SashaButters

Thanks. only meant to be a one shot, but maybe I can come up with more. I have enough unfinished stories though. This is literally what I live with every day. I put my own tics into it.

“Kayee, go take a seat while I check you in.” The nine year old girl nodded and made a dash for a pair of seats tucked away in the corner away from the others. She looked around the psych’s office glumly. Generic landscape pictures hung on the white walls, and the floors were covered with fake wooden planks instead of carpet. There was a table in the center of the room covered in People magazine’s and issues of Web Md’s. It wasn’t as child friendly as her normal doctors office, whose toy basket overflowed with germ ridden teddy bears and outdated hard cover I SPY books. This was a different kind of doctors office. This doctors office was for crazy people. Her head twitched as she wondered what they were going to do to her in there. “Hi, we have a 10 o’clock to see Dr. Marzan.” Kaylee heard her mom say at the front counter. “That’ll be a $60 co-pay.” The receptionist said back. Kaylee’s stomach dropped a little. Sixty bucks? Was that how much it cost her mom every time she took her to the doctor? She had been to the doctor a lot recently. Kaylee tried to do the math, but quickly gave up. Her head jerked violently to the side as she punched the air in front of her. The door opened and in walked a mother and a boy she guessed around five. She let out a bark followed by a high pitched whine. Kaylee saw the receptionist look up at her, before she looked away. “You nervous?” Her mom asked as she took a seat next to her. “A little,” Kaylee admitted. She grimaced before the muscles in her face finally relaxed. “IT’S TUESDAY!” She felt all eyes on her. What a stupid thing to yell. It was Friday. “Oh, is it Tuesday now?” Her mom said. “Bummer, I had been looking forward to the weekend.” “WEEKEND WEEKEND!” Kaylee yelled. “FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!” She could feel her mom tense beside her. “You are nervous.” Her mom stated matter of factly. “Mrs. Shepard,” a voice called. Her mom stood and beckoned Kaylee to follow, but an elderly man held up a hand to stop her. “I want to have a minute with your mom alone for a few minutes. How about you wait there and I’ll come call you when I’m ready for you.” Doctor Marzan said. Kaylee gulped. She didn’t like being alone in public. “Here, “ Her mom said handing her something out of her purse. Kaylee’s heart soared as she took the red and black case. “Play with that until it’s time for you to come in.” Kaylee eager bounded back to her seat, all anxiety of being in the public eye long forgotten as she undid the zipper to reveal her Nintendo Switch. Oh, I’ve missed you! Kaylee thought as she turned it on. She had gotten it taken away last week when her mom had been called to the principal's office to come pick her up. She hadn’t been in school since. She didn’t mind; she hated it there. “SHUT UP!” Kaylee yelled into the quiet office as she tried to remember what she had been previously working on in Mario Odyssey. After only ten minutes of smashing through brick walls as a T-rex she felt the urge to shake her arm out. She tried her best to ignore it, but before she could stop herself, she let go of the Switch as she flapped her arm up and down. Kaylee let out a gasp as she helplessly watched her game tumble to the hardwood floor. She shot down out of her seat and scooped it up off the floor. There, impossible to ignore, was a big crack across the screen. “No!” she whimpered. Her mom had specifically told her she wouldn’t buy her another if she ever broke it. She had only had it for three months! She hit the power button, relieved to see it come back on. She’d be in trouble for sure, but at least it still worked. She let out a loud series of barks as her neck twisted to the side. “Mommy, why’s that girl barking?” The boy from earlier asked loud enough for Kaylee to hear. She could hear his mother quickly hush him. “FUCK OFF! SHUT YOUR FAT ASS!” Kaylee yelled looking down at the screen. She gulped. She hadn’t meant to say it. “Do not talk to my son that way!” the mother snapped. Kaylee looked up to see the lady glaring daggers at her. “I’m telling your mother you said that when she comes back out here!” Kaylee’s heart dropped. “I-I didn’t mean too!” She tried to say “I have turnips!” She could feel her eyes begin to burn. It was like school all over again. Her face twisted into a snarl and she let out another quick succession of barks. Her hand shot up and punched herself in the face. “David, let’s move.” the other lady said. She grabbed her sons wrist and pulled him as far away from Kaylee as she could get. She dropped her voice, but Kaylee could still here her say, “She’s obviously not all there.” Tears pricked her eyes as her vision began to blur. Her hands shot up, her neck craned as she yelled. “PEANUT BUTTER!” She hated being in public alone. “Kaylee, we’re ready for you. “ Her mom called. Kaylee looked up, tears still streaming her cheeks. “What’s wro-” Her mom begun to ask before stopping and spying the cracked device clutched in her daughter’s hands. “I told you to be careful with that!” her mom said in a disgusted tone. Kaylee shrunk back. She let out several barks, shook her head from side to side, and her body pushed. “No!” Kaylee thought, suddenly frozen. Not again! She could feel warm liquid beginning to pool under her. Her body stopped pushing and she frantically clutched herself to stop the leaking. Her mom threw her hands in the air and let out a grunt of exasperation.“See this is what I was talking about!” She half yelled to the doctor. “She pees herself almost every time she gets in trouble!” Kaylee’s face burned. Did she have to say it in front of everyone? Doctor Marzan pushed his hands out and lowered them gently down as a signal to calm down. “Let me talk with her alone.” Kaylee sniffled and wiped her runny nose down her arm as she waddled down the hall in semi wet pants. Once they were in the back, he led her to the bathroom so she could finish peeing and clean herself up. She threw her wet underwear in the trash can and scrubbed at her pants with a wet paper towel. Once she re-emerged, she followed the Dr to a room and took a seat across from his desk. “So your mom tells me you’ve been getting in some trouble at school.” He said. Kaylee nodded. Her left eye twitched. “You want to tell me in your own words what happened?” “I kicked this guy Jake in the nuts.” She mumbled. “And why did you do that?” “He was making fun of my turnips, him and his friends.” She admitted. “Turnips?” “The noises I make and all the… “she waved her hands in the air for emphasis. “Oh, the tourette's. I see” “Yeah, that thing. I always get the name wrong.” she said with a shrug. Her arm jerked out to the side. “So what kinds of things do they say to you?” he asked as he took notes. She shrugged. “They copy me, call me a freak. Tell me I need to be in the retard class.” “Do your teachers know they do this?” “Yeah, but she doesn’t care. She usually just sends me to the office.” “Wait, your teacher sends you to the office when they pick on you? Why?” “She doesn’t like my tics. Or me.” Kaylee said before letting out a loud grunt. “Why do you say she doesn’t like you?” “Another teacher told me to hand my teacher a stack of handouts. She was in the teacher’s lounge and FUCK OFF, sorry.” she said. He nodded to her to continue. “Well when