aliceisonfire

i would like to thank daddy fred for his post, i found it quite insightful as i can relate my own experiences with what you said. in my own specific case, my father died when i was 5 years old so i did not have a strong male presence in my life that i admired. my sister and i were very close siblings having endured much fighting and drama from our parents at early ages. i do not remember my parents together at all as they separated when i was only 2. You see, my father was bi-polar and had attempted to kill himself several times, with my mother interfering and saving his life on a couple of occasions. my sister even witnessed a couple of the incidents. one incident put our entire family in danger and my mother was forced to leave my father for our own safety, leaving us with literally next to nothing money because my father controlled all of the money. i have always revered my mother as one of the strongest human beings i have ever met because of the horrors she has lived through and persevered through in order to keep me and my sister safe and give us the best life she could. apparently during this time, my mother was not around very often trying to occupy herself with everything she could to avoid her husband and the stress he caused. and my sister took the initiative to be the best biggest sister she could and had a very large influence in my developing years. this put my father into an even bigger depression having lost his family and eventually he succeeded in ending his life, on his own terms, away from his family when i was 5. throughout my childhood i had a bad bed wetting problem, but i had always refused to wear diapers wanting to keep whatever pride i had. my mother remarried to a man that my older sister and i hated, who had 2 daughters of his own from a previous relationship. one of his daughters is physically handicapped and lives with her mother full time and occasionally visited for a few weeks at a time. her older sister acted as a full time babysitter and took care/raised her sister when she was at home. my mother had always taught me to respect women, and growing up seeing the horrible things men have done to women through out history and situations that good honest people can be left in by greedy men instilled this deep anger towards the Male gender. When i was about 12 my chore was to do the entire family's laundry, around the same time i stopped wetting the bed. you see, my handicapped stepsister was mentally slow and had a brain function to the equivalint to a 2 year old when she was 8, (not by choice, although i know some AB's would wish it was them ) and wore diapers for most of her life. wanting to be as grown up i could be i feared to be put back in diapers and taught my self to stop bed wetting when threatened with diapering, knowing that when my step sister visited, there was always a supply. once i had stopped i was proud of myself indeed, but, a strange curiosity filled me when i lay in bed trying to fall asleep over the months following. "i wonder what it would actually feel like if i had to wear a diaper again." i shrugged it off and pretend the thought never crossed my mind. eventually over the weeks and months and curiosity getting the best (or worse?) of me i had this urge to fulfill deep inside. i had tried stuffing blankets in my underwear or wearing A LOT of pairs of underwear at once to try and simulate the effect. upon my attempts at makeshift diapers, i had discovered how great playing by yourself could feel for the first time, and have heavily relied on diaper stimulation ever since then. but eventually blankets just weren't enough. "maybe if i tried it once, just to see what my fate could have been. its not like anyone would find out." i had just needed it for me. one summer holiday night when my step sister was visiting i had sneaked one of the diapers from her bag to my room. i waited to everyone was in bed and slipped it on. i was instantly incredibly aroused and all i can remember was the wave of pleasure that shot over me, and that i was shaking from either nervousness, fear, or excitement. i never USED the diaper but since it was one of the pull up style ones i had kept it as clean as i could for as long as i could and would wear it as often as i could at night without being caught. the next time she would visit i would smuggle a couple out during the weeks and make them last. during this time i was stuck doing the laundry for my entire family twice a week. one of those fateful laundry nights i was watching a new TV program called "he's the lady" or something like that, where they took the manliest man they can find, and cross dress them and put them on a reality tv program to see who can be the best at being a woman. the ultimate of all male challenges. (so they advertised) and as i watched this program, having recently discovered my new found secret love for diapers, i came up with the brilliant idea. "hey, i wonder what girl clothes feel like." and when a 12 year old boy who is home alone with entire wardrobes at his disposal, and way too much curiosity, well, suffice to say i found out what it felt like. once the pleasure had subsided an enormous wave of guilt would wash over me and force me to panic and return to my boyish ways. in order to camouflage these thoughts and feelings i walled my self off from my friends by being overly aggressive and tried to make my self look as intimidating as possible. Long shoulder length hair, Band Tshirts, Black jeans, chains. i wanted to be one heavy metal dude, because no one would suspect a guy like that to feel the way i did. it wasnt really until that age when i began discovering the truth behind my parents marriage and how it ended and how my father died, on top of living under the roof of hypocrit,lying, theiving, asshole that i became depressed and the only thing that would make me smile was when i was dressed up. so i believe i became a sissy to try and fix a hole in my life. over the course of high school, i had a sense of self loathing because i felt so different and alien to everybody else. that there was no way anybody i was going to meet would have even close to the same experiences i had or same kinky hobby. it wasnt really until near my end of high school that i started to lighten up and began making friends again. being a sissy still made me sad because i felt so different and alone, but when i was in the mind set of my sissy self, it felt like one of the only good sensations left in my life at all. so here i am. out of high school with a love for diapers and all things pink, frilly, and disney (although ill never admitt it out loud) and a big big big world in front of me. i have only recently mustered up enough courage and will to share my story with anyone for the first time. ive never really told any one person that entire story, but when i saw this thread and saw what daddy fred posted, i felt i might give it the ol college try and admit to the digital world that i think i love being a diapered little girl and wish i wasnt ashamed of it.