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Shy-Diapers
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Alice nodded. She was having such a hard day and it didn’t seem to get better no matter what she did. She was reliant on the people around her, and she wasn’t used to that. It was different and hard. “Doing my best.” She mumbled as she rubbed her tired and teary eyes. She looked up and nodded quickly. He didn’t seem to get her hint but came to a solution nonetheless. She was scared she’d have an accident if she took a nap, just like she did every night in bed. Even if she felt like she was too old to be napping, she was worried she’d fall asleep and she didn’t want to have an accident in the nice clothes Richard got her.
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Alice frowned and looked down at her lap. She felt like she was in trouble all of a sudden. She wasn’t trying to have a hard day, she didn’t know why either. She was trying her best to be good and well behaved, but it just wasn’t happening and she couldn’t explain why. She shrugged and kept quiet, not knowing how to respond to Richard’s question. She didn’t know why and didn’t want to make him mad. When he asked about sleeping in the rocking chair she felt her cheeks get a little warm. She was embarrassed. “I don’t wanna feel icky.” She mumbled quietly, too shy and embarrassed to say that she was scared of having an accident in front of everyone, especially while she slept. ”And I only like sleeping in bed.” She added afterwards. She couldn’t explain why she felt this way, she just felt most comfortable sleeping in a bed rather than everywhere else. It was the only place that made sense to her.
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“By myself?” Alice asked a little sadly. She felt her lip quivering as she thought about it. She didn’t want to fall asleep in the middle of a room or on top of Richard since she knew she’d have an accident in her sleep, but she didn’t want to be alone. Tears welled up in the little girl’s big eyes. She buried her face in her dinosaur and sniffled. She didn’t know why she wanted to cry, but it was difficult to fight. She sighed and stood up, her head hung low as she shuffled to the stairs. She felt like the options were her room by herself or sleeping in the rocking chair with Richard. She was determined to not sleep so it felt like being alone in her room was her only option.
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“Have you taken her to her room or asked her why she doesn’t want to sleep?” Katherine asked logically. It seemed like the natural solution to just ask Alice what was wrong. ”Sometimes the kids don’t like sleeping out in the open. She hasn’t been abused, but maybe that’s it. She also just might want her bed.” She chuckled a bit and smiled. As much as Richard loved all the kids and tried his best, sometimes he didn’t think things through. ”I can make her some if she wants it.” She squatted down near Alice and smiled gently. “Do you want some hot chocolate? I make it special and sweet.” She offered kindly. Alice shook her head. It didn’t make sense to her to drink hot chocolate in the summer. It was outside, why would she drink a hot drink? Katherine nodded and stood up. “I don’t think she likes talking to me yet.” She said to Richard.
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Alice sat down on the floor with her dinosaur held close to her chest. She was clearly exhausted but still desperately trying to avoid falling asleep. She rubbed her eyes and tried to swallow her yawn. ”Can’t fall asleep.” She mumbled unhappily. She was starting to get grumpy now that she was exhausted and Richard was trying to force her to sleep. Katherine came into the room just as Alice was fighting to get down. ”What’s going on?” She asked Richard cautiously, unsure if she’d be able to help anything.
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Alice whimpered. She was desperately trying to fight sleep but Richard wasn’t letting her. She couldn’t fall asleep. She was out in the open and she was scared of setting herself while she slept. ”No!” She cried out, sitting up in Richard’s lap and trying to climb off him. She wouldn’t let herself fall asleep right now, even if it upset Richard. Katherine sighed. She could tell Samantha wasn’t truly listening. She didn’t know what else she could do to get the girl to listen. At least soon she’d be getting into counseling again. Maybe that would help her out. ”I’m going to go check on Daddy and Alice.” She said, hoping that giving Samantha some space would help things. She headed downstairs to see what Richard and Alice were doing.