I opened the door I heard her in there talking about me to the other teachers. She-She...She said she wished I wasn’t in her class because I was annoying and that I needed to be in the specials needs department.” “That must have been hard to hear. Did your tics get worse after that?” Kaylee shrugged. “I don’t want to be in special needs.” She said feeling a tear fall down her face. “I’m not stupid.” “Being in a special needs classroom doesn’t make you stupid.” He said. “I was normal last year and then.” She shrugged and threw her hands up. “Well, sometimes tics can manifest after a stressful event. Did anything happen differently this school year compared to last?” “We moved.” Kaylee said after a pause. “That’s about it.” “Being in a new environment can be stressful. Did you leave behind friends?” “Yeah.” “Did you have any friends in the school you were going to?” Dr Marzan asked. “Yeah, back in Texas.” “No, I mean here in this last one.” “Not in the school I’m going to now. I’m…” Kaylee paused. “Not very popular.” She trailed off. “Do you know why you’re not in school right now?” Kaylee shook her head. She didn’t know, she was just happy she wasn’t there. “You were expelled for attacking another student. Jake you said his name was. I need to know, do you ever have thoughts of hurting other people? Even the ones who deserve it?” Kaylee shook her head. So that’s why her mom was so mad at her this week. She had gotten expelled. “He dared me to hit him, so I did.” “You said earlier it was because he was making fun of you.” “He was, they were, “ She tried to say thinking of how to explain. “I was having punching tics, while they were standing around me.” She demonstrated by punching the air. “So they started laughing and egging me on to hit him. Said they’d give me a free shot, then Jake said I was too retarded to even land a hit and… yeah. That’s when a teacher saw me.” “Do you think they wanted you to hit him because they saw the teacher coming and wanted to get you in trouble?” “Yes.” “So you don’t normally want to hurt anyone?” “No.” “What about yourself? Do you ever want to hurt yourself?” “No, I don’t want to, but sometimes I do anyway. My hand hits my face. I feel this pressure sometimes and it’s like, I have to.” “We call that a premonitory urge. Do you feel this urge with all your tics?” “Sometimes, but when they’re strong I don’t feel anything. It just happens. Like when I yell. I feel a pressure in my throat, but I don’t know what’s going to come out.” “I want to ask you about one more thing before I invite your mom to come back in.” Kaylee nodded. “Tell me about the accidents.” Kaylee blushed. “It’s like the other stuff.” “What do you mean? It’s like a tic? You’re mom is concerned you might have been acting up for attention or something.” “No!” Kaylee insisted. “I- I can’t control it! When I tic, sometimes my body pushes without meaning too.” “And that makes you pee?” “Yes,” Kaylee blushed before letting out a bark. “I don’t do it on purpose. It’s like when I say stuff, or rock my head side to side. Sometimes It just pushes.” “I see, well how often does this happen? Once a day? Once a week?” “Umm, well, lately a couple times a day.” Kaylee admitted. “My mom gets really mad when it happens.” “Wouldn’t it be more convenient if you wore some kind of absorbent pad or something?” “I guess.” She said with a shrug. “So how about you wait out front while I talk to your mom one more time?” “Okay.” she said getting up to leave. “Oh, and Kaylee.” She looked up and met his gaze. “You’re not a freak.”

Yes, I intended there to be more. Just been in a funk for a while. I try to go over things i've written to see where I left off, but then I'm left cringing over what I've written. Half of me wants to come back and get into writing again, but the other half wants to bury everything in the sand and hope no one remembers anything I've written.

Chapter 3 Ella’s heart fluttered with nervous anticipation. She was leaving! She was finally leaving Loma Linda Children’s Hospital and going home! When was the last time she had even been outside? Was it months? Maybe it was even years! She couldn’t remember, she was just so happy to be leaving. She stepped out the elevator with her new family and had her eyes set on the front door, when a sudden thought flashed through her mind. She looked down at the medical bracelet still strapped to her wrist. Would they even let her leave? She eyed the security desk wearily. What if they thought she was making a break for it? It wouldn’t be the first time security had chased her. Ella could clearly remember the incident. It had been the first night in the hospital after her mom died. She had been lying in bed, still numb from shock, when Rose had begun to undress her. She had taken Rose’s hand when offered and let her guide her into the restroom for a bath, and that’s when it hit her. As soon as she took just a single step in the doorway, a sudden indescribable terror had washed over her. She had never felt such a strong fight or flight reaction before. With adrenaline coursing through her, the only thing she knew was that she had to get away. Without knowing just what she was running from, she bolted, catching Rose off guard. She had run down the hall in all her nine year old glory, dodging nurses and staff along the way. Ella vaguely remembered a man cackling as she streaked by and he shouted, “We got a runner!” After a brief lock down of the facility, they finally found her cowering in the closet some 10 rooms down the hall. She had never forgiven Amelia Masterston for shouting at the top of her lungs. “She’s in here! “She’s in here!” Ella walked closer to Heather as she tried to paw at the bracelet. They were getting closer to the front door where she saw two large ,white pillars standing opposite ends of the door. To Ella, they looked like the kind of things in stores that prevented shoplifting. Ella was certain they would buzz and screech if she were to walk through with the bracelet still on her wrist. If these were like store alarms, did that mean Ella had to be rung up and paid for? Maybe Heather already had a receipt for her in case the alarm went off. But what if Heather was shoplifting her? She imagined her new foster mom shouting, “Run! Every women for themselves!” if they got caught. Ella doubted she’d be able to keep up, but she got ready to run if need be as they neared the white electronic pillars. She held her breathe, expecting the worst, but as she passed by them, nothing happened. She let out her held breath and relaxed. Maybe Rose had already rung her up when they they left to talk. She wondered for a brief moment how much Heather had paid for her, but all thoughts of human trafficking left her mind when the double automatic doors swung open. Ella was finally free! Freedom was beautiful! Freedom was hers! Freedom was… holy crap… freedom was hot! As soon as Ella walked outside she was greeted with a blast of sweltering San Bernardino heat. Ella had been used to being in the air conditioned confines of the hospital, and had completely forgotten how hot it could get here.Within a few minutes of walking she could feel her upper thighs beginning to chaff from the diaper. She hoped she wouldn’t have to walk much farther. She felt like she’d either melt or collapse at any moment. Just as Ella was wishing she was back in the cool comfort of her hospital room, they stopped in front of a grey minivan. “It’s a rental,” Danielle said. “I wish