “Or would you rather have detention with Mrs. Garcia? I’m sure she’s missed both of you very much.” That seemed to silence them. “It was one time.” Kaylee mumbled into her book. Jasmine guided her around pointing out various things in the room. There were several pairs of noise cancelling headphones sitting on chargers that she could come grab whenever in case she ever got overstimulated. “We try to cater to each student's unique needs. We have had kids who, when stressed, can’t handle very much external stimulation. Kaylee’s condition isn’t always helpful, not that we have them because of her mind you, but if she does ever get to be too much you can always come grab a pair. We try to avoid meltdowns whenever possible. We also have PlayDough for those who feel they need to be doing something with their hands.” “After lunch is twenty minutes of quiet time where we turn off all the lights. You can color, draw, rest your head on your desk. Whatever you want as long as you're being quiet. Over here we have a library where you can pick out something to read. We have books and magazines for all reading levels.” Ella followed her around examining all the things she was shown. She was especially interested in the headphones. She wished she could take some home for when Danielle and Heather were going at it. Next she was led out a door onto a balcony that overlooked a playground with sand. She loved the feeling of sand running through her fingers. She was already looking forward to recess when she could go play in it. After Jasmine finished showing her the outside area, they went back inside where she was led to another set of doors. “Here’s the bathroom. You are free to use it whenever you’d like.” Ella instinctively took a few steps back when the door was opened, as if to narrowly avoid the clutches of some unknown monster lurking inside. Jasmine shut the door without a word, and opened the second. Ella cautiously peeked inside and relaxed. It reminded her of the locker room at the gym they went to. Heather had been thinking of joining a gym, so she had taken Danielle and Ella with her on the tour to see what they had thought of the place. Heather wanted to lose weight, Danielle needed to stay active for soccer and Ella had been told she needed to do light exercises to build her strength back up. So off they had gone to their local Planet Fitness just to check it out. Ella had lost interest a few minutes in as they walked along the rows of treadmills and exercise bikes. She hadn’t been paying attention when the female tour guide began leading them down a hallway. Ella looked up in time to see a fork in the path. To the left hung a sign that said, “Women’s Restroom,” and to the right, “Women’s Locker Room.” Ella had hung back as Heather and Danielle poked their heads around and checked out the restroom, but had followed them to the right out of curiosity. She had never seen a locker room before. She wandered around the tiled room, in between the benches and looked at all the different stickers and locks on all the different metal cages. She could feel Heather’s eyes on her as they walked into the shower room. “Yes, individual shower stalls! I was afraid it was going to be a room full of naked people like at the water park.” Danielle said. Heather hadn’t replied, her eyes were still trained on Ella as she peeked behind a door to check it out. “Ella, does it bother you being in here?” Heather asked. Ella shook her head. It really hadn’t. She didn’t feel that chest crushing anxiety at all. That was all it took for Heather to sign them all up. From then on Heather had taken her every evening. Usually to work out, but sometimes just to have Ella take a shower. Heather had been ecstatic, stumped, but ecstatic. Ella didn’t see what the big deal was. She had liked bathing under the garden hose. Ella walked in with Jasmine, who closed the door behind her while Ella examined the cabinets and lockers. She noticed one of the lockers had her name on it, so she opened it to find a change of clothes and a few pull ups inside. “This is the changing room.” Jasmine said. “From time to time we do get kids who need more… personal care than others, and that’s okay.” Ella bit her lip and eyed the bed on the edge of the wall. It was like a bed in the nurse's office with paper covering the top. “And this room is also…” She turned a knob and a stream of water came crashing onto the tiled floor from a shower head Ella hadn’t noticed. She watched the water flow down the drain in a corner. “The floors are a little slanted, so be careful when walking in here.” Jasmine said while removing the shower head nozzle to show her. “For when wet wipes just can’t do the trick.” Ella shuffled from foot to foot wishing Jasmine would turn off the water. She hated the sound of running water, it always made her have to pee. “And here,” Jasmine said after turning off the water and opening another door. “This room and the bathroom are connected.” Ella looked, but couldn’t hide the fear that darkened her face. She knew her bucket wasn’t here, so she’d have to use the bathroom eventually. Heather had been trying desperately to wean her off of it. Yes, she could use the restroom, but only as a last ditch resort. She still had a habit of holding it until the very last second, and sometimes on bad days she couldn’t work up the courage in time and end up having an accident. The last week or so Heather had been even more pushy than usual about it. She had been getting Ella up at the crack of dawn and making her sit on the toilet before her brain had enough time to wake up and process what was happening. Ella insisted on leaving the door open a quarter of the way, and made either Heather or Danielle promise to stand guard by the door and protect her from whatever demon seemed to be lurking in the bathroom's shadows ready to pounce. The mornings and early afternoons were the easiest, but as the day progressed the monster that lived in the small tiled room seemed to grow more and more powerful. In the evenings, it was all but impossible. The monster, as Ella referred to it as, physically restrained her outside the door and refused to let her in. On most nights, when Heather wanted her to try, her pants were soaked before she even took a step in. After being bitten one too many times, Heather just let her use the bucket after 6pm. Until then, it was locked away in Heather’s room. Ella called it The Monster, but Heather knew it was just her anxiety. Danielle had taken to calling it her Spicy Dejavu. No matter the name Heather, Danielle, and Rose all agreed on one thing. Something, most likely at night, had happened to Ella in a bathroom on the night of her mother’s death, and that memory was trying to resurface in the form of nightmares. Even the psychologist had failed in getting any information out of Ella as to the contents of her dreams, not through talking, writing, or pictures. Finally, she had suggested that Ella truly didn’t remember, and maybe this was one suppressed memory that needed to stay that way. “Honey, did you hear what I asked?” Jasmine said. Ella shook her head. “I asked if you wanted to try going potty before class started. You’re awfully ancy. Your file says you sometimes need help, and that’s what I’m here for.” Ella shook her head out of habit, only to realize she had been dancing in place. Damn it! She did have to go. “How about you try for me anyway?” Jasmine asked, offering her hand. Ella let out a frustrated moan, but took her hand and let her guide her into the bathroom. “It’s okay, we’re almost there. Just a couple more steps. You can do it.’ Ella gave Jasmine’s hand a death grip as they walked toward the toilet. “I’ll be right over here when you’re done.” Jasmine said, as she walked toward the other room. “No!” Ella yelled, for her anyway. “Okay, don’t worry, I won’t go anywhere.” Jasmine said, sounding surprised. When Ella made no move to undress, Jasmine offered her a hand. “Here, let me help you with your clothes.” She swiftly pulled everything down to her thighs and Ella sat. And then...nothing happened. She could feel her chest tightening. She tried the breathing and relaxation techniques the psychologist taught her. Still nothing. She was too stressed and it was only getting worse. “Are you all done?” Jasmine asked after a minute. “Can’t. Go.” Jasmine gave a sad frown. “Is your tummy upset?” Ella shook her head again. “Can’t. Pee.” “Did you have an accident?” She looked down at the pull up. “Nope, still dry.” Ella tried getting up, but Jasmine put a hand up to stop her. “Give it another minute, if you still can’t go we can always try later. Maybe it was just a false alarm.” Ella was starting to panic. She had reached her limit of being able to be in here. “Up!” Ella begged. “Okay, you tried. You did good, Ella. I know you’re sca-” Ella bolted, barely getting her skirt back up before she burst through the door. She sucked in a lungful of air as she stopped to breathe by her desk. Relief flooded her body as the invisible hands of The Monster stopped squeezing her chest. “Um...Jasmine.” Kaylee said, staring at Ella. “Yeah, what’s up?” Jasmine peeked her head around the corner of the bathroom, clipboard in hand as she finished writing a note. “Got a problem over here.” “What kind of problem?” Jasmine asked heading over. “A leaky problem.” “Oh, Ella!’ Jasmine whispered laying a hand on her shoulder. “You tried.” Ella choked out a sob. Tears were spilling from her eyes, and urine was streaming down her legs. She couldn’t stop peeing! She hadn’t gotten the pull up on right in her haste to get out. The moment she had stopped running The Monster had pulled the cork. She could feel all eyes on her, including a set belonging to the infamous Mrs. Garcia. Her lips were pulled back in a disgusted snarl as she glared at her. “That’s so gross!” Brian said. Ella began to sob for real “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Jasmine whispered. “C’mon, let's go back to the changing room and we can get you all cleaned up.” Ella hadn’t remembered walking over, but the next thing she knew she was laying out half naked on the table, vaguely recalling Jasmine rinsing her lower half off with the shower head. She was now patting her legs dry with a towel as she tried to console her. There was a knock and suddenly the door inched open. “How is she?” Mrs. Hernandez asked. “Still pretty upset.” “What happened? I thought her mom said she was in pull-ups.” “She is, she just didn’t get them up all the way. She sat on the toilet for a bit, but she started panicking and bolted.” “Her mom says she has some kind of PTSD related issues with bathrooms.” “Huh, so what do you want to do? Should I give her another pull up?” “Ella, do you think you’ll try and use the bathroom again today?” Mrs. Hernandez asked. Ella didn’t answer. “I think she’s had enough. Tape her. Give her the headphones and keep her lying down for fifteen minutes and see if she calms down. If she asks for the restroom later, take her, but give her the compression vest.” “Okay,” Jasmine said before the door closed. Ella could hear cupboards being opened and closed. “I know you’re having a rough morning, but I’m going to try and help you feel better.” More tears fell from her eyes when she felt her legs get lifted, but she didn’t fight it. This was her punishment. Jasmine was quick and gentle. Her hands moved as if she had done this 100 times before. “We’re gonna take it nice as easy today, alright?” She had just taped up the sides when the door creaked open again and in walked Kaylee. “Please give Ella some privacy and go back to your desk.” “I came to see how my new friend was doing.” Kaylee said, ignoring Jasmine and pulling up the shower chair next to the bed. “Friend?” Ella asked with a sniffle, not bothering to hide her current state of dress. She had hit her embarrassment limit already. There was no shame left to feel. “Yeah! Brian got detention for his reaction earlier, and Garcia’s on her hands and knees scrubbing your pee out of the carpet. You’re my hero!” “Kaylee! Out! Get out! You’re not supposed to be here!” Jasmine snapped. “Ella doesn’t need to hea-” she stopped, before shaking her head. Ella was curled in a ball, not crying, but laughing. “Fine, you can stay until I get back, but then you’re going back to your desk and starting the Math packet.” Kaylee watched her leave until she was out of ear shot. “Remember that thing I yelled about Garcia being slimy potato salad, or whatever that was?” Ella nodded as Kaylee stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a few dollars. “Snacks from the vending machine on me!” Ella let out a snort of laughter. “Anyway, don’t feel bad about what happened. If you couldn’t tell, we’re all a little messed up here.” She whispered, before letting out a loud. “FUCK!” Ella smiled. “Not me though, I’m totally normal. You guys are the weird ones. ASK ME ABOUT BREASTFEEDING PUPPIES FOR FUN AND PROFIT!” “Okay, You and your unhealthy relationship with puppies need to head back to your desk.” Jasmine said, standing in the doorway holding a pair of headphones. Kaylee snickered and stood up, but not before pulling her pants an inch down from the waist and flashing Ella the band of a pull up. “Tics,” she said with a shrug as if that explained everything. “Hey, remember that kid last year who got mad Garcia took away his Switch so he pooped on the rug?” “OUT!” “Legend!” Kaylee said before closing the door behind her. “I swear that girl!” Jasmine said, shaking her head. “What she means is that we have all sorts of kids with all sorts of problems come through here. You are not the first and certainly won’t be the last to leave your mark on the rug out there. ” Ella grimaced and made a mental note not to lay on the floor here. “How are you doing? You look like you're doing better.” Ella shrugged. “Here, just close your eyes for a bit and listen to this. I’ll be back in a bit to see how you’re doing.” Jasmine slipped the headphones over her ears and pressed play on her phone. Ella closed her eyes as Jasmine flipped off the lights and listened to the nature sounds coming through. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Ella sat at the dinner table later that night, absentmindedly chasing a meatball around her plate with a fork. As per usual, she had taken three bites and claimed she was full. This time she was though. She had filled up on candy and applesauce during lunch. Kaylee had gotten her a packet of Peanut Butter M&ms. She wasn’t used to eating that much candy at once and had been on a sugar high all afternoon. They didn’t get much classwork done either, especially when Kaylee had unexpectedly grabbed Ella’s head in her hands and given her a large lick up the side of her face. The three of them had sat in stunned silence looking from one person to the other before Jasmine finally asked, “Kaylee...was...was that a tic?” “Yeah.” she said quietly sinking low in her seat before all three of them had burst into laughter. Ella had jokingly pleaded with Jasmine to switch seats with her, but she had vehemently refused. “No way, girlie, I ain’t sittin in the splash zone.” “So, Ella, how was your first day of school? Do you like it? ” Heather asked. It was awful at first, but it got better, she thought. “Yes.” she said. “You looked like you were having fun when I picked you up. Who was that you were playing with?” “Kay. Lee.” She croaked. She took a sip of water and massaged her sore throat. “You’re a little raspy tonight. Were you using your voice a lot today?” “Yes.” “Oh good! I’m glad to hear! It’s good practice! The more you use your vocal cords the sooner your voice will come back. So Is Kaylee your friend?” “Yes.” “I’m happy to hear that! You could use some friends!” “Is yes all you can say?” Charlie asked with a grin. “Yes.” Ella said back. “Don’t encourage him, Ella.” Danielle said. “So what did you learn? Math, Vocabulary?” he asked, poking a meatball with a fork. “Words.” Ella said. “Oh yeah? What kinds of new words?” Heather asked. “Fuck.”

Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback. Always nice to know someone out there is enjoying it. Helps keep me motivated to write more.