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Alice shook her head. She was exhausted but didn’t want to fall asleep. ”I can’t.” She said, unable to keep the whole out of her voice while Richard rocked her. She loved the sensation of the rocking chair and the repetitive motion and it was indeed extremely soothing, but she was too worried to fall asleep. Katherine sighed and shook her head. “If you had told me you needed to go I’d have found a spot to pull over. I don’t think Alice would think you’re a baby for needing to use the bathroom. It’s much more mature to express your needs than it is to ignore them and embarrass yourself.” “You’re not stupid and you’re not in trouble.” She insisted, making sure to keep her voice calm. “But you need to speak up about things. If you want to be treated more grown up you need to behave that way as well.” She hopes this would be a motivator to Samantha. “I don’t mean that to say you can’t be mature and have accidents, but that you need to do the grown up thing and speak up if you need something.”
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Alice stayed silent but clearly exhausted the whole car ride home. She appreciated Richard letting her know he was still there while also not expecting her to talk to him at all. The girl was visibly fighting sleep when they arrived. She rubbed her eyes hard to try to stay awake. She’d had an exhausting day and her body was telling her to sleep, but she was too worried about everything. Katherine looked over at Samantha when she parked and sighed. She had asked her if she needed the bathroom and she didn’t even ask to use the bathroom. ”Head inside.” She said gently, nodding towards the door. After Samantha got out, she strategically walked behind her so the girl’s wet clothes weren’t visible. She unlocked the door and nodded towards the stairs. While Samantha was in the bathroom, she grabbed her some clean clothes. She knocked on the door gently. “I brought you fresh clothes.” ”I’m not upset with you. I didn’t say anything outside so Alice wouldn’t find out. But why didn’t you tell me you needed to go Samantha? I was right next to you.” She did her best to keep her voice calm and gentle, but inside she was very frustrated.
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“That’s no problem.” Katherine said. She didn’t mind driving and would happily do it if it meant Alice might have a more comfortable ride home. ”Yes you can sit up front with me.” She said smiling to Samantha. She was happy that maybe it finally clicked with her that she was allowed to ask things. She got into the driver’s seat and once she was sure everyone was in securely she started the drive home. Alice held her blanket and dinosaur close in the car, her new bat carefully placed next to her car seat. She ended up staying silent and just coloring unless Richard decided to talk to her. She was still having a bit of a hard time.
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Alice shook her head when Richard suggested she sleep. She wasn’t comfortable enough around everyone to fall asleep in the car. Plus she was scared she’d have an accident while she slept. She knew that Katherine had to know, Richard told her so, but she didn’t want Samantha to. Katherine smiled and nodded. She didn’t have it in her at the moment to explain to Samantha the differences in the two girls. She just appreciated her being more empathetic to Alice than she had been the day before. “Does anyone need to go to the bathroom before we go?” She asked, unsure if Alice would need to go again, and figuring Samantha might since she didn’t at the zoo.
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Alice shrugged and let Richard put her in his lap. She put her head down on her arms on the table, wanting to just avoid the lights. She was tired and still not feeling the best. It didn’t help that she was a bit bored in the restaurant, not having anything to do and not being in a mood to talk. When the food came she cleared her plate as usual, though she did eat a little slower than she typically did. Katherine attempted to talk to Alice a bit and get her to connect and open up, but Alice was unresponsive so she decided not to push things further. ”I’m really glad everyone got to see something they enjoyed today.” She said as the food was coming out.
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“Cheeseburger sliders.” Alice mumbled quietly to Richard, pointing to the spot on the children’s menu. She was still trying to recover from how overstimulated and overwhelmed she had gotten, it all took a lot out of her. She rubbed her eyes and fidgeted with the wings of her dinosaur. The building felt so bright and it was difficult to ignore when she was already on edge. Trying to distract and calm herself down a bit, she drank the ice water the waitress brought to them before they ordered. Katherine placed her order with the waitress and was really relieved that Samantha didn’t throw a fit with the menu like she did earlier in the week.
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Alice looked up at Richard for reassurance before taking the bat. “Thank you.” She said out of habit and instinct. She didn’t want to get in trouble for being ungrateful so she made sure she said it. She was reassured on the drive to the restaurant since Richard was sitting close by. She was also relieved that she didn’t have to go back to where she had been horribly overwhelmed and overstimulated. The rest of the drive there, she was quiet and coloring without any problems. She wasn’t in the most talkative mood, especially with Katherine and Samantha in the car. Katherine nodded and got into the driver’s seat immediately. She’d do anything to prevent a full meltdown in the car. She drove to the restaurant and looked in the back upon arrival. It seemed like things were going as smoothly as they could. ”Ready to get out?” She asked everyone.