it was ours. It even has a DVD player in the back. Hey, mom, do that thing with the doors.” Ella looked on expectantly as Heather pressed a button on the key fob. Ella watched in amazement as the side door slid slowly open by itself.”Neat, huh?” Ella nodded in agreement. Her mom’s car hadn’t even had automated windows. “We need to let the van air out; it’s gonna be hot inside.” said Heather. Danielle jumped in the back and jumped back out with a, “Nope.” Heather got in the front and started the van’s engine. “I’m going to let the AC run for a bit.” said Heather. “Can you give Ella something to drink from the cooler? Maybe one of those Carnation Shakes and a bottle of water.” Danielle led her to the open trunk and rummaged around in a large, red ice chest before producing a few drinks. Ella accepted the can and bottle of water, but instead of opening them, she held them up to her face as a makeshift ice pack. “Right!” said Danielle as she did the same. “It’s supposed to get up to 114 degrees here. No thank you! It’s not nearly as hot at home.” Ella was thankful for that. She tried to recall what town they said they lived in, but she couldn’t remember. Santa something or other. All she knew was that it was going to be a long long drive. “Let me help Ella get situated and then we can go.” She heard coming from the front. Heather turned off the engine and climbed out of the front seat. Ella walked back to the open side door and peered in. She frowned while staring at the booster seat. She had hoped it would just be a little thing she could sit on and hide with her body, but this looked more like a full on car seat. Ella let out a defeated sigh before setting her drinks on the back seat and crawling over. When she sat in it ,the first thing she noticed was that she was much higher as she looked out the van window. It almost felt like sitting in a bus or a truck. Heather climbed in behind her and started fiddling with the straps. “Ella,” Heather suddenly whispered. “Rose is right. I don’t want you to worry or be stressed. We can worry about’ what we’re going to do when we get home. For right now, I want you to just take it easy. I know it scares you, sweetie, that’s why I’m not going to force you right now. Especially not out in public while we’re just getting to know each other. And I know you’re not thrilled about this arrangement, but I think it’s for the best. You don’t need to be embarrassed if you end up using it, that’s what it’s there for. Just let me know when you need a fresh one. I’ll check and see how you’re doing when we stop.” Ella felt her face flush with embarrassment. She hadn’t been planning on using it. She could control her bladder just fine. There was an awkward pause as Heather seemed to struggle to find her words. “But I have to admit, I’m out of practice… with the other kind of...you know. I’d really appreciate it if you let let me know if you have to...really go. Wet diapers is one thing, but…I know it scares you, but, if you’d be willing to try. Even if you can’t, we can figure something out.” Ella quickly nodded her head. There was NO WAY she would willingly do that in the car. There would be no hiding that kind of accident. Heather looked relieved. More than relieved even, like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “We’ll figure something out for you.” Ella didn’t know what she meant by, “something” but it sounded better than sitting in her own waste for god only knew how long while Danielle held her nose and shot her dirty looks. Heather handed Ella her drinks back, “Doctor Richmond says he wants you to drink three of these a day.” she said, holding up the can of meal replacement shake. “They're supposed to help you gain weight since you don’t seem to like to eat.” Ella scowled as she looked at the can in her hands. “They're surprisingly not bad. I had one the other day.” Ella was doubtful. “It’s very hot, so I want you to stay hydrated.” Heather pointed to the shake and bottle of water. Please drink those before we make our first stop in LA.” Ella opened up the bottle of water and took a swig. “Good girl.” Heather praised, rubbing her hand through the girls short hair. “Would you like your art box up front with you?” Ella nodded her head eagerly. Heather reached into the back and handed it to her, but not without a warning of, "absolutely no paint." Ella tore into the box, quickly retrieving the drawing pad and as many colored pencils she could fit in her lap before setting the rest of the contents by her feet. Once Danielle had climbed into the seat next to her, Heather slid the door closed and climbed back up front. Ella watched out the window as Heather backed out of the parking spot and drove onto the main road. As much as Ella detested the fact that she still needed a booster seat, she had to admit it was fun riding so high up off the ground. It felt like she was soaring over the open road and towards her new home. ………………………………………………………………………………………………. Once they had hit the freeway, the excitement of looking out the window quickly turned dull. The scenery of tall buildings had almost at once turned into a monotonous desert scene. Ella tried to entertain herself by counting cactus, but soon there were too many to count. Instead she began counting Denny’s. In the last hour she had counted six of the big, yellow signs off the freeway. Danielle had zoned out almost as soon as they had hit the road, her attention completely transfixed to the Dvd player. Ella had given her several glances in the hope they would make eye contact and could have a conversation, but she had soon given up on the idea. She tried to follow along with the movie, but as usual, she soon grew restless and bored. Movies and tv had never been able to hold her attention for long. Ella reached for her water bottle, but found it empty. In an attempt to please her new mom, she had guzzled it down within the first ten minutes. She eyed the health shake. Was she really that thirsty? She was. She pulled the tab and gave it a sniff. When nothing foul reached her nostrils, she tentatively took a sip. A slightly off after taste, but it really wasn’t that bad. She’d had worse in the hospital. She sipped on her shake as she tried with one hand to draw the scenery on her sketch pad. Her cactus ended up looking more like pitchforks she thought, but it was something to pass the time. Once her shake was gone, she let the empty can fall to her feet. With both hands free, she was able to put her full concentration into her drawing. Ella would switch on and off between gazing at the landscape and trying to recreate it on paper. It was still mostly cactus, but at least now they weren’t so uniform, nor did they look like they should be held in the hands of an angry mob of villagers. Next she drew a billboard with with a little fork and knife symbol next to a gas pump. Over it she drew a sign for Denny’s. It seemed only fitting since they had passed one in almost every town they seemed to drive by. It wasn’t until she made a second smaller sign saying “Rest Stop Next Exit” did she notice her bladder give a small twinge. Great, she thought to herself, not even two hours into the drive. She’d have to hold it until… until… how long would she have to hold it? Until they stopped somewhere? And then what, actually use the bathroom like a normal person? She laughed bitterly to herself. Wouldn’t that simplify her life. Not a single shrink, psychiatrist, or hell, even herself knew what the problem