Chapter 11 Heather sat staring at her laptop screen. She had been staring at it for the last few minutes unsure of how to even begin to respond to the email. It was from Rose checking in on how Ella was settling in, not from her work email, but from her personal one. Hi, Rose It’s been good. We are slowly making progress. I can’t believe it’s already been a month! We’ve gotten her set up with Kaiser and it’s been going much smoother than in the beginning. My insurance was a nightmare and had us running all over town trying to see this specialist and that specialist. Now she has a team of doctors in one place and they are much more accommodating to her specific needs. She’s been going to speech therapy twice a week and we run through our vocal exercises every day. It’s slow going. It’s almost like she has to physically strain to get any kind of noise or words out. They’ve checked her throat for any kind of damage but haven’t found anything. The neurologist says he’s concerned she may have suffered some kind of TBI incident, so we are waiting on an MRI. The CT scan came back negative, but after a series of tests the doctor says she is showing lower cognitive functioning in the left hemisphere. We are working on basic addition, but she is struggling to understand. She seems to be at a first grade level. He seems confident enough that if there was an injury, it didn’t cause any permanent damage. It is simply a matter of her relearning. Besides the speech therapist and neurologist, she has also been seeing a child psychologist once a week, and a psychiatrist every other. She’s been on an anti-anxiety medication, and it seems to be helping. She no longer bites and claws, but the panic attacks have yet to fully subside. The doctor wants to give it more time until she adjusts the dosage. Danielle says she is still having nightmares and thrashing in the night, but Ella still refuses to tell us what they’re about. She insists she doesn’t know, but I have a feeling she isn’t being completely honest about it. The psychologist says she is very sensitive, especially to what is going on around her. She picks up on any tension in the house like a magnet. Getting her to use the restroom has still been a battle, but we’ve made some progress here and there with a lot of coaxing and a little bribery. She mostly still uses the bucket though. Her daytime accidents have been reduced to only once or twice a week, and mostly when we have been out and about. She did have one major blowout at home, and that was when Danielle had had friends over in her room. It hadn’t crossed my mind to move the bucket into a different part of the house, and Ella isn’t very forthcoming about when she needs something. I don’t think she had meant to do it on purpose. I think she had tried to wait until they left, but they never did. I found her crying in the laundry room huddled in the corner. I ended up having to hose her down in the backyard. Hygiene has been more of a hurdle than anything so far. I knew you told me her issue wasn’t limited to just the toilet, but it hadn’t really clicked until the first time I tried to get her to take a bath. She took off streaking out the front door. She made quite the first impression on the neighbors. “”Hello, Mr. Bryant, but have you by any chance seen a naked girl run past here?” wasn’t how I had planned to share the good news of our families latest addition. I wish I could say that was the only time that happened. Our next door neighbor thinks we adopted an exhibitionist and I’m starting to think she’s right. There’s conversations I never thought I’d have to have with a ten year old. Things like, “I know it’s hot honey, put please keep your clothes on in public.” and “No, you can’t pee in the grass; you need to wait until we get home or use your pull up if it’s an emergency.” She’s usually good about making it home in time, unless it was a rough day. She seems to be more prone to accidents under stress. She’s doing well, but they’re still a little too frequent for me to be comfortable letting her leave the house without them. Despite one of the doctors concerns, we’ve decided to keep her in pull ups for the time being. She hates using them, so I know when she’s wet, it truly was an accident. Except for two times, Heather thought. The first was when Heather and the girls had had many errands to run that day, but they were only at their second stop when Ella had begun doing the dance. They still had to go to the grocery store, the bank, and the Verizon store. They were thirty minute drive from home and Heather couldn’t justify turning back around. It was still her first couple weeks home and Ella was having a rough start. She was still dead set again setting foot inside a restroom, and Heather knew she’d never make it all day. While she had packed spare clothes and pull ups, changing her was going to be another story. The car was too full, and the parking lot was out; she was still trying to break her habit of public nudity and didn’t want to send mixed messages. The answer came when she saw the dressing rooms. “Danielle, you can go look at the books if you want while we finish up.” Heather suggested. Her eldest daughter wasted no time making a beeline as far away from them as possible. “There’s something I saw that I thought would look cute on you.” Heather said. She picked up a child sized shirt off the rack without bothering to look at it and guided her into a stall before locking the door behind them. “Pants off.” Heather said. Ella looked at the shirt in her hand in confusion, before Heather hung it up and unzipped the bag. Ella shook her head when she saw what was inside. I didn’t! Ella mouthed silently before dropping her pants to reveal the dry pull up underneath. “You need to though.” Heather said, dropping her voice to a whisper. It wasn’t a question. “I’m giving you a pass just this once. I know you can’t hold it until we get back home, and I don’t know if we’ll have another opportunity to change you until then. You can either be miserable all day, or you can get it over with now.” Ella looked down at her feet, something Heather noticed she did when she was embarrassed, and continued her dance. I don’t have to go. “You have thirty seconds to decide if that’s your final answer.” Heather said before she started her countdown. It only took fifteen seconds for Ella to begin waving her arms to stop the countdown. “Oh, what’s that?” Heather whispered, a sly smile on her face at a quick victory. “You do have to go?” Ella slowly nodded and looked away. Heather knew she should be thankful Ella wasn’t as brazen with what came out of her body as she was with her body itself, but she couldn’t help wish Ella would just come out and admit what she needed to do and when. She wondered if that would be asking too much too soon. Beggars can’t be choosers. I’m sorry. “Are you sorry that you lied, or sorry that you have to pee?” Both. , “You don’t need to be sorry that you have to pee, that’s normal and healthy. Everyone pees. What matters is time and place. That’s why I want you to tell me so I can find you the right time and place. Trust me, everyone tries to time it so they won’t have to go when they’re out and about, but our bodies don’t always work that way. I know you went before you left and that’s what matters. It’s okay you have to go again, it means you’re doing what I asked of you and drinking water.” Ella nodded her head, but continued moving in place. But you said not to. “I know I said not to use it on purpose, but right now just this once, it’s okay.” Why? “Because it’s more convenient for both of us if you do.” But… “Ella,” Heather said, gripping her shoulders. “Now or never.” Ella grimaced, before burying her head against Heather's stomach as if to hide. “There you go, that’s it.” Heather whispered encouragingly as she made sure Ella’s waist was far enough away from her. Ella may have a change of clothes, but she did not. It only took a few more seconds of coaxing until Heather could hear Ella’s breath hitch followed by a faint hisssss. She gave her back a few reassuring rubs to keep her from crying and waited for her to finish. When all had gone quiet and Ella still hadn’t moved, Heather looked down to survey the damage. Other than a few droplets coasting down her legs, it had held up. “That wasn’t so bad. Don’t you feel better?” When she had offered the trash bag, and Ella had still made no move to clean herself, Heather took the initiative and pulled off the sodden garment. The ripping noise seemed to have awakened her out of her trance and brought her back to reality. Instead of handing her the wet wipe, Heather finished wiping her down front and back. When she had grabbed a new pull up and looked back up, she was dismayed to see a new trickle running down her leg. “Ella!” Heather whispered, while wiping her leg again. “Did you not finish all the way?” Ella shrugged. Heather hurriedly stuffed the used pull up and wipes into the bag. “What about now?” She shrugged again. “Please don’t be a UTI.” Heather mumbled. “Squat.” She ordered before pressing the half full bag of dirty accessories underneath her. “See if you can get anymore pee to come out, push a little if you need to.” Heather inwardly groaned when she heard a few seconds of trickling liquid fall onto the wet wipes in the bag. “Just one thing after another with you, isn’t it? Poor kid.” Another trip to the doctor and another round of medication forced them to confront the bath problem. When Heather had tried to take them to the pool only for Ella to refuse to get anywhere near the water, Heather thought for sure she knew what the problem was. Ella wasn’t afraid of restrooms. She was afraid of water! She was almost positive… until the very next day she walked in the backyard to find Ella and Danielle having a grand time running through the sprinklers and spraying each other with the garden hose. She stood there beaming up at Heather, water dripping from her clothes and hair. Heather sighed in defeat before returning into the house to fetch a bottle of body wash and a loofah. “Garden hose baths and a bucket for a toilet. She just wants CPS called on me.” She looked fondly at the framed picture of her two girls. One butt naked covered head to toe in bubbles while the other chased her with the garden hose. She smiled at the memory. The second time Heather had given her permission had been a few days ago at the movies. With thirty minutes left, her squirming and shuffling about was beginning to annoy the other patrons seated around her. When Heather had locked eyes with a mom who had flashed her a dirty look, she leaned close to Ella’s ear and whispered, “Just go in the pull-up.” With eyes still fixed to the screen, Ella uncrossed her legs and leaned back in her chair, a look of relief and contentment spreading across her face. I’ve got Ella enrolled in a special sort of school for kids with special needs. It’s a small class size and they offer more one on one attention. She starts tomorrow, I’m nervous for her. I hear there’s another girl her age there named Kaylee with some kind of neurological disorder. They didn’t say what, but I hope they get along. I tried to get her enrolled in regular public school, but their program couldn’t meet the attention she would need, or understand her non verbal cues. You know, now that I’ve got you here, I was hoping you could send me any information on her past, or even how I could get ahold of the police report of how they found her? I’m a little unsure of the exact details, but I thought you had said something about her being found in the bathroom. It got me thinking, what if she had been left in the bathtub? I thought maybe she was afraid of water, but then I found her playing in the garden hose. Now I’m not sure anymore. Just a theory I wanted to dig a little further on. Anything helps! P.s. Was she always prone to streaking? I swear every time I turn around she’s naked. …………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Ella sat upright in her booster seat, jiggling her legs with excitement and nerves. It had been years since she had gone to school. She smoothed her skirt down, hoping it concealed the pull-up well enough underneath. She had wanted to go without them, but Heather wouldn’t let her. “Let’s see how you do first.” she said. “This isn’t like a regular school where I needed you 100% independent and out of diapers. There’s people here who can help you if you’re too scared to go alone or have an accident.” Ella scowled. She wasn’t in diapers. And she could go to the restroom now. Sort of. Sometimes. With help… When there was no other option. “Lets go over your vocals one more time.” Heather said from behind the wheel. “Ahhh.” “Ahhh,” Ella repeated quietly. “A little louder.” “Ahhh!” “I-” “Iiiii” “Keep holding it.” “iiiii” “As long as you can.” “Iiii.” Ella chanted until she couldn’t anymore. They followed through various notes until they pulled up in front of the school. Ella held Heather's hand as they walked inside, her heart now hammering with excitement. They walked towards the front office until they came to a locked door. Heather pressed the intercom button and announced Ella was here for school. A lightly brown skinned woman with black hair and glasses opened the door to greet them. “You must be Isabella!” the woman said smiling down at her. “Hi sweetie, are you ready for your first day?” Ella nodded shyly and clung tighter to Heather. The woman, who introduced herself as Mrs. Hernandez, exchanged details, but Ella wasn’t listening. She was focused on what was behind her new teacher. A young man in his early twenties was pushing a teenager in a wheelchair down the hall and into an elevator. The teenagers' face seemed a bit different. She knew what it was, but couldn’t quite remember what it was called. She had met a girl who looked like that before. She thought it might be called Drowned Syndrome, but had a feeling it wasn’t quite right. She was always so happy, Ella remembered from her time in the hospital. Her name was Dawn. She was fifteen, and made it a point to tell everyone they were pretty, even Ella with her bald head, and complexion so pale she looked mostly dead already. She hadn’t realized how much she had liked Dawn until she learned she had died from complications from the flu that had made them all sick that December. “You ready?” Mrs. Hernandez asked before offering her hand. Ella nodded before turning back to Heather. “You’ll do fine. “ Heather said. She knelt down and gave Ella a hug. “You have fun. I love you.” Ella quietly croaked, “I love you too,” that sounded more like “I rum eww.” She took Mrs. Hernandez’s outstretched hand as they walked inside, up a flight of stairs and went inside a door to the left. The room looked a bit different from any classroom that Ella had been in before. Instead of twenty to thirty desks, there were only eight. Two sets of three desks, and one of two. Ella was led to a set of three and set next to a girl who appeared to be around her age, but much larger. “This is Kaylee. Kaylee, this is Ella. You two are going to be partners. Your aide, Jasmine, should be here any minute. I’ll take your backpack, how about you take a seat and get to know one another, while I get everyone situated.” Ella nodded and took a seat next to the brunette girl, who appeared to be reading a book. She looked up briefly and Ella gave her a shy smile, but Ella’s smile quickly fell into a look of shock and hurt when Kaylee glanced her over before telling her to “Fuck off.” ………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. “Hello?” Heather said into her cell phone as she pulled into the driveway in front of her house. “Hi, this is Dr. Patton, Ella’s neurologist. I was giving you a call to go over the results of Ella’s MRI.” “Yes, thank you for calling!” Heather said, sounding eager. She had been waiting to hear back with mixed feelings of apprehension and curiosity. “So I did notice a small spot on Ella’s scan that does indicate some sort of minor brain damage in the past. The good news is that I compared it to an earlier scan and it does appear to be healing.” “Brain damage? What? When?..How? If she had already had an MRI before wouldn’t they have noticed?” “It is minor, but it might explain why she’d fallen behind, or regressed in some of her milestones. I’m going to give my best educated guess and say this happened maybe two to four years ago. It doesn’t seem related to her radiation treatment. I’m not 100% certain on the cause, but it could have been caused by either oxygen deprivation, or a fall. She could have easily fallen during treatment and hit her head on something. That’s my best speculation. The good news is that she can recover from this, it’s just going to take time. The best course of action would be to continue with the speech therapy and specialized learning until she catches back up.” Heather sat stunned for a moment as his words played over in her mind. Oxygen deprivation… She thought of her earlier theory. There was something there, she was almost certain of it… “When you say oxygen deprivation, is it possible that maybe she almost drowned?” “Uh, yes, that is a possibility actually. Why do you ask? Is there an event that comes to mind?” “Well, when her biological mom committed suicide and Ella was found alone in the bathroom, I’m wondering if at the time Ella had been taking a bath. Maybe she had expected her mom to come back and get her, but had fallen asleep when she hadn’t and went under for a bit.” “Oh wow, I didn’t know, that’s tough. It’s definitely a possibility, but I think it’s more likely she hit her head. The simplest answer is usually the correct one. Either way, give her time and you should begin to see improvement. “ “Okay, thank you for calling.” Heather said before hanging up. Simplest answer my ass, she thought. The pieces to the puzzle were almost there, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

