Stuffie Snake

This is exactly how I feel right now even working from home I am constantly having to ditch my camera, mute myself, heat speaker, and dash. I am constantly worried about where the next gas station or shop is where I can drop in if I am out and about. I'm pretty sure I can map every public restroom within a 30 mile radius of my home by now and while impressive, it's not the most practicable skill to be holding onto in my memory. I feel like that is the cycle I have been in, I will realize I need better protection and get a heavier duty pullup but then shame myself back into pads. Not being able to make it from my bed to the toilet that is only ten feet away in my little house was a really rude wake up call. I didn't have issues like that even five years ago, when I was upset over a level of continence I would be overjoyed at having now. This is where I am at, trying to understand that I am not giving up if I actually just step into wearing actual protection and let myself relax and try to live the life I had before; a prospect that just isn't tenable when I am changing a pullup or pad, or trying desperately to keep on a schedule that just leaves me with actual cramping in my bladder that is distracting. Wearing let me make it through a two hour meeting and actually concentrate, even if I was aware and letting myself use the diaper I wasn't panicking trying to figure out when I could afford to enact my patented bathroom dash. I realize I will need to talk to my doctors and inform them if I do stick with this new method of attempting radical acceptance but I am not entirely looking forward to the conversation (my next appointment is in two months). Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts, I really appreciate it.

Little bit of history: I have a history of stress incontinence that leads back to some emergency surgeries I had in the mid-2010's that unintentionally caused some damage to my pelvic floor muscles and a lifetime of issues with urgency and the occasional inability to hold it and make it to a bathroom - especially in the morning or after a car ride. Basically if I have to hold it for more than hour I'm going to leak if not have a full blown accident. With that in mind I had worn a lot of crappy pullups and pads over the past few years, cut fluids (ending up with dehydration, YAY!), set myself waking schedules to try to beat my bladder, and made sure I was always near a bathroom. It's exhausting. I'm sure there are people that can relate. I have been convincing myself I am totally fine, even though I had become frustrated enough to pick up Northshore pullups in the past when the Depends or Always weren't working for more than an hour or one good accident trying to get to a bathroom after sitting for too long. Then I would shame myself over how lazy I am, stop wearing, and inevitably have an accident in the car or on my way to a bathroom requiring a quick trip home sitting on a towel or a rapid change of clothes. A week and a half ago after a night of actual good sleep I woke up to extreme discomfort from holding it in my sleep, got up from the urgency to pee, and as has happened in the past I lost control and started to pee all over the floor only a few feet from the toilet. It took several seconds for me to stop the flow and make it onto the toilet because the relief from the pain in my bladder was better than trying to rush the next few steps. I spent the day crying; insulting myself for not being able to hold it, for the laundry, for having to clean the floor, and for the fact that I was still running to the bathroom at least every hour. So I guess I gave up? After a day of self recrimination I got on the live chat with Northshore to talk about solutions and ultimately I put in an order for more pull-up and some Megamax Air Supreme. They came quickly (thanks FedEx!) and I put one on,. After probably 30 minutes of trying to figure out how to properly diaper myself I felt pretty ridiculous. What did not feel ridiculous was being in the middle of a meeting, realizing I didn't have to keep straining to hold it, and just letting myself pee (I work from home but was scared I have a pee face on cam???). While I am incredibly paranoid about wearing something thicker than a pull up in public (I am even nervous to wear out the pull-up from Northshore compared to the Always) I am trying to come to peace with the fact that I feel better in protection and would rather be "puffier" than have leaks down my legs from a flimsy pullup or a full on puddle on the leather seats from a bumpy road. It just seems cleaner and more sanitary for everyone. So for a week I've been wearing Air Supreme. I don't know how long this is going to go on for, I don't really have a plan, I'm just so incredibly tired of being ashamed of myself and the amount of cleaning supplies I have accumulated over the years to try and deal with my accidents. I'm honestly a little frustrated with my doctors as well, who have encouraged me to continue trying to hold it, cut fluids, and set schedules for when I "let" myself go to the bathroom to help increase my continence. I think I am done with trying to maintain any kind of continence bladder wise, and I just needed to get everything off my chest. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.