LittleMissMolly

I had no idea places like this even existed...

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. I can really sense the longing in your words. It sounds like what you really want is acceptance. Is that right? You know, part of what you describe is really common in the military. Depression in the military is so widespread and it's often unacknowledged. It's hard for people to transition back into civilian life. And that disconnect you're describing when you say that you're surrounded by people but feel completely alone sounds a lot like what I've heard from other people returning from service. It also sounds like there's some incongruence between who you are when you're with your friends, and who you are inside. Part of that is necessary because of the nature of our lifestyle, but that incongruence can definitely lead to feeling alone, isolated and depressed. Feeling like you have to hide part of who you are is always uncomfortable. I wish I had answers for you, but all I really offer what I've learned from my own experience. You say you won't be happy until you find a person who understands you, but I just want to caution you against thinking that a relationship is what will make things better. From my experience, you really have to take care of yourself first and then start a relationship, otherwise you will just end up contaminating the relationship with your pain. The good news is that there are people who understand you. This forum is full of them. You can find acceptance here.

I hope your job training program works out. It sounds like you could really use the independence that having a job brings. AS is such a broad spectrum and I don't want to make assumptions, but I wonder if because of your AS you're unaware of just how uncomfortable it would be for your mother to know you visit a site like this. She may feel like you're interested in this because she did something wrong as a parent or because she wasn't a good enough mother. It's probably also just downright strange to think about your own child being involved in any sort of fetish. That's why most people go to great lengths to keep their sex lives secret from their families. If you have your own laptop and some privacy (which you should have at the age of 27) then at that point there's really no need for your mother to know what websites you visit. Assure her that you won't do anything illegal or anything that will get you into trouble. And then learn to clear your browser history, or only visit these sorts of sites when you're in private mode. On Firefox all you have to do is click "Tools" and then "Start Private Browsing".

Wow... I just read the whole thing in one go and I am really impressed. Not only is it well written, but your insight is amazing. You must have some psych education. It comes through in your writing. I feel connected to this story in so many ways. Working a job with troubled kids that leaves me drained at the end of the day. A personal history of abuse and abandonment. And a history of self-injury. You're so brave to share this with your counselor. I wish you the best of luck with everything, and thank you for sharing this with us.

I don't know your personal circumstances so I don't want to judge too much, but it's hard not to see your mother's decision as being reasonable. I lived at home until I was 25 because I was going to school and even though I had my own laptop since I was 18, I was hesitant to visit fetish websites because I was in my parents' house and wanted to respect their rules. I waited until I was out of the house and in my own place to join a site like this and really start indulging in my desires, not out of a fear of getting caught, but out of respect for them. You can't expect your parents to be comfortable with this kind of thing.

I have the same problem, but it depends on the pacifier. I have a couple of generic silicone ones that make my front teeth ache if I use them too long. My nuk 3 doesn't bother my teeth much but it dries my mouth out after a while because it's rubber.