Chapter 10 Please, stop! It hurts! I have nothing left inside of me! Ella continued to cough and gag. Her throat burned down all the way into her esophagus. With every lurch of her stomach, her vision became spotted with black dots that threatened to eclipse everything. She was going to pass out. She couldn’t keep this up. She groped blindly in the air for something, anything, to hold on to. “Help!” Ella croaked. She was falling. And then hands wrapped around her torso and gently lowered her onto the bathroom tile. “I’ve got you. It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Her mother sat with her on the bathroom floor gently stroking Ella’s head. “It hurts!” Ella said in a raspy voice between gasps for breath. “What hurts? Your throat?” “Everything,” Ella said before letting her head fall onto her mom’s shoulder. Her joints ached. Her skin burned. There were open sores in her mouth and throat that refused to heal. Ella didn’t have to find a clock to know what time it was. It was a little after 10:00 pm on a Tuesday night. Chemo was on Tuesdays and Thursdays and by 10:00pm, six hours after treatment, she would lose the fight to her gurgling stomach. “I know, sweetie, I know.” She felt her mother's arm tighten around her. “I just wish I could make it all better.” Her voice was choked with sobs. “No eight year old should have to go through this. I’d do anything to make it all better.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………. Ella awoke from her dream feeling dazed and confused. This was not where she had fallen asleep, she was sure of it. Instead of being pretzeled under the desk, she was stretched out on the black leather sofa in the office, covered by the sheet that had once hidden her from view. She tried to sit up, but a weight on her chest kept her pinned down. She reached a hand up and stroked the furry lump that seemed more than content to suffocate her in the name of its comfort. “He hasn’t left your side all evening.” a voice said startling her. The cat had blocked her view of the other occupant on the opposite end of the couch by her feet. “C’mon, Ribbit, let her sit up. You can mooch off her body heat later.” The pressure was suddenly lifted off her chest followed by an indignant, “mrow!” Ella sat up and scooched as far away from the couches occupant as possible. The red haired man merely smiled. She eyed him suspiciously. She didn’t have much experience in dealing with men, apart from Batman (A.k.a. Pedro from janitorial) and her soccer coach. Since her mom had stopped liking her soccer coach, Ella had decided she hadn’t liked him either. She couldn’t even remember his name now. Pedro was alright though, sometimes he snuck her a piece of candy when Rose wasn’t looking from the nurses station. Once when Ella had been really sick, Pedro had come in her room and “accidentally” dropped a few jolly ranchers in her bed. Rose had caught him and chased him out with one of her shoes while yelling, “Get your nasty man germs outta here!” while hopping on one foot. They had both been laughing, so Ella knew he wasn’t really in trouble. Ella had been laughing too, until she had spotted them kiss outside her room a few minutes later. She quickly realized that had not been something they had meant her to see when Rose waggled her shoe at her. She had quickly pretended to be asleep after that. “Was I surprised to find a little sleeping girl under my desk tonight.” Said Charlie. Ella studied his face, but he didn’t seem mad. “Reminds me of Danielle when she was little, used to fall asleep in the strangest of places.” They sat in silence for a few minutes with Ella curled up in the sheet as she hugged her knees unsure of whether she should stay or make a break for it. She thought back to the dream she was having and a stab of guilt pierced her heart. Had she really been so ready to throw away her own mother in favor of the first woman who had picked her up and hugged her? She didn’t want you. You were broken. No one wanted you. That’s why you sat alone in the hospital for so long. She tried to shake the thoughts out of her head. She felt sick enough without the added stress. “So, um, there's dinner downstairs if you’re hungry. I can reheat it if you’d like, we figured you’d rather sleep.” said Charlie. Ella shook her head. The last thing she felt like doing was eating. “Danielle said something about you wanting to be alone for a while.” Ella shrugged. “I heard you had a rough day at the doctors.” Ella shrugged again. She had been through worse. It was just different. Usually the projectiles came from the other end. “I know it’s only been a day, but are you settling in okay? I mean, I know going to the doctor first thing wasn’t exactly the greatest welcome home celebration but…” She gave the so-so motion with her hand. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful. She was finally in a real home with a mom, a dad, and a sister, but it had not been the dream she had expected. She wanted to bring it up, but she didn’t know how. Fortunately for Ella, Charlie had seemed to read her mind. “Is it the fighting?” Ella widened her eyes and nodded. She was not used to being around this much conflict. “Those two…” he said letting out an exasperated sigh. “They’re best buddies one minute and at each other's throats the next. It’s just extra bad right now with the, uh, change.” You’re the change. It’s your fault. “Danielle’s heading into her teen years along with the attitude that comes with it and she wants her independence. As for Heather, she still sees Danielle as her baby. She’s having a hard time letting go. We tried for years to have more children, but…” He trailed off for a second trying to find the right words. “It just wasn’t meant to be.” But why her though, Ella wondered. Of all the kids they could’ve taken in, she was like the broken doll on the bottom of a clearance bin. Before she could ascertain why she was in the situation she was in the “Thump Thump Thump” of heavy footfalls came down the hall. Ella grimaced. The approaching footsteps was like the sound of hammers being struck into the ground to her over stimulated senses. She wanted to dive back under the desk. Heather stuck her head in and beamed. “You’re up.” Ella sat up straight and let her feet dangle. They were still a good couple of feet from reaching the ground. She stared at her toes as Heather moved closer and squeezed in between her and Charlie. “How are you feeling? Any better?” Before she could respond a cool hand pressed against her forehead. Heather let out a disapproving moan. “Poor baby. Still running a fever.” If Heather was still harboring any ill will about being bitten, she didn’t show it, Ella relaxed, feeling the tension drain out of her as Heather wrapped an arm around her and held her close. At first, her instinct was to get the hell out of there, but she was too tired to fight. Heather and Charlie talked amongst themselves as Ella slowly nursed a cold calorie shake she had been ordered to drink. She didn’t feel like pressing her luck with Heather anymore.. She had been given a lot of “suggestions” the past two days, but her fluid intake Heather had pointed out before, was not one of them. When that was gone, the empty can had quickly been replaced with a bottle of water. Ella frowned at the bottle before unscrewing the lid and downing enough to make Heather return to her conversation. When she was no longer being watched, she set the half full bottle aside, closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around her fluid filled tummy while occasionally shifting this way and that in order to get comfortable. She could hear the water gurgling and sloshing about as she moved. After about thirty minutes or so, Ella couldn’t really tell, Charlie got up and left the two of them alone. They sat in silence for a moment before Heather asked if she wanted to go to bed or stay up and watch a movie with them. Ella mimed that she wanted to go to bed. She wanted this day to be over with. “We’ll get you settled in a bit.” Said Heather. Ella watched as her fingers clicked over the keys on her cellphone. “Finish your water while we wait for Danielle to finish.” Ella inwardly groaned as she took the last few gulps of water down “like a champ” as Heather had put it. She could hear distant water running somewhere in another part of the house awakening her bladder. She tried coyly snaking her hand between her legs. She couldn’t remember peeing in the pull up earlier, but it felt damp. She couldn’t risk leaking on the couch here, and what if peeing into it made noise? She couldn’t remember if it did or not. The thought of Heather hearing her pee made her skin crawl. She was so used to doing literally EVERYTHING in front of someone. She had never had privacy before. She’s changed in front of people. She peed into cups held by other people when her hands were too unsteady to hold it without dropping it. Hell, she had even had a full conversation ( Well Rose talked, Ella listened and nodded along) while having diarrhea in a hollow bucket without blinking an eye. And not the quiet kind either! The machine gun kind! Pedro, who had been mopping in the hall at the time, yelled about having “Vietnam flashbacks” from the other side of the curtain. Whatever that meant. Now though Ella seemed hyper aware of her actions and surroundings. Now that she was out in the real world, she had a sinking suspicion this was far from normal. That she was far from normal. She tried to think back to before she had been sick. Did she know anyone in diapers Not past the age of three. Why else would the doctor try to force her to use the toilet so much? She wanted to be normal damn it! She gave a not so subtle squirm. The running water was really getting to her now. She decided she’d hold it until she was alone in the bedroom. She’d just pee in the pull up, clean up any leaks and change herself then. At least that was what she had planned, but Heather seemed to have zero’d in on her current state. “Do you need to go potty?” Ella inwardly cringed. Baby talk made her agitated. It wasn’t that she was being treated younger. She didn’t mind that. She was even kind of a sucker for it in the right circumstances. Did she want a lollipop after getting a shot? Damn straight she did. A sticker? Why the hell not? A bedtime story after a really long day to soothe her to sleep? Yes please! What she despised was being talked to like she was… slow. Just because she didn’t talk didn’t mean she didn’t understand. She found it insulting so she pretended not to have heard her. “Or are you wet?” Heather went on. Ella chose to stare ahead, grimacing as she felt Heather pull away the sheet and check for herself. “A little damp.” Ella squirmed again, moving away. “Potty, definitely.” She stood up and offered a hand to Ella. “It’s full!” Danielle yelled from down the hallway. “Ok, thanks!” Heather yelled back. “Be there a minute! Just need to do something first!” Ella wrapped herself back in the sheet and allowed herself to get guided out to the hallway. The bathroom was to the right and she was getting ready to dig her heels in, but Heather guided her to the left and back into the bedroom. Once they were there Heather closed the door behind them. Ella shifted from foot to foot, no longer able to hide the effect of the copious amounts of fluids she had drank. She was ready to pee in the pull up whether Heather saw or not. She seemed to have read her mind. “I know you need to go, but hold on just a minute longer. I need to know if this will work.” Ella crossed her legs and shuffled from foot to foot as Heather bent down behind the bed. “Ta-da!” Heather set the white bucket and seat down in the center of the room. “What you’re used to is a bit out of our price for something temporary. Until we can get to the bottom of all this, hopefully this will work for the time being?” Ella nodded her approval. She looked from it back to Heather pleading. Heather took a few steps back and sat on Danielle’s bed. “Go on, show me you can use it.” Ella lunged forward, her previous anxieties about being thought of as slow now unimportant in her current state. She struggled with the pull up, but Heather reached forward and ripped it off in one swift motion. She threw herself down on the seat just in time. The feeling of relief was pure bliss. She didn’t have to let it out in small spurts, or worry about accidents or leaks. She could sit here and pee as much as she needed and it felt heavenly. “Were you able to go?” Heather asked. She sounded worried. Ella realized what was missing as a horrible thought crossed her mind. What if she was missing the bucket and peeing on the floor? She looked down between her legs to investigate the lack of sound, but was relieved to see her stream merely hitting the inside of the bucket and quietly flowing down. She re-adjusted herself and spread her legs a little more so it drummed noisily against the bottom of the bucket until she was finished. “We are one step in the right direction!” Heather cheered. Elle wiped herself before standing back up. Suddenly she was met with a ferocious hug. “You did it! Good job! We will work our way up from here and hopefully we can get you enrolled back in school in the fall!” Ella watched Heather pick up the bucket and move it back behind the head board. Ella then noticed her bed was now closer to the door by several feet to make room. “It’ll be here for you whenever you need it. You don’t need to wait for anyone, or ask anyone. We’ll keep it here behind your bed so you can have some privacy. In a few days when things have settled down and you’ve gotten more used to your surroundings we’ll try for the bathroom again, okay?” Ella doubted a few days would make much of a difference, but she just nodded along. “Now, you know what will make you feel even better?” Heather asked with a smile. “A bath!” And that was how Isabella Marsh became known to the neighbors as the infamous Chicken Pox Streaker of Cedar Circle. It was about to be a long summer.

Chapter 9 Danielle had been quiet since they had returned to the waiting room. If she had been angry with Ella before, she didn’t show it. Her attention was now drawn to the fold of her left arm, cradling her elbow in her right hand, as if it might pop off at the joint at any second. A small, white pad of gauze stuck to the inside crease by a clear line of tape. “The doctor wants to follow up with Ella in two weeks since she can’t have a live vaccine yet.” the secretary said. “You’re lucky you didn’t have to get a shot.” Danielle said, looking away from the offending injury for the first time. Ella noticed her face looked ashen and pale, as if she had been held down and tortured downstairs. She supposed to Danielle, she thought she had been. Ella wanted to point out that she had just been violated by what felt like a garden hose, but didn’t have the energy to fish out her notebook. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It just hurt. She wondered why they had bothered to check for an injury before turning her into a human water balloon and not after. It made no sense. Instead, she lifelessly gave her head a small nod at Danielle, who seemed pleased that Ella understood she had gotten off easy. “He also suggested you pick up a tube of Lidocaine topical ointment from the pharmacy. He’s written her a prescription for that as well to help with any pain or irritation. As for the chicken pox, he suggests an oatmeal bath to help alleviate the itching.” The secretary said. Suddenly she stood and beamed at Ella. “I heard you did really well in there!” She praised. Ella sunk down a little lower in her seat. The secretary laughed before turning back to Heather. “She’s such a cutie! How old is she?” “Ten!” Heather answered turning to smile at Ella. “Ten!?” the lady said, sounding shocked. “She’s so tiny though!” They both stared at her now. Ella hid behind her arms. The sudden attention made her uncomfortable. The only people she normally interacted with were a rotating staff of regular nurses, and they usually didn’t find her so cute after she had sunken her teeth into the flesh of their arm. Rose was the only one who had been up for the challenge and she had learned very quickly to wear long sleeves. “Well, I better get this little one home. She looks beat.” Heather said. Ella nodded, wanting nothing more than to just curl up in bed. “Before you go, since you were such a trooper, would you like a treat?” The lady held out a box towards Ella’s direction. Ella looked blankly at her followed by Heather. Her new mom smiled and gave her a nod of encouragement. Ella slowly stood up, grimacing as she hobbled over to the chorus of, “Aww’s,” and “Poor Thing.” Without looking, she pulled out the first thing her hand came in contact with. It was a Ring Pop. She smiled weakly, placing her palm on her chin before moving it outward. “Thank you,” was only one of the few things she knew how to properly sign. The rest she tended to mime out the best she could. “Fake it ‘till you make it!” as Rose used to say. Danielle rose to her feet. “Can I have one too?” The secretary glanced up, looking surprised as if noticing Danielle’s presence in the room for the first time. “They’re for the younger kids.” She hurriedly thrust the box back under the desk and busied herself with paperwork. “O-oh,” Danielle said softly. For a split second a look of hurt flashed across her face at the abrupt denial. Ella wondered for a brief moment if she had imagined it as well as it had come and gone as quickly as the earlier look of malice. “It-Its okay, we always go out for Baskin Robbins after.” She held up her bandaged arm for clarification. “Not today, Danielle, I need to get Ella home.” Heather said, turning to leave. “We have plenty of junk food at home.” Ella felt a small surge of gratitude. Unless that trip to Baskin Robbins included a scoop down the back of her pants, the thought of ice cream sounded about as unappealing as Paige walking through that door and saying she couldn’t leave until she pooped one more time. She felt even more grateful when Heather scooped her up after she saw her attempting a painful waddle. The sour look stayed on Danielle’s face a few seconds longer than last time, before returning to its usual self, albeit with a tinge of a frown. Ella had to hand it to her; she could sure bounce back. Maybe she felt as terrible as Ella did and decided ice cream didn’t sound that great after all. “I’m supposed to watch what I eat anyway; I've got soccer tryouts next week. Fingers crossed, right?” Danielle said to the secretary. She got no reply. Three strikes and she was out. By the time they made it to the car, Ella took back her original assessment. Danielle looked absolutely heartbroken. They rode in silence for the next ten minutes as Ella closed her eyes, grimacing at every bump in the road. When the car stopped, she lifted her head expecting to be in their driveway, but instead found herself in the drive thru of a Walgreens. “Will you stop sulking?” Heather said suddenly, sounding irritated. “I am not sulking!” Danielle snapped back. “You act like it’s the end of the world every time you have to get a simple test done!” “I was dizzy and I fell!” “No, what you did was put on a show!” Heather said, her voice rising. “Everything went dark; I got scared.” Danielle mumbled. “You’re the big sister now. You should be setting a good example. Ella put you to shame in there! I’m sure she didn’t have fun with what she had to do, but you didn’t see her crying about it. You need to start acting your age! You’re almost 13!” Ella inwardly groaned. She wished Heather would leave her out of this. Besides, Heather was wrong. Ella had cried plenty. Heather just hadn’t been there to see it. She stole a quick look at Danielle, who was practically shaking in her seat as she bit into her knuckles, eyes cinched tight. That’s when Ella remembered Emily Masterson, the girl who had ratted her out to security on her first night after Ella had decided to take an impromptu run down the hall naked and hide in Emily’s closet. Ella had never considered her a friend, but she remembered Emily having to go lie down after any kind of injection. Once, they had had to get Iv’s together, and she got all sweaty and started swaying side to side. The nurses had to bring her a pint of orange juice and a cookie to make her feel better. “Squeamish” was what Rose had called her. She thought back to how Danielle had looked in the waiting room, all quiet and pale. Her new sister may have a flair for the dramatic, but she hadn’t looked like she was “putting on a show.” Emily had fallen once, so maybe Danielle was “squeamish” too. Ella reached into her pocket and felt the Ring Pop. Maybe Danielle needed sugar? She pulled it out and began to hand it to Danielle, but Heather’s voice startled her into dropping it on the floor. “Don’t! She’s just upset because we’re not stopping for ice cream. She needs to learn that life will not reward her everytime time she faces a minor inconvenience.” Heather snapped. Ella shuddered. Danielle smiled weakly at her, but she couldn’t hide the tears anymore, and Ella knew this had nothing to do with getting ice cream. “Thanks,” Danielle mumbled, bending down and handing the sucker back. “But it’s yours.” Ella looked at the sucker and frowned. She was confused. Sure she had had a rough time at the drs, but hadn’t Danielle too? They had both faced their fears, so then why? Didn’t it make more sense to be afraid of needles than bathrooms? They had both done unpleasant things, so why was Ella being coddled and Danielle chastised? Why had she gotten the candy? She wasn’t a little kid either. Did two years really make that much of a difference? Ella thought of the blood. Danielle’s just getting older. She shuddered. She didn’t want to get older, and yet... she had. Those two years that meant the difference between punishment and reward.. It was the same amount of time that had passed her by. If these two years were so important, just what had she missed out on? …………………………………………………………………………………………………………. When they got home, Ella made a beeline for the bedroom. Heather and Danielle’s constant bickering was giving her a headache. She was itchy, sore, and overall just plain miserable. When she got to her side of the room, she kicked her shoes off, peeled off her socks, and let her too-big shorts fall to the floor with a dull thud. It felt too weird going around commando. She searched around for underwear, but was dismayed to find none. All she could find was the torn open bag of pull ups sitting on the floor by her dresser. Figuring it was better than nothing, she stepped inside the leg holes and hoisted them up to her hips. Feeling slightly more at peace, she kicked her clothes into a pile on the floor before climbing onto the bed and letting herself fall face first into her pillow. Her body felt like dead weight. She was so utterly exhausted, but she couldn’t seem to fall asleep. She had over shot tired, and now as a result ,was unbearably restless. She turned from one side to the other in an attempt to get comfortable. Her shirt kept getting twisted as she moved helplessly about, so without a second thought, she pulled it over her head and let it fall onto the floor with the rest of her clothes. Ella laid spread out, wearing nothing but a Disney princess themed pull up on the top of the comforter. The stifling heat and stuffy air made the idea of getting under the covers sound about as unappealing as another round of chemo. She was vaguely aware she was running a fever, but all she could do was keep flipping and rotating her pillow in search of a cool spot to rest her burning face. She wished she could push a button and have someone bring her a fan like she could in the hospital. Even for someone to come open the window would do. The thought of doing it herself crossed her mind, but the idea of getting up and dragging herself across the room seemed a monumental task in her current state. Rose would have had a cow if she caught her out of bed sick. Ella