was. She’d just have to distract herself until the feeling went away. Ella threw herself back into her drawing, only periodically looking up at the screen when Danielle let out a chuckle. She was so focused she hadn’t realized the movie had finished and her foster sister had begun watching her draw. Ella had been particularly focused on a single cacti stalk with a pair of nearby boulders when Danielle’s voice made her bolt upright. “Are you drawing a dick?” “No!” Ella said loud and clear. Danielle’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? So you can talk.” Ella turned to the very back of her sketch pad and ripped out a page before writing her response. “You surprised me is all.” Danielle looked at it puzzled. “So you don’t talk on purpose?” she asked. Ella shook her head. “Words get stuck in my throat and won’t come out.” “But… But you just said ‘no’. I heard you.” Danielle insisted. “You scared it out of me.” Danielle read the note, a feeling of annoyance rising inside her. Little kids and their lies. Did her mom actually buy this bullshit? How long was she going to pretend to be mute for? Clearly she could talk just fine. What else was she lying about? Danielle wondered to herself as she flipped through the binder of movies she had brought with her. Her age probably. She couldn’t be ten, there’s was no way! She had a seven year old cousin bigger than her. Not to mention she was 90% sure Ella was wearing a diaper. She had seen a peak of it under her skirt when she had gotten into the van. “How about you let Ella pick the next movie.” Heather said, glancing at them from the rear view mirror as Danielle was in the middle of sliding her next choice out of its sleeve. Ella tried to sign, ‘ no thanks’, but the binder had been thrust into her lap before she could object. She halfheartedly flipped through the pages trying to find something she recognized. Worried she was taking too much time, she hastily pulled out a dvd and handed it to Danielle. “Heh, haven’t seen this in forever.” Danielle said before sliding it in and pressing play. “Whatcha girls watching?” asked Heather. “Mulan.” “Dishonor on you!” said Heather. “Dishonor on your family!” Danielle replied. “Dishonor on your cow!” They said in unison before bursting out in a fit of giggles. Ella’s gaze went from Heather back to Danielle with an expression of mild confusion. “Haven’t you seen this before?” Danielle asked. Ella shook her head. “What? Where you been living?” Ella wanted to answer, “the hospital” but instead shrugged and sat back in her seat as she tried to take her mind off her uncomfortably full bladder. Ella found she was more amused by Heather and Danielle singing all the songs than she was by the actual movie. It wasn’t bad though. She assumed she would have enjoyed it more if she hadn’t of had to pee so bad. She was crossing and uncrossing her legs by mid movie, and by the time the credits were rolling, she could hardly sit still longer than a minute or two. “Ella, are you okay back there?” Heather asked. Ella gave her the thumbs up, even though she felt far from it. “Are you girls about ready for a break? I know I could sure use a break from driving.” “Yes!” Danielle said. “My butt hurts.” Heather took the next exit and pulled into a Denny’s parking lot. Ella would have found it humorous had it not been for her current situation. Heather shut off the engine and the automatic back door began to slowly slide open. “Bathroom!” Danielle called hopping out of the van. “Go on ahead of us. We’ll meet you inside.” Heather said. Danielle wasted no time in scampering off into the diner without a single glance back. Heather came around and began to un-clip the harness securing Ella in. “You okay back here?” she asked. Ella shrugged and fidgeted in her seat. “Need a change?” she asked in a lower voice. Ella blushed but shook her head again. “You sure? It’s okay if you do, we’ve been on the road for a while.” Ella looked away. Heather offered Ella a hand up and they both exited the van. “Do you want to try and use the bathroom before we sit down and order lunch?” Those were her only choices now. Face her fears and use the bathroom or have an accident in the diaper and have to be cleaned up by Heather. With her heart thumping she nodded her head. “That a girl.” Heather praised as she took the girls hand and led her inside. Rose must have told her she had a tendency to bolt, Ella thought. Ella gripped Heather’s hand tighter as they neared the door that said, “Women,”. “Oh, honey, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Heather whispered, feeling Ella’s hand begin to sweat. “Would it help if you closed your eyes and I carried you?” Ella shook her head. That’s what Rose usually had to do, but Ella doubted it would help. She began to breathe harder as Heather opened the bathroom door. “What’s wrong?” Danielle asked stepping away from the sink as she dried her hands with a paper towel. “She’s scared.” Heather said, as Ella had stopped walking and stood transfixed to the spot. “Of what?” “The bathroom.” Heather replied. “Uhh, what, why? That’s weird.” Danielle said. Ella could feel hot tears begin to prickle in her eyes. All she had to do was walk in and sit on the toilet. She had done it a million times in her life, so why? “Aww honey, it’s okay.” Heather said lifting her up. She was astonished at how light she was. “It’s okay, you don’t have to worry about this right now.” Heather whispered. Ella buried her face in Heather's shoulder and let out silent sobs. “Can you go get us a table please, I’m just going to take Ella outside for a minute.” Danielle shrugged and walked to the hostess booth as Heather walked back to the van. She opened the side door and set Ella down on the seat. Ella squirmed and planted herself on the edge. “Ella, honey, don’t do that, it’s okay.” Heather said, leaning over her. “Do you need to..umm… GO go?” Ella shook her head. “Then what’s the problem? Just go ahead and go if you need to.” Ella picked up a pencil and wrote in the back of her book. “It’s gross and embarrassing.” Heather couldn’t argue with her there. “I know, but if you can’t use the bathroom, you don’t have any other options.” Heather said. She waved a hand through Ella’s hair and down her tear streaked face. “I tried.” Ella mouthed. “I know you did.” Heather said. “Tell you what, how about we walk around the building a bit, and after a lap, we come back and I can get you cleaned up. Or, if you want some privacy, you can stand on the other side of the van by yourself, take a deep breathe, and just relax and get it over with.” Ella thought about it for a moment, until she realized she didn’t have a choice. She wished she could just take the stupid thing off and squat beside the van, but it was a busy parking lot, and people would wonder why she couldn’t go a couple extra feet inside and use the bathroom. She sniffled and got up out of the van, before motioning that she’d be on the other side. “I’ll be here if you need me.” Heather said. Ella paced back and forth for a bit before stopping. Was she really gonna do this? A spasm from her bladder told her she didn’t have a choice. She looked left and right to make sure no one was watching her. Once the coast was clear, she leaned her back against the van, spread her legs a little, shut her eyes tight and let nature take its course.

Thank you ^^ i'm a bit out of practise with writing and it's getting tricky coming up with an idea that hasn't been done to death.

