Shy-Diapers

Charlotte sighed. She wished she could get Jessica to see that Lani wasn’t mean and that she had hurt the new girl. She was just grateful she was going to the table. She put on a smile at the table and poured milk for everyone. The kids had plastic cups, but they didn’t have lids. Lani looked up at Tom when Charlotte and Jessica came downstairs. She waited until he told her she could before she started eating. Once she was sure she was allowed, she rapidly dug in. The girl was starving and worried about where her next meal would come from.

Lani squirmed at the table. She was doing her best to sit still but it was really hard to control herself. She was starving and the food was already plated up right in front of her. She nodded when Tom asked if she’d eaten the lasagna Charlotte had made before. She didn’t take her eyes off her plate though, wanting desperately to start eating. Charlotte sighed and shook her head. “It’s fine. Come down to eat.” She said gently. “I told you earlier, it’s fine to talk to her and to be around her. It’s not nice to say hurtful things or talk about her. If she doesn’t want to talk to you that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to her. You do have to use kind words though.” She reminded in a gentle tone.

Lani stared at the flood in embarrassment. She wasn’t sure the last time she went shopping. “Uhm, before Mommy got sick.” She mumbled quietly. She frowned when he left her all alone and wanted him to come back. As soon as he did, she clung to his leg. She didn’t want him to leave her again. Even though he was gone for mere minutes, she worried he wouldn’t come back. She wanted to be with him still. She felt a little funny wearing a nightgown that was too big for her, but admittedly she did prefer it to the clothes of hers that were too tight. Shortly after Tom and Leilani came down, Charlotte was setting the table. “Dinner is ready.” She told them before heading upstairs. She poked her head into Jessica’s room and smiled. “Come on honey, dinner is ready.”

Lani seemed satisfied that Tom believed her. She nodded and tried to focus on anything but her hair. She was happy that Tom didn’t see her as a baby and he told her she could do things everyone else did. When Tom finally finished washing and subsequently brushing her hair, she was fighting tears. It was much better looking and she was relieved it was over. But it definitely hurt the poor girl’s head. The pulling and tugging from how poorly it was taken care of was a lot for her to handle. “Am I finished?” She whimpered out. She was emotionally exhausted and the bath had drained most of the energy she had left.

Lani didn’t really know how she was supposed to settle in, but extrapolated that Tom saying to let them take care of her meant that she shouldn’t fight them on things. She’d have to try her best to listen and behave. She flinched a bit when he brushed her cheek, closing her eyes tightly. She was jumpy and on edge. When she was back in the bathtub she was a little calmer, though she was clearly in distress from how tangled her hair was. She did her best not to make any sounds, but whimpered as Tom dealt with her poorly managed hair. “I can do what everyone else does!” She insisted, interpreting Tom’s statement as one of her being a baby. In her mind she was fully capable of doing everything all of her peers could. Aside from making friends that is, but that didn’t matter much to Lani. She had other things to worry about.

“More than one?” Lani asked in surprise. “What do I gotta do?” She asked with a skeptical expression. She wasn’t used to getting things just because, so she was naturally curious to what she needed to do in return for the toys and new clothes. She frowned and looked down when Tom started talking about getting clean. She was embarrassed and uncomfortable. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been bathed by anyone, and certainly didn’t think she’d ever been washed in someone’s lap. She stayed quiet after that, trying desperately to stay still but she felt the need to move and squirm.

Leilani didn’t respond to most of what Tom was saying. She was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say or do. She wasn’t thrilled by Tom washing her, but she knew she couldn’t say or do anything. She also didn’t appreciate being told she wasn’t capable of doing something she’d been doing just fine in her mind. “I have clothes in my bag.” She mumbled when Tom mentioned shopping for her. She did in fact have a few pieces of clothing in her tattered backpack. She wasn’t used to anyone going shopping for her, let alone going with them. She also wasn’t used to anyone asking her what she wanted. “Can I get a stuffie?” She asked meekly. That was really the only thing she could think of that she’d want. She had some toys at home but she didn’t really play with them often. She really wanted a stuffed toy though. “All the kids in my class have them.” She added as an afterthought.