remembered the last time she had been running a fever. Santa had come early that year and had left all the good little boys and girls of floor three, Influenza type A. The nurses had also given them an early Christmas present two weeks prior. Flu shots. For type B. The call buttons had been chiming like Christmas bells ringing in the holidays. Ella had knocked a crayon off her tray and it had rolled off the bed and onto the floor five feet away. She thought nothing of it until her picture required a certain shade of blue, and only that shade of blue would do. The sea and the sky were not the same color after all. She pressed the call button and waited. And waited. And waited. No one came. She looked across the room willing the crayon to roll back, but as it turned out, the trade off for radiation treatments was not super powers. Unless projectile vomiting on school bullies counted, Batman (who was really just Pedro from janitorial in a cheap batman costume) was wrong. She wasn’t a hero. What kind of hero couldn’t even get a crayon to roll back to them? Her frustration level rose with every passing second. She had had a terrible few days. She was coughing up hail sized chunks of phlegm the same color of the christmas tree in Kids Korner. Her chest ached and rattled with every cough, and as for her throat... it wouldn’t have surprised her to learn that her lung butter was the same hue as the pine needles from the christmas tree in Kids Korner because she was coughing up the pine needles from the christmas tree in Kids Korner. Rose had told her to distract herself from how miserable she felt and snuck her a fist full of crayons. It was as if Rose had handed her a fist full of gold. Sure, Ella could get a hold of the basic eight staple colors, but in this handful was magenta, silver, blood orange, three different shades of green and two of blue. The excitement had given her just enough energy to sit up and color. She wondered how Rose had gotten her hands on this? Word in Kid’s Korner was Steve Mason, the 13-year-old with the trach tube, could get you anything you wanted within reason. For a price. He had a fairly successful black market going on for a bit before he got moved to a different floor. Ella had even got up the nerve to slip him a note once asking for a few markers and colored pencils. She was ecstatic when he had slipped her a reply back underneath the table...that was until she read his demands. A number 10 from Mcdonalds with a large coke. Money wasn’t the currency here. The currency was food. Specifically food from the outside. You wanted a favor? You paid for it in chicken nuggets and type 2 diabetes. Her heart had sunk. It was an impossible request. Black market trading she had learned, was for kids who had parents and visitors. Her visitors had dried up long ago when the awkwardness of sitting in silence had become too much to bear for them. Then they sent letters. But now, even those had stopped some months ago. Visitors, contraband, and chicken nuggets were the farthest thing from Ella’s mind. “Small steps.” and “Divide and conquer” was Rose’s advice to her. If she focused on conquering small goals, she wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed with her slow progress. Her small goal now was that damn sky blue crayon across the room. If no one was coming to help her and telekinetic powers (or lack of) didn’t help, she’d just have to get up and get it herself. She wasn’t allowed out of bed, but rules be damned. She had made it halfway there, but froze when Rose opened the door. Ella knew she was in trouble when Rose pulled out her green key chain of a flip-flop and shook it at her before chasing her back into bed. Rose had begun muttering under her breath in Spanish. Ella didn’t have to be bi-lingual to understand what she meant. “If I had a real sandal; i’d smack you with it.” ………………………………………………………………………………………………….. “I see you’ve made yourself at home.” Ella was brought back to the present to find Danielle leaning against the doorframe staring at her spread out nearly naked on the bed. She was miserable and modestly was the furthest priority at the moment. “Here” she heard before something landed next to her on the bed. “Mom told me to tell you to drink it.” Ella reached out her hand and groped blindly until it landed on something cold. Instead of drinking it, she drew it into a hug keeping it pressed against her chest. “You hot or something? It’s kind of cold in here.” Danielle remarked. Ella was flabbergasted. Cold? It had to be a 100 degrees in here at least. Ella nodded, pulling at an imaginary collar around her neck. She heard the window slide open. Although there was no breeze, she found the fresh air to be refreshing. “Oh man! Does it itch?” Danielle asked. Ella opened her eyes again and found Danielle hovering over her and examining her body as one would something gross, yet oddly fascinating. Ella nodded again before flipping on her stomach and burying her face in her pillow. She didn’t feel like trying to communicate. She just wanted to be left alone- that was until she felt fingernails begin to run up and down her back. She quickly decided she didn’t mind the company after all. In child black market standards, this kind of service would have cost her an M&m Mcflurry easily. She had almost managed to fall asleep when Heather's angry voice from the doorway made both of them jump. Her heart hammered and she could feel the pull-up between her legs growing wet. “What do you think you’re doing?!” What little peace and relaxation she had been able to obtain was gone in the blink of an eye. Danielle sat on the edge of Ella’s bed stammering. “Huh? Wha-” “Look at her back! It’s full of finger nail scratches!” “Sh-She said she was itchy! I- I was just trying to make her feel better!” “I’m supposed to keep her from scratching! I send you up with a bottle of water and find you’ve taken what looks like razor blades to her back. What do you think CPS is going to say if they see that?” “I-I didn’t know! I’m sorry!” “Don’t you ever think before you act?” Heather snapped. Ella curled up into a ball on the bed. Something that felt like hands was squeezing her lungs again. She wanted to get up and leave, but couldn’t move. She could hear Heather’s angry footfalls coming towards her. She felt a cool hand trace the bumps on her back. Any other time and place but now, she would have found the gesture soothing. Suddenly the hand went lower and made contact with the now sodden garment. She heard Heather's breath hitch. “You’re not supposed to use these any more.” While the voice had been gentler than the one used with Danielle, it still caused her to hide her face under her arms. “I was going to bring up the mop bucket. You can just kind of, I don’t know, keep it under your bed until you need it I guess. At least until we can figure out a better idea.” “A bucket? Really?” Danielle couldn’t stop herself from asking. “In my bedroom? It’s going to stink up my room!” “Then just empty it!” “Eww! No, that’s disgusting!’ “It is not just your bedroom anymore. When we decided to take Ella in we all agree-” “No, mom! I didn’t agree to anything! You decided to chop up my room and make me share it instead of converting the office into another bedroom. Now you’re expecting me to be okay with someone taking a dump in my room! This is my space!” “Where am I supposed to put it?” Heather said, throwing her hands up. “Oh, I don’t know. How about the office that should have been her room in the first place!” “I am not moving her into the office. End of discussion!” “Then just put the bucket in there!” “No, I work there.” “I sleep here!” Ella’s head was pounding.She couldn’t take their arguing anymore! She wanted to tell them they could just leave it in the backyard for all she cared. She grabbed the blanket off the top of the bed and began walking off with it while ignoring Heather’s questions about where she was going. Her nerves were completely shot. “You need to get cleaned up!” Heather yelled after her. “Don’t sit on anything, I’ll be right there.” Ella slammed the bedroom door closed behind her and went into the next closest room. She hadn’t explored the house yet and now seemed a good enough time as any. She didn’t care if Heather chased her with a sandal later, she just needed to be alone. The room she had entered must have been the office Heather and Danielle had been talking about. There was a desk on the far side of the room with a laptop. On the other side of the room was a couch facing a small flat screen tv mounted on the wall. She thought about snuggling up on the couch, but knew Heather would quickly find her. What she wanted more than anything was to be alone, so she made due with the best hiding place she could find. Under the desk. She used the blanket to make herself a little place to curl up, before crawling in and sealing the entrance to her “cave” with the computer chair to hide her. She thought she had been well hidden, but Heather had immediately spotted her the moment she walked in. “Ella, what are you doing? Come out of there.” Ella shook her head and scooted herself away as far as possible. Heather moved the chair out of the way and squatted down in front of her. She dropped the notebook and pencil in front of her before saying, “Talk to me.” Ella shook her head. She had nothing to say. “Ella! You’re dirty! You need to get cleaned up!” She shook her head again as she fought to see through her tear streaked eyes. Urine had come in contact with her raw skin and was burning her. She couldn’t deal with the pain, fever and stress of the fighting at the same time. She could feel herself short circuiting. “Ella, if you don’t come out in the next three seconds i’m going to pull you out myself!” Heather warned. “One. Two. Three.” Ella didn’t move a muscle, only continued to stare at her. “Fine!” Heather said. Ella felt an arm grab her, and so she did what she always did when she felt scared or cornered. She sank her teeth into the woman’s arm. “ELLA! NO!” Heather cried out in pain before quickly withdrawing her arm and eying the damage. “You do not do that!” “What? What’s wrong?” Danielle said coming into the room. “What happened?” “She bit me!” Heather said. Ella could hear the mix of surprise and pain in her voice. “Seriously? Where is she?” “Under the desk.” Heather swore. “I’m going to go wash this.” When Heather left, Danielle followed her out before quickly coming back in and shut the door. She knelt down a safe distance away and saw Ella bundled up in the corner. Ella was prepared to bite her as well if she tried to pull her out, but Danielle didn’t. Instead she slid a few things toward her and quickly withdrew her arms, before giving her a wink and standing back up. Her peace offering appeared to be her pillow, a trash bag, wet wipes and a clean pull up. Ella quickly pulled the loot into her den. With a bit of twisting this way and that, she managed to change, threw the used pulled up and wet wipe in the bag. The cool, wet cloth helped ease the burning and she felt grateful to Danielle. Even more so when she saw what she was about to do. Danielle unfolded a sheet and threw it over desk, leaving Ella in semi darkness in her new desk fort. “What is this?” Ella heard Heather ask. She could hear her approaching and stiffened. “Don’t! Just let her be. She’s sick. She probably just wants to be left alone.” “So why doesn’t she just sleep in her bed? Why is she hiding under the desk?” “Because you came in and started yelling! That’s why. Remember when we got Ribbit and he wouldn’t come out of the closet for a week?” “Ribbit is an animal! Ella is-” “Sick and probably freaking the hell out..Just let her come out on her own when she’s ready.” “But she’s wet and-” Ella heard the crinkling bag shake. “Let her be.” Danielle said walking out of the room. Heather gave a defeated sigh and followed her out. Ella felt herself finally relax in the semi-darkness. It was cramped, warm, and absolutely perfect. She drew her knees into her chest and curled back into her blanket nest. She was about to drift off to sleep when a new visitor decided to peek its head under the sheet and investigate. Ella was delighted when the tortie shelled cat rubbed up against her outstretched hand and began to loudly purr. After deciding that the stranger was friend rather than foe, the cat entered the fort and plopped down in the nest of blankets. Ella smiled as she laid down next to her new friend and stroked its fur. You must be Ribbet, she thought before finally drifting off to sleep.

Wow thanks! I'm a sucker for the adoption trope, so thought I'd take a crack at it.

Sitting in nothing but a paper gown was bad. Listening to Heather and Danielle fight was worse. All illusions of what a mother daughter bond should look like quickly dissolved before Ella’s eyes .The tension in the air was so thick she could feel it wrap around her lungs and begin to squeeze. “Why can’t I see the doctor by myself?” Danielle demanded. She stood in the corner, arms crossed and still fully clothed. When the medical assistant had led them in and handed them each a gown, Ella had wasted no time stripping down. Danielle had merely scoffed at the idea. “Because I said so!” Heather hissed. The reasons seemed to change every time Danielle asked the question. At first, the answer had been because she was too young, then it had switched to the doctor being male. “He’ll be here any minute. Get changed!” An exacerbated Heather growled. “I’m not changing in front of you guys!” Danielle protested. “Nobody cares what you look like in your underwear! Why are you pretending to be shy? I caught you streaking down the hall last week!” “Mom!” Danielle whined, drawing out every syllable. “I don’t want to change in front of her! I’m on my...you know.” “So what! You’ve seen her in a diaper! I doubt she cares if you're in a pad!” “But it leaked…” Danielle mumbled. Heather groaned and swore under her breath. “Just get changed!’” Ella looked from Heather to Danielle as they glared at each other, each silently fighting a battle of wills. Danielle was the one to finally cave. She grabbed the gown off the table and spun around while mumbling under her breath. Ella was at first relieved in a way when she had seen the bulge in Danielle’s underwear. At least she wasn’t the only one who needed some kind of diaper. Perhaps her situation wasn’t that weird. Speaking of weird though, she eyed Danielle’s underwear for a second before she inwardly gasped and looked away. She could feel the color draining from her face. What she had thought was a tie dye design was none other than splotches of blood. Ella groped blindly in the air until she felt Heather’s arm. She anchored herself to the woman, ignoring Heather’s worried concerns and waited until the room righted itself again. Her stomach began involuntarily doing somersaults. She stared at her bare feet as she felt a hand press against her forehead. “Poor thing,” Heather said. “You’re running a fever.” Why was she worried about her? Couldn’t she see her daughter was bleeding? Her mind flashed back to the time she had pneumonia. She had been coughing up blood then and it had caused a panic. Was it like that? Was she hurt? What kind of disease did she have? Was she terminal like Ella had been once labeled? She looked up at Heather with a face full of concern and panic. “I know, being sick is no fun, huh?” Heather said. Ella shook her head and pointed at Danielle. “What’s wrong?” Ella silently mouthed. “I ask myself that everyday.” Heather grumbled. “ Don’t worry about her, she’s just being ornery because she knows she’s getting a shot.” Ella shook her head and pointed more frantically. Heather hadn’t seen! She didn’t know Danielle was sick! “What’s wrong? I don’t understand.” “Did little Timmy fall down the well?” Danielle threw in sarcastically. “Danielle!” Heather hissed before turning back to Ella who was now pulling the notepad out of her shorts pocket that were on the floor. She’s bleeding! Heather looked at the note perplexed until realization dawned on her. “Don’t worry about that.” Is she sick? Heather smiled a little and shook her head. “No, she’s not sick.” Ella looked at her puzzled. “What? What’s wrong?” Danielle asked. She got up and looked at the notepad before burying her face in her hands. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to get changed! This ones on you! I’m not telling her!” Tell me what? Ella thought. “There’s nothing wrong with Danielle. I promise. How about we worry about you. You’re covered in chicken pox!” Heather said as she attempted to change the subject. Ella wasn’t taking the bait. Why is she bleeding? “I’ve had her for one day. One day and I already have to have this conversation.” Heather moaned. “If you just would have listened to me and-” Danielle started but was cut off with a glare. “What’s happening to Danielle is perfectly normal. She’s not hurt or sick, she’s just growing up is all.” Heather explained. Ella cocked her head to the side confused. “I’m fine, I’m just on my period.” Danielle said. What’s a per Ella had begun to write, but jumped when the door had suddenly swung open. “Miss Danielle!” An elderly man said walking in and giving her a handshake. “Hop up on the table and have a seat!” Ella noticed the color of Danielle’s face drain as she did what she was told. “Wish she’d listen to me like that.” Heather said. Danielle rolled her eyes. “Uh-oh! Has someone been giving their mom trouble?” Dr. Lawson asked. “When is she not?” Heather said. “Stop it.” Danielle grumbled. He smiled as he glanced through a small white folder. “Looks like someone’s headed into their teenage years So let's see here. You are here for a physical, yes?” Danielle nodded as she hugged the paper gown to her chest. Convinced that Danielle was ok afterall, Ella picked up the notebook she had dropped and began using the spiral edges to get at the hard to reach itch on her back. “Don’t scratch.” Heather whispered to her before taking the notebook away. Ella frowned as she tried not to focus on the crawling sensation in her skin. She examined her arms. How had she not noticed all the red bumps that now coated every inch of her skin? An audible moan coming from the table made Ella lookup. The doctor was filling out a form and Danielle looked none too pleased about it. “Blood work.” Heather whispered as he tore off the form and handed it to her. “We’ll go get this done as soon as we get out of here.” “No.” Danielle whimpered. “Please no.” “The sooner you get it out of the way the sooner you’ll feel better,” Dr. Lawson said, He put down the thin chart and picked up a much larger collection of paperwork. “Now who is this little lady?” He wheeled around on his stool and slid in front of Ella. She blushed and slid down further into her seat. “This,” Heather said placing her hands on the cowering girl's shoulders, “is our foster daughter Isabella, our newest edition to the family. We just picked her up yesterday.” “Congratulations, how long will she be staying with you?” “Well, depending on if things go in the next couple of weeks, hopefully permanently.” Ella frowned at this. What did Heather mean by If things went well? Was she or wasn’t she part of the family? “Ah, I see.” He said. “Well it’s very nice to meet you, Isabella.” Ella reluctantly took his extended hand and shook it. “Well according to all this paperwork you’ve had quite the childhood so far, poor thing.” Ella merely shrugged. “The good news is, according to your latest labs, your blood count looks normal. Very good. Very good. What’s not so good,” He said, before stretching out her arm. “Is this.” “Twenty four hours with us and she’s already picked up some disease.” Heather said, sounding depressed. “Not to worry, she probably picked it up at the hospital. Just bad timing really. Unfortunately, nothing I can really do for her. It’s one of those things where it’s just going to have to run its course. I can prescribe an ointment for the itching though.” He explained while examining her arms. “There was something else I wanted your advice on.” Heather said. “ A few things really.” “Go on.” “I haven’t been successful in getting her to use, or even go in, a restroom. Not even the one at home. I really don’t know what to do.” Heather said. “Yes, I read about that in her chart. Some kind of toilet proximity anxiety disorder.” “She drew this this morning when I asked her about what she was so afraid of.” Heather said, pulling the picture out of her purse. “What do you think it means?” He studied the picture a long while before responding. “I think I agree with her original psychiatric assessment. Isabella most likely endured some kind of emotional or physical trauma that’s being repressed and is manifesting in the form of an irrational fear of restrooms. My suggestion would be finding a good psychiatrist and family therapist.” Heather bit her lip. “You don’t think she was abused in that way, do you?” “Unfortunately, it is possible. I could give her a thorough