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“I think that’s very nice of you.” Katherine said with a smile. She paid for the two stuffed animals and walked out with Samantha. ”Nobody gets hit in our house for any reason.” She insisted gently. “I promise.” Back at the car she climbed in the front and hoped the rest of the day would go smoothly. Alice nodded. She felt reassured and more comfortable now that Richard had spoken so kindly to her. She eyed Samantha hesitantly in the car, not being in a mood to talk or deal with the girl being bossy. She looked up at Richard when the bat was presented to her, she didn’t realize it was for her. She half wondered if it was a trick and she’d get in trouble for taking it from the bigger girl.
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Alice slowly approached Richard again. She was hesitant but wanted to trust him. She climbed back into his lap after a while and curled up against him. She was still gripping her dinosaur and blanket. ”I don’t wanna.” She repeated again, wanting to make it absolutely clear that she would do everything to avoid going back in the zoo. Katherine sighed. She was about to respond before she saw Richard’s message. ”You’re not a baby. I wouldn’t have said you can get something if I wasn’t willing to buy it.” She said in a stern but still kind voice. ”You have two options. You pick out whatever you want that’s the size of a normal stuffed animal or smaller, and something for Alice, or we can just go right now. Daddy said Alice isn’t feeling well so we’re going to go get lunch.” She offered Samantha, still kind but making it clear she wasn’t going to entertain a long back and forth. ”You can pick out a normal sized tiger plush or something of similar or smaller size. And something for Alice too so she doesn’t feel left out.” She suggested, still standing in the doorway.
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“No!” Alice protested loudly. She had calmed down but the idea of going back in the zoo with all the people and noises was not her idea of fun! She tried to climb off Richard’s lap to climb to the other side of the back seat, trying to get away and avoid having to go back. “I don’t wanna! It’s too much!” She cried, tears starting to pour down her face again. She hated most of the zoo experience that day and didn’t want to feel overwhelmed again. Katherine looked over at what Samantha was talking about. She was a little frustrated that she didn’t just ask, since her and Richard prioritized and emphasized clear communication and that it’s okay to express wants and needs. She thought for a moment and took a breath before responding. ”That one is too big and expensive for right now.” She said gently. “But how about you pick out a smaller souvenir? You can pick out an average sized stuffed animal or something smaller.” She explained the compromise to Samantha as they walked to the gift shop. She wanted Samantha to know that she didn’t mind getting her something, just it had to be more reasonable. ”It’s also okay to just ask for something. I’d much prefer you tell me you want something and ask for it than hint at it, please.” Katherine reminded her when they approached the shop.
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“I wasn’t excited.” Alice responded, holding her blanket close to her face and leaning into Richard. She didn’t realize she potentially came off as kind of rude or argumentative, but was rather trying to point out what she saw as a flaw in Richard’s point. She wasn’t excited aside from being in the bat exhibit so his explanation didn’t make sense. She nodded and sat in Richard’s lap, hugging her dinosaur and blanket and looking at one of the books from her backpack. She was not in any mood to go back. It was too much for her. She would much rather stay in the car with Richard. ”That’s really interesting!” Katherine said, hoping to boost Samantha’s confidence. “I didn’t know that.” “Sure honey.” She responded, walking towards the elephants with her daughter. She wondered what was happening with Richard and Alice since he hadn’t asked where they were yet, but figured Alice was still upset or something.