Chapter Two “Thank you.” Heather said, accepting the luke warm cup of coffee from Rose. She sipped on it periodically as she weighed her options. Heather had heard Ella’s story from a friend, and her heart had broken for her. Now she began to realize how little she actually knew about her. Sure, Heather had talked to Ella’s case worker on the phone, but the information she had received seemed incomplete now. She had come to collect this girl only knowing a small fraction of her backstory. Her mother was deceased, her father wasn’t in the picture and she had previously had leukemia. That was all she was told. So why was she only now being told Ella had obviously witnessed some kind of horrific trauma? Had Ella walked in to find her mother's deceased body in the bathroom? Had she heard the gunshot and come to investigate? Is that why she wouldn’t talk? Heather shuddered as she pictured a young girl coming across her mothers brains splattered across the bathroom. Would Ella ever be the same again? And then, the toileting issues. This she had not expected. She was way past the stage in her life where she was willing to change diapers. She hadn’t had to change a diaper in ten years! And babies were one thing, but a ten year old? Heather sipped on her coffee again trying to take it all in. Was Rose trying to dissuade her from taking Ella? “I just want to make sure you’re prepared.” Rose had said. Prepare her? More like making her second guess herself. Heather felt more like a witness on the stand, with Rose as an attorney poking holes in everything she said she had planned. “A cell phone isn’t a good idea, it’s not good for her to rely on that for communication.” “No top bunk, Ella is prone to nightmares and could roll off.” “Ella doesn’t like watching tv, maybe try a board game night instead of a movie night.” Every Friday night was movie night, it was Heather and her daughters time to curl up together on the couch and relax. Who was Rose to come in and tell her to change just because they were adding a new member of the family. “Is there anything else I should know?” Heather asked, trying to keep the mild irritation out of her voice. Rose stayed silent for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. “I’m sorry if I’m being pushy.” “I could be wrong, but It’s almost like you don’t want me to take her.” Heather admitted. “No no, it’s nothing like that!” Rose said, waving her hands back and forth. “ My biggest fear is that, you’ll take her, decide you can’t handle her and bring her back. It would crush her. She’s been through so much. I want her to have a stable family. ” Rose paused and twirled a finger through her brown curls. “Ella is...” She paused again, seemingly fighting to find the right word. “Young for her age.” Heather nodded. She took another sip as an awkward pause filled the small break room. “How young?” “Well, she’s two years behind in school, but since she came back. I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.” “If you had to guess.” “Six or seven. The stress you know, of whatever happened. Finding a good child psychologist in your area would probably be a good first step.” Heather nodded. This she agreed with. “Have social services been by yet?” “Yes, all the paperwork's been signed. Charlie, Danielle and I are ready.” “Shall we then?” ……………………………………………………………………………. Ella was a tad bit anxious when Heather and Rose hadn’t returned after ten minutes. Once half an hour had passed, she was down right convinced Heather had decided she didn’t want her anymore and Rose was just stalling for time. It had taken less than five minutes to show her new foster sister her drawings she kept in a binder. Danielle had nodded politely and smiled at all the right times, but Ella had the sinking suspicion she wasn’t as “good for her age” as the staff made her out to be. With every turn of the page the possibility was looking more and more likely, Ella decided. Ella looked at her drawings with a more critical eye and let out a small sigh of disappointment. With only a limited number of crayons, a dull handful of colored pencils and a blue pen, he pictures were anything but professional. Three months ago, on the one year anniversary of her hospitalization, Rose had bought her a box of 64 count of crayons. The big box that every kid dreamed of having. The one that even had a sharpener on the back! Ella had her suspicions it was less out of the goodness of her heart, and more to get her to stop stealing them from out of “Kids Korner” where they kept all the games, toys and coloring books. Ella had made the mistake of bringing them with her where another nurse forced her to share. The small children promptly broke them within the hour. Those crayons had been one of her sole possessions and she was inconsolable as a result. “Kids Korner” was supposed to be a playroom of sorts so the kids could interact instead of feeling trapped and isolated in their rooms, but all Ella saw it as was a breeding ground for germs, and ever since the crayon fiasco she harbored a dislike for small children. Remission or not, she didn’t trust her immune system enough to risk it, lest she end up the in ICU again with walking aspiration pneumonia. Rose said she got it from throwing up so much she had breathed it into her lungs and that’s what “aspirating” meant. Ella had written on a piece of paper she thought it meant “butt sweat” and showed it to her. It had taken Rose almost a solid minute to stop laughing and explain “ass” and “perspiring” were two separate words and were not usually used in the same sentence. It had from that moment on become their inside joke to say, or in Ella's case write, that “it was so hot in here she was aspirating”. “What are these?” Danielle asked, flipping through the very back of Ella’s binder. Most of her pictures were realistic images ; Animals, sunsets, people, but these were different. Ella didn’t show these pictures off, and she couldn’t really explain why she had drawn them, but when she was in a bad mood she went to town with that black crayon making nonsensical patterns. Ella shook her head and reached for the binder back before putting it back in the cubby hole. Anyway, she was done showing off her childish doodles, although a part deep inside (well maybe not THAT deep) longed for the praise and attention she gardened when she showed them off. “So, uh.” Danielle stammered. The passing seconds were becoming more and more awkward. Ella pointed to the tv, then to Danielle as a way of asking what her favorite shows were, “Oh, you want to watch tv?” Ella tried to shake her head “no,” but Danielle reached for the remote and turned it on. It took Danielle all of ten seconds to realize she only got channels 1 through 10. Three of those were nothing but static, one was a local news station, two were public access channels, another two in Spanish, and one that played nothing but “Judge Judy” and “People’s Court” reruns. Danielle settled on the only one that seemed bearable, Family Feud with Steve Harvey. On three separate occasions Steve told the “Roger’s” family they couldn’t say that on television, and all three times their answers were on the board. Danielle laughed the hardest when the question “Name something that gets passed around” and a contestant answered “your mom.” Ella didn't understand what was so funny, but she grinned when Steve threw his cue cards in the air and walked off the stage. Just when Ella had almost given up on getting to go home with Heather, a knock on the door announced their return. A nervous excitement filled Ella's stomach, This was it, she was finally leaving this place! No more sick little kids, no more IVs, no more shots, no more doctors, no more Ro- her heart sank a little. No more Rose. She looked at the plump, middle aged, Hispanic woman fondly. Ella would miss her most of all. She tried not to think about it as Heather began collecting what few possessions Ella had. “Hey, Danielle,” Rose said, handing her the now packed box. “Why don’t you load this in the car while we finish getting your new sister situated.” As soon as Danielle left, Heather pulled up a chair and Rose stood next to her bed. She felt Rose gently place a hand on her shoulder and heard her whisper, “Please don’t fight.” Ella gave them both a quizzical look. “We have a long trip ahead of ourselves, and I know your having some. . . problems.” Heather