examination if you’d like. Check for any signs of sexual abuse. I imagine they would have done that in the hospital, but I’m not seeing any notes or findings in the information they faxed over.” “If you wouldn’t mind. I’d feel much better knowing just what we’re dealing with, but God, I really pray she wasn’t.” Ella watched a bit apprehensive as Dr. Lawson opened the door and yelled, “female exam!” down the hall. She liked the situation even less when he donned latex gloves. It was never a good sign when someone put on latex gloves. “Danielle, you would mind trading places with Isabella please. Thank you.” Ella stood, feeling awkward as she watched Dr. Lawson lower the table. “Go ahead and lie down on your back. Paige will be coming in just a moment, ah, here she is.” The nurse practitioner from earlier stuck her head in. “Please come in, I need to examine Miss Marsh here.” Once she heard the door close he continued. “Isabella, would you be okay if I took a quick look? I promise I will be very gentle and very fast.” She looked at him uneasily. In her experience, whenever someone said they’d be gentle, they were usually far from it. She looked at Heather, looking for some kind of sign as to what she should do. “It’s okay, Ella, go on. He just wants to make sure you’re not hurt anywhere.” Ella grimaced, but nodded her consent before lying on her back. “Now i’m just going to push your gown up a bit, there we go.” She heard a sudden ripping noise as her soggy pull-up was taken off and thrown in the trash. She grimaced as the cold air chilled her bottom half. “Is she having trouble controlling her bladder and bowels, mom?” He asked as he took some wipes from a drawer and began cleaning her. “I’m not sure to be honest. The hospital sent her home in diapers and she’s been using them so far, well reluctantly.” Heather answered. “I think it’s because she’s afraid.” “I wouldn’t suggest it.” The doctor said, throwing the wipes away. “I think it will do her more harm than good. She might regress, or become dependent on them. Our end goal is to get her used to the idea of the restroom. We want to show her, no matter what may have happened in her past, she is safe. What we don’t want is to encourage her to go whenever, and wherever she is.” “So then what do I do if she won’t use the restroom? We can’t have her having accidents all over the house.” “Well, there’s a good chance there will be accidents. Bed wetting is quite common in children following a big life change. So if you wanted to keep her in pull ups overnight, that would be understandable, but for the day, it would be better to use some kind of container. A bucket even would be better than a diaper. As long as she is associating a specific item and place she can...eliminate. I think the key here is safety. Maybe once she feels safe and in a routine, you can begin moving closer and closer until eventually you have her inside the bathroom. Then ultimately she won’t need it. It’s like someone who avoids public restrooms because of germs; it all comes down to their personal safety. Even I have avoided quite a few unsanitary gas station restrooms in my time. Eliminating waste, across all species, drastically requires letting your guard down and for some unknown reason, Isabella here does not associate restrooms as a safe place where she can let her guard down.” “That’s an understatement.” Heather said. “She bit me when I tried to take her this afternoon.” Danielle let out a snicker. “Just give her time to adjust to her new surroundings.” Dr. Lawson said before turning his attention back to Ella. “Now, Isabella, I’m going to press around your stomach. You let me know if anything hurts.” She closed her eyes as he pressed around her upper belly and sides. “Good, you’re doing good so far, oh- Does this hurt?” Ella nodded, wincing as he pressed again below her belly button. “What? What is it?” Heather asked as he continued, more gently to feel around. “Do you know when your last bowel movement was?” Ella blushed and stared at the ceiling. “Umm, yesterday, on the way home.” Heather said, looking to Danielle for confirmation. “Did she soil herself?” “No, uh, we were stuck in traffic. Danielle took her to some bushes on the side of the road.” “So you do know when you need to go one and two?” Ella nodded. “So how did you handle taking care of business in the hospital? Were you in diapers?” She shook her head. “Did you use the toilet? No? How about a bedpan?” She turned her hand side to side. “Sometimes?” She nodded, before making a circle with her arms and holding on to imaginary handles. He looked puzzled for a moment before realization dawned on him. “Good good, it’s what I thought. And you had no trouble with this, correct? No fear?” Ella shook her head again. “So do you think you could use that at home if you had the option over diapers?” This time Ella nodded her head eagerly. “What if it was in the bathroom? Is it the toilet you're scared of?” She shook her head. “So you wouldn’t use it if it was in the bathroom?” She shook her head again. “Isabella, when was the last time you spoke? More than one word. When was the last time you had a verbal conversation?” She thought about it before lifting up a finger on one and two in the other. “One to two years ago?” She nodded. “Why is that?” She shrugged. “If I gave you something to write with would you explain? Are you just feeling shy?” Ella motioned in the air like she was writing and Heather gave her back her notepad and pencil. Words won’t come out. Even when I want them to. “So you do want to communicate? It’s not that you won’t talk, it's that you can’t?” Ella nodded. “But I’ve heard her talk.” Danielle said. “I’ve heard her say ‘no” and, ‘hey’” “Well, let’s focus on one thing at a time here. Isabella, I’m going to take a quick peek at your privates. I promise I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to make sure you aren't hurt anywhere, ok?” Ella nodded. She counted the ceiling tiles as she felt herself being spread open, and then it was over. “I didn’t see any sign of external injuries or scaring, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t abused, unfortunately.” He said to Heather. “90% of sexually abused kids won’t show any external signs.” “That’s very high.” Heather said. “Alright, I just need to check one more place. Can you turn on your side and get into the fetal position? Yeah, just like that. I’m going to do the same thing with your back side, just a quick peek and… done. Good job, Isabella. The hard parts are over.” She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him pulling off the gloves. “Now then, let’s talk about the first issue. Your belly. When you last went number two, was it normal?” “N-oo-oo!” Danielle answered for her. “Explosive. It was nasty! Nothing’s going to grow there now!” “Shush.” Heather said. “No, this is good to know. When was the last time before that?” Ella shrugged. She didn’t keep track. “You don’t remember? Ok, so I felt quite a bit of stool in your colon and I think that’s what’s giving you belly pain and giving you the runs. Do you need to go number two?” Ella shook her head. Please don’t make me go back in there, she thought. “If we brought in the commode you used in the hospital, do you think you could go if you tried? We have one.” She shrugged. “Would you be willing to try?” She grimaced a little. “Better you go here than at home where we don’t have one.” Heather pointed out. She had a point, Ella decided, before nodding her agreement. “According to her chart they did give her a laxative in the hospital a couple days ago, but it sounds like nothing happened. They made a note that they suspect she’s been purposefully holding it. Sounds like she might have enupresis. I’d like to prescribe some laxatives, but not if she’s just going to hold it in. She might start having fecal leakage if she doesn’t clear the blockage.” Heather wrinkled her nose. “I hope she goes while we’re here. I’ll have Charlie swing by the pharmacy and get a portable toilet, but that won’t be until later tonight.” “Well, if she doesn’t go on her own, I can have Paige administer a you-know-what.” He said before mouthing the word to her. “It’s pretty compressed.” Heather grimaced as Ella looked from Heather to Dr. Lawson. “Here you go, hun.” Paige said wheeling in the all too familiar commode. “Hop on up.” Ella was about to obey until she realized a problem. Four problems in fact. She shook her head taking a few steps back. She motioned her hand around the room. Sure she was willing to try, but was the audience really necessary? She could probably go in front one, but four people? Even she had boundaries. “How about you and Danielle go work on that blood work downstairs? Leave Isabella here with us, hopefully we’ll be all situated by the time you come back.” “I guess that would work. Are you okay with us leaving for a bit, Ella?” Ella nodded her head and gave the thumbs up, just to make sure she got the point across. “Well, alright. And if you feel she needs it, go ahead and give it to her. Better to get it over with I guess.” “We’ll give you some privacy.” The doctor said, leading Danielle and Heather out. Give me one what? Ella thought as the door shut leaving her alone with Paige, “This doesn’t scare you, right?” Ella shook her head, shifting from one foot to the other. Now that it was in front of her and most of the crowd had dispersed, she realized just how badly she had to pee. “You were pretty freaked out back there earlier, so how about you show me you can sit on it before I go work on paperwork for a few minutes. You look like you gotta go.” Ella shrugged as she opened the lid, revealing the few inches of water Paige had already put inside. She bunched up the paper gown toward her stomach and sat down on the plastic seat. Ella inwardly cringed as urine trickled down almost immediately. She had meant to just sit, only going once Paige had left, but it seemed muscle memory had won out in the end. “Good job, that was a lot easier than earlier. I didn’t even need to turn on the faucet. You must have really had to go.” Heather had been practically forcing water down her throat. “I’m going to step out for a bit and give you some privacy. The doctor wants you to try and go number two. I’ll be back in ten minutes to check on you.” They sure were making a big deal about this Ella thought. As long as they didn’t make her go in there though she was happy. And she tried. She really did. She didn’t want to be desperate to do that at Heather’s. She didn’t want to have that kind of accident, and she had promised. Something Heather had said flashed back in her mind. If all goes well. What had she meant by that? She would be a permanent member of the family if all goes well. What if she had that kind of accident after she had promised not to? Then that would mean things had not gone well. Would Heather drop her back off at the hospital for doing that? Ella redoubled her efforts, but still, she couldn’t go. She couldn’t do as Heather wanted. Then came the knock and Paige came back. “Hey there, any luck?” Ella shook her head and stared at the floor. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter?” Paige said, squatting down next to her. “Are you not feeling well?” Ella sniffled and wiped at her face. She had gotten herself so worked up she had started to cry. “Here.” Paige said, handing her the notebook and pen. “Tell me what’s wrong.” I don’t want to go back to the hospital! “You’re not going to go back for this. We’re going to give you some medicine to make your tummy feel better.” They were going to give her laxatives. Those wouldn’t work for several hours. She would be back at Heather’s by then and then… If All Goes Well… She’d have to go number two and… she couldn’t go in the restroom. ..If All Goes Well… She wouldn’t be able to hold it. She’d have that kind of accident. She’d break her promise. If All Goes Well... Ella burst into uncontrollable sobs. “I know the medicine’s not going to be very fun, but it’ll be worth it. I promise.” Paige said. She tried to rub Ella’s back, but the girl shook her head and continued to write. It’s going to make me have an accident after I promised I wouldn’t! Heather is going to take me back to the hospital and leave me! I don’t want to go back! “Ella, no! Why do you think that? She isn’t going to change her mind and take you back. Especially not over an accident.” She said I would be a part of her family only if things went well. I tried to use their bathroom! I’ve tried to use all the bathrooms! I can’t! I can’t do it! I can’t breathe! “I don’t know why you feel like that, but that’s why we’re here. We’re here to help you figure it out and move past it.” She placed a hand on Ella’s scalp and gently rubbed her head. “It’s gonna be okay. Moving in with a new family must be scary, huh?” Ella sniffled and nodded her head. “I can promise you one thing. The medicine I’m going to give you won’t make you have an accident at home. It’s gonna make you go here and now. It’s gonna make your stomach feel a lot better too. You wanna give it a try?” Ella nodded as Paige patted the table. “Hop up. Lay on your side and bring your knees to your chest like you did before. That’s it, just like that.” Ella silently groaned as she heard the sound of latex gloves being put on. Just what had she agreed too? She glanced behind her and saw what looked like a bag of water connected to a hose. Ugh, an IV Ella thought, before she felt Paige lift up the back of her gown and exposed backside. All Ella had time to think was, this doesn’t seem right, before the nozzle was inserted into her rectum. She let out an audible moan as she felt the liquid begin enter. I’d rather have the IV, she thought as she grabbed her stomach. The cramping had begun. Paige had been serious when she said it was going to make her go here and now. She wanted to go! She needed to go! Badly! She let out another moan. “Almost done, you’re doing good, just a little bit more.” Ella didn’t think she could take it anymore. Sweat poured out of her, making the paper gown stick to her skin. Her stomach violently cramped and churned. She’d probably be even to use the toilet if they set her on it. “Good job, it’s all done!’ She whimpered as she felt the nozzle being pulled free. “You can go sit on the bucket now and let it out.” Ella moaned. She couldn’t move! If she moved even a fraction of an inch it would come out. Every muscle was tensed and trained to hold the fluid at bay. “Think you can make it?” Paige asked. “Ella gave a tiny shake of her head. She wasn’t going to make it even two steps! She barely registered the sound of something being slid across the floor and before she could even process what had happened. she was lifted up and sat on the bucket just as her body said no more! ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door followed by Danielle, Heather, and Dr Lawson. Ella was passed out on the table, now fully dressed. The bucket was now nowhere in sight. “Did it work? Did she go?” Heather whispered. “Ohhh yeah.” Paige said eyes opened wide like one who had witnessed a terrible battle . “She must have been backed up for weeks. She’s gonna be a bit raw down there for a bit. Fell right to sleep after.” “Thank you.” Heather said. “There’s something I want to show you though.” Paige said, handing Heather the messages Ella had written. “Ella, no.” Heather said gently caressing the young girl's face. Ella opened her eyes and found Heather standing over her. “Ella, I’m not taking you back to the hospital.” she whispered, rubbing the girls back as she helped her sit up. “No matter how many accidents you might have. It’s okay. You’re part of this family now whether you like it or not. You’ve been a part of this family since the first time I met you six months ago. When I said “if all goes well” I meant with Child Services, not with you. Yes, there’s still a few hoops we have to jump through to make it official, but that’s nothing for you to worry about.” She leaned down and pressed her forehead against Ella’s before softly kissing the top of her head. “You're my daughter now and I love you.” Ella sniffled as the tears ran down her face. “C’mere.” Heather said as she wrapped her arms around Ella and picked her up. Ella threw her arms around Heather and rested her chin on the woman’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happened in your past, Ella Marsh, but we’re going to get through this together.” How long had it been since she had been held like this? She was the happiest she had ever felt. She was about to close her eye.s and drift back to sleep when something snapped her out of her moment of bliss. It was there and then gone in a flash. Maybe she had imagined it, but deep down she knew she hadn’t. Across the room was Danielle, and in her eyes, even if just for a brief moment was a look of hate

“But why do I need to go to the doctor too?” Danielle grumbled as they rode in the car. “I’m not sick.” “I know you’re not, but you need a physical to play soccer, and since I need to bring Ella in I figured it would be easiest if I brought you along too.” Heather said. Danielle grumbled something else from the front passenger seat Ella couldn’t quite make out before moodily staring out the window. Ella inwardly groaned and scratched at her neck. She knew it had something to do with the picture she had drawn. She had only meant to show them she felt paralyzed while standing in the doorway. Drawing all the other stuff just felt right at the time, but now she was regretting it. They pulled into a parking lot across the street from a park. Ella had to crane her neck a bit to see out the window. Since the booster seat had come with the rental, it had been returned with the car. She didn’t want to admit it, but she kind of missed sitting higher up. Now she struggled to keep the seat belt away from her neck which was irritated and itchy. Once she had freed herself from the restraints, she gave the side and back of her neck a few good scratches before she took a look at where they were heading. This area looked a little shabbier than where they had come from. The parking spots all had faded lines. Ella could hardly tell where one spot ended and another began, but Heather had seemed to have figured it out. As they walked, Ella had to avoid stepping in crater sized pot holes and nearly tripped over a chunk of asphalt. She checked her pockets to make sure the miniature notepad Heather had given her to communicate with was still safely tucked away along with a pencil. Ella frowned when she saw the building they were walking towards. It was large, reddish brown, and designed to look like wooden planks. The color reminded her of dried blood. It felt ominous. “Mom, I’m not getting a shot, right?” Danielle asked. “That’s up to the doctor.” Heather said, before turning to face Ella. “She’s afraid of needles.” Danielle shuddered. “Last time it took three people to give her one little shot.” Danielle scoffed. “There was nothing little about it.” “One itty, bitty, teenie, weenie shot.” “That was a huge fricken needle!” Danielle protested. “She cried the entire time.” “Mom! Seriously! It was huge and painful. That lady just jabbed it into my arm!” “She wouldn’t have had to jab it into your arm if you hadn’t been struggling to run away.” “I was like seven or eight.” “She was ten.” Heather whispered to Ella who grinned. While not a fan of them herself, Ella had grown accustomed to them over the years. Shots were nothing to blood draws, and blood draws were nothing to ivs. Nowadays, she hardly even flinched. She would be glad to swap fears with Danielle. Ella was surprised to find that the inside of the building was quite a bit nicer than the outside. From the street, Heather opened a door that led into a courtyard. Lots of plants and flowers grew on either side of a man made waterfall and into a pond that trickled underneath a red bridge. A few ducks swam by underneath them while they were crossing over. Ella would have found the area relaxing if it wasn’t making her have to pee. Heather had told her that morning she wouldn’t force the issue when they were in public, but in exchange, she’d have to make an effort at home. Rose would have been proud of her for trying on her own, but Heather wanted more from her than peeing herself in front of the doorway apparently. Ella had felt discouraged. She thought she was trying her best, but after needing another change before they left that afternoon, Heather seemed frustrated. While it was tempting to just go in the pull up, she didn’t want to put her in a bad mood, even if Heather had said she could. The idea of being introduced to a new doctor in a wet diaper didn’t thrill her either. Once inside, Heather ushered her and Danielle to a couple of seats before making her way over to the receptionist desk. “Hi, can I help you?” a voice asked that Ella couldn’t see. “I’m here to check in my daughters. Danielle Graceland and Ella Marsh.” Ella’s heart thumped. Heather had called her her