Hello ! I'm really uncertain as for how to phrase that, and I am completely new to the forum. I'm still really young and ever since my early teens (10-12yo ?) I've been attracted to diapers, and a lot of things followed that. But I've also always felt a lot of shame for it, like many. I would try to stop, to quit entirely, but no matter what, I would end up looking for it on Internet or pooping my underwear (cause I absolutely love that too). I've had my first allowance/pocket money at 15 and from there I would sometimes go to the store and buy pullups. Ive always had this very regulated, I would wear only at night, not every night, and I'd often wear one that i keep dry, and id wear it again another night and this time use it (pee, poop if it's manageable). I'm kind of still doing this today, I still live at my parent's.
Only I still cannot deal entirely with the shame, and am also worried about this for my future life. I'm trying as hard as I can to at least quit abdl porn, or masturbating to it, cause that's really the only thing maybe that makes me disgusted at myself. If I indulge in sexual behavior without porn or abdl I feel better about it,and on the side wearing diapers, watching other people them and all the baby attire (onesies, thick diapers, pacifiers...)) looks adorable to me.
I'm only worried about my future, I'm scared to end up alone, and I wouldn't want to miss the right person for me because the only things that won't work is I like diapers. I still feel as well a bit of shame, not so much for enjoying abdl but imagining my future self wearing diapers and such. I think what I mean is I'm scared ABDL will limit my future in great many ways and I dont want it to. thanks for reading !