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“Yeah, it can walk.” Katherine said cheerfully. She was relieved the distraction worked. “We can even buy carrots to feed the baby and the parents.” She added, happy to see Samantha’s excited. She looked down at her phone and frowned a bit. Maybe the zoo was a mistake. She thought about warning Samantha that it might not last too much longer, but couldn’t find a way to do so discreetly so she opted not to. When they got to the giraffe exhibit, if Samantha wanted to Katherine got them some carrots to feed. “I always love seeing the babies. They’re so cute and clumsy.” She chartered with her daughter. Alice kept her hands over her ears until they got to the car. She slowly removed them, making sure it wasn’t going to be loud still. It was still hot outside and her clothes were wet and clinging to her which was stressful. She sniffled and gripped her dinosaur tight to her chest. “I just wanna hold it.” She whimpered when Richard offered to cover her. She wanted her blanket for comfort and would prefer that over him covering her. She didn’t see anyone around either so she didn’t mind not being covered. She didn’t make a fuss with Richard helping her clean up and get changed into her new clothes. She was starting to calm down some while he stayed with her. She was relieved that they had gotten away from all the people and sounds. Even if it was still hot and a little smelly outside, she was relieved and calming down. ”I’m sorry.” She mumbled after she was completely cleaned up and in her clean clothes. “I didn’t mean to.” She whimpered apologetically. She didn’t know why she couldn’t hold it and was wondering if she was bad.
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Katherine looked around but didn’t see the kids who were laughing at Samantha. She didn’t want to discourage her from reading but wasn’t sure what to do. She didn’t understand why Samantha was reading so slowly though. That certainly wasn’t normal. ”Sam, honey, do you want to go see the giraffes?” She asked, hoping that moving on to a new exhibit would solve the problem for now. “There’s a baby that was just born a month or so ago!” She said feigning excitement. She figured the enticement of seeing a baby animal would distract her long enough. Alice sniffled and opened her eyes. Covering her ears wasn’t blocking out enough of the sounds and she was getting increasingly more upset and overwhelmed. She didn’t know how to calm down and make it stop. Richard asking her a question and expecting her to answer was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She started audibly sobbing as she kept her hands over her ears. She had finished peeing but her dress was still dripping. ”Too much!” She yelled out unhappily. She didn’t know how to express what was wrong aside from everything just being too much for her. The people and the bathroom were too loud, the bathrooms were smelly, it was hot while they waited, and it was crowded. All of that combined with her wet clothes and embarrassment was too much to handle and she couldn’t do anything but sob and cover her ears.
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Katherine smiled. Maybe the zoo would go well after all. Alice had been a little rude and harsh, but so far nobody was crying or scared. She pointed to the plaque in front of the specific monkey Samantha was talking about. “That one is from South America.” She said pointing out the specific place it mentioned it. She hoped it would encourage Samantha to try to read some of it herself. She let Richard go off with Alice, seeing no reason to make Samantha tag along. Alice frowned when she saw the long line. That was an awful lot of people and an awful lot of waiting. She was able to last less than five minutes in line before she lost control and wet herself, the pale pink dress she had pressed between her legs getting darker as she couldn’t stop the flow. She immediately started to cry, though she didn’t make a sound. She was extremely embarrassed and upset. They were only a short way from the front of the line at this point and the sounds of the small, smelly bathroom were more audible to her now. She covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out everything that was overwhelming her. She wanted to yell and run but she felt frozen and stuck where she was. She stood there in her puddle crying and looking extremely distressed and upset. The entire time though, she didn’t say a word, scared what would happen if she told Richard.
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Alice kept her nose pressed against the class, thoroughly enjoying the little creatures sleeping and flying around and eating. There weren’t many people inside where the exhibit was, and since they were nocturnal it was darker inside than out at the rest of the zoo. These two things combined made Alice enjoy things a lot more, getting a break from how overwhelming it was outside. She beamed and felt so proud of herself when Richard complimented her. “Nobody’s ever said that before!” She chirped excitedly. She felt like she was on cloud nine right then. Sensing that Samantha was getting bored, she tried to usher everyone outside to get to the monkeys that Samantha wanted to see. “Let’s go back outside! Samantha wanted to see the monkeys.” Alice frowned and was clearly disappointed to leave the bat exhibit. As soon as she got outside, she was unhappy. It was bright, and hot, and noisy, and there were so many people! She gripped Richard’s hand tightly as they walked, feeling nervous around so many people in such a big space. She was small and almost everyone she could see was bigger than she was and it made her nervous. When they got to the monkey exhibit, she was feeling even more overwhelmed. It was crowded and there were a lot of people and kids yelling, plus the monkeys were loud too! She tried her best to hang back and be as far away as possible, wanting to distance herself from the overwhelming sounds and people. Any enjoyment she showed at the bat exhibit was surely gone by now. She tugged Richard’s arm after a moment and looked up at him a little embarrassed. “I gotta go to the bathroom!” She said, unaware she had a little whine in her voice. She all of a sudden realized she needed to go to the bathroom, and it felt urgent. She fidgeted in place and gripped her dinosaur tight. She was too old to do a potty dance but she felt like she’d need to soon.