daughter! She couldn’t help but smile a little. “What are you so happy about?” Danielle asked. Ella shrugged and tried to catch more of the adults conversation. Heather appeared to be writing a check and talking in a low whisper to the lady behind the counter. She strained to listen, but frowned when she made out the words, “difficult to handle” and “in over my head.” “So, are you like, afraid of getting sucked down the drain or something?” Danielle asked. Ella gave her a puzzled look. How old did she think she was? Five? She shook her head. “Then what’s the deal with that picture?” Ella shrugged again. “So are you really scared of the bathroom?” Ella nodded. “Why? That’s weird.” Ella sighed and pulled out the notepad. “Wish I knew.” She wrote back. Danielle bunched her eyebrows up in confusion. “You don’t know why you’re scared? Didn’t you draw some kind of she demon in our bathroom?” Ella shrugged again before writing her response. “ It just does.” “What if you closed your eyes?” “Makes it worse.” “Why?” Ella ignored her. She didn’t want to talk about it. Instead of answering anymore of Danielle’s questions, she busied herself as she tried to scratch her backside by rocking back and forth in the chair. What she really wanted to do was stick her hand down the pull up and scratch, but she’d have to make due with this. “Ella, are you okay?” Heather called out from the front desk. Ella gave her a thumbs up and tried to sit still. “I don’t know what to do. Even if I took her back...” Heather said turning back to her conversation. Ella pretended to be interested in the magazines on the table next to her. “Hold off on that, the doctor will want samples from both of them anyway.” the receptionist said. “I can’t promise you I can get either of them to cooperate. Danielle’s about as scared of needles as Ella is of a toilet.” Ella wanted to protest. She was not afraid of toilets! “Let me talk to the nurse practitioner, she might have an idea.” The receptionist got up and left so Heather came back and joined them in the seats. They sat in silence for a few minutes before a door to the back opened. A woman in medical scrubs in her mid thirties appeared and propped the door open with a stopper. In her hand was a small, white, specimen cup. “Oh, Danielle, I have something for you.” Danielle got up and took the cup from her. “I assume you know what we want from you.” “Yeah.” Danielle mumbled. “First door on your left. Put it on the counter when you’re done. We’ll let you know if you’re pregnant or not.” Danielle snorted and disappeared down the hall. “You are so grounded if you are!” Heather yelled after her. “Hi, you must be Ella!” the nurse said. Ella nodded but sunk down into the chair. “Don’t worry, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t bite.” Ella gave her a weak smile. “My name is, Paige, i’m the nurse practitioner here for Dr. Lawson. It’s nice to meet you, Ella.” Ella nodded her head again, unsure what they wanted her to do. She looked nervously between the two women who seemed to be whispering to each other. “How would you like to play a game while we wait for Danielle?” Ella shrugged before Paige brought out a large strip of gauze from her pocket. “Would you mind moving those chairs back? Yeah against the others is fine. Perfect.” she said once Heather had opened up a large space in the waiting room. “The object of the game is to not get caught by the one who’s blindfolded. One person will keep the blindfolded person from walking into anything, and the other will try to escape. Does that sound fun?” Ella nodded. She had never heard of doing anything like this in a doctors office. “How about we have Heather be ‘IT’ first. I’ll guide her by the arm, and you try to escape. I’ll set my timer for three minutes, and if you can avoid getting tagged, you win.” Ella watched curiously as Paige blindfolded Heather with the gauze. “Ready or not here I come!” Heather said, stretching her arms out like a zombie as Paige led her towards Ella. “You better move or she’ll get you and you’ll be it!” Paige said. Ella quickly scooted back away from the two as Heather blindly groped the air. “I’m close, I know I am!” Heather said as she reached in the completely opposite direction. Ella smiled and side stepped away again before bounding to the other side of the room. “Uh, what are you doing?” Danielle asked standing in the doorway of the waiting room. “We’re playing tag.” Heather said walking to the sound of her voice. “And you’re IT now.” she reached out and tapped Danielle’s arm before peeling off the blindfold. Ella silently laughed as Paige tied the blindfold onto a very confused looking Danielle. “Seriously?” Danielle asked giggling. “For real?” “Come get us. You’ve got three minutes.” Heather said as Paige took Danielle’s arm. Ella smirked and danced around the room weaving in and out of Danielle’s reach. She didn’t think she had ever had so much fun in a doctors office before. Soon she and Heather had managed to trap themselves in a corner with Danielle inching her way closer to them. “Age before beauty.” Heather said before lightly pushing Ella into Danielle. “Hey!” Ella said as she gently collided with her sister. She was surprised the words had come out. “I told you she could talk!” Danielle said. She ripped the blindfold off her face. Ella looked sheepishly at Heather, but Heather merely smiled. “She’ll talk when she’s ready to.” Heather said. “All right, Ella, you’re turn to be blindfolded.” Paige said. Ella grinned wide as Paige tied the cloth over her eyes. She attempted to make a beeline to where Danielle and Heather had been standing, but Paige had begun to spin her around and around until she didn’t know what direction was which. She giggled as she staggered forward, now out of breath, with Paige leading her by the arm. She reached out waving her arms left and right. Ella stopped laughing as Paige continued to guide her straight. She didn’t think the waiting room was this long. “Oh no, they moved left!” Page said. Ella eagerly turned left, grasping at the empty air as Paige led her on. Suddenly they stopped. Ella was about to reach for the blindfold, but Paige began to spin her again. She giggled as she gasped for air, her side hurt from laughing so much. She wobbled a little once she stopped spinning, now tired and disoriented. And then it happened so suddenly Ella’s brain didn’t have time to process it. She felt her pants and pull up unceremoniously yanked down to her knees before Paige had lowered her onto something cold, and hard. Alarm bells began to ring inside Ella’s head. She had been blindfolded and led into the bathroom! The familiar feeling of panic began to rise in her chest. She tried to bolt, but Paige was holding her down by the shoulders. She was crying now and fighting against her, but she was no match for Paige’s grip. “Shh, shh, Ella, it’s okay. We just need a urine sample and then I’ll let you up. It’s okay. I’ve got you, nothing’s going to hurt you. ” Ella was bawling now, fighting with all her might. She couldn’t breathe! Something was reaching for her in the dark! She ripped the blindfold off and met Paige’s eyes. How could she do this to her? “Aren’t you tired from all that running around?” Paige whispered. Ella was tired although she continued to fight, but with every second that passed she felt weaker and weaker. Despite the adrenaline, she knew she couldn’t win. Ella slumped against Paige’s hands and cried. “Let me up!” Ella pleaded. “I’m sorry, Ella, but I can’t let you up yet, but good job on using your words. Heather says you don’t talk much.” “You’ve gotten farther than I have.” Heather said coming from the hallway. “Any luck?” “No, she’s too uptight. Something in here definitely has her freaked out. Would you mind turning on the faucet? Maybe that will help. I think she’ll bolt if I let go.” Ella whimpered at the sound of the rushing water and shut her eyes tight. “The hardest parts already over, honey. You’re already in here, and the more you struggle the longer you’ll be stuck here. This is the easy part, all you have to do is pee. You’ve done it thousands of times. You just need to calm down a little and relax. Try and match my breathing, okay? Take a deep breath in through your mouth...and exhale. That’s it. A few more times. Take a deep breath. Good job. Now picture you’re on an island. You’ve just woken up from a nap. You’re so groggy and the warm sand is so comfy. You sit up and listen to the waves…” Ella tried to picture herself on the beach as Paige whispered in her ear. She was shaking less and less. Her breathing was evening out. She pictured the waves crashing on the shore as Page continued to whisper. “You’re so comfy, but then you realise as you sit and listen to the waves you have to pee. You have to pee more and more with every passing second and with every wave that hits the shore.” Ella found herself unconsciously jiggling her legs as she listened. “You begin to feel desperate, but you don’t want to get up. You look left and then right. You’re all alone. And then you realize... you don’t have to get up. You’re in a bathing suit, and no one’s around. You can just rinse off in the water later when you’re not so tired. Your eyes are so heavy and your bladders so full. The temptation builds with every crashing wave until it all becomes too much to bare. You spread your legs out in the sand and give in…” Ella looked down at the sudden realization of what was happening. Her legs, that were cinched tight in a ball a moment ago, had relaxed and opened in time with the story. Imaginary Ella, who sat on the beach peeing into the sand, had become real life Ella, sitting on a toilet peeing into a plastic tray tucked underneath the seat. She sighed in relief as the weight inside her drained away. She hadn’t realized she had had to go so bad. Once she had finished, she tapped Paige on the arm. She wanted to get the hell out of here. Paige was skeptical at first, but once she saw the full tray between Ella’s legs, she let her go. Ella tried to make a break for it, but tripped over her pants still around her knees. Heather had caught her mid fall before she hit the floor. She jumped back up and streaked out the bathroom and into the hallway uncaring who saw her. “You did good, kid.” Paige said dumping the trays contents into a specimen jar. “Now I’m just going to test this an-” She stopped mid sentence as Ella began to take the opportunity to scratch at the part of her butt that had been driving her crazy. Ella suddenly felt a hand pull up the bottom of her shirt. “Uh-oh, mom.” “What?” said Heather taking a look. “Oh no, are you serious?” “Afraid so. She’s covered in them.” Once Ella had managed to hoist her pants back up, she took a look at her skin in the better lighting. Little, red, raised bumps covered her arms. “Poor things got the chickenpox.” “But don’t they vaccinate for that now?” “Not if she was undergoing chemo. We need to go over her records. She might need the MMR as well.” Ella shrugged. “Well speaking of chickens.” Heather said looking at the door of the room Danielle was waiting in. “You’re not the only one facing your fears today.” Paige said giving Ella’s shoulder a gentle pat. “Someone needs some blood work and a tetanus shot.”

While Ella had quickly fallen asleep the night before, she had not stayed asleep for long. Recurring nightmares still plagued her dreams, leaving her with a looming sense of dread. She could never quite recall the images her mind whipped up in the night, but they were enough to make her uneasy. It always started the same. Her mother’s voice calling her from the bathroom, and the never ending walk down the hallway that seemed to stretch on forever. Usually after that, nothing. This time was different though. Ella hugged her knees to her chest as she recalled the voice still ringing in the back of her mind. “Let mommy make it all better.” It was soft, gentle, and a little unnerving. Ella had awoken to a chill creep down her back she was sure had nothing to do with the weather. Now she sat up, with her back against the headboard, watching the sun begin to slowly trickle in as she listened to the caws of the crows perched in the trees. She found their calls calming. It was a reminder of her freedom. She had forgotten what it was like to listen to the early morning birds, or perhaps she had never taken the time to appreciate it before now. Her usual morning greeting had consisted of only the incessant beeping of the clothespin like device that had fallen off her finger at some point in the night. Ella looked down at her arms in realization. There was nothing tethering her to this bed. No cords, no iv’s, no blood pressure cuffs. She could get out of this bed if she wanted to and explore. She took in her surroundings. While Ella had the bed underneath the window, Danielle’s was pushed up against the opposite wall, with its owner still fast asleep. A small bookcase and two nightstands separated their beds. A cell phone sat charging a top piles of papers and empty cups on Danielle’s nightstand while Ella’s was bare. She pulled open each of the drawers to find them all empty. A few shopping bags full of clothes and a torn package of diapers leaned against her bed, along with a trash can. A thought occurred to her. She reached up to the waistline of the diaper and pulled it down, before pulling it back up. Her bladder had been nagging at her, ruining her good mood despite waking up from another nightmare. She had two options. She could get up and try and use the bathroom on her own, or wait for Heather to tell her what to do. Ella was so used to having to wait for one of the nurses to tell her where she would pee depending on what medications they had given her. All Ella had to do was tell them she had to go. Sometimes they’d bring a bed pan, while other times they’d disconnect her from the monitors and help her onto the chair. Sometimes she’d even use the bathroom, but that was rare and usually involved a fight. “You know most kids only put up this much of a fight when they’re about to get a shot.” Rose had once said while she nursed a scratch to the face. “You’d think we were asking you to march to your death rather than sit on the toilet for a few minutes.” It wasn’t the toilet. It had never been about the toilet. Ella knew if she wanted a fresh start she’d have to get over it; whatever “it” was. Maybe it would be easier without the added pressure of another person. With her mind made up she slowly and quietly got out of bed and tiptoed across the room. Wearing just a t shirt and diaper she snuck down the hall, pausing only once she reached her destination. Her heart fluttered as she looked into the dark room lit only by a nightlight. She could see the outline of the toilet ahead. She could do this! All she had to do was run in, pee, and run back out. No one was up yet, she wouldn’t even have to close herself in. The fear began to set in like vines coming up from the floor and wrapping around her legs. No matter how much she struggled to move forward an invisible barrier kept her in place. She wanted to cry. There was nothing there! All she had to do was move forward a few steps, and yet, she couldn’t. She wanted to do it, and yet, part of her would rather swim through an ocean full of sharks. “Ella, what are you doing?” Heather asked. Ella jumped feeling startled by the sudden appearance and began to leak. She crossed her legs, attempting to gain control. Her heart beat frantically and a feeling of guilt began to overwhelm her. Had she not been allowed out of bed? “Were you trying to use the bathroom?” Heather asked sounding hopeful. Ella nodded despite not being able to get past the doorway. Heather flipped on the bathroom light and held out her hand, but Ella shook her head. She had lost control the moment Heather had scared her, the evidence of which had begun to run down her legs. Heather let out a defeated sigh and wrinkled her nose. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up before anyone else wakes up.” She grabbed Ella’s hand and begun to pull her toward the bathroom, but Ella stood rooted to the spot, eyes wide as if seeing some kind of invisible monster. “If you’re scared, you could wake up Danielle or I to come with you. You don’t have to wait until it’s too late.” Ella shook her head, and began to back away. “Maybe things will get easier once you get adjusted to your new surroundings. You’re in a new house, with a new family. I don’t blame you for being scared.” Heather bent underneath the sink and retrieved two wash cloths. She ran one of them under the faucet and dropped the other on the floor by Ella to mop up the small puddle. Next Heather grabbed a trash bag and handed it to Ella. “Go ahead and pull that off and put it in the bag.” Seeing that the hallway was empty, Ella awkwardly pulled down the soiled diaper and dropped it into the bag leaving her in nothing but a t-shirt. Heather then traded the bag for the wash cloth with instructions for Ella to wipe herself down and meet her back in her room while Heather threw the bag away outside. Ella quickly cleaned herself before hurrying back into bed and hid under the blanket. Ella had a feeling Heather was annoyed with her. She curled into a ball and waited, time seeming to tick by more slowly. Just when she thought Heather wasn’t coming back, a light flicked on overhead. She could hear Danielle groan and roll over. “Go back to sleep, I just need to help Ella with something.” Danielle grunted her approval and retreated back under the covers to block out the unwelcome light. “What to do.” Heather mumbled to herself before grabbing another pull-up. “Go ahead and pull this on. Maybe they’ll fare a little better during the day rather than overnight.” Ella held it up, trying to tell the difference between the front and back. She gave up after a few attempts before lifting up her butt and sliding them on. “Try not to wait so long next time. If you’re scared just come get me. Or Danielle.” She added. “Hey.” Danielle mumbled. “What are you volunteering me for?” “Ella needs help in the bathroom at the night.” Heather said. “She has diapers.” Danielle groaned back. “For emergencies. We want her to use the bathroom like a big girl so she can get back into school.” Heather said looking down at the other lump. Ella cringed. Why were they talking to her like she was a little kid? “I need you to be a good big sister and show her there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Heather said, before clearing her throat. “I was hoping you’d take her with you and-” Before Heather could finish Danielle threw off the blanket and sat up. “No.” she said flatly. “If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting…” “I was hoping she’d... follow your example.” Heather said. “Please.” “Mom, that only works for toddlers! She’s ten! Not really what I had in mind when you said you wanted me to bond with her! I thought you meant I’d be doing her nails or something.” “And you can. “ Heather said with a grin. “In the bathroom.” “Then why don’t you, ‘show her there’s nothing to be afraid of’.” Danielle said with air quotes. “You’re her mother now.” Heather stammered. “Because I’m an adult...and it’s different...it would be...inappropriate. Besides I think it would work best if it was someone around her own age. ” “The answer’s still no, and it’s not like she’d even be willing to follow me in, right, Ella?” Ella nodded and pointed at Danielle to show Danielle was right. “See, she said she would! That settles it!” Heather said, but both Danielle and Ella were on their feet protesting in their own way. “I’m kidding. Calm down.” “What makes you think that would even work?” “The nurse taking care of Ella said she tried just about everything in the hospital. Even bribery.” “What did she do? Hide in the bathroom and wave a candy bar out the door?” Pretty much, Ella thought. She looked around until she found her sketch pad and art supplies at the foot of the bed. She couldn’t explain with words what it was she was afraid of, but maybe she could draw it. She furiously scribbled as the two of them argued back and forth. Once she finished a rough sketch, she took a black crayon and filled in some of the blanks. As Ella finished, she held it up. Danielle and Heather looked it over, both of their faces creasing in concern. “See this is why I want you to show her there’s nothing to be afraid of!” Heather insisted. There on the canvas was a sketch of a bathroom, but in the center stood a tall black silhouette with many arms reaching out of the drains towards the girl who was held in place by an additional pair of hands coming up out of the ground. Ella wasn’t sure why she had drawn what she had, the idea just popped into her head and she needed to get it out. She had only meant to draw the hands holding her in place, but the rest just seemed to flow out. “What is that supposed to be?” Danielle asked. “Slenderman?” “I don’t think so.” Heather mumbled quietly. “Look at the hair. It’s a woman.”