Lani blushed bright red when Tom told her she wasn’t clean. She frowned and stared at her feet. She did her best. She washed herself how she always did and didn’t see why it wasn’t enough. She nodded silently when he asked if that’s how she always did it. She didn’t know what was wrong about it. She didn’t say anything the more he talked. She was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say or do. Charlotte sighed. Maybe Jessica just needed some time to cool off. She shook her head and went to the kitchen to start making dinner. Hopefully tomorrow would go more smoothly. Seeing how much Jessica was struggling was making her doubt if taking in Leilani was a good idea.

“It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t mean. I’ve told you it’s not nice to talk about people in front of them.” Charlotte said sternly. She was getting tired of repeating herself. “You can talk to her if you want so long as you’re nice. If she doesn’t respond that’s okay. I’m just telling you to be kind to her and not do things that I’ve told you are not nice. You don’t need to worry about helping her. That’s Daddy’s and my job.” She explained again, hiding how frustrated she was getting. Lani swallowed hard as Tom talked to her. She didn’t know how to respond when he continued to talk about the food. She was scared of getting in trouble, and now she didn’t have food to eat later if they didn’t give her dinner. She frowned and took the washcloth Tom had gotten her and started to wash herself. She did as good of a job as a kid her age could do considering nobody ever taught her how to bathe herself. She was missing a lot of spots though and wasn’t able to fully get clean.

Lani looked down in embarrassment when Tom looked at her shoes. She shrugged a bit. “They’re the ones that fit me best.” She said truthfully. She had a couple pairs of shoes at home but her sneakers fit her the best, though it didn’t say much. She blushed when it was time to undress. She took her overalls and shirt off and then her underwear. She wasn’t used to undressing in front of very many people. She climbed into the bathtub, still on edge and worried. The girl’s face went pale when she saw Tom discover the chicken nuggets she’d stashed in her pocket. She didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry!” She said in a panic. “I won’t do it again!” Charlotte sighed. “It doesn’t matter if you weren’t trying to be mean. It’s not nice to talk about people in front of them. It hurts people’s feelings.” She shook her head. “She’s not stealing anyone. I’ve told you it’s not nice to talk about people when they’re around and you know it hurts your feelings when people do it to you. You’re going into fifth grade soon and you know how to be nice.” She looked serious at Jessica. “You’re a big girl. You’re double digits now. I expect you to be nice and to think about how your actions affect other people. Part of being a big kid and a big sister is showing that you can listen to what the grown ups say.” “You can always ask for attention. Daddy and I will always do our best to give you it. You know that.” She said kindly, hugging her close when she climbed into her lap.

Lani nodded. The compromise Tom suggested seemed fair to her. “I’m almost eight.” She corrected though, not wanting Tim to be mistaken on her age. She didn’t mind it, but felt like he should know how old she is. She nodded and took her shoes and socks off, her feet having blistered and her shoes having holes in the soles. She started to worry when he mentioned undressing her. She was worried he’d find the chicken nuggets she’d stuffed in her pocket earlier and get mad at her. She sighed a bit and set down her backpack with her dirty shoes and socks, letting go of it for the first time. Charlotte shook her head. “Sweetie maybe it’s best that you don’t talk about her in front of her. That doesn’t feel very nice all the time.” She suggested calmly. “You don’t like when people talk about you to other people when you’re there. That doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it either. I’m sure she’ll want to talk to you in time.” She smiled as she thought. “You know, she doesn’t want to talk to me either. It’s not just you. She’s scared and nervous. It’ll get better sweetie.” “You can still talk to Daddy all you want. But talk about things that aren’t Lani. I’m sure you can talk about so many things that not talking about her in front of her won’t be hard.” She said cheerfully.