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Alice happily pressed her face against the glass and stared at the huge enclosure for all the bats. She was enthralled. ”Nuh uh,” She piped up when she heard Samantha. “They can see! They see as good as people do!” She corrected without thinking. “They just use echolocation cuz it’s dark and it helps them find their food better!” She pointed to one of the small paragraphs of information about them, surprised Samantha wasn’t reading them. “It says so right there! Aren’t you reading them?” She was able to ramble off facts from the top of her head without thinking too much about them. “They can hear everything people can!” She chirped again, not really realizing or processing that Samantha wasn’t talking to her, or that it might be seen as rude or mean to correct her so bluntly. “They hear higher and lower sounds!” She pointed out one of the bats to Richard, giggling with delight and excitement when she saw it eating apples from a rope hung from the ceiling of the enclosure. Katherine chuckled a bit at Alice interrupting and answering the question for her. “I guess Alice knows a bit about the bats.” She tried to keep the mood light though she thought the way the little girl was speaking was kind of rude, though she wasn’t sure if the girl intended it to be.
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Katherine smiled. She was happy to see Samantha enjoying herself so much. She always enjoyed what small occasional glimpses she got of her being a normal kid. Alice clung to Richard tightly, slightly calmed by him keeping a good grasp on her. She looked around at all the signs and tried to figure out what she wanted to see. There was so much going on and she was getting increasingly overwhelmed. ”Um, can we see the bats?” She asked hesitantly. She enjoyed the small creatures and was really interested in them, plus she thought it would maybe be in a quieter place since bats didn’t make much noise. She looked down and avoided Richard’s gaze, unsure if she made an acceptable choice or not.
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Alice was happy that Richard took her with him inside. Though she did get scared and anxious when she saw his boss. Her mood definitely shifted after being called a brat. She was already a little on edge when they started walking around. The sun was bright and there were a lot of people and smells. She swallowed hard and kept one hand on Richard’s shirt and the other on her dinosaur, having opted to leave her blanket in the car, her grip was tight and one that clearly showed she was at the very least a little on edge. Katherine nodded. “That’s fine, if one of us says it’s okay you don’t need to ask the other.” She said gently. She looked down at the map and started heading towards the first exhibit Samantha had chosen. At the big cat exhibit, Alice clung tighter to Richard, feeling unsure of the large animals in person. She knew in theory how big they were but had never seen them close up before. She was getting more and more anxious and overwhelmed as they continued to walk around.
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“I can get them myself.” Alice responded to Samantha. It probably sounded harsher than she intended though. “I’m not a baby. I can do things myself.” She said with a frown. The older girl seemed to think she was a baby all the time and she did not appreciate that. She nodded to Richard, she’d do her best to tell him if she needed anything. Once she was settled in the car, she started to silently color, occasionally looking up just to be extra sure Richard was still there. She stayed quiet the rest of the drive and started packing up her crayons and coloring book when it was announced that they’d arrived. She waited patiently for Richard to come around and get her out of her seat. She was excited and nervous to be at the zoo. She didn’t think she’d ever gone before and that was both scary and interesting. ”It’s fine honey.” Katherine said before Samantha went to change. She sighed a bit in the car when it seemed the girls were already not getting along. She breathed a sigh of relief when there was no more negativity by the time they arrived at the zoo. She got out and grabbed her purse with everything they might need and waited for the rest of her family before they went up and bought the tickets. Once they were fully in the zoo, she looked to Samantha. “Did you have somewhere you wanted to go first?” She asked as she pointed out their location on a paper map.