Ella woke with a start and gasped for air. A distant voice echoed in the back of her mind. “Let mommy make it all better.” She struggled to remember what she had been dreaming about, but it quickly drifted away like sand running through her fingers. In seconds it was gone completely. She felt an unsettling chill run through her. Mommy, why did you leave me? Ella quickly forced her mind to other things, but it kept going right back where she didn’t want it. Back to the day of the fight between her soccer coach and her mom. …………………………………………………………………………………………………….. She had been seven years old, long black hair tied into a ponytail that swayed in the wind. She ran up and down the field, dribbling the ball between her feet and around the orange plastic cones before stopping when she came to the end. She felt utterly exhausted. Ella used to be able to run these drills with ease, but now she struggled to find the energy to even stand after running only a few laps. Her face gleamed with sweat. She pulled up her shirt a little and wiped it away. She hurried over towards the cooler, her mom and coach in serious conversation nearby. They were off to the side, talking in hushed whispers. She filled a little paper cup and took sips, pretending not to notice. “Look I’m not accusing you of anything,” Her coach was saying. “but some of the other parents and I have started to grow concerned. She’s just not the same player she was last year.” “She’s just been feeling a little under the weather lately.” Diane said. “Look, I need to ask, has everything been ok with her home life?” “Yes, everything’s fine. I don’t know what you mean.” Diane said sounding confused. “She sleeps more. Usually passes out after school and practise.” “Well, is there any reason she might be depressed? Sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression, or using it as a way to escape a bad situation at home maybe.” “She’s seven!” Diane said, raising her voice. “Maybe she’s just coming down with something. She’s not trying to escape from anything!” “Mrs. Marsh, please, it’s just, the others and I have been noticing some bruising on her and-” “SHE’S SEVEN!” Her mom yelled back. “Of course she has bruises! She plays sports, climbs trees, goes hiking! Are you trying to imply I am abusing my daughter?” Ella had never seen her mom this mad. She looked down at the massive purple and green bruise that wrapped around her knee cap and half way down her leg. She had fallen last week riding her bike. Another brown and green one roughly the size and shape of a dollar splotched across her forearm. She wasn’t sure how she had gotten that one, but she was positive her mom had nothing to do with it. “I fell off my bike.” Ella said speaking up. They both looked at her. “I am a good mother!” Mrs. Marsh hissed through gritted teeth at the coach before grabbing Ella’s hand and leading her towards the car. “Mom, we’re not done with practise!” Ella said. “You are now, I’m taking you off the team!” At first Ella had thrown a fit. She liked playing soccer, and going to away games. She basked in the praise every time she scored a goal, and loved going out to eat with the team after every win. She was so mad, she hadn’t spoken to her mom for the rest of the day, even though she hadn’t really been enjoying it this season. She wouldn’t admit she was kind of relieved she’d no longer have to struggle as she fell behind her other team mates. Last season she had been one of the best players, but this season, she spent more time on the bench during games than not. Who would have known not playing soccer was the least of her problems. The real trouble came just a week later. Her mom had scheduled her a doctor’s appointment after school. Bribed with the promise of ice cream, Ella held still and tried not to cry when her blood was drawn. An hour later, with a large smile plastered on her face, she held her half chocolate half vanilla cone in hand, relieved now that the worst was over. She’d never have guessed that the very next day she would be told she had cancer. Ella hadn’t really understood what that meant, but her mom had immediately broken down in sobs. At first she thought she had done something wrong, but the next thing she knew, she was being held in a vice like grip. Her mom rocked her back and forth, “Not my baby, please no, not my baby.” She remembered her whole team coming to her first chemo appointment, coach and all. They had all signed a giant get well soon banner that took up half the wall. Her coach had spent most the time begging her mom for forgiveness and told Ella her spot on the team would be waiting for her once she felt better. Ella had originally thought the worst part was the IV. She hadn’t had a clue what this was going to do to her. All she had understood was that she would be coming to the hospital everyday for a needle. It wasn’t until an hour in to her treatment did the nausea hit her and without warning, she projectile vomited on Ernie Miller. Once her mom wiped her down with a washcloth, she distinctly remembered her whispering, “I didn’t like him anyway.” She had gotten many letters that week from classmates wishing her well and congratulating her on her aim. Apparently her mom was not the only one who didn’t like him. The nausea had quickly replaced her fear of needles. Unable to keep anything down, the pounds had begun to fall off her frame, leaving behind a ghost of who she had been. On the days her mom would have to leave for work, Rose would come up periodically and keep her company. She had really talked her ear off back then. So why couldn’t she talk now? She also remembered Rose helping her steer her IV pole into the bathroom. Had she been scared then? She didn’t think so. She found it mildly unsettling she had to pee with an audience, but soon she had become so weak she needed the help. Once she had even wet herself just from the effort of walking and left a trail from her bed to the bathroom. Ella had mumbled an weak apology, shaking and hanging on to the older woman’s arm for support, but Rose told her not to worry about it. From then on, Rose would pop in every couple hours and have her use a bedpan. Sometimes on the weekends she would fall asleep in her bed at home, and wake up from a nap only to find she was now in the living room being held and gently rocked in her mom’s arms. Diane would then lightly run her fingers through Ella’s hair, trying to hide the clumps that came out as she did so. Sometimes it was her humming that would wake her up, but on other days it was her sobs. She started going to work less and less, and soon she was at home taking care of Ella full time. Diane would drive her to chemo first thing in the morning, and then they’d have the afternoon just the two of them. Ella’s favorite would be to curl up with her mom in the Lazy Boy recliner and be read to, letting the rocking of the chair and her mom’s voice lull her to sleep. …………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………. Ella jumped when she felt Danielle grab her hand. Her new sister looked at her with mild concern in her eyes.“What’s wrong?” she asked. What? Did she have something on her face? Why was she looking at her like that? Ella rubbed at her face, surprised to find fresh tear streaks. Had she been crying? She turned her face away and dabbed at her eyes. Why had she been crying? She dried away the evidence, and tried to plaster on a fake grin. No wonder, Ella thought. She had been thinking of her mother. “Ella, are you ok back there?” Heather asked. “Do you need a change?” Ella blushed, but shook her head. “Are you sure? You’ve been asleep for a while. I can get off at the next exit an-” “Yes please!” Danielle nearly shouted. Ella looked over at her to find her legs crossed. “I told you not to drink all that soda.” Heather teased. “We’ve got another diaper back there if you need it.” “Ha. Ha.” Danielle said sarcastically.. “Please, can you get off at the next exit?” “No can do.” Heather said. “What, what do you mean? Don’t joke like that.” “I’m serious. Read the sign.” Heather said. Danielle groaned as she saw the Road Work warning signs and Freeway Exit Closed Ahead. What was worse, traffic had come to a complete stand still. “You’ve got to be kidding. Just my luck!” For every couple minutes, the van seemed to only move an inch. It was Karma for her earlier comments, Ella thought. When she had noticed the clock in the dashboard, it had been nearly three hours since they left the restaurant and she hadn’t gone at all either like she was supposed to. Heather was sure to check if she had gone. She felt kind of bad for getting to pee while Danielle was suffering, but she didn’t want to find out what would happen to her if she again hadn’t done what she was asked. So Ella closed her eyes and pretended she was asleep as she tried to relax as best she good. She had only meant to let a little bit out at a time, but once she had managed to get a stream going, it wouldn’t stop. She felt the diaper expanding underneath her shorts as she anxiously watched for leaks. She felt a little begin to pool under her butt, but compared to last time, it was nothing. It may not have leaked a lot, but this diaper was definitely done for. She cringed. It felt gross to sit in it. Everytime they hit a bump, the unabsorbed liquid seemed to slosh against her. Whatever discomfort she was feeling, it was nothing compared to Danielle, who had taken to squirming and holding herself. Ella managed to pick up her drawing pad off the floor with her feet and managed to get close enough her hands to grab. She pulled the pencil out of the ring on the side and began to draw the grey Honda next to her. She began to make a few lines when she suddenly stopped and doubled over in her seat. Her stomach making its displeasure with her hamburger known. What had she been thinking? Her stomach wasn’t used to greasy foods! She let out an audible groan that surprised both Danielle and Heather. She had to go and she had to go now! Her stomach continued to groan as she liquid pressure trying to escape her backside. No! Not in the car! Not in the middle of traffic! Her eyes began to water. “Ella, what’s the matter? Are you feeling sick?” Heather asked, looking at her through the windshield mirror. Ella held up two fingers. “Did you have an accident?” Heather asked worried. They had made a deal that she wouldn’t do that in the diaper, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep her promise. Ella shook her head, her eyes wide and pleading. Ella was pretty sure Heather had swore. “Not now.” Heather moaned. “What’s wrong?” Danielle asked continuing to squirm herself. “She needs to go number two, and by the looks of it, badly.” Dannielle scrunched up her face. They couldn’t keep the windows rolled up if she did that in the car, but they’d melt if they rolled them down. Danielle looked around outside before speaking up. “I’ll take her on the other side of the barricade.” she said pointing at the roadblock that went at least waist high. There’s some shrubbery over there.” “I don’t know.” Heather said, looking over and biting her lip, but Ella was already trying to unbuckle herself. “I really gotta pee, mom. And I really don’t want to smell dirty diaper all the way home.” “Fine, but stay close! Don’t wander off.” Heather agreed. Ella was already out of the car seat before Heather had even pressed the button to open the door. “Help her over the barrica- never mind.” Heather said before Ella launched herself over with ease, before she and Danielle raced towards cover. Danielle squatted down with her shorts around her knees almost as soon as she reached the plant. By the time Ella had managed to catch up to her, Danielle had already finished and was pulling her pants back up. Ella let the shorts drop as she hurriedly stepped out of them, revealing the diaper underneath. She desperately tried to pull at the tapes, but they wouldn’t come undone. She whimpered, she didn’t have much time left. Just when she thought she was going to have an accident, Danielle came at the nick of time, and with one strong tug, the whole thing fell away. She barely had enough time to point her butt in the bush before showing the desert ground exactly what she thought of this heat. Danielle had quickly turned around and pretended to be fascinated by the distant horizon. Once Ella was sure she was done, she reached over and plucked the diaper off the ground, using the driest part she could to clean herself. Once she was satisfied she wouldn’t track any residual back into the car with her, pulled the shorts back up and they headed back to the van. It had only moved about ten feet in their absence. “You girls feel better now?” Heather asked. “Trust me, you did NOT want Ella to do that in the car.” Danielle said. “I feel sorry for that bush.” Ella felt her cheeks grow red. “I’m sorry you had to do that, Ella, but we appreciate it. Do you think you’ll be okay now?” Ella nodded and patted her stomach, relieved it was no longer doing flips. “Do you think you’ll need another diaper? We should be home in another 2 hours, if traffic ever clears up.” Ella shook her head. “Are you sure? I can still get off whenever I get to another off ramp and help you.” Ella shook her head again, glad to be rid of it. She had made sure to pee in the desert earlier. “Well let me know if you change your mind. I called Dad and sent him to the store with a list of supplies to pick up for you before we get there.” “So you really don’t need diapers, right?” Danielle whispered to Ella as she finished buckling her back in. Ella shook her head. Danielle seemed the breathe a sigh of relief. “Cause you know, we’re sharing a room and everything. I was afraid it would smell like dirty diaper.” Ella shook her head again. “So why are you wearing them now?” “Just for the car ride.” Ella wrote on the side of the page. “So, what happened back at the Denny’s? You were freaking out outside the bathroom.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” Ella wrote, before closing her notebook. “O...kay” Danielle said with a bit of attitude. The rest of the car ride went by in silence, Danielle watched another movie, and Ella went back to sleep. The day so far had been exhausting. It seemed she had only just closed her eyes before she found herself being shaken awake. “We’re here!” Heather said. “Welcome to your new home, Ella!” Ella’s eyes went wide taking it all in. The outside lawn looked like a professional landscaper took care of the place. A bed of small colorful flowers lined the walkway leading to the green front door. The house itself was a modest size, but Ella thought it was perfect compared to the hospital. The inside had dark hardwood flooring, and the biggest tv Ella had ever seen. She looked around taking in all the furniture and family portraits. “Hi, I’m Charlie,” a red headed man said suddenly, making Ella jump as she scooted closer to Danielle. “A little shy, but that’s okay! I only bite a little!” “Ignore him.” Danielle said, rolling her eyes playfully. “And don’t laugh atl his lame jokes, you’ll only encourage him.” “I’m hurt!” Charlie said, feigning insult. “Oh, the stuff is in the girls room by the way.” “Oh good, thank you for picking that up by the way.” Heather said, giving him a small peck on the lips before heading down the hall. “Was it hot out today?” Charlie asked Ella. She slowly nodded, while Danielle groaned. “I thought I was going to die!” she exaggerated. “Honey! What’s this?” Heather called from the back of the house. Charlie and Danielle went to investigate, so Ella tagged along behind them and peaked into the room. Sitting atop the bed amongst the pile of clothes, was a small colorful chair of some sorts. “Oh, that’s the portable commode you asked me to get.” Charlie said matter of factly. “This isn’t a portable commode, this is a training potty.” Heather said, raising her eyebrows. “Yeah, you said we needed to work on that with her.” Charlie said. “So I got a training toilet.” “This is for toddlers.” Heather said stifling a laugh. “I think she’ll be too big for this. I meant the medical commode, the pink thing with the rails so you can move it.” “They wanted over a hundred bucks for that. Seemed awfully expensive for a temporary problem. “ Charlie said. “That was ten.” Danielle snorted. “It has butterflies on it.” “C’mon, Ella, have a seat.” Charlie said patting the top of the chair. “What am I going to do with you?” Heather said shaking her head. “Out, both of you. I’d like to talk to Ella and get her ready for bed.” Ella was relieved when the two of them wished her good night, and headed out the door. “Would you like to soak in the tub for a bit and get washed up?” Ella quickly shook her head. “So it’s not just the toilet then, is it?” Ella didn’t answer, but stared at the floor instead. “ I guess it would be too much to ask tonight to give the toilet a try as well.” Ella bit her lip refusing to make eye contact. She wasn’t ready for all this the moment she walked inside. “Well, I had planned on having something ready for you so we could start slow and work our way up to it, but as you can see.” Heather waved her hand at the children’s potty and Ella couldn’t help but smile. It was kind of funny. “Well, the bathrooms down the hall to your left, when you feel up for it. For now though...Do you want another diaper for tonight? I got some just in case. I’m sure they’ll fit better than the last ones.” Ella quickly shook her head no. “Well, if you’re not going to wear one to bed, I want you try going...somewhere.” Heather said. Ella picked up the plastic toilet and opened the lid. “I think you’re a little too big for that.” Heather chuckled. Ella agreed and set it down on the floor. She sat on the bed, beginning to feel sleepy. She wanted nothing more than to lay down and close her eyes. She didn’t care at this point. Ella pointed at the package of diapers. “Ok, were both tired, we’ll start working on this tomorrow.” She pulled a pull up out and laid it on the bed. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go grab a washcloth.” Ella stretched out on the bed and closed her eyes, only opening them once she felt her shirt getting pulled over her head. “Here, this will probably help you sleep better.” Heather said running the warm wet rag over her chest and down her stomach and arms. “Let’s get all that sweat off you.” Once Heather deemed her front half cleaned, she had her roll over onto her stomach and did the same for her back. Ella stiffened once she felt her shorts being pulled off but didn’t fight. She tried to think of all the things she would draw tomorrow while Heather cleaned her lower regions. Next she tugged the pull on up Ella’s legs and helped her into a long night shirt. Heather rubbed the top of Ella’s scalp as Ella settled under the covers. “Welcome home, Ella ,I think you’ll be happy here. Good night.” Ella was fast asleep before Heather had even finished closing the bedroom door.