“The other foster homes didn’t let me take a bath. Nobody kept me long enough.” Lani said sadly. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea of anyone bathing her if she was honest. She didn’t understand why she wasn’t allowed to take a bath by herself. She was almost eight years old and had been doing it herself for quite a while now. “You can do it.” She said with a sigh. She didn’t like any options but knew she had to pick or it would probably be Charlotte bathing her. She really wasn’t comfortable around her at all yet and was very wary of her. She hung her head and rubbed her eyes. The tears were gone but she was still clearly upset. The poor girl had gone through so much and was struggling to keep it together. Charlotte frowned and tried to think of how to respond. “Sweetie, just because Daddy and Lani left, doesn’t mean she stole him. He should’ve told you if her had to take her somewhere so you knew where he was going. That’s his responsibility, not Lani’s.” She started gently. “It’s not polite or kind to say that people smell bad. Lani has gone to live with lots of different people and didn’t stay long. She probably hasn’t had a chance to take a bath.” She explained, not wanting to tell her daughter about Lani’s personal history. “Don’t worry about that.” She requested, not able to properly explain things to Jessica. “It’s Daddy’s and my job to help and take care of her. It’s all stuff for the grown ups to worry about.” “Lani didn’t steal Daddy away. I’m sure you were being very nice to her. Remember that she just got here though, she’s not used to everyone. I’m sure she’ll warm up to you eventually. It’s like when you start a new grade and you don’t know a lot of people or your teacher. But Lani doesn’t know anyone and she has to live with us. That’s scary for someone to go through.” She hoped her explanations and comments were doing more good than harm, though she couldn’t quite tell.

Lani sobbed hard. She was embarrassed and stressed. She knew if she wasn’t good and this family didn’t want to keep her that she’d go to a group home and potentially not see her mother again. “I can bathe myself.” She whimpered when Tom suggested that Charlotte bathe her. She didn’t know why but she didn’t want Charlotte to do it. She didn’t trust the woman and didn’t want to be bathed by her either. Charlotte came out to the living room to check on what was going on. She was surprised to see Jessica on the couch alone. “Hey kiddo, what’re you watching?” She asked as she sat down next to her daughter. She wanted to make conversation and show her that she’s important too.

Lani stared silently at her lap while Tom continued to read. She was fighting tears and doing everything in her power not to cry. She was focusing all her energy on being quiet and good that she couldn’t help but squirm and fidget in her seat. She felt her heart race and stomach drop when Tom carried her to her room. She felt like he was going to punish her before he sent her right back. She was so upset and disappointed. She knew she shouldn’t have gotten excited by how nice he was to her. When Tom eventually confronted her, she couldn’t stop the tears anymore. She burst into tears and was already full on sobbing. It took a few tries for her words to be coherent and comprehensible. “I’m sorry!” She blurted out immediately, starting to hyperventilate already. The poor girl was clearly distraught and terrified. “I know it’s bad! I’m sorry!” She continued, choking on her own words. “I wanna be good! I promise! I don’t wanna be bad! I’m sorry!” After that, she couldn’t get any more words out. She was just sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. The tears falling down her face made it clearer that she desperately needed a bath. The little girl hadn’t had one since coming into foster care.

Lani frowned. She felt like she said something wrong. She stared at her lap. She was too anxious and scared to focus on her book at the moment, even though she was excited to read it a moment ago. The reminder that she might not get to stay wasn’t reassuring either, even if Tom had meant it that way. Her file had some specific but still vague information. It had specific instances of her stealing from stores a few times, bullying other kids, and some broad information of behavioral issues and suspected of more bullying and stealing though nobody had hard proof. She felt tears sting her eyes when Jessica started asking her about how bad she was. She wanted to defend herself and say she wasn’t a little kid and for Jessica to mind her own business. She couldn’t though, not if she wanted to stay with the family. Tom had already told her off for how she talked to the other girl, so she chose to just stare at her lap.

Lani didn’t verbally respond when Tom continued to speak to her. She didn’t know what was okay to say and what was misbehaving. She got scolded for defending herself, so she didn’t know what else she’d get scolded for. She opened the book Tom had given her earlier and started to read. She looked up at him when she noticed he was reading her file. She frowned. “You’re gonna send me back.” She said with a sad sigh. “Cuz you’re reading about how bad I am.” She stared down at her lap, her face devoid of any joy or hope it previously held. She fidgeted in place uncomfortably, knowing exactly what her file said. She knew it talked about her history of bullying other kids, that it said she stole from kids and stores, how she doesn’t get along with other kids, and much more.