said. Her smile was kind, but Ella saw it was one full of sympathy. Something was about to happen, something she knew she wasn’t going to like. “I know it’s going to take time to work through them and it’s going to take time for you to trust me, so we figured it would be best if for the car ride, and maybe a little longer, if we didn’t push you too hard.” Ella was confused. What were they talking about? She looked to Rose who was holding a piece of clothing in her hand. She set it on the bed before drawing the curtain around herself and Ella. “Lay back, hun, I’ll get you situated and then you can head out.” Ella did as she was told, It wasn’t until a skirt was removed and a diaper fell out that she put two and two together. The were going to put her in a diaper for the car ride! She sat bolt upright and backed as far as she could from Rose while shaking her head. “ Ella, please.” Rose said. Ella shook her head again while hugging her knees to her chest, She pointed to herself and signed “toilet.” Rose smiled, but had her doubts. “Will you or are you just saying that?” Ella didn’t respond, just continued staring at the floor. “Can we trust you to speak up?” Ella signed toilet again. “She’s driving, how will you get her attention?” Ella tapped Rose on the arm and signed toilet. Rose thought about it for a moment. “Alright, prove that you’ll use the toilet right now and I won’t diaper you.” Ella stared at her then slowly shifted her gaze to the closed bathroom door. Ella scowled. Feeling determined to prove them wrong, she got out of bed only stopping once she reached the door. She looked back at Rose, sending her a pleading look. Rose only nodded and said, “go on”. Ella took a deep breath and opened the door. She took one step inside and froze. Ella felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her legs felt paralyzed. She had to do this or else she’d be in a diaper in front of her new family. She just had to… Ella hung her head in shame and walked back before collapsing on the bed in a fit of tears. She couldn’t do it. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay.” Rose said rubbing her back. “See, it will be better this way. Less stressful for everyone.” Ella didn’t respond, just continued to cry into her pillow. “No more tears, little one. This is supposed to be a happy day.” Rose gently lifted her up and put her on her lap, periodically bouncing her as one would a small child. Ella wrapped her hands around Rose and buried her face into her. “Danielle doesn’t have to know. It can be our secret.” Heather said. Rose waited for Ella’s sobs to turn into sniffles before lifting her up and putting her down on her back on the bed. “You better behave now. You wouldn’t want the monster to come out.” Ella quieted down almost immediately and gave her a look as if to say, “you wouldn’t”. “Duh nuh.” hummed Rose. She continued humming as her hand inched her way closer. “Duh nuh.” Ella slowly backed away. “Duh nuh..Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh.” Her hand shot forward as fingers made their way across Ella’s ribs. Ella let out a squeal of laughter as she tried to curl into a ball to fend off the attack. Rose finally stopped after a good minute, leaving the girl panting and gasping for breath albeit with a large smile on her face. “Okay, it’s time to calm down and get this over with.” Rose said. “Lay out straight.” Ella reluctantly stretched her legs out and laid back down on her back. She winced as she heard the crinkling. Sure, it wouldn’t be her first time being diapered here, but that was different. She had pneumonia then and couldn’t control her bowels when she coughed. She was too sick to even feel embarrassed when an orderly walked in and nearly gagged at the smell. She vaguely remembered Rose scolding her about not telling her she had had an accident. Several accidents actually, but she really didn’t care that she was lying in her own waste. She was that sick. She had fallen back asleep while Rose was trying to do damage control and woke up in a diaper. It hadn’t bothered her then, but now. . . Ella could feel her face burning as Rose lifted up her legs and slid it underneath her. She had no fever to distract her, no pounding headache or nausea. All she could feel was the soft material under her butt and the hyper awareness of her foster mother just a foot or two away. Was she having second thoughts? What did she think of her now? Ella could feel Rose rubbing powder in between her legs and butt. She didn’t mind Rose doing this, but the thought of Heather changing her made her eyes sting with fresh tears. “What happens at the hospital stays at the hospital” Rose would say when Ella had been a new patient. Of course she had been embarrassed then, for a little while at least. She had gotten used to having no privacy rather quickly, but this felt different. Wrong even. She would be leaving the hospital in it. She was going out into the real world, and in the real world, ten year olds didn’t need diapers. “All done,” Rose said finishing with the tapes. Ella couldn’t even put her legs together. “It won’t, you know, leak in her booster seat will it?” Heather asked. Ella’s mouth hung open. Booster seat!? She mouthed the words to Rose. Wasn’t that for little kids? She hadn’t needed one since she was five! “Just give her a change at the halfway point and you should be fine.” Rose said to Heather, before turning to Ella. “You’ve lost a lot of weight kiddo, and you haven’t grown like a normal ten year old. You don’t want your new mom to get a ticket do you?” This, Ella thought, was not a good start to her new life. She shook her head as she finished getting dressed. Danielle had come back in the room and was standing in the doorway waiting. “I have something to give you before you leave.” Rose said. Ella watched her open a closet and come back out with a wrapped box. Ella’s eyes grew big as Rose handed it to her. She smiled as she tore at the paper. Her smile turned into a wide, beaming, grin as she revealed the contents. A large 83 count set of art supplies. It had colored pencils, oil pastels, watercolors, brushes, a sketch pad and drawing pencils. Ella flung her arms around Rose’s neck as Rose laughed and returned the hug. In a voice so small she wouldn’t have heard if the room hadn’t been absolutely silent, Ella said, “I’ll miss you.” Rose eyes prickled with tears. She had spoken! “I’m gonna miss you too.” and with one more hug farewell, Rose watched the small girl leave with her new family. She only hoped she’d never have to see her here again.

Thanks ^^ I hope I can get the next chapter up in a reasonable amount of time.

What Happened to Ella Marsh? “Ella, would you come in here, I’ve got the bath running.” a female voice called out from the bathroom in a flat monotone pitch. Wake up! Please wake up! Not this dream again, please! As if on cue, dream Ella lifted her head out of the bucket before wiping the vomit from the corner of her chin with the back of her hand. It was another rough night thanks to the chemotherapy. Her legs shook as she slowly stood, trying to resist the urge to vomit from the effort. She grasped the bedpost to steady herself and surveyed the damage. Regurgitated chicken covered her nightgown, as well as the bed covers. This had almost become a nightly ritual. “The bath is ready.” “Coming!” Ella yelled back in response. Don’t go in there! Wake up! Ella took one shaky step, then another, holding onto every surface she could along the way for support. She stopped for a moment, taking in her frail form in the mirror. Her eyes were sunken. Her skin gave off a ghostly white glow. Her cheekbones protruded from her face. And of course, her bald head. She slid her hand over the top, missing the black curls that had been there two months before. She turned her attention once again to the light coming from the end of the hall. Ella’s heart hammered as she inched forward. In her mind she wanted to stop and turn back. Her feet had other plans. They propelled her body forward despite the owners objection. She stood in the doorway to the bathroom as the feeling of dread washed over her, more intense with every passing second. She felt a hand tighten around her arm and she let out a yell of fright. ……………………………………………………………………………………. “Hey, you, it’s time to wake up.” Ten year old Ella jumped and let out a startled moan. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Rose said, with a slight smile. Ella turned to see the nurses hand still on her arm. She breathed a sigh of relief as she began to come to her senses. “Were you having a bad dream?” Rose asked. Ella nodded her head. “I’m sorry, sweetie, do you want to talk about it?” Ella shook her head. It had been almost a year since she had last spoken. She sat up in bed and looked around her hospital room for what she hoped would be the last time. She was going home with a new family today. As if reading her mind, Rose asked.” Are you excited?” Ella made a “so-so” motion with her hand by turning it side to side. “Nervous?” Ella pinched her fingers together leaving a small space in between. “It’s not going to be the same here without you.” Ella smiled slightly. It had taken nearly six months to find someone willing to take her in givin her medical history. Nobody wanted a child with cancer, even if she was officially in remission. Not to mention she came with more baggage than an airplane. Rose ran her fingers through the short stubble on Ella’s head as Ella leaned her head toward her. She loved the sensation of fingers on her scalp. “Heather and Danielle will be here in the next hour, so let’s start getting you ready. First I need to check your vitals.” The small girl held out her left arm as the Rose placed her middle and index fingers on the inside of Ellas wrist. “Pulse is good.” Rose said before writing the number 76 on the whiteboard next to the large letter “P” Next came her blood pressure. Ella stared at the words written on the board as the navy blue cuff began to fill with air. “Daily Goals” Eat at least half of every meal. Draw a picture. Take medication. Use the toilet at least once a day “Long Term Goals” Gain twenty pounds Talk with Words not gestures. Become famous artist Use bathroom unassisted Ella squirmed as the nurse finished with her vitals. “Looking good, kiddo.” Rose said as she wrote down the results of her blood pressure. “Breakfast will be here soon, but before that.” Ella gave her a pleading look, but Rose shook her head. “I know you don’t like it, but you need to start getting used to it. “ Ella could feel the tears starting to fill her eyes. She waved her head from side to side defiantly. Rose sighed and sat on the edge of Elle’s bed. “I wish you would tell me what’s going through your mind.” Ella shook her head again, letting the tears spill down her cheeks. “How can I help you if you don’t tell me what the problem is?” Chair, Ella signed with her hands. She was starting to fidget more. “I know you want the chair, but you need to start using the restroom.” Ella stuck her palm out facing forward to indicate NO! “Yes, look at me” Rose said. “You’re going home with your new family today. The chair isn’t going with you. What will you do when you have to go to the bathroom?” Hold it. “Forever?” Yes. “I think you’ll have an accident before forever comes. Do you like having accidents?” No, gross. “Those are your options now. Bathroom or accident.” Ella sniffled as she placed a hand in between her legs. “C’mon, take my hand. You can do it.” Ella cried silently as she placed her free hand inside Rose’s. “That’s a good girl. You’ll be in and out in less than a minute.” Rose pulled her to her feet and led her across the room to the closed bathroom door. She frowned as she felt the cold sweat in the young girls hand. Out of curiosity, she stopped and checked her pulse. 130 bmp and rising. “Honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing’s going to hurt you in there.” Ella shook her head, nearly bawling. “What if I let you use the chair in the restroom. Would that help?” Ella shook her head no. She tried to turn and run, but Rose held her by the arm. “Don’t run away. We’ve been through this at least ten times now. The sooner you go in there and take care of business, the sooner you can leave.” No! Please no! Ella mouthed. “Then tell me what it is you’re so afraid of. Is it using the toilet? Does the toilet scare you?” Ella shook her head, still trying desperately to pull away. “Is it the flushing noise?” Ella shook her head again, closing her eyes tight as Rose opened the bathroom door. Rose sighed as Ella became dead weight. She looked in the small unit bathroom for some possible sign or clue as to what would cause her such fear. There were no shadows lurking in the corner, not a single sign of bugs. Just a sink, toilet, and bath surrounded by white linoleum tile on the floor with a cream color wallpaper. “Are you going to try to bite me again if I pick you up?” Rose asked. “Do I need to put your mouthguard in?” Ella didn't respond. “Honey, open your eyes. It’s okay.” Still no reply. “Will you walk to the toilet at least?” Rose sighed in defeat. This was as much progress as they had made in the last week. At least she wasn’t clawing and biting anymore. Rose bent down and picked her up with minor difficulty. At a mere 55 pounds, Ella was severely underweight and malnourished. The cancer treatment had delayed her growth, but as for her behaviour, Rose was at a loss. Did she somehow correlate bathrooms to being sick? Was her mind reliving the memories of chemo nausea when she stepped inside? No, that wasn’t it. She was fine using the portable commode, or what she referred to as the chair, but she had spent many nights with her face inside its pink bucket regurgitating her stomach’s contents. “I’m gonna set you down now, okay?” Rose lifted the girls hospital gown up and set her down. She tried to back away, but Ella still clung to her sobbing. “I need you to let go, I promise I won’t leave.” Ella shook her head, heaving and sputtering for air while clinging to the front of Roses scrubs. It broke Roses heart to do this to her, but it was what the Doctor wanted. Exposure therapy. “You’re fine. You’re fine. I’ve got you.” Rose whispered, rubbing the top of Ella’s head. The poor child was shaking now, and she doubted Ella would relax her body enough to pee anytime soon. She tried to distract her by talking about other things. She asked her what she was most looking forward to, but her question went unanswered. Her questions always went unanswered. She tried turning the faucet on, but it only seemed to heighten her anxiety. Five minutes went by, followed by ten. The hospitality staff had already come and gone, leaving Ella’s breakfast to grow cold on the table. “Anything?” Rose asked. Ella shook her head from in between the crook of Roses arm. “How about I get you back into bed then?” Ella nodded enthusiastically. “I think you gave it your best shot, but you’re just having a rough morning.” Rose grabbed her waist and lifted her back up. She peeked inside the toilet bowl, but it was as she expected, not a single drop. She set her back down on her feet outside the bathroom after closing the door, and Ella scampered off towards the bed, trying to put as much distance between her and the door as possible. Rose figured by the time she calmed down and finished her breakfast she’d have to go again. But then what? Repeat the process until something finally happened? And what if Heather and Danielle showed in the middle of one of her fits? They were aware of her issue, but what if it really hadn’t sunken in yet? “Go ahead and eat your breakfast. I’m going to go grab a few things.” Chair, Ella signed looking hopeful. “Dr. said no more chair, remember?” Rose said giving her a sympathetic smile. Ella let out a barely audible whimper. Rose took a quick glance behind her to make sure they were alone before leaning in close. “I’m not going to make you go back in there today, I promise.” The look of relief washed over Ella’s face, followed by confusion. Rose backed out of the room instructing Ella to eat. Ella looked down at the soggy looking toast and scrambled eggs. She poked at the eggs briefly with her plastic fork before taking a single bite of each. She pushed her plate aside resisting the urge to “ accidentally” dump it on the floor. The morning's events left her feeling a bit ornery. She reached by the side of the bed for her art supplies and pulled out the picture she had been working on. She wanted to have it done before her new foster mom, Heather, arrived. She had just finished putting the finishing touches on the horses mane when Rose came back pushing a cart of tubs and washcloths for her “bath”. “Is that all you’re going to eat?” Rose