Ella stood helpless as her body’s need took over. She was as still as a statue, horrified and unable to move a muscle as the garment between her legs did little to absorb her emptying bladder. She knew she was in trouble mere seconds after beginning to relieve herself. Urine had began to stream down the left side of her thigh, down her leg and into her socks and shoes. She could do nothing about it as a puddle began to form at her feet. Her body was not willing or able to stop despite the pleading of her mind. It wasn’t until she had finished did the tears begin to fall. She was soaked from the waist down. Either the diaper had been too loose, or it had shifted to the side from all her squirming. Ella didn’t know what to do. After a full minute of standing shell shocked, Heather had begun to ask if everything was okay. Everything was not okay. All she had was the clothes on her back, and now they were ruined. She couldn’t go into Denny’s like this. “Ella, I’m coming to check on you.” Heather said. She knew it had only been a matter of time, but Ella just couldn’t get herself to go to her, so after five minutes, Heather had come to see what the problem was. “Oh.” Was all Heather had said. Ella hung her head. She didn’t say anything or make any attempt to communicate with her new mom. Ella’s face grew warm. Without warning, Heather had lifted up her now ruined skirt. “This did not work as planned, did it?” She gave a light tug and the diaper plopped off onto the ground. Ella looked down at it, most of it hadn’t even been used. “Did you try to take it off before you went?” Ella shook her head. She wanted to tell Heather it was loose, but as usual the words wouldn’t come. “I won’t be mad if you did, just tell me the truth.” Ella shook her head again, feeling a tad bit annoyed. She pointed at the diaper, moved her hands apart to show it was too big, but Heather didn’t seem to understand. “Well, let’s see if we can get you cleaned up.” Ella stripped off her shoes and socks after being prompted to do so and watched as they were unceremoniously thrown in the back. After a few seconds, she audibly whimpered and jumped from foot to foot. The hot pavement had began to quickly scald the bottoms of her feet. Heather stopped searching the trunk and rushed to pick her up. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking!” Heather said. She set Ella down feet first on the carpet. Ella began to whimper in pain. “I know, I’m so sorry, I’ll get you off your feet in a second. Shoot, where is it?” Heather said. She quickly tore through the contents in the very back before pulling out a blanket. “I got it!” She hurried back around and draped it over the back seat, motioning for the teary eyed girl to lay down. Ella did so, whimpering as Heather examined the bottoms of her feet. She could already tell blisters were forming. “Oh, Ella, I’m sorry. This is a rough day, huh?” Ella sniffed and nodded. The tears finally subsiding as the burning settled down into a dull throb. “I’ll bet you’ll feel better once you’re cleaned up.” Ella blushed, feeling her skirt slid off her body. Now naked from the waist down, with only Heather partially blocking the view from the outside world, Ella shut her eyes and pretended it was Rose. She was used to this kind of treatment from Rose, but that had been in the privacy of her hospital room. She jumped a little as a cold, wet wipe ran up and down her leg, but she quickly relaxed as the coldness felt heavenly compared to the scorching outside air. Ella didn’t even care that Heather had now reached more private areas. She just laid limply on the seat, letting Heather move and position her as she saw fit. Part of her wanted to ask if Heather would rub one up and down her back, but a clean wet wipe of course. The temptation was too much, once Heather had finished, she rolled onto her stomach and pointed at her back. Heather chuckled and obliged. Ella was practically drooling as the cold wipe went up the back of her shirt. “Allright, it’s time to get you dressed. Flip back around.” A pang of sadness filled Ella’s chest, but did as she was told. Heather opened up the diaper as Ella looked away, feeling embarrassed once again. “Will you promise to keep this one on?” Another surge of annoyance rushed through her, ruining her small moment of bliss. She reached down for the note pad and a pencil and began to write a note. “I didn’t try to take it off. It was too big.” “Ah.” Heather said in realization. Looking at the new diaper as she taped it between Ella’s legs, she lightly tugged at the straps and gently moved the crotch as it easily slid off to the side. “This is a bit big on you.” Heather agreed. Ella nodded, happy that Heather finally believed her. “It must have moved when you were squirming against the seat.” Ella nodded again in agreement. “So I guess we need to keep you from moving.” Heather went into the back again and came back with a pair of shorts and flip flops. These are Danielle’s. We spent the night in a motel last night on the way up here, so she has a spare set of clothes from yesterday. They will probably be a bit big on you though.” Ella didn’t mind as long as she didn’t have to go out in public in just a shirt and diaper. Once dressed, she sat up to meet Heather’s gaze. “Ella, here’s what needs to happen for the time being.” Ella looked at her, worried she was about to be scolded. “You’re going to have to pee is small intervals. Do you understand what I mean?” Ella shook her head. Intervals? “Sorry, it’s been a while since i’ve been around small children. Like, in small amounts. Don’t hold it until you can’t anymore, the diaper can’t handle it; It doesn’t fit you right. Since we don’t want a repeat of last time, and it’s really not fun having to hold it, just relax every so often and try to pee. Let it absorb in small amounts, do you get what I’m saying? Don’t wait until you have a full bladder.” Ella nodded, but was unsure she could do it. She definitely didn’t want to disappoint her new mom, or ruin her new sisters clothes. “Danielle’s probably wondering what happened to us. Let’s get some lunch.” Heather hadn’t been joking about the shorts being too big for her. She literally had to hold them up by the waist to keep them from falling down as Heather carried her into the diner. “Aren't those my clothes?” Danielle asked when Heather set Ella down in the booth. “She needs to borrow them for the time being until we go shopping.” Heather answered. “What took you guys so long? I’ve been waiting for like twenty minutes. The waiters been by like three times to ask if I’m ready to order.” “Sorry, we had some things that needed taking care of.” Heather said picking up the menu. “Here,” Danielle said sliding a kids menu and crayons over to Ella. Ella frowned, she hadn’t ordered off the kids menu since she was like seven. As an active soccer player, she had had a high metabolism and ate like a horse, but that had been before she had gotten sick. Ella thought fondly of going out for pizza after a game with the team. She hadn’t sat in a restaurant in what felt like years. She briefly looked over the menu, but nothing really struck her fancy. She didn’t eat much anyway. Instead of deciding on something to eat, she worked on the word search as Heather and Danielle talked about what looked good. When the waiter came by, Heather ordered a cobb salad and Danielle chicken strips. Ella merely shook her head when asked what she wanted. “Ella, aren't you hungry?” Heather asked. Ella shook her head. She felt too emotionally exhausted to eat. “You’re not feeling car sick, are you?” Ella shook her head again, only for Heather to order a kids cheeseburger for her and a cup of milk. While her new family seemed to be lost in conversation about the school Danielle went to, Ella continued working on the puzzles on her menu. Once she had finished those, she flipped over the page and began doodling patterns. She wasn’t paying much attention to what she was doing, just filled the page with little different colored squares as a way to pass the time. Once the waiter brought the drinks did Ella notice how thirsty she was. She eagerly reached for the cup that was handed to her and began gulping it down. She wasn’t really a fan of milk, but the cool liquid soothed her parched throat. In less than a minute, she had downed the kids drink portion and looked around the table for something else to quench her thirst. “How many soda’s did you drink while you were waiting for us?” Heather asked. Ella looked up, noticing for the first time just how many empty cups were on the table. “It’s hot.” Danielle shrugged, sipping on the brown liquid in her glass. “Why don’t you drink some water instead,” Heather said. “Soda is just going to dehydrate you faster.” Danielle wrinkled her nose, and Ella shuddered. She remembered what it was like being dehydrated from getting sick too much. Dehydration meant I.V. fluids, and I..V. fluids meant a needle. Ella reached for the unclaimed glass of water that was closest to her and began to down it. “So what school will Ella be going to?” Danielle asked in between sips of her soda. “I’m not sure we can get her into a school right now.” Heather said after a pause. “Why not?” Danielle asked. “Is it because she’s not potty trained?” Ella nearly choked on her straw. “Something like that.” Heather admitted. Ella felt her face blush bright red. She wanted to say she was to potty trained, but her throat closed up once she tried to summon the words. She almost never had accidents unless she was sick! She could use the bathroom just fine as long as it wasn’t...in the bathroom. “So that's why she;s in a diaper?” Danielle asked bluntly. Ella’s mouth nearly dropped open. Why were they talking about her like she wasn’t here? “Just for the ride home, i’m not sure what we’re going to do once we get there..” Heather said. “I’m not changing diapers!” Danielle said wrinkling her nose. Ella began furiously scribbling on the page. “I don’t need diapers! I don’t have accidents!” She shoved it into the middle of the table feeling frustrated. Danielle seemed to relax at first, but asked with a smirk, “So then why are you wearing one now? And why are you wearing my clothes?” “Because they made me!” Ella wrote.“I can use the bathroom just fine!” she lied. “Then why were you crying earlier?” “Danielle, please knock it off. Don’t antagonize her. She’;s in a new environment and has trouble speaking up when she needs things, that’s why she’s dressed the way she is.” Heather said. “You just admitted she wasn’t potty trained.” Danielle said back. “Look, can we not discuss this here. It’s a complicated situation. She just needs time to adjust to her new surroundings.” Ella hung her head, twirling a crayon in her hand. Her eyes burned from the tears that wanted to break through her defenses, but she fought them back. She had to prove to her new sister she wasn’t some little kid. Heather seemed to sense she was upset, as she felt a large hand begin to stroke her head. “It’s okay, she just doesn’t understand your situation. Don’t worry about what she thinks.” Ella heard whispered in her ear. Ella shrugged and pretended it didn’t bother her, even though it did. Once the food came, the others dug at their meals, but Ella merly picked at her fries. They were good, but she didn’t really have much of an appetite. Butterflies seemed to fill her stomach to the brink. She was going to live with these people who were practically strangers, one who thought she was just a little kid. A sudden pang of despair filled her chest. She missed Rose already. “Will you at least take three bites of your hamburger?” Heather asked. “The doctor wants you to gain some weight, remember?” Ella nodded, feeling a bit relieved. As long as she didn’t have to eat this huge thing at once. If this was only the kids size, she’d hate to see how large the regular portion was.She took a small bite, surprised at how much better it tasted than anything that was served to her at the hospital. Was this what flavor tasted like? She took another bite and then another. Soon she had consumed half without even realizing it. Ella felt like she was going to burst. She hadn’t eaten this much in years. She pushed her plate aside, and leaned her head against the wall. “You did good!” Heather said, nodding approvingly at the dent she had made in her meal. Ella gave her a weak smile and closed her eyes, a sudden wave of exhaustion hitting her like a ton of bricks. She was just about to doze off, but stiffened when she heard Heather whisper in her ear, “It’s been thirty minutes, have you gone yet?.” Ella blushed, but shook her head. “Please try. If you think you’ll need a change before we get back on the road let me know. I don’t want you to leak in the rental.” Ella didn’t think her face could glow any brighter. She was used to bluntness in the hospital, but for some reason this felt different.” Ella looked away from her, pretending she hadn’t heard anything. Instead, she picked up a french fry and dragged it through the ketchup making circles on her plate. “Would you rather give the bathroom one more try?” Ella dropped her french fry. She froze at the thought of going back in there, despite wanting to prove to Daniel she was potty trained. Ella dropped her head in defeat and gave it a small shake. “I want you to go one more time before we leave. You too, Danielle.” Heather said raising her voice. “Huh?” Danielle asked, looking up from her phone. “Bathroom, go.” Heather said pointing towards the back of the restaurant. “We’ll be driving through that stretch of desert again. I don’t want any accidents because you drank half your weight in soda.” Danielle seemed to grumble in embarrassment, but got up and headed towards the bathroom.””We’ll meet you back at the van!” “ “There, will that make it easier?” Heather asked, turning back to Ella.” You’ve also had quite a bit to drink.” Ella didn’t respond. “How about while I’m in the restroom, you head back to the van and wait for us? Would you rather try alone?” Ella nodded her head eagerly. Maybe she could just say she went while outside. She scooted herself out of the booth once Heather stood up, the diaper crinkling under her. Ella walked briskly back to the van, wincing at the dry heat wave that met her face once she opened the door. Once there she stood debating on what to do. Maybe she should do as Heather asked, and at least try. She inwardly groaned. All this thinking of peeing had made her actually have to pee. She glanced around, spotting a large bush. Another thought of ripping the damn thing off and squatting behind it crossed her mind. She had peed off the side of the trail several times when hiking with her mom. Her heart ached as she thought of her mom. She usually tried to avoid thinking about the past; it hurt too much. “You all ready?” A voice asked behind her. Ella jumped a little and turned to find Heather and Danielle. While her new sister hopped in the front this time, Ella was suddenly lifted into the air, blushing as she felt a hand go down her shorts. “Ella,” Heather said more sternly. She slunked down and buried her head in Heather’s shoulder. “I’m trying to be as patient with your situation as I can, but if you won’t use the diaper I’m going to have to take you into the bathroom whether you like it or not.” It was like a switch had suddenly been flipped. Ella cried and tried to force her way out of Heather’s arms, thrashing and clawing at anything she could reach. “Ella! Ella, stop! I’m going to drop you! Calm down! Please! I take it back, I won’t force you! Please calm down!” Heather tightened her grip around Ella until she could hardly move. Ella’s breathing was erratic as she continued desperately to get away.” Please calm down, I’m sorry,” Heather whispered, trying to rub the thrashing girls back. “Shh. breathe, Ella.” Heather continued to rock her back and forth. “I think you’re having a panic attack.” Ella continued to cry, but no longer fought Heather’s arms. It had only been a few hours and she was already in trouble. What if Heather didn’t want her anymore? What if when they got back in the car, she drove her back to the hospital? “It’s ok. It’s ok.” Heather said. “Does it really scare you that much? Why? What happened to you, little one?” They remained silent. “Tell me, what do you want? If you won’t use the bathroom or the diaper, then what?” Ella moved and Heather let her down. If it would make her new mom happy, she’d do it but first- Ella made sure no one was looking before she let go of the waistband on Danielle’s shorts. letting them fall to the ground before stepping out of them. She walked a few steps over to the grass and sat in it. At least if it leaked, it wouldn’t make such a mess. She gave a small push and relaxed. The crotch of the diaper grew warm as she watched it expand. She was pleased to feel this time it hadn’t leaked. In fact, it hardly felt as if she had gone at all other than feeling a little heavier around her waist. “Was that so bad?” Heather asked. Ella shrugged and stood back up. Her face burned as Heather knelt down and began poking and prodding at it. “I think this will work this time. I only have one spare left, so let’s make this one last a bit longer. Remember, no squirming and go in small amounts every so often. Ella frowned at the thought of being stuck in a wet diaper the rest of the way, but said nothing. Once she was buckled back in the booster seat, Danielle hopped in the back beside her and they were off. Now with a full stomach and empty bladder, Ella quickly drifted off to sleep.

Yes. I think I'm going to have fun with this. I'm putting all my real tics into this, and some of them can be quite humorous.