Lani flinched a bit when Tom scolded her and Jessica. She stared at the floor and went silent. She wasn’t trying to get on Jessica’s nerves, she was just trying to defend herself. “I’m sorry.” She whimpered quietly, not looking up from the ground. She wanted to defend herself and stand up to Jessica being mean to her, but she didn’t want to upset Tom or get in trouble. She had to be good or else she’d risk being sent away. It didn’t seem fair to her. Jessica got to call her a brat and a liar, and all Lani did was tell her to mind her own business. “Yes Sir.” She responded instinctively when Tom addressed her directly. She didn’t understand why she was at fault too, but then again lots of things in her world didn’t make sense to the little girl. She was amazed by how big the backyard was. It seemed huge to someone who wasn’t used to having access to one. She didn’t like how bossy Jessica was being with her, but she couldn’t say anything in front of Tom. Not wanting to say the wrong thing, she just nodded along to everything the two of them were saying.

Lani nodded along. She didn’t really understand Tom’s strange rules but she wanted to be good and do her best to follow all of them. She was used to using the stove at home, she hadn’t learned how to use the oven yet, but she figured out the stove by herself pretty easily. She scowled when Jessica started talking about her like she wasn’t there. “I’m not a little girl!” She protested unhappily. “I’m right here.” She mumbled, already starting to dislike this other girl. She nodded about the laundry. She decided when it came time she’d try to help out and wash her own clothes. She already did that at home so maybe she could be helpful here. “You have a backyard?” She asked excitedly. At her own home they technically had a yard, but she wasn’t really allowed to use it. It was small and had lots of weeds and her mother didn’t really approve of her getting unnecessarily dirty.

Lani was a little confused by how Tom talked about her mother. She shook her head. “I take care of myself at home all the time.” She explained, not used to consistently relying on her mother for care. “I’m almost eight! I’m not a little girl anymore!” She blushed when Tom mentioned using the bathroom. She wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to him. “I don’t gotta go.” She mumbled shyly. She wasn’t used to anyone reminding her to use the bathroom or suggesting she do it. Outside of school obviously, at school the whole class would get reminded, but not her individually. She noticed Jessica out of the corner of her eye and frowned. She didn’t like this bigger girl trying to be in her business.

Lani shook her head. Tom didn’t seem to understand how she had to take care of her mother at home. “Mommy’s sick. I’m ‘sposed to take care of her.” It was clear no one had fully explained to her what was going on. She shrugged a bit. She didn’t often feel that jealous of other kids around her. The only times she did were when she was hungry or in trouble. Her brown eyes lit up when Tom mentioned multiple toys. She was thrilled! She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten multiple toys at once. Her face fell and she looked down when she realized Tom was talking about her stealing. Of course he didn’t trust her not to. Why would he? “Yes Mister, I understand.” She responded obediently, embarrassed to be in this conversation in the first place. In the bathroom she held onto her toothbrush and placed it by Jessica’s when the time came. She was doing her best to take everything in and keep track of what Tom was telling her.

Lani sniffled and rubbed her teary eyes. The little girl did her best not to cry but it was hard. She really missed her mom and just wanted to go back. “I miss mommy.” She said sadly, sounding like a younger child for a moment. All of a sudden she started to have more worries popping into her head. “I’m ‘sposed to take care of her….” She trailed off. She was so used to helping her mother and now she wondered who was doing that while she was gone. Tom’s words did help calm her down though, even if deep down she was still worried. “Mommy calls lots of things stupid.” She said with a small shrug. She didn’t think anything of that idea. “Mommy doesn’t get me anything I want.” She said, though she didn’t seem upset about it. “She says money is for more important things.” She shrugged, not seeing anything out of the ordinary with how things were at her home. “Really?” She looked thrilled. “Like, uhm, a toy?” She seemed so excited by the idea of having a toy she wanted. She didn’t have too many toys at home, and most of the ones she did have were from when she was quite a bit younger.