asked with a disappointed scowl. Ella just shrugged before placing her colored pencils and picture back in the shelf by her bed. Rose pulled the curtain around Ella’s bed giving them privacy. She helped Ella out of her dirty hospital gown, leaving her naked. “Go ahead and turn on your right side.” Ella frowned. This was not part of her routine. Was she about to get a shot in the butt? She tensed up expecting the worst, but instead of a needle she felt something hard and plastic cup her bottom half. Once instructed, Ella rolled back with the plastic pan resting under her. Once her brain registered what it was, she gave a slight push to get her bladder to start emptying. “He only said no commode,” Rose said with a wink. “Cheating I know, but I didn’t think you’d mind too much.” Ella grimaced slightly, feeling the urine run down the inside of her thighs and down her butt cheeks, before finally settling in the pan below. It was one of her least favorite methods, but her need to go outweighed her disgust. Rose nodded her approval at the sound of sloshing liquid. Ella didn’t mind the noise, in fact, she preferred it. She let the noises her body made speak for her. Rose didn’t have to ask if she’d gone pee yet when it trickled and drummed in the hollow basin. Even now she didn’t care that Rose watched her trying to squeeze out the last little bit before wiggling the droplets off her bottom . She had grown so accustomed to Rose’s presence when it came to her personal needs. Rose was the only one Ella trusted, and that trust had taken a long time to build. Ella gave the signal she was done. “Try and go number two.” Rose said. “You have a long drive ahead of you.” Ella scrunched up her face, and made a show of effort. She found they asked less embarrassing questions this way. Since nothing was going in, nothing was coming out so Ella signed she was ready again. “Let’s get you cleaned up before they get here.” Rose said. She rolled Ella off the bedpan before dumping the contents in the toilet. Ella listened to Rose talk about all the fun she would be having in her new home while she wiped her down with a warm, wet washcloth. It would be a six hour car ride from the hospitals’ children center she was staying at to her new family’s house, but Rose insisted it would be worth every minute. As Rose was helping her into a shirt, she commented on the picture Ella had been drawing. “You draw pretty well for your age.” Ella shrugged. She knew it was the only thing she did well for her age. She had missed the last two years of school, and the only way she could communicate was through baby sign language. She hadn’t always been like this. She used to talk, but something had changed. Was it from the cancer, or was it something else? Had something happened? She couldn’t quite remember. Ella looked down as Rose was putting socks on her feet. Pants. “We’re gonna hold off on that until I talk to Heather and see what she wants to do.” Rose explained. Ella gave her a puzzled look. “I’ll just cover you up with the blanket until then.” Ella passed the remaining time working on her picture. She was admiring her artwork when there was a knock on the door and in walked Heather. She beamed at Ella and Ella smiled back shyly. Danielle, Heather’s twelve year old daughter, came in after her giving a small wave. The group exchanged pleasantries and idle small talk until Rose suggested Ella show Danielle some of her pictures while herself and Heather talked. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………... , Rose led Heather down the hall and into the small conference room. “Are you all ready to take Ella home today?” Rose asked. “Oh yes, we’ve got half of Danielle’s room cleaned out and made a space for her. Danielle’s not too happy about having to share a room, but she’ll get over it. How’s she been doing? Have you been able to make any progress?” “We’ve been trying, but we haven’t gotten far. I wanted to bring up a few issues we’ve been having. You understand she’s non-verbal?” “Yes, and we’ve prepared for that. I know she’s only ten, but I decided to go ahead and get both her and Danielle cell phones. That way she can communicate through text if need be. So was she born non-verbal?” Rose shook her head. “Only for the last year. I was also working pediatrics when she was brought in during her chemo treatments. That girl could’ve talked your ear off, but then when she came back, she was completely different.” “Did something happen? Was it the cancer?” Rose shook her head again. “Her dr. thinks it’s all psychological. It’s some kind of post traumatic disorder.” She paused for a minute as she thought of the best way to explain. “You know her mother committed suicide, right?” “Oh no, I didn’t know that.” Heather said frowning. “I knew she had passed away but…” “Right in the middle of Ella’s treatments. She was never the same since, so I think a large chunk of her behavioral issues stem from that.” Rose said before letting out a sigh. “But for the life of me… the bathroom thing, I just can’t figure it out. She acts like going in a bathroom for anything is going to kill her. She’s terrified.” “I’ve never heard of a child being afraid of bathrooms, but hey, a mailbox closed on my fingers once when I was little. Wouldn’t go near one for two years.” “Ella was in the house when her mother shot herself.” Rose said grimly. Heather covered her mouth. “Did she see… anything?” “She must have, she hasn’t spoken ever since. You don’t walk away from something like that without a few screws loose. I’m really happy to see her going to a real home now. Maybe that’s what she needs, some stability.” Heather nodded. “Poor kid.” The two women sat in silence for a minute. “Any ideas how we should handle the bathroom situation?” “I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s going to be rough at first. I’m hoping she’ll move past this if she’s put in a routine. She hasn’t been able to go alone yet; she’ll honestly cling to you the entire time and cry. I’d suggest start slow, give her time to adjust to her new surroundings. Maybe set up a camping toilet somewhere if you don’t want to deal with accidents.” Rose said with a shrug. “Or you could jump right into it, if she has to go she uses the bathroom.” Heather bit her lip. “It’ll be like potty training all over again.” “In a way.” Rose admitted. “To be honest, I’d stick with plan A. Give her time, and you can always encourage her to use the bathroom, but I don’t think it wise to force it. The dr. has been trying to force it, and she’s only taken a step back. She’s very young for her age.” Heather nodded again. “And what about the car ride? Six hours is a long drive. “Well that’s up to you. It’s your car. I wouldn’t trust her to speak up, and I’d be quite shocked if you actually got her to use a toilet on the drive back. Like you said, six hours is a long drive. I think we should diaper her.”

Hmm maybe it's different for everyone? I have a friend who won't write a single thing without a huge detailed outline. I cant come up with a SINGLE thing planning things out XD I sit staring at an empty computer screen or piece of paper. I take all my stories sentence by sentence never knowing where it's going to go. Some people tell me WOW what a twist! I never saw that coming! And I laugh because I didn't either =P

Thank you ^^ That was very well thought out! I genre hop. Once I tried romance, comedy, another time mystery, etc etc. You are definitely NOT the first person to say the story has a split personality. XD That's been the major complaint so far, with good reason. I'm trying to iron the kinks out. Think of this as a very rough first draft. I had written this for Nanowrimo. You don't have a plot in mind, you just write without really thinking. I am working on a different version of this to make it sound even. I didn't get a clear plot until half way through. That's why it takes such a sudden dark turn.

Thank you! ^^

So, yeah, just finished posting the last of what I have done. I haven't worked on it in a few weeks. I've been going through and re-writing in from the beginning because I wrote myself into a corner. I know there aren't too many diaper scenes in this, so many (most)

Taking a chance and throwing this up here. I could use some help to make it better. Proofreading and editing aren't my strong suits. Love to hear your feedback (good or bad) I can take it XD