“Jessica, think for a second.” Charlotte said with a sigh. “Do we both always check on you together?” She asked. “No, sometimes Daddy checks on you and sometimes I do. I just volunteered.” She sighed and shook her head, standing up to leave. She figured Jessica could use some space and time by herself. Clearly no matter what she said it wouldn’t help at the moment. She saw Tom and Lani talking in the spare bedroom and decided to do some work in her office. She needed to take some deep breaths after it seemed both girls didn’t want her around “It’s okay.” Lani chirped. She was just amazed at how nice everything looked. Nothing looked dirty or worn. “My room at home is plain too.” She said with a light shrug. “Mommy said we don’t have money for stupid things like decorations.” She said casually, repeating her mother’s words without thinking anything of it. She was about to say something about the amount of blankets, not used to having access to so many, but her small face visibly fell. “Winter time?” She asked sadly, her voice whimpering a bit. She looked down at her feet with a frown and worried expression. “I’ll be away from mommy in the winter?” Nobody had really explained how long she’d be in foster care for, and the thought that she’d be away from her mom for months was scary and painful.

Charlotte sighed. “You are still the big sister.” She agreed. “But she’s not a baby. She’s seven not three. She did not tattle on you. You called her a brat to me. I heard you say it before she said anything.” She repeated, not wanting Jessica to keep those ideas. “Do you understand?” She sighed. “I get you out of the car all the time. I just got our first because I wanted to get you. Daddy doesn’t like Lani more than you, we’re just trying to get her settled. The sooner she gets comfortable the sooner things get more normal.” ”If you want attention you need to tell us. You’re ten years old. You’re too big to be acting out just to get attention. You know how to talk to us. Okay?” She explained in a slightly stern tone. “Whenever possible we will give you attention, but you have to ask and not pretend to get hurt.” Lani smiled a little when Tom hugged her. Her face fell when he mentioned tickling her though. She didn’t like that idea, but didn’t say anything. She was relieved when he didn’t follow through. “The other foster homes had me share with other kids.” She explained logically. “I didn’t know I got my own room like at home.” She held Tom’s hand and walked up the stairs, looking up at him when they reached the top, unsure where to go.

Charlotte sighed. She sat down outside of Jessica’s closet. ”Jessica, Lani hasn’t spoken a single word to me. She didn’t tell me anything. You called her a brat to me. Calling someone a brat is calling them a name. You’d be very upset if she called you a brat wouldn’t you?” She explained, not liking that she’s so willing to blame Lani. “Lani probably didn’t have anyone teaching her manners like me and Daddy taught you. We’re going to teach her to talk nicer to you.” She continued, hoping that she’d understand. “But you know that sometimes when you’re scared or upset, you get snappy and don’t always talk very nicely. Lani just met us and you got very close to her face and she’s scared and confused.” “You are extremely important to us sweetie. Daddy and I love and adore you. Lani isn’t a replacement. We want you two to get along and like each other. It takes time though.” She sighed and shook her head. “You’re still a big sister. And as a big sister it’s your job to show her our rules and be a good example. I know you like showing people all the things you can do. So we need you to show her how we act in this house.” She hoped that this would incentivize Jessica to get along better with Lani. Lani shrugged. “I don’t mind.” She responded. Truthfully speaking, she kind of enjoyed it. She couldn’t remember the last time someone held her like Tom was. “My bedroom?” She asked in surprise. At home of course she had her own room, but at the other foster homes she was sharing with at least one or two other kids. She didn’t expect to get her own bedroom by any means.

Lani nodded intently when Tom explained the fridge rules to her. She was surprised they had it so well stocked and she was supposedly allowed to eat whenever she wanted. She didn’t trust it though, she wanted to be sure she was good so she decided she wouldn’t be grabbing food unless it was offered to her, or she really needed it. She tried not to frown when he asked if she knew what he meant. She nodded quickly, not wanting to look stupid. She really didn’t know what he meant at all, but didn’t want to say that out loud. Charlotte frowned. “Honey, we can’t both always come do something.” She said with a sigh. She could tell that Jessica wasn’t quite telling the truth. She looked at her daughter in the eyes and continued. “Jessica, did you make everything fall and crash on purpose? Just so we’d come up here?” She asked in a